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Old 10-25-2012, 01:50 AM
 
Location: Tha 6th Bourough
3,633 posts, read 5,123,234 times
Reputation: 1754

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I know lots of women pick mates based on how stable the future will be with that person because the female is the gender that gives birth, and has to worry about the children she may have in the future.

My whole issue is that as a man, my goals and plans are current. Different situations in life form different ideas and changes to my plans as time goes on. A woman could be missing out on a good man because she may judge the male prospect based off of his current lifestyle and goals. For example, maybe right now I'm a single guy who's goal is to one day own a really nice boat that I can live on and my mother can live on as she reaches that age where she can't work any longer. Now let's say a woman I find interesting comes along and we date a few times, but she ends up thinking that my goals are not going to fit into her long term plans if we have future children because she wants a nice house to raise the kids in.

Well I think this happens a lot with males and females looking to mate. I think we judge current goals and lifestyle before we ever get to know what a person is like. The woman in this story above represents a lot of women who assume a guy can't change his path later on. My point is maybe since I'm single my goals have nothing to do with a woman because currently there are no women in my path. I know if things got serious with a woman, my goals would change because I would think about things related to us as a unit instead of me on my own.

Do you think people are quick to judge the path your life is going down without knowing if you are compatable or what kind of person you really are on the inside? I ask this because last year I had a clunker of a car and always got stares from people passing by as if I was a bum or something. These people never saw how clean the inside of the car was, so they judged me over some hit n run accidents I endured. Now I have a nice car and I no longer get looked at the same way. People never cared about who I was, or what kind of man I was, but judged me based off of a car. I think this is the same thing when we assume things about people in the dating world because that person you shot down last year or the year before may not be the way you assumed they were before you even knew them as a person. Goals change depending on situations in life. I think it's wrong to judge whether someone is right for you based off of the current situation. You may just be missing out on a daimond underneath that rock!
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:53 PM
 
Location: DFW area
85 posts, read 175,506 times
Reputation: 114
I can't say that I've ever been the type of woman that would reject someone outright just because my potential partner has a different life plan than me. Also, I can't be terribly sure that I even want children, so the point about needing a nice home to raise them may not even be in the question.

I can agree that some men/women are like this, with some reason, but I don't necessarily think it's always the best way to filter through potential mates. If one meets the right person, they should have some flexibility - my husband and I initially thought our relationship could never work because we lived on different continents and it would just be too much work, but we found a way anyways because we felt like we were right for each other and we wanted it to work. I'm also perfectly open to the idea of eventually moving back to his country if that's what we decide to do sometime in our future together.

I think it depends on the person and what their own sense of entitlement might be. Some people (men or women) simply don't want to have to work towards making a relationship work if the other person isn't exactly what they're looking for.

Don't know if that helps to give a different perspective, but it's about all I've got!
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Old 10-26-2012, 01:57 AM
 
Location: Tha 6th Bourough
3,633 posts, read 5,123,234 times
Reputation: 1754
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCajun88 View Post
I can't say that I've ever been the type of woman that would reject someone outright just because my potential partner has a different life plan than me. Also, I can't be terribly sure that I even want children, so the point about needing a nice home to raise them may not even be in the question.

I can agree that some men/women are like this, with some reason, but I don't necessarily think it's always the best way to filter through potential mates. If one meets the right person, they should have some flexibility - my husband and I initially thought our relationship could never work because we lived on different continents and it would just be too much work, but we found a way anyways because we felt like we were right for each other and we wanted it to work. I'm also perfectly open to the idea of eventually moving back to his country if that's what we decide to do sometime in our future together.

I think it depends on the person and what their own sense of entitlement might be. Some people (men or women) simply don't want to have to work towards making a relationship work if the other person isn't exactly what they're looking for.

Don't know if that helps to give a different perspective, but it's about all I've got!
Thanks for your perspective. Nice story about you and your husband too, it goes to show that no matter what the current situation is, you looked at each other as who you were as individuals instead of trying to see if your plans matched with his down the road. You didn't give up based on what you guys lacked (closeness) at the time, but you guys stuck it out for someone (him/you) and not something (how far you were from him) and it worked out. I guess I've never had anyone care about me and what we could do together that much as you have, and this is why I posted my own perspective about how people judge and give up or pass by good things without sacrificing. I guess you are right about what people are willing to work for as they feel entitled, I think that sense of entitlement is actually a false hope in meeting someone who is perfect in thier eyes instead of realizing not everything can be the way they envision it in the end. I think lots of people pass up good opportunities that they can never get back again in search of that pot of gold, when the actual pot of gold was staring them in the face all along. Now I'm ranting, sorry, just felt I had to throw out those thoughts for some reason. Thanks for your story and your perspective!
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Old 10-26-2012, 04:08 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
9,173 posts, read 14,121,289 times
Reputation: 11924
Quote:
Originally Posted by RazorRob305 View Post
I know lots of women pick mates based on how stable the future will be with that person because the female is the gender that gives birth, and has to worry about the children she may have in the future.

