Married single mom w/2 kids young. Now unsure of whether to stay or leave. (dating, wife)
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Before I start, here's some background info: I'm a 23 year old guy. I've graduated from college, have a bachelors and masters degrees and before I got married..had some pretty good career prospects.. My wife is 25, graduated from highschool and was pregnant with two kids from a previous relationship before she was 23.
3 yeas ago I started dating a rather nice single mom online (her), did the whole long distance thing for a while and when I thought that I'd found the girl of my dreams, married her at the end of last year, kids and everything.
Before I got married, we previously only got to spend a few months of "real" time together and I hadn't fully grasped just how much of our time and my finances would revolve around the kids - as expected, we rarely get to do that much outside the house together, so dates, travel etc. are out of the window until she's ready for us to get a babysitter. It's stressful to say the least.
On the finance front, Their bio-dad is most likely in jail somewhere (according to my wife) and has never provided any assistance or child support.
This has meant that for much of the time I've been dating my wife, most of my paychecks have been helping her get through the bills, buy diapers, pay for clothes etc. I originally didn't mind but it can leave you out of pocket which sucks. She works as well, but a lot of the time, I contribute towards the majority of the bills.
It's at the 11 month mark in our marriage now and..selfish as it sounds.. I'm really starting to miss the idea of quiet time...getting to travel..getting to open up my own business or focus on my career..getting to hang out with friends and family...basically, getting to do anything that us adults would consider basic "fun". I wish I could do these with my wife, but with kids in tow and finances being the way they probably will be over the next few years..I don't know if its going to happen.
As a mom, my wife is more interested in family activities outside the house on the very few occasions we do have days off (or just sleeping) and this leaves us with barely any time to do things together as a couple. I COMPLETELY understand that the kids come first and we do need to do things as a family..but she doesn't seem to see how important doing things as a couple are. I'm also concerned that she has this self-decided view that until the kids are well into their teens, I will be the only one working while she will be in charge of bringing the kids up.
I love my wife..but I feel like if I stay..everything..both all my finances and my time are going to be spent on her and the kids over the next few years and I'll lose my chances for a business and career that could be successful (damn..i really feel selfish saying all this).
Don't get me wrong, whether it's foolish youthful thinking or the truth, I think my wife is the one, but I'm having a HARD time deciding whether at my age..love and all these sacrifices for her kids are enough to throw away the other opportunities I could have in life.
If you guys were in my situation, what would you do?
You should have thought about this BEFORE you married her and took on her kids. If you're not having problems in your relationship, you should man up and hold up your end of the bargain.
Guess what? Most people with children, whether bio or not, have to spend money to raise those kids.
You and the wife should get a babysitter and make time for just the two of you to go out and have some fun without the kids.
You need to start thinking of the kids as your kids, both of yours. Whether you have kids early or late they always take up a lot of time and money. Seeing as how you're in the thick of things at this point that means you'll also be out of this part earlier in life.
You do however need to keep a bond between the two of you so I'd suggest you tell your wife you need to set regular times together doing something just as a couple whenever possible. You can still hang out with friends and family.
There are ways to make things less expensive such as making your own baby food and buying used kids clothes as they grow out of them so fast. Try to put a little away off the top for weekends away and going out to dinner without the kids. Focusing on your career could equate to getting out of the house and quiet time. Things will get better.
Let me put it this way. Does your word as a man mean anything? You gave her (and the kids as part of the package) your word.
I understand mourning lost opportunities, but it's really too late for that now. If you really think she is "the one", what would you be out there looking for, anyway?
BTW, I agree with her about you are the one to be earning the money now. Kids do much better if there is a parent at home with them, at least until they are in school full time. They need a real parental influence (not a daycare) until age 5 or so.
You should have thought about this BEFORE you married her and took on her kids. If you're not having problems in your relationship, you should man up and hold up your end of the bargain.
Guess what? Most people with children, whether bio or not, have to spend money to raise those kids.
