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I think in looks and personality, I'm an acquired taste. Guys take a while to warm up to me, but that happens, they're in it for the long haul.
I have some lovely features, but I'm not traditionally pretty. And the ADD means that I can come off as somewhat erratic - my brain jumps and skips to unexpected places. That throws some guys off, unless they can figure out that I'm actually pretty smart. I should probably put a disclaimer in my online profile :P
How often do you actually try to talk to women? We have one guy posting here who thinks he should be able to attract women without actually taking to them. It doesn't work that way.
These days, not too often. I'm pretty busy these days. But in my 20s and early 30s, ohmygosh ... all the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tazzled
Wouldn't your friends tell you?
Hmmm. Not really. Nobody has really ever said anything bad about me, except here on CD forums.
Negative and poor self esteem, but only a couple of times that I can remember. Never jerk or anything like that. OK. Well, I guess I have my answer.
If you can easily make friends (and keep them for a long time) but cannot get a date to save your life, it's probably your looks and not your personality.
If you constantly get hit on or have plenty of options for dates but it never goes past the first few, it's probably your personality.
This thread is mostly for people who have trouble attracting whomever/whatever they want to attract, but others can chime in as well...
So, anytime somebody says online that they are 'ugly' and that is the reason for their failure in attracting people, others always say, "It's not that, it's _____." And ______ could be anything from lack of self esteem, to negativity, etc. But it begs the question. What came first? The negativity, or the rejections?
When people try and give me criticism here, I do try and take it. Because the strange truth is ... I do want women/people to like me. But the thing is ... I almost never get criticized in real life for the quality of my person. Nobody has ever defriended me. Etc. People generally like me, if they don't exactly climb the walls to hang out with me. Some people have said I am negative, but it's not something I hear all the time. I get called happy and go-lucky just as often. Which some here might find hard to believe. I've also seen others with glaring personality issues that have no trouble attracting others.
The truth is, I've been trying to improve myself for 15 years and I haven't seen a marked improvement with women. A little maybe, but I think that is more due to me playing more numbers.
So, the question is, "How do you know if it's your personality or looks?"
I do want to add that I do want to try and be more positive just so I can lead a happier life, but I don't think that will improve my chances with women any.
You have mentioned that you're short, which doesn't help so you have a physical trait that hurts you.
You seem to be a friendly and honest guy, but you come across as desperate and overly concerned (if not obsessed) with dating and meeting women. This is a personality trait that hurts you.
Since you can't increase your height, the best you can do is work on other aspects of your appearance and your confidence level. You've made claims regarding how much easier it is for women than men in the dating world. While there maybe some truth to this, you don't want to concede defeat from the get-go and act as if women hold all the cards. My best advice is to improve the aspects of your appearance that can be improved (physique, style, etc.) while taking a step back and being less serious/concerned/frustrated about your dating life. You're giving your less-than-ideal dating life too much control over your overall life. My dating life is not that great, either; sure, it frustrates me, but I don't let it ruin my life overall. My sense is that you do. GL!
If you never get past the 1st, 2nd or third dates, it's personality.
If you never get a first date, it's looks.
100% this.
I can't even get a damn date to save my life, and that tells me that I am extremely ugly. Personality doesn't count for sh*t when people judge on what you look like.
You have mentioned that you're short, which doesn't help so you have a physical trait that hurts you.
You seem to be a friendly and honest guy, but you come across as desperate and overly concerned (if not obsessed) with dating and meeting women. This is a personality trait that hurts you.
Since you can't increase your height, the best you can do is work on other aspects of your appearance and your confidence level. You've made claims regarding how much easier it is for women than men in the dating world. While there maybe some truth to this, you don't want to concede defeat from the get-go and act as if women hold all the cards. My best advice is to improve the aspects of your appearance that can be improved (physique, style, etc.) while taking a step back and being less serious/concerned/frustrated about your dating life. You're giving your less-than-ideal dating life too much control over your overall life. My dating life is not that great, either; sure, it frustrates me, but I don't let it ruin my life overall. My sense is that you do. GL!
