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I think my wife may be cheating. There is a guy at her work that she texts every night, and calls him when I'm not around. I've never seen texts between them because she keeps them deleted. She has also been going out with her sister and friends a lot more lately, and at least once that i am aware of, he was there. I do not want to accuse her, but how can i ask without her taking like that? We have been together for 8 years and have a 7 month old son, so it is a sticky situation. Until the last few months i would have never even considered this, but she seems to be acting strangely and it has me worried. What should i do? Any advice?
How do you know she's actually texting and calling this guy if there aren't any texts and you've never caught her on the phone with him? And are we positive that this contact isn't of the "can you email me a copy of the XYZ spreadsheet?" variety?
You know, I think this is a situation where timing is everything.
To be sure, if what the OP says is true, I'd lay money on the fact that she's stepping out. At the same time, confronting her in this way will do absolutely nothing. All she'll do is deny anything, which means she'll just be better at covering her tracks in the future.
And, if on the slight chance she's not cheating, she'll think you're paranoid which just creates more distrust.
Nope. Hard and fast evidence. Number of texts. Physical proof of her stepping out on you. Heck, there are devices you can attach to her car to see where she's going and everything downloads to your computer. But I would be very, very sure of yourself before you go to that extreme.
I dunno - I feel like gathering solid evidence before a confrontation seems too much like sneaking around in some ways. I could always tell when my one ex was lying to me, so I assume a married couple would know each other that much better. I feel like he'll know where things stand whether she's being honest or not. And yeah, she can try to cover her tracks better, but you really CAN'T hide your tracks completely. Phone records can't be manipulated. Lies get mixed up unless you're absolutely consistent - which few people are. Credit card expenses and cash withdrawals are always visible. Most people aren't this consistent
I dunno - I feel like gathering solid evidence before a confrontation seems too much like sneaking around in some ways.
And by waiting it will just add fuel to any suspicions. They are married and should discuss the situation immediately but cautiously without accusations.
I dunno - I feel like gathering solid evidence before a confrontation seems too much like sneaking around in some ways. I could always tell when my one ex was lying to me, so I assume a married couple would know each other that much better. I feel like he'll know where things stand whether she's being honest or not. And yeah, she can try to cover her tracks better, but you really CAN'T hide your tracks completely. Phone records can't be manipulated. Lies get mixed up unless you're absolutely consistent - which few people are. Credit card expenses and cash withdrawals are always visible. Most people aren't this consistent
Well, there's a saying: Trust but verify.
There's really not a good option in this situation. But the lesser of two evils is to make sure you are 100% sure before you confront your spouse. At least you are sure of yourself in the inevitable blowup.
Meanwhile, if you don't have any proof, here's what will happen.
1) He asks what's going on based on a vague suspicion.
2) She denies anything going on and then tries to turn the tables and accuses him of paranoia.
3) Having absolutely nothing to back up his claim, he retreats while the woman fakes indignation.
4) Woman cools it for a few weeks while she regroups. She then is more careful about her conversations with her lover, but doesn't break things off.
5) Man still has suspicions but can't prove a damned thing.
How do you know she's actually texting and calling this guy if there aren't any texts and you've never caught her on the phone with him? And are we positive that this contact isn't of the "can you email me a copy of the XYZ spreadsheet?" variety?
Phone bills. I have also seen her looking at texts from him. I know it isn't a work thing, as they are from very different departments. Example... Yesterday she was going to meet her sister at the mall to get a dress for an upcoming Christmas party. She left about 11, and there was a call to him at 11:15. Phone records do not lie as someone else stated. She deletes all texts every night, not just his, though, so she isn't hiding those i suppose. She does that because saved texts, calls etc eat up our phone memory. Maybe i am paranoid, this is why i don't want to bring it up, not because i can't communicate with her. If nothing is going on i feel i would lose her trust.
I'd trust my gut. If something feels off to you, then something probably IS off. I think you can question her relationship with this guy without saying you're cheating! Say you've been talking and texting so and so a lot and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with your friendship. I don't think it is appropriate for coworkers to be texting and chatting outside of work when they are married. It's just a slippery slope and even if nothing is going on it could lead to gossip in the office, jealousy from the spouse, etc.
If the trust is gone, save time and money of the private investigator. Serve her up and move on. It doesn't matter who files. If it is no fault, or she won't contestit, that is the way to go about it. If she is going to put up a fight, then yes, bring in your findings and hire a PI.
You know, I think this is a situation where timing is everything.
To be sure, if what the OP says is true, I'd lay money on the fact that she's stepping out. At the same time, confronting her in this way will do absolutely nothing. All she'll do is deny anything, which means she'll just be better at covering her tracks in the future.
And, if on the slight chance she's not cheating, she'll think you're paranoid which just creates more distrust.
Nope. Hard and fast evidence. Number of texts. Physical proof of her stepping out on you. Heck, there are devices you can attach to her car to see where she's going and everything downloads to your computer. But I would be very, very sure of yourself before you go to that extreme.
This is the exact advice you will see on every marriage builder and infidelity forum, advocated by people who have been through it and have counseled others for years.
The behavior of cheaters is depressingly similar. You see the same reactions time after time when you see these couples' stories unfolding on the boards.
If you confront without hard evidence, you will face months and months of gaslighting, and will drive the affair underground. You will go crazy with doubt and suspicion.
The recommendation is always to quietly gather irrefutable evidence (keylogger, voice activated recorder in her car, etc.), then drop the bomb at the right moment. Only when the truth is on the table can a marriage start to be repaired (if that is what you want) or other definitive decisions made.
OP, I advise you to go to one of these sites specializing in infidelity (DM me if you need links) and you will get great advice there. There are step by step instructions of how to break up an affair and recover from the trauma. If she is cheating, you will need the support you will find there...NOT HERE!
Best wishes to you.
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