You and the wife should get a babysitter and make time for just the two of you to go out and have some fun without the kids.
Yes, I agree with this. Think before you decide to take the plunge!
Before I start, here's some background info: I'm a 23 year old guy. I've graduated from college, have a bachelors and masters degrees and before I got married..had some pretty good career prospects.. My wife is 25, graduated from highschool and was pregnant with two kids from a previous relationship before she was 23.
3 yeas ago I started dating a rather nice single mom online (her), did the whole long distance thing for a while and when I thought that I'd found the girl of my dreams, married her at the end of last year, kids and everything.
Before I got married, we previously only got to spend a few months of "real" time together and I hadn't fully grasped just how much of our time and my finances would revolve around the kids - as expected, we rarely get to do that much outside the house together, so dates, travel etc. are out of the window until she's ready for us to get a babysitter. It's stressful to say the least.
On the finance front, Their bio-dad is most likely in jail somewhere (according to my wife) and has never provided any assistance or child support.
This has meant that for much of the time I've been dating my wife, most of my paychecks have been helping her get through the bills, buy diapers, pay for clothes etc. I originally didn't mind but it can leave you out of pocket which sucks. She works as well, but a lot of the time, I contribute towards the majority of the bills.
It's at the 11 month mark in our marriage now and..selfish as it sounds.. I'm really starting to miss the idea of quiet time...getting to travel..getting to open up my own business or focus on my career..getting to hang out with friends and family...basically, getting to do anything that us adults would consider basic "fun". I wish I could do these with my wife, but with kids in tow and finances being the way they probably will be over the next few years..I don't know if its going to happen.
As a mom, my wife is more interested in family activities outside the house on the very few occasions we do have days off (or just sleeping) and this leaves us with barely any time to do things together as a couple. I COMPLETELY understand that the kids come first and we do need to do things as a family..but she doesn't seem to see how important doing things as a couple are. I'm also concerned that she has this self-decided view that until the kids are well into their teens, I will be the only one working while she will be in charge of bringing the kids up.
I love my wife..but I feel like if I stay..everything..both all my finances and my time are going to be spent on her and the kids over the next few years and I'll lose my chances for a business and career that could be successful (damn..i really feel selfish saying all this).
Don't get me wrong, whether it's foolish youthful thinking or the truth, I think my wife is the one, but I'm having a HARD time deciding whether at my age..love and all these sacrifices for her kids are enough to throw away the other opportunities I could have in life.
If you guys were in my situation, what would you do?[/QUOTE]
Seek help. See a therapist. It's one thing for people to tell you to stay, it's another for you to grow increasingly resentful of your wife and step kids. Staying married under those circumstance will lead to nothing good.
I agree that you should stay married, but you need help wrapping your head around the life your choose and what that means for everyone.
In short..you're screwed. Your life as YOU wanted is over. Finished. Done. Either arrange with your wife to schedule a babysitter say, once a week, or have fun being a sugar-daddy that wears a wedding ring.
Either way, you still get the short end of the stick.
I'm wondering if you realize whether you married someone that previously had kids or not, your wife could have gotten pregnant at any time with YOUR child. And then you'd be having similar thoughts as far as alone time, travel, etc (we all have), but not likely thinking of leaving her over it. You had to realize marrying someone with young kids would be a huge responsibility, especially if their father isn't in the picture.
I do think you need to have a full on discussion with her about it so you know where each other is coming from in regards to more kids, her staying home with them, desire to find a babysitter asap so you can have some adult time. You may think you're preserving her feelings by not telling her what's on your mind, but these are things the two of you should be working through as newlyweds so they don't turn to resentment down the road. Perhaps she'd have the desire to go back to school so she could earn a higher wage later on. That would help alleviate some pressure on you down the road, and more cash to start your own business. That btw, is going to take as much time as the kids most likely, but I bet she'll stand by your side through it all.
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