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It doesn't sound like you want to be married to her. She's not the right one for you and because of that you have to just suck it up and move out and start dating other people again.
This is what I read too.
OP, you are talking about how you are unsure if the relationship has staying power. It sounds like your are in a transitional stage in the relationship where the newness is gone, and you are unsure if this is the partner you want to be with the rest of your life or not. It is understandable to have some of those feelings at this stage too.
Keep in mind, no relationship will be "new" for the whole relationship. There is some good advice in this thread, and what you need to decide about is whether you want to commit to making the relationship last. (Which is what marriage is). You now know this woman, what her strengths are, what her weaknesses are.
I guess, she is either worth it to you to remain with or not. That can encompass whether you can get along with her through the bad times, build her up, work with her to better the relationship, and be forgiving on her faults. It is also about having your life goals, plans, direction, and timeframes on the same page.
That means marriage too. She has a life goal of eventual marriage (which I suspect is not new news to you), and if you do not share that goal, then you have a major incompatability. It stinks that it has come to an ultimatum, but it sounds like you have known for some time and are not stressed as the deadline is approaching.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you do not want to marry her, but are fearing a major change in your life when you tell her that (living alone, lack of companionship, etc).
Read what you wrote and think about what you'd tell your best friend if they said that to you. I think you know the answer, but don't want to do the heavy lifting.
You both deserve to be with someone who adores you and can't imagine life without you, not merely comfortable and complacent. No matter which way you go I see pain ahead. Best wishes.
It doesn't sound like you want to be married to her. She's not the right one for you and because of that you have to just suck it up and move out and start dating other people again.
I agree he has to move out. But I doubt he will find a date again since he is shy. Which is good coz he is satisfied with a dead end job and like most his life is not a ' for sure thing'. He deserve to be alone. His type is not relationship material.
I'm just wondering why the girl wants a ring on it when there will be no kids ever in the future anyway.
The title sums it up. Obviously I alone must decide and make the plunge (or not) but I'd like some feedback on my fears and my (not especially eventful)situation. So a little more information...
I'm 31 and have been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and eagerly moved into her apartment 2.5 years ago after she suggested it. So in some ways it almost feels like we're married, and overall I feel pretty comfortable with my living situation and more importantly her. Neither of us want kids which is good. She however has been hinting at marriage, at first it was a hint at least, now its pretty much an ultimatum. An ultimatum that we discussed back in August or so that I apparently need to propose to her by the end of the year which of course is fast approaching. I was hoping in vain and foolishly that she had somehow forgotten the "deadline" but of course she hadn't which she sternly reminded me of last week. She said I should move out next month if I don't propose. I know I've been putting this off but do you think many happy marriages begin in a similar way with an ultimatum? Is she being too controlling and demanding or do I need a "nudge"?
Thing is, I'm indecisive about a lot of major changes and I don't have a lot of direction in my life. I feel like I just kind of float around like a jellyfish in the current; like with my dead end but comfortable job and our relationship which she has complained doesn't progress. The honeymoon phase is over and I'm realistic enough to think that our relationship may not have staying power forever, I wonder if I should feel more certain about it but I'm not sure if I could be, with anyone. I feel in some ways that marriage is unfortunately unnatural and that most people aren't designed for it. Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women. Sorry if this sounds depressing. Maybe I should design some Hallmark cards .
I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that I'm pretty shy with women and thus haven't had many girlfriends. This has been my only really long relationship, so I have little past experience to compare my current situation to. Also obviously we have some differences and one of them is politics. She and her family is quite Democratic while I've been growing increasingly very Libertarian. We're all pretty accepting of our different viewpoints as long as we're tactful and low key about it, if somebody slipped some truth serum in our beverages though its possible the dining table would become a boxing ring. Also she wants to stay living in the big city, in contrast to myself who sometimes dreams of moving to a small town/rural area like the one I grew up in. However just like other things in my life, its not a "for sure" thing.
Anyways I've rambled enough for now about commitment and indecision. I'd like to hear how many others have felt this way and what they did about it.
Don't get engaged. This is too big a decision to be flippant about it, and any woman who thinks it's a good idea to get a ring via an ultimatum is a fool.
If you think this may work, I would urge both of you to go to counseling before even discussing getting engaged.
If you can't decide then don't do it. Marrying her must be the most important thing in your life, the thought of not being with her for ever should grab you like a fear.
If it doesn't? well... i'm sure you know the answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Dump her. You don't sound that into her and you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you manage to get over this "jellyfish" phase. Let her find someone who really WANTS to be with her. The primary emotion you seem to feel about her is indifference.
Let her go. Then work on getting a life and on feeling something more than "meh."
Agree with the above two posters. I really don't have a problem with the whole ultimatum thing. If she is madly in love with the OP and wants to share her life with him - she wants to know that he feels the same way. And she wants the rest of her life to start now. If you want to get married - that's what getting married means. If you don't want to get married and you simply want to live with someone for the rest of your life - then that's fine, too. But if you want to get married, then you don't want to waste years of your life with someone that you have no future with. After 3 years - you should really know. And if you still don't know - well, maybe that's your answer. My ex-fiance dragged his feet about taking the next step in our relationship every time the next step came up. My husband couldn't wait to propose and marry me. I'm so happy to be with someone who is as excited about sharing his life with me as I am with him.
The title sums it up. Obviously I alone must decide and make the plunge (or not) but I'd like some feedback on my fears and my (not especially eventful)situation. So a little more information...
I'm 31 and have been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and eagerly moved into her apartment 2.5 years ago after she suggested it. So in some ways it almost feels like we're married, and overall I feel pretty comfortable with my living situation and more importantly her. Neither of us want kids which is good. She however has been hinting at marriage, at first it was a hint at least, now its pretty much an ultimatum. An ultimatum that we discussed back in August or so that I apparently need to propose to her by the end of the year which of course is fast approaching. I was hoping in vain and foolishly that she had somehow forgotten the "deadline" but of course she hadn't which she sternly reminded me of last week. She said I should move out next month if I don't propose. I know I've been putting this off but do you think many happy marriages begin in a similar way with an ultimatum? Is she being too controlling and demanding or do I need a "nudge"?
Thing is, I'm indecisive about a lot of major changes and I don't have a lot of direction in my life. I feel like I just kind of float around like a jellyfish in the current; like with my dead end but comfortable job and our relationship which she has complained doesn't progress. The honeymoon phase is over and I'm realistic
enough to think that our relationship may not have staying power forever, I wonder if I should feel more
certain about it but I'm not sure if I could be, with anyone. I feel in some ways that marriage is unfortunately unnatural and that most people aren't designed for it. Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women. Sorry if this sounds depressing. Maybe I should design some Hallmark cards .
I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that I'm pretty shy with women and thus haven't had many girlfriends. This has been my only really long relationship, so I have little past experience to compare my current situation to. Also obviously we have some differences and one of them is politics. She and her family is quite Democratic while I've been growing increasingly very Libertarian. We're all pretty accepting of our different viewpoints as long as we're tactful and low key about it, if somebody slipped some truth serum in our beverages though its possible the dining table would become a boxing ring. Also she wants to stay living in the big city, in contrast to myself who sometimes dreams of moving to a small town/rural area like the one I grew up in. However just like other things in my life, its not a "for sure" thing.
Anyways I've rambled enough for now about commitment and indecision. I'd like to hear how many others have felt this way and what they did about it.
Man I'm going to be honest with you, first off marriage is beautiful. Some important things that stand out is you stated you're comfortable with your living situation and her. That's great but this is a big decision to make and should not be pressured to do so. Sometimes it takes some longer than others.
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