Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've got a good life. I'm about to buy a house (fingers crossed), I make decent money (enough to support myself), I have friends and family who love me, and I have a lot of interests that fill my time. I don't have a relationship though.
But the thing is, I'm not lacking for companionship or love in my life. My friends and family are awesome, even if some of them are far way. Romantically speaking, I had a great, near-storybook romance in my 20s that I'm not looking to recapture or repeat. I'm not closed off to romantic love, but I'm not desperate for it. If it happens, well great. If not, well, I've already had that in my life and it was quite nice. The only thing missing from my life really is passion and sex.
I love the physical intimacy, the excitement, the sensation of it all. I love the adrenaline rush, and the relaxation that follows. I like the snuggling. My sex drive is high, to say the least.
Is it unreasonable of me to want a sexually exclusive relationship with no expectation of moving in together or getting married or even falling in love? Random hookups don't appeal to me, and I don't think I'd be able to have the kind of no-holds-barred sex I enjoy with someone I didn't have genuine warm feelings for or whom I didn't trust. I guess, really what I would want would be an exclusive FWB relationship, but the "F" part would have to be pretty genuine. If we should develop mutual romantic feelings, that's not my priority - but I wouldn't run from it either. And yeah, I realize these kinds of things usually end with someone getting hurt, but isn't that the way of most relationships? Is it possible to have a warm and friendly sexual relationship that is free of expectations, goals and agendas?
Has anyone had this type of relationship? If so, how did it end?
What you are asking for isn't realistic. Especially with the high sex drive. Quite likely, it will start awesome, but over a month with a lot of sex, the friend will get attached. Especially if you are talented.
You sound like you have your stuff together, but you don't want INTIMACY. Intimacy is different than sex.
FWB don't usually last that long, as someone usually gets attached. But, you won' know without trying. But, more than likely, seeking just a FWB and actually achieving FWB with a few different guys will change you. You will then only seek out detached type relationships, and you will do it over and over and over. Eventually, the carrying out those actions will change you, and people WILL notice. It depends on whether or not you care.
A genuine 'friend' and a FWB situation ? Pretty much sounds like a relationship to me....
Is it unreasonable of me to want a sexually exclusive relationship with no expectation of moving in together or getting married or even falling in love? Random hookups don't appeal to me, and I don't think I'd be able to have the kind of no-holds-barred sex I enjoy with someone I didn't have genuine warm feelings for or whom I didn't trust. I guess, really what I would want would be an exclusive FWB relationship, but the "F" part would have to be pretty genuine. If we should develop mutual romantic feelings, that's not my priority - but I wouldn't run from it either. And yeah, I realize these kinds of things usually end with someone getting hurt, but isn't that the way of most relationships? Is it possible to have a warm and friendly sexual relationship that is free of expectations, goals and agendas?
Has anyone had this type of relationship? If so, how did it end?
I had a genuine, exclusive FWB relationship for over 3 years. Basically, it was exactly what you describe yourself looking for. We never moved in together, never officially "committed" to one another, never fell in love with one another. We were genuinely friends, we'd hang out sometimes and watch movies or go out for dinner or something if we wanted to but a lot of the time it was just spending the night with one another. It was perfect for what I wanted at the time. So while I was effectively 'single', I never picked up other guys from the bar or hooked up with anyone else, nor did he. Sort of an unspoken mutual understanding.
This was when I was 21-25 years old though, I've since had a long-term committed relationship where we owned a dog and lived together and all that.
I guess it effectively ended because I moved 4000 km away But we didn't have to do the whole breakup song and dance/LDR talk or anything. He had a serious relationship while I was gone, as did I and now I'm back and he's gone for a while. We still talk occasionally and it's friendly; I don't think things would ever go back to how they were before I left though.
First, there is nothing wrong with what you're looking for. Just about everyone goes through a period in their lives where they crave physical attention (with or without LTR). You're right, though--to experience the type of sexual interaction you're looking for, you're going to need someone you can trust. By definition, that person is a friend.
Yes, quite a few FWB relationships end poorly, but in my experience that is largely due to the lack of communication. One person or the other develops feelings that extend beyond friendship but, because he/she doesn't want to end things or there are feelings of fear, nothing is said until it's too late. I haven't had an FWB, but I HAVE had an FB. I can tell you that communication/rules/boundaries are KEY to that type of arrangement.
