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Old 12-11-2012, 08:12 AM
 
1,331 posts, read 2,325,491 times
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All my friends will break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and barely a few weeks later, they are in a new relationship. It's as if they just have people lined up to date them. Meanwhile, I haven't had a girlfriend in a few years. I am the type that wants to date a girl that I actually feel strongly about. I don't want to date just to date. I had planned on asking this girl out that I went to high school with when she came back to town for the winter break from her college up north. I was going to take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant, but I logged onto Facebook this morning to find that she has a boyfriend from her college. People tell me that "there are plenty of fish in the sea." This cliche phrase sounds great but is it a reality? I'm starting to think that I will be alone forever.
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,755 posts, read 11,940,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bradleyyo View Post
All my friends will break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and barely a few weeks later, they are in a new relationship. It's as if they just have people lined up to date them. Meanwhile, I haven't had a girlfriend in a few years. I am the type that wants to date a girl that I actually feel strongly about. I don't want to date just to date. I had planned on asking this girl out that I went to high school with when she came back to town for the winter break from her college up north. I was going to take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant, but I logged onto Facebook this morning to find that she has a boyfriend from her college. People tell me that "there are plenty of fish in the sea." This cliche phrase sounds great but is it a reality? I'm starting to think that I will be alone forever.
I think you just answered your own question! (see bolded part above). I think that's the difference between you and your friends, they are willing to take anyone they can get and see where it goes, whereas you're more serious about it. But there is such a thing as being too picky as well. You may be missing out on a great relationship by not going on a few dates and seeing where they lead.

And personally, I don't believe you need to feel strongly about someone before you date them, because as you experienced, by the time you got around to a girl you were interested in, she was already taken. Those feelings should develop after you go on a date and get to know them, IMO.
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:28 AM
 
22,768 posts, read 30,599,621 times
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genetics, age, gender, personality
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Pa
42,763 posts, read 52,669,046 times
Reputation: 25360
When you don't care about a person it is easy to move on.
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:37 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,936,484 times
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Okay. Your post isn't all that hard to dissect. If I've heard one guy say essentially what you have, I've heard a hundred. You're not unique. Your complaints are practically out of a script. So here's the skinny.

1) People who find relationships easily do so because they have cultivated good people skills. One of the great fallacies out there is the belief that either one is a born conversationalist or one is not. Conversation is an art, one that has to be developed in you. Yes, some people begin life better at it than others, but it's a skill that has to be developed in all of us.

2) Work on making yourself a more attractive person, physically and from a personality standpoint. The poet Ovid once wrote, "To be loved, you must first be lovable."

3) You basically pined away for this girl who lived away, anticipating how this one dinner date was going to clinch the deal. But now you've found out that she's committed. What? Are there no other women in Southern California? Look, man, it's a numbers game. You live in a part of the country that's practically awash in attractive, intelligent, funny, and lively women and you are standing around waiting for some girl to come home from college? In that sense, romantic interests have to be tried on for size. I mean, how do you know that there isn't some boffo woman out there they you keep overlooking, all because you have your sights set on some girl who is already involved hundreds of miles away.

And even if you scored the dinner date, what then? Were you going to embark on a whirlwind courtship? Were you going to demand that she squeeze you in between opening presents, family get togethers, and reunions with other friends? You really ask a lot of someone during a two-week visit home. Trust me. A full-court press is a really bad way to spark a romance.

4) Nobody likes a whiner. Just reading phrases in your post such as "I'm starting to think that I will be alone forever" make me think that you wallow in self-pity. The fact that your friends are telling you that there are plenty of fish in the sea tells me that you've complained about this a lot.

5) Want to know what women like? Women like a man who embraces life. Women like a man who doesn't look upon women as the end-all, be-all key to his personal happiness. Women like a man who looks them in the eye and converses with her as if she's a real flesh-and-blood person, not some neo-platonic ideal of a fertility goddess up on a pedestal. Women like a man who likes them but isn't so impressed that he'll put up with their bullish*t. Women like a man who isn't just seeing them as a potential bedmate, a life support system for boobs and a vagina, but still sees them as a person with thoughts, beliefs, and a personality all her own.

