Can't move on: happiness to hell (warning: long read) (family, child, advice)
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I see. During the relationship was there anything about her or her actions that made you scratch your head at times or anything that you now see was a red flag? A long time ago I was unceremoniously dumped after 8 months together. We constantly did sweet couple things - a lot of which he initiated. I was stunned and obsessive about how it ended, but later I realized that the guy I was with was just playing a role the whole time we were together. There were other red flags about him that I noticed here and there, but I dismissed it because of all the sweet couple things we were doing.
You would know more than me since you were with her, but just from what you've posted, I'd have to question just how genuine she really was. Six months is long enough to develop strong feelings for someone, but it's still a short amount of time to be together. And it's just enough time for someone to keep up a facade and give you the impression that they have strong feelings for you, when in actuality they only see you as a fling. So they'll play the role until they get tired of it.
I think it's better not to contact her at all. But if you do reach out, only do it once. Have your talk, but understand that you're likely not going to get an answer to every single question in your head about what happened. She already gave excuses for her behavior and you say they were bogus - (you taking her away from her friends, etc.) That's usually a sign of avoidance and not wanting to be up front about why she did a 180. She most likely will have that same tactic if you pepper her with questions about why.
We like to think that closure is understanding exactly why that person hurt you and at what point exactly did their feelings change and why why why. It doesn't work that way. Someone who doesn't want to be with you just won't let you in their head like that, especially if they weren't genuine with you to begin with. It's possible that she wasn't. Many times the only closure that there is comes from time and you moving on - not from the one who hurt you.
This has been extremely useful and clarifying once again. Thank you, and I really mean that. The insight and advice you guys have been offering has really made a change and it was definitely worth spending more than an hour typing up "my story".
I can't think of any Red Flag moments. I'm quite sure she was the real her towards me the whole way. I remember right before she left for Sydney she told me "Do you understand that you have now become the closest person to me on this earth? Nobody, not even my parents or my best friend knows me better than you do right now. If I don't know who to turn to, you'll always be my last and final option I will count on to be there for me."
Ironically, as I'm typing this, Bon Jovi just came on the radio with "Always" ... lol
She shared things with me she never told anyone else. She shared with me how she had done a one night stand with a cab driver one night out of pure drunkenness, and even though it was extremely hard for me to swallow I learned to live with it because the gesture of her ultimate trust outweighed the "act". I know I shouldn't judge as guys sleep around with the most skanky types of females all the time, but I can't help it.
These and many other things bring me to believe that I saw in the depth of her true soul. Also, and I understand this might come off quite bad, I'm quite good at reading a person and his or her's intentions. I was never the smartest in class (far from) but I can detect and classify certain emotions and behaviors like no other. So sometimes when she would put up a front or lie to me about small things I would call her out on it and she'd end up admitting and sharing what she was initially trying to hide.
I already know that last paragraph is going to result in some people flaming me again, but it's something I'm convinced off.
I gave her a teddy bear the night before her flight, it actually was a pink piggy (it was my nickname...) and she sent me a text when she was commuting in Dubai saying "I had to cry the entire flight over here, I kept hugging piggy and imagining it was you with me"..... we were SO tangled up and close at that point, it felt like nothing could ever break that bond.. Then as time progressed I guess she had to learn to be on her own again, and she fell back in her old patterns of being an independent / gym addicted / proud / "I don't need a man" / cold / looks are everything kind of woman......... and there I was, still telling her I loved her on Skype.. and I think she just got disgusted and blocked the memories of us together. So no, no Red Flags. It was real.
You know the second she walked off that plane and got a glimpse of tanned muscular surfers, sparkling pristine sea, happy summer faces and our friendly ways, she forgot you completely.
You can either sook and sulk and refuse to accept it, or you can suck it up and get on with life.
If you feel the need to make contact, and get closure...do you have a mailing address for her? I know it sounds insane in this day and age, but maybe write her a letter. Honest to God pen and ink on paper, sent by postal mail.
It would perhaps be cathartic to you, and would save you the worry of how she will be on the phone, and she will read it a million times and decide if she wants to get in touch with you. Or at the least, you can do something a friend of mine did when he had things to say, but didn't feel good about reaching out and saying them. He wrote letters in a notebook, which he stashed away. It was a form of therapy he used on himself until he got over the girl.
