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Old 12-25-2012, 01:38 AM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,755,140 times
Reputation: 4103

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I know I said I don't like dating, but I find it annoying that I keep thinking about the last guy I dated especially because I know we're not even compatible. So I'm looking to talk to someone else and get me off this disappointment of why the last thing didn't work out.

But why does it always seem like people are always dating someone? I'm just wondering where do people find all these people to date? In the past, I dated people from school, friends, work, theater (shows I was in or audience members that approached me). It was weird in that I either had no one around, or they all seemed to come at once, so I guess you can say I have dated more than one person at a time, but it wasn't when I was actively looking or did it on purpose. It was just something that happened to me. I keep thinking that the last guy I dated, if I was dating other people at the same time, it wouldn't have crushed me as much as it did. Now I'm actively looking and I can't seem to find anyone I'm interested in. Well, all my friends for that matter! It seems to be the season for singles. I even tried dating sites but a lot of the guys that msged me seemed like sleazeballs or I got a bad vibe or the ones I thought were cute/interesting didn't msg me back. Okay, the longest I was on there was a week, but still! My new strategy is to never date just one person, because if you don't like them, you wouldn't feel so lonely that you'd feel forced to stay with them, and if you do like them, you won't come off as so desperate. But how am I supposed to do this if I can't even find people I want to date?

Coffee shops? I don't really hang out at public places by myself. I got hit on at the bar the other night when I was buying a drink, but it was some guy's "friend", and the guy himself seemed too shy and awkward and I didn't like that he couldn't ask me himself if it was a real scenario. I tried looking at meetup but the events were too expensive and I didn't like speed dating when I last tried it.

Are people just settling for their dates and not being so picky? That's why it always seems like they're dating? Something I'm missing here? I'm being extremely picky because I've dated people in the past I was ehh about and it made me feel so bad I wasn't into them. It's a numbers game right? Just meet as many people as you can?
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Old 12-25-2012, 02:39 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,380 posts, read 24,385,676 times
Reputation: 17418
People aren't always dating someone. It just seems like it.

YOU are focusing too much on dating or not dating. Forget dating. Hang out with friends you enjoy doing things with. Every once in awhile someone might come along who you will be interested in getting more involved with. Don't date just to be dating.
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Old 12-25-2012, 02:53 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
People aren't always dating someone. It just seems like it.
This. Both men and women have huge dry spells. That's why some of the common advice is to just live your life, be involved in activities, and don't worry about it. Eventually, you'll meet someone interesting. But good matches don't grow on trees. And don't write off the guys who are too shy to approach. You never know, they may be a gem. If you're not finding a good match among the guys who do approach, your odds can't be any worse with the guys who have a friend approach for them, can they? Just a thought.
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:01 PM
 
2,135 posts, read 4,266,037 times
Reputation: 1688
Its really not hard to find or date someone. I'm an average joe and I have been in relationships since I was 16. I'm now 23. There was maybe a year total where I wasn't dating. The first was a school friend, second was a blind date, and third became my boss who I am planning on getting engaged too.

Just be yourself I guess.
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:09 PM
 
4,176 posts, read 6,322,581 times
Reputation: 1874
Quote:
Originally Posted by ponchew0 View Post
I know I said I don't like dating, but I find it annoying that I keep thinking about the last guy I dated especially because I know we're not even compatible. So I'm looking to talk to someone else and get me off this disappointment of why the last thing didn't work out.

But why does it always seem like people are always dating someone? I'm just wondering where do people find all these people to date? In the past, I dated people from school, friends, work, theater (shows I was in or audience members that approached me). It was weird in that I either had no one around, or they all seemed to come at once, so I guess you can say I have dated more than one person at a time, but it wasn't when I was actively looking or did it on purpose. It was just something that happened to me. I keep thinking that the last guy I dated, if I was dating other people at the same time, it wouldn't have crushed me as much as it did. Now I'm actively looking and I can't seem to find anyone I'm interested in. Well, all my friends for that matter! It seems to be the season for singles. I even tried dating sites but a lot of the guys that msged me seemed like sleazeballs or I got a bad vibe or the ones I thought were cute/interesting didn't msg me back. Okay, the longest I was on there was a week, but still! My new strategy is to never date just one person, because if you don't like them, you wouldn't feel so lonely that you'd feel forced to stay with them, and if you do like them, you won't come off as so desperate. But how am I supposed to do this if I can't even find people I want to date?