My whole issue is that as a man, my goals and plans are current. Different situations in life form different ideas and changes to my plans as time goes on. A woman could be missing out on a good man because she may judge the male prospect based off of his current lifestyle and goals. For example, maybe right now I'm a single guy who's goal is to one day own a really nice boat that I can live on and my mother can live on as she reaches that age where she can't work any longer. Now let's say a woman I find interesting comes along and we date a few times, but she ends up thinking that my goals are not going to fit into her long term plans if we have future children because she wants a nice house to raise the kids in.

Well I think this happens a lot with males and females looking to mate. I think we judge current goals and lifestyle before we ever get to know what a person is like.
And what is wrong with that? If your goals and lifestyle don't match, you'll never be compatible. Why go through all the time and heartache of getting to know someone, developing feelings for them, eating up potentially years of your life only for it to inevitably end in when you finally admit to yourselves that you're not compatible long term because you want different things out of life?

Quote:
The woman in this story above represents a lot of women who assume a guy can't change his path later on.
I don't think it's that she assumes a guy can't change his path... just that she rightfully doesn't expect him to. It's very, very wrong to go into a relationship thinking you can change someone! You have to take people at their word. If you tell someone you plan to live on a boat, they will expect that you plan to live on a boat! Imagine that logic. The woman in your story was right to do what she did. But if your open to change, you should make that clear. Instead of telling her you plan to one day live on a boat, tell her you would like to live on a boat but that if the right woman came along and wasn't interested in that, it's not like you're not open to living in a house. It is perhaps your own approach to this which is causing the problem.
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Old 10-26-2012, 05:55 AM
 
Location: Tha 6th Bourough
3,633 posts, read 5,123,234 times
Reputation: 1754
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
And what is wrong with that? If your goals and lifestyle don't match, you'll never be compatible. Why go through all the time and heartache of getting to know someone, developing feelings for them, eating up potentially years of your life only for it to inevitably end in when you finally admit to yourselves that you're not compatible long term because you want different things out of life?

I think you missed my point. My point is that in life I used to have dreams and goals as a kid, and then as a young adult they changed, then they changed as I became an adult, then as an adult they changed because situations changed. I'm not living for a woman at the moment, so my goal right now isn't to plan a future with a woman and my future kids yet. I have certain goals that only make sense according to the situation I'm in now. My mindset could change if I got serious with the right woman. I'm talking more about first impressions or having a couple dates and someone judges where you are going in life based on that. How can they really know? I could be delivering pizzas in the next year and a woman may think my job isn't going to get her to her destination with a man, so she may dismiss me based off of that. Which has happened, but how does she know my passion and where I will be in 5 years. I'm just saying, instead of looking at whether we can be good together based on my personality and character she judges off of what my current situation is and the goals I have for myself and decides this is a reason to move on and keep looking after 2 or 3 little dates.



I don't think it's that she assumes a guy can't change his path... just that she rightfully doesn't expect him to. It's very, very wrong to go into a relationship thinking you can change someone! You have to take people at their word. If you tell someone you plan to live on a boat, they will expect that you plan to live on a boat! Imagine that logic. The woman in your story was right to do what she did. But if your open to change, you should make that clear. Instead of telling her you plan to one day live on a boat, tell her you would like to live on a boat but that if the right woman came along and wasn't interested in that, it's not like you're not open to living in a house. It is perhaps your own approach to this which is causing the problem.
I don't think anyone should change just because of someone else, but I also think people do change when situations change and that's what people should realize before thinking this is how the guy is right now and I don't think it matches up with what I want to do in life because he delivers pizzas or works fast food. I've been shot down by telling someone what my current situation was before I could explain how I got to that point, and before they know what the future might bring. They didn't stick around to see me getting my college degree or getting a better car, they judged me off of the beat-up car and fast food job I had at the time instead of judging me for me.