You seem fairly comfortable expressing yourself in written language. Maybe something like this could be helpful.
Unfortunately, a few posters in an attempt to help the OP are unaware of the red flag indicators present. Including the length of the post, possibility of omissions and delusion, an askew time line and obsessive behaviors.... or Taken into consideration "Why" (or the true reason) she's now living in another country?? Think about it.....
The letter will not be the cathartic moment. I have no doubts the OP will continue as he's already described in length.
If you feel the need to make contact, and get closure...do you have a mailing address for her? I know it sounds insane in this day and age, but maybe write her a letter. Honest to God pen and ink on paper, sent by postal mail.
It would perhaps be cathartic to you, and would save you the worry of how she will be on the phone, and she will read it a million times and decide if she wants to get in touch with you. Or at the least, you can do something a friend of mine did when he had things to say, but didn't feel good about reaching out and saying them. He wrote letters in a notebook, which he stashed away. It was a form of therapy he used on himself until he got over the girl.
You seem fairly comfortable expressing yourself in written language. Maybe something like this could be helpful.
She obviously doesn't want contact with the OP so why send a letter at all, why not leave her alone so she can move on with her life and he just sucks it up and moves on with his. It's not all about him despite all the verbose ramblings and hand wringing.
Djuna, just out of interest, is it because you're a proud feminist that you blindly and automatically take "her side" because I happen to be a outspoken and proud man?
Your speculation is based on nothing. "She obviously doesn't want contact with OP". Actually she got upset at me that I told her we couldn't keep in touch after we broke up and couldn't be friends. So how exactly would that portray in her not wanting any contact?
For the sake of the story allow me to provide a brief description about myself. Please note none of this is to impress or brag. It’s to give you a clear image of myself so hopefully it will help you formulate good advice that’s fit for me. I’m 24 years old. I’m a very outgoing, confident, social person with a sharp humoristic edge. Often people view me as overconfident and I guess you could call me the typical “Alpha male”. I can be very loud, active and dominant. I’m 6’5 tall or 1m 95, I go to the gym 5 times a week so I’m well built. I’ve obtained both a Bachelor and a Master’s degree. I have plenty of friends and have slept with more than 25 girls in my lifetime. Beneath the external tough guy shell I’m actually an extremely sensitive and sweet guy. I’ve never been in a fistfight in my entire life and it’s fair to say I put on a front to impress people. I overthink and second-guess every move I make and I’m constantly thinking about past events which has caused me to suffer from deep depression plenty of times since age 15. Anything else you want to know about me, just ask. For the sake of not making my story any longer I’ll stop here.
My story.
So, enlightened souls, please explain to me. How do I get over this? How do I win this battle?
Awwww Raffael, I am so sorry. I totally understand what you are going through. It is amazing how attached we can get to people, in a relatively short time and particularly once sex has occured. It is also amazing how love can turn a confident person into a snivelling mess, in a short amount of time. I know what it feels like cause I've been there.
One of the first things I'd say to you is that despite the pain, you have to maintain your dignity. That's the only thing you have. So don't call her. No-contact is the way to go. When someone treats you like that, you should cut them off and move forward. Yes, I know it is the hardest thing to do at the time, but when time has passed, you'd wish that was the route you took.
Secondly, you need to "release" her. I don't know if you are into relationship books, but one of the best books I own is called Love will Find You, by Kathryn Alice. She has a chapter in there about how to release a love attachment. She also has a CD describing the process as well. I have used it regularly to release past loves. As part of the release, you would also have to focus on your own life and your own goals.
Another good book which helps is Journey from Abandonment to Healing, a classic book which might help you understand why you get so down when you go through a break up. It might be linked to childhood traumas.
I haven't read the entire thread so if other people have recommended what I wrote, please disregard.
You seem to be a very kind and sensitive person. Keep your chin up. This dating world sucks major balls, but you are still a worthwhile and lovable person
Also, I need to add that some of you CD posters were too harsh.
Haven't you ever gone through a break up? Don't you know how hard it is? How sappy you feel? How you ruminate over and over and over and over about your ex? Don't you remember the tears, the lack of appetite, lack of motivation, the pain, the