6) I mean, dude, the biggest clue can be found in the title of this thread. The very word 'mate' implies that you're not even remotely interested in getting to know a woman or just having a fun relationship. Instead, you're wanting to close the deal in the speediest fashion possible. It reeks of desperation, the kind that women can smell a mile away. A woman is not a beautiful bird that you're trying to capture and put in a cage. She's a living, breathing person who, at your age, is wanting to enjoy her youth and life's possibilities. The last thing she wants is to be shackled to a self-pitying schlub.
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:21 AM
 
1,331 posts, read 2,325,491 times
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I guess what I am trying to ask is how do I find the right one? I don't live on my own yet. Though I hope to be soon. I am somewhat of an introverted guy so I don't have a ton of friends to hook me up with some of their single friends.
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:25 AM
 
22,768 posts, read 30,599,621 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bradleyyo View Post
I guess what I am trying to ask is how do I find the right one?
there is no right one, there are just more suitable people and less suitable people.

Quote:
I don't live on my own yet. Though I hope to be soon. I am somewhat of an introverted guy so I don't have a ton of friends to hook me up with some of their single friends.
Friends are important, don't get me wrong; however even if you had a ton of friends , it's not common to get "hooked up" by them. this is a very passive mentality to have. the reality of being an average young man is that you have to go out there and make options for yourself.

reading between the lines of your first post, you seem to have an overly idealistic concept of what women are and what they want. i call this the 'disney channel mentality', where boys today are brought up being taught that women are all these uniformly sweet, frail creatures that just want to settle down monogamously with a nice non-threatening guy for an equal partnership. the reality is a little bit darker, and it would serve you well to go ahead and accept this now.
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:31 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,936,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bradleyyo View Post
I guess what I am trying to ask is how do I find the right one? I don't live on my own yet. Though I hope to be soon. I am somewhat of an introverted guy so I don't have a ton of friends to hook me up with some of their single friends.
I just told you in my previous post.

Here's the deal. It's okay to be an introvert. It's not okay to use introversion as a crutch or an excuse.

The essential ingredient for all happiness in life is courage. That mean you have to rely on yourself, not beg your friends for help. Looking for your friends to find women for you is the ultimate in lame. What are you passionate about doing in your spare time? Go take a class or join a group. If you're single, you have all the free time in world for that stuff.

And when you go do that stuff, chances are there will be like-minded people. Some of those like-minded people will be women. Some of those women will be single. Some of those single women will like talking to you. Some of those single women who talk to you will be open to having coffee. Some of those women who enjoy your conversation over coffee might want to go with you to the movies. Some of those women who enjoy going to the movies with you might want to have dinner with you. Some of those women who enjoy having dinner with you might want to ride your baloney pony. See how that works?

It's a numbers thing. And if you don't get out there and at least try on your own, you'll never find anyone.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:08 AM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,940,115 times
Reputation: 3014
Quote:
Originally Posted by bradleyyo View Post
I guess what I am trying to ask is how do I find the right one? I don't live on my own yet. Though I hope to be soon. I am somewhat of an introverted guy so I don't have a ton of friends to hook me up with some of their single friends.
IME VERY few guys will hook you up with 'their single friends'. Think about it, if I hook you up with one of my friends, and you two hit it off, that means one less person is available for ME to date.
I don't really agree with this logic, but for the most part, guys will almost NEVER hook you up with a single woman.
I recommend you modify your view a little bit. Why does the woman have to be super special for you to date her ? Just try to meet people, have fun, and learn to loosen up. Sounds like you may have trouble with the loosening up around women. Women are just like you. They want to have fun, live life, make money, have sex, and love, just like us guys.
I would guess you don't have a sister or cousin that you are close with, to hang out with a little to realize, that women aren't THAT different from men.

I think there are a couple things that may help you long term:
1. Don't ever think or assume that ANYONE will help you with dating. YOU have to be the one to take charge, and make yourself attractive and someone a woman would be interested in.
2. loosen up on your idea of dating. Why does the woman you date have to be 'the one' before you even take her out? How do you know she is 'the one', even though you barely know her ? Your friends actually have the right idea about dating. Relax more, and have fun with it. Women don't like the 1950's concept of dating. This is 2012. Burn those old movies of falling in love, big romance, and old fashioned ideals. Start by just getting to know someone, and have fun.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:27 AM
 
17,869 posts, read 20,929,537 times
Reputation: 13948
If it was easy to find "the right one" this board wouldn't be nearly as fun to read.
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