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We all go through changes. This is especially true in the dating scene. I went through quite a few changes in the past 5 years. As a matter of fact, I sort of came full circle in some ways.
5 years ago, I was talkative, but I was too eager to impress. Then between the five years, I became a shut in, due to some cases when I was insensitive to the point of pissing people off. There was a point when I didn't talk to anyone who wasn't in my social circle. (3 years ago untill 2 months ago.) So this left out any possibility for dating. I just didn't want to be bothered. Also, when I first meet someone, I was often standoffish. You could just feel that look of "You got some nerve!!!" even if you didn't see it.
Now, I'm more social. (after facing a few tragedies) However, I am not the "OOOOHHH!!!! Look at Me!!!" type anymore. When I deal with people, I just simply talk to them. I have actually been on a roll talking to women. However, I'm still busy with my projects, so I'm still getting approached more often than I approach. Lately, most women I have met have been glad that they met me. I walk away with the sense that I have made their day. I even had a "date."
Now that I have actually gone out there, I've met a few women that wouldn't mind going out with me. I still have a few insecurities that I am working on because they can get in the way. So far it has been an overall good year for me.
How have you progressed in your dating life from any given point in the past? (doesn't have to be five years)
Not really.
My handicap (unknown to me STILL) is there. I struggle dating, and I can't figure out why.
I have a theory as to what it is, but society (including this forum) says my theory should not be my problem.
Many years ago I dated much different men. I dated never married, never married with kids, divorced with and without kids, widowed and whatever else. Also dated people of various religious views, and political views. Basically the best way to sum it up was to say I was an equal opportunity date. I learned that some types of men are definitely no way for me (like men with kids)and others were fine at the time but no way today. Meanwhile some guys that used to be no way are what I seek today.
Also, I judge more on morals today than looks. Back in my 20's if a guy was hot then that's all that mattered. I wasn't looking to get married, just have fun so hot men were essential. Some I slept with, others I didn't but many others I made out with. I did date guys I was repulsed by but generally speaking they were because I was desperate and they paid attention (and generally speaking bought me things).
Not really.
My handicap (unknown to me STILL) is there. I struggle dating, and I can't figure out why.
I have a theory as to what it is, but society (including this forum) says my theory should not be my problem.
Yeah I am in the same boat...sometimes I feel as if I have regressed. And I can't figure it out either
Back in the day, I was way too extroverted...I'd talk anyone's ear off. About anything...I'd talk to the grandma on the bus and the 2 year old with his mom.
Then, something personal happened (won't get into it) and I went through months of not talking to anyone except family. I dropped friends purposefully, but it was necessary (again I won't get into it...)
Then I had a period where I was opening up a bit...but less "out there" as I once was.
And now I'm back to not talking to anyone even if we were once friends. This time though it's because I felt like I knew a lot of people, but none of them were actually looking out for me. Like I took the time to get to know people but they'd know nothing about me, or even care. They weren't friends, just people I knew.
I think more than anything I'm just more comfortable with who I am. Before I'd constantly worry about other people's opinions of me and now I'm just like, "you know what? you're just some person, you don't even have to exist in my life, so if you're going to be offensive, I'll just cut you out...if not, that's cool too..."
In my late teens and early 20s, I had very low self-esteem and severe undiagnosed ADD. I bungled through life and actually feared any social interaction beyond my circle of friends. Every interaction with strangers or even acquaintances was grueling and painful. Dating was almost impossible.
Then I had some terrible stuff happen in my life and ended up living with a man who was naturally gregarious and personable. He saw the worth in me at a very fundamental level and it gave me confidence. I became more social and began to actually reach out to people. Then I went through some things that proved my competence and strength to myself and things went a little more smoothly. But dating was still a mess.
There was another set of trials that led me to realize I really didn't need to give a crap about what anyone else thought. I got my ADD diagnosis, which clarified a bunch of things - such as why so many basic things were so difficult for me, even though i had some really obscure mad skills. Dating started to pick up a little and I finally really got my legs under me.