I already thought people would realize what you just said without me wasting paragraphs on each detail. I guess as I was writing this thread that I assumed people wouldn't think I wouldn't let someone know my current goals and that I would be opened to change if the right woman came along. I didn't get into that for the sake of keeping this subject short. I know some stubborn people who would never change anything for someone else no matter how much the other person would compromise or how much they loved them, but that isn't who I am so I guess I didn't make that clear enough. At the same time I am talking more about the beginning stages where you first meet someone and have a couple of dates and how people automatically assume who you are and what you want to do with your life based only on what current job you have or goals you have. Having a couple dates isn't the time to tell a woman you are open to changing for her anyways, that comes when she becomes your girlfriend.
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Old 10-26-2012, 06:25 AM
 
Location: Hartford CT
1,873 posts, read 2,119,322 times
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I see what you are saying, but I can see the other side as well. If you are older and dating, women may see you as this is the way this guy is, and he is too old to change, or why hasn't he established himself the way he wants to be at this age and that may be a concern to her. People should take things slowly and get to know the person, instead of worrying about the what if's, but unfortunately that's human nature
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Old 10-27-2012, 04:47 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
9,173 posts, read 14,121,289 times
Reputation: 11924
Quote:
Originally Posted by RazorRob305 View Post
I think you missed my point. My point is that in life I used to have dreams and goals as a kid, and then as a young adult they changed, then they changed as I became an adult, then as an adult they changed because situations changed. I'm not living for a woman at the moment, so my goal right now isn't to plan a future with a woman and my future kids yet. I have certain goals that only make sense according to the situation I'm in now. My mindset could change if I got serious with the right woman. I'm talking more about first impressions or having a couple dates and someone judges where you are going in life based on that. How can they really know? I could be delivering pizzas in the next year and a woman may think my job isn't going to get her to her destination with a man, so she may dismiss me based off of that. Which has happened, but how does she know my passion and where I will be in 5 years. I'm just saying, instead of looking at whether we can be good together based on my personality and character she judges off of what my current situation is and the goals I have for myself and decides this is a reason to move on and keep looking after 2 or 3 little dates.
I think you're missing MY point. Sure, plans and goals can change overtime. But how do you know they will? How can a potential partner know they will? How does she know it will change to be compatible with what she wants? You say yourself "my mindset COULD change". Could. Not will. What if it doesn't? It's safer to get involved with someone who has the right mindset NOW instead of banking on the hope that he COULD change later.

Quote:
I don't think anyone should change just because of someone else, but I also think people do change when situations change and that's what people should realize before thinking this is how the guy is right now and I don't think it matches up with what I want to do in life because he delivers pizzas or works fast food. I've been shot down by telling someone what my current situation was before I could explain how I got to that point, and before they know what the future might bring. They didn't stick around to see me getting my college degree or getting a better car, they judged me off of the beat-up car and fast food job I had at the time instead of judging me for me.
And perhaps that judgement was a little too quick. But if a woman doesn't want to stick around to find out whether you really do have ambition and whether you can actually make something of that ambition rather than just talk about it, that's her right. You know how many women have gotten involved with losers who say they're gonna do this or that and never do? And by the time she realizes he's a deadbeat, she's already emotionally attached to him and it's hard to break it off? Can you really blame a woman for not wanting to risk winding up in that situation?
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:41 AM
 
2,561 posts, read 2,277,532 times
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I don't think it's wrong to judge whether someone is right for you based off of the current situation. The current situation is what is present at hand and there's possibly no guarantee that there will be a relationship that lasts long enough for it to possibly change.

No different than likely most men don't think it's wrong to approach a gal based on his attraction. Guys may just be missing out on a diamond underneath that rock however I doubt most guys are suddenly going to approach gals they aren't attracted to for anything other than practice.
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Old 10-28-2012, 07:11 AM
 
233 posts, read 396,822 times
Reputation: 317
There are women out there who have tried to make it work with a man who has different goals, and have found that they have to sacrifice their own dreams to keep the relationship going. I'm sure this is true for men as well.

I wouldn't want a man who's goals were very different than mine, but I wouldn't judge him for thinking differently. My path is very open and unsure, but I welcome the spontaneity because I find it exciting. I don't know if i want kids, I don't know where I want to live, I don't know if I want to get married again, I don't know if I'll ever own another house...heck, I don't know if I'll be even living in the US in five years. Entering or continuing a relationship with someone who has said they want to settle down in one area indefinitely or that had rigid plans would be madness. Sooner or later, someone would get hurt.

I see your point, but I've been there before so I'm a bit skeptical. Think of it like this: you can't put a priest and a hooker together and expect them to work it out because their plans might change for the future. Some people are just too different and walk away before deep feelings can develop.
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