Coffee shops? I don't really hang out at public places by myself. I got hit on at the bar the other night when I was buying a drink, but it was some guy's "friend", and the guy himself seemed too shy and awkward and I didn't like that he couldn't ask me himself if it was a real scenario. I tried looking at meetup but the events were too expensive and I didn't like speed dating when I last tried it.

Are people just settling for their dates and not being so picky? That's why it always seems like they're dating? Something I'm missing here? I'm being extremely picky because I've dated people in the past I was ehh about and it made me feel so bad I wasn't into them. It's a numbers game right? Just meet as many people as you can?
You have the same perception bias as many other single people (myself included). You're 'radar' is more strongly 'activated' when you see couples than when you see (apparently) single people. If you're feeling lonely and as if you're the only single person you know, this (false) notion is reinforced when you see couples. I'm guilty of it and it's certainly reassuring; it allows me to think that the problem isn't me, it's just that all women are taken.

I don't think people are being too lenient when it comes to dating. I actually think that one of the problems is that we judge others too fast and, even after a date or two, are too quick to let someone go.

I dislike use of the word 'picky' in terms of dating. It implies that the other person has to meet some pre-determined standard on a quality that can be gauged quickly: height, appearance, salary, etc. I'm willing to give people a chance, but don't think that means I have absent (or low) standards. IMO, it means I've matured and grown to learn that it's difficult to make a spot judgement on who you will and will not be compatible with.

There is truth to the numbers game, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be any screening. Based on your OP, you should give more men a shot before deciding whether you're a good fit.

Remember: you cannot have a numerator >=1 with a denominator of 0. Give more guys a chance; GL!
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:13 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by LIS123 View Post
You have the same perception bias as many other single people (myself included). You're 'radar' is more strongly 'activated' when you see couples than when you see (apparently) single people. If you're feeling lonely and as if you're the only single person you know, this (false) notion is reinforced when you see couples.
One of the most sensible posts this board has ever seen! I can only add that the media tend to reinforce this view. Kill your TV.
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:14 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,603 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
People aren't always dating someone. It just seems like it.

YOU are focusing too much on dating or not dating. Forget dating. Hang out with friends you enjoy doing things with. Every once in awhile someone might come along who you will be interested in getting more involved with. Don't date just to be dating.
Hey thata something I wanna. Here good job!
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:35 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
Reputation: 27047
You really sound needy. and, I doubt that is what you're hoping will come across to the other posters. Personally, I think you should do some soul searching and take some time off from even thinking about dating. Dating is something that just happens, a part of meeting someone and then discovering there is mutual interest. It was never meant to be a past time...That is a total waste of energy. Mutual affection cannot be orchestrated, or contrived, it just is.

And, no, you don't just date a bunch of people hoping to weed through them like culling a crop.
Seriously, do some reading, some research....get into some groups or hang out w/ friends. The quicker you realize that you don't have to be dating to be a complete person the better you'll feel.

Work on your esteem issues, do some volunteer work, help some friends, meet some personal best life goals....in general take the focus off yourself land the "missing" significant other long enough for you to grow emotionally a lot.

And, truly the best way to open yourself up to a love...is to just be yourself, be happy, be giving, be involved w/ life. People are inevitably drawn to people that seem to be well rounded, happy...not needy....So, be happy...cut yourself some slack.

Last edited by JanND; 12-25-2012 at 03:39 PM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 12-25-2012, 03:44 PM
 
2,135 posts, read 4,266,037 times
Reputation: 1688
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
You really sound needy. and, I doubt that is what you're hoping will come across to the other posters. Personally, I think you should do some soul searching and take some time off from even thinking about dating. Dating is something that just happens, a part of meeting someone and then discovering there is mutual interest. It was never meant to be a past time...That is a total waste of energy. Mutual affection cannot be orchestrated, or contrived, it just is.

And, no, you don't just date a bunch of people hoping to weed through them like culling a crop.
Seriously, do some reading, some research....get into some groups or hang out w/ friends. The quicker you realize that you don't have to be dating to be a complete person the better you'll feel.

Work on your esteem issues, do some volunteer work, help some friends, meet some personal best life goals....in general take the focus off yourself land the "missing" significant other long enough for you to grow emotionally a lot.

And, truly the best way to open yourself up to a love...is to just be yourself, be happy, be giving, be involved w/ life. People are inevitably drawn to people that seem to be well rounded, happy...not needy....So, be happy...cut yourself some slack.
I agree that dating just happens. In any of my relationships I wasn't looking for being in one. It just happened.
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