Then I moved away and cut ties with my old life. I'm happy. Dating is more of a recreational sport these days. And I have no problem with that. I'm just having fun, meeting people and seeing if they'll be a good addition to my life, really.
It's been more of a valley for me than a steady climb or descent. The dating was there in high school but only about two of the dates were serious affairs. I didn't really develop much dating skill there but because I was with a good circle of friends it wasn't so bad. Thankfully I lost my V card then as well, because if I hadn't my neuroses would probably be even more severe than they are now. Then after school I went off to a college I thought would make my parents happy and my depression kicked in really hard, derailing my first "out of nest" experience and putting the brakes on adulthood for a few years.
For a long time I didn't date or even really interact with women at all, besides a few friends here and there and older family friends. My self confidence issues became worse and worse until I wouldn't even look at women I found attractive because it would make me feel sad. Then my therapist suggested that I move to a new location and try to start over to shake depressive inertia, so I came to San Francisco to write and live away from the family. I would say in the past few months I've tried to do a lot of self-improvement and I've definitely had some success. But it's sort of like going on a run after many years of not running and getting out of breath within the first mile.
Last week I had a date off Okcupid on Friday (thought it was really rushed) and a date from someone I met at a bar on Tuesday, so things are definitely looking better.
Pretty much all of my life as far back as I can remember, the one thing that I longed for more than anything else in life was finding a long-term, permanent romantic love..."the one", Ms. Right, and my soul mate. I even had dreams of marrying as soon as possible and preferably way before I turned 24...ah, but for the sweet dreams of youth...
Unfortunately alas, the stars were apparently not aligned for me, in that regard. Until just a few years ago, I was very, very shy around women...extremely, painfully, tragically shy. Love-shy. Rejection hurt terribly and felt quite brutal, especially having a 100% full-rejection rate from all women universally, at least until I had already turned 31. I felt completely unlovable, like no one would ever care about or love me, like I was a complete and total failure, and that I would never find love...and it hurt way, way deep down inside, very much. I tried as hard as I could of course to change that destiny, shelling out literally thousands of dollars in seeking professional help, paying for expensive brick-and-mortar dating services, and hiring dating pro coaches; going to churches and getting out more to try to meet people; reading a ton of self-help references; working a lot of online dating sites and sending out thousands of online messages; and spending (again thousands of dollars total) on dates that went nowhere after the first date, second date at the most (there never was a third date). And everything I tried failed, no matter how much heart or effort I put into it.
When at 31 I finally someone who thought was really nice and who might care about me too, the first g/f I had for about 4-5 months turned out to be extremely cruel and viciously abusive, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically. That didn't work out for obvious reasons, and thankfully she ended things rather abruptly, at the end of that particular chapter of my life. And then, some time later on down the road after that, most blessedly my fortunes changed, radically and for the better...after over 30 years of searching for her, I finally found "the one", my dearest angel, and true love <3 I am truly the very luckiest and most fortunate guy in the whole world, to have the blessing of her love, heart, and affection, in mine. I pledge my love and all of my heart, forevermore only to her, and to whom, God willing, I will be officially engaged to in the very near future, and in the coming months (I already know in advance that her answer is going to be a definite and guaranteed "Yes", and she has also already picked out her engagement ring ).
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 04-04-2013 at 03:18 PM..
Reason: Edits / Adds
Wow, all are good responses so far. All areas of life can be tough, including dating. For those of you who haven't gotten where y'all want to be, I guess all I can say is you have my sympathies. I was lucky that I can figure out some of my handicaps. I can more easily get my foot in the door.
I'm not going to give out any canned phrases like "You'll get there if you keep trying." The fact is that not everyone gets what they want out of life, no matter how hard they try. Not everyone is meant to be good at dating. Sadly, it seems to mean more to people who are not meant for it.
I will say this, there are still possibilities. I suppose you can find someone you can trust to help you in this area. Or like I always say, a different area might make all the difference.
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