Thanks bud.
To be honest, I don't even want a relationship now. I'm not trying at the moment. I'm just SO CONSUMED by my past rejections, one in particular. Some days it's better than others and today was bad.
I think it's time to see a shrink. I really do. I may make plans for around Xmas time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by needanamethatisnttaken
I'll answer the question with a question. What difference does it make? Improve both as much as you can.
I think in looks and personality, I'm an acquired taste. Guys take a while to warm up to me, but that happens, they're in it for the long haul.
I have some lovely features, but I'm not traditionally pretty. And the ADD means that I can come off as somewhat erratic - my brain jumps and skips to unexpected places. That throws some guys off, unless they can figure out that I'm actually pretty smart. I should probably put a disclaimer in my online profile :P
lol...I am like this as well...along with very animated and using hand gestures...
DIRECTED towards the OP…
I do not think it is that complicated..
The things is from what I have experienced and learned is YOU are not ALWAYS going to be everyone’s “Cup of tea.”
There will always be people that do NOT find you attractive and this is okay, this is not the end of the world.
This is their “preference” and they are entitled to it much as you are when you think about approaching a woman, can you say that you do not “hurt” someone’s feeling when you do not approach “them” but choose another person?
This is your preference and you are entitled to it.
I feel some people expend so much time going after the resistant ones instead of focusing on the people that are attracted to them.
I feel that this behavior comes from the need to accepted and validated.
My personal point of view? Is that I would not want to be with anyone that was not attracted to me or trying to spend time worrying as to why they are not and instead focus on the people that are nice and are attracted to me.
As far as “Personality” playing a part in this whole ordeal? I am afraid it does.
I was once on dating web sites and I will be very honest. If an attractive man emailed me and I checked out his profile and it said key words like ‘Looking for fun, nothing serious” “ Work hard and play harder” “like to go to bars and party” This was an immediate turn off.
If their emails were blasé and stated “Hi.” I will not respond.
If a so-so man sent me an email and I read his profile and I liked most of what he stated and found that we had some things in common, I would have a better feeling as far as emailing them back.
If while we are emailing back and forth he started stating things “I did not think a girl like you would talk to me.” “I have been single for so long because I feel that I am not attractive” “Most girls meet me one time then never want to go out again” “I cannot seem to get past the emailing to actually meet someone” These are all red flags for me, I get a sense of insecurities and the constant need for validation and I am not that “girl.”
It is okay to think these things but one really needs to work on themselves and snap out of this train of thinking since others whom do not KNOW you very well will read you as negative, a Debbie downer, insecure and so forth.
Focusing on your strengths ( Everyone has them) however often times we tend to focus on the negative aspects or shortcomings instead of building up our strengths to compensate.
Do not be so hard on yourself..chin up.
I can't even get a damn date to save my life, and that tells me that I am extremely ugly. Personality doesn't count for sh*t when people judge on what you look like.
See this is what makes all this hard to understand for folks. Fact is, you're not ugly at all. You're actually pretty cute, but you don't have the kind of looks that will appeal to a wide range of women b/c you look nerdy. (I mean this as a neutral statement, not an insulting one.) Fact is Prince, you're not in style. So, either update your look and lose a few pounds or else just look for the type of women who are attracted to nerds, which is what I recommend b/c you should always be yourself as much as possible when looking for a partner so you can find someone who is a good fit. Where do you find these princesses? Libraries and book stores are a good start, and gaming clubs and SCA and folk dances and any other activity that attracts intelligent people.
OP, I don't know what you look like so I replied to Prince's post so maybe you can get a general idea of what I mean. The fact is that people who have unique personalities or looks--not unattractive mind you, just unique--are going to have more problems finding a date. If you decide to make a change in yourself, fine, but make sure it's a change that you can live with and that reflects your personality b/c you don't want to pull the bait and switch on some unsuspecting partner. And, as dub dub said, you only need one. I have no doubt that you will be a great man for a very nice lady someday. Good luck Jobaba.
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