It is entirely possible to "have a warm and friendly sexual relationship that is free of expectations, goals and agendas". However, it takes a perception change for that to happen. IOW, you may have to view the other person as a friend, not potential life-mate. This frees you to "lower expectations" a bit if needed, and also gives you flexibility in choosing a FWB. For example, some people desire someone who is physically fit as a LTR partner. If you're looking for someone as an FWB, you might relax that rule a bit and choose someone who is a little heavier than you'd like.
An FWB relationship is all about "clicking" in areas that are similar to a LTR but slightly less important. You'll still want to have things in common, but issues like children, finances, etc. are not that critical. In an FB situation, a lot more goes out the window. There are no real concerns about what happens outside of the bedroom/kitchen/living room/etc. because it's all about sex.
I will tell you this: It's possible to have a long-term FB (mine lasted a little over 6 months before I moved on). In that time, trust builds between both people and you can have the type of sex you're looking for. It's just a matter of learning likes/dislikes, understanding that certain boundaries exist, and enjoying the freedom in not having a "real" relationship to worry about.
Is it unreasonable of me to want a sexually exclusive relationship with no expectation of moving in together or getting married or even falling in love?
Yes. FWB is about as close as you're gonna get but you certainly have no right to expect exclusivity in such an arrangement.
Your situation is next too impossible. I've had it start out as completely platonic, but after 3 to 6 months, someone developed feelings. Either me or them. It was just hard to just be friends and not get a little jealous when she doesn't want to sleep with, because she's busy getting ready for a date or vice versa. It's a really hard situation to be in and even the women I know who dabbled in it, didn't do it for long. They still ultimately longed for intimacy and depth that a relationship could bring, which is ultimately companionship.
The world continues to revolve and people continue to age and mature. When you're stuck in an FWB rut, everyone else kind of passes you by. So if you are 30, and you are wanting a relationship that generally appeals more to 21-25 year olds, you end up mentally staying that 21-25 age range. It plays a big role into why 40 year old men only want to date 21-25 year women. They have lost touch of who they really are and allowed themselves to be stuck in that 21-25 year old age bubble. Ultimately, they never grew up!
What you are asking for isn't realistic. Especially with the high sex drive. Quite likely, it will start awesome, but over a month with a lot of sex, the friend will get attached. Especially if you are talented.
You sound like you have your stuff together, but you don't want INTIMACY. Intimacy is different than sex.
FWB don't usually last that long, as someone usually gets attached. But, you won' know without trying. But, more than likely, seeking just a FWB and actually achieving FWB with a few different guys will change you. You will then only seek out detached type relationships, and you will do it over and over and over. Eventually, the carrying out those actions will change you, and people WILL notice. It depends on whether or not you care.
A genuine 'friend' and a FWB situation ? Pretty much sounds like a relationship to me....
I'm fine with intimacy. My friendships and family relationships tend to be pretty intimate. I'm the person people tell their secrets to, and when stuff goes pear-shaped, I'm usually the first person people think to call.
I'm not sure why a series of FWB relationships would change me - can you explain? I'm not expecting to get married ever or even stay in a relationship for the rest of my life. I'm not going with the FWB concept until I decide on a lifestyle change. This is a carefully considered decision. If I'm going to grow old with anyone it will be with my two best friends (who have been my best friends for over 20 years and unlike me, have taken themselves entirely out of the dating scene and so will in all likelihood remain single). I also don't think I'll get (more) jaded - I genuinely like people and the defining feature of my personal code is considering whether my actions will harm another person.
I've already had a FWB relationship that ended - I broke up with him when I realized he had developed serious feelings that I could not return. Once I understood how he felt, to continue would have felt like using him, and I'm not into that - even if the sex was pretty damn spectacular. I would expect the same courtesy in return. Yeah, he was pretty upset for a few days, but he seemed to shake it off pretty good - he was dating someone else pretty seriously within a couple of weeks.
The difference I see between what I'm looking for and what the majority of single folks are looking for is that I don't really have an investment in whether it develops beyond a mutually enjoyable and affectionate sexual relationship. I will not rule out the possibility of more, but I don't want to conduct myself with the expectation that it will go any further beyond that point. I'm not looking to build a life with someone, in other words.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But we didn't have to do the whole breakup song and dance/LDR talk or anything. He had a serious relationship while I was gone, as did I and now I'm back and he's gone for a while. We still talk occasionally and it's friendly; I don't think things would ever go back to how they were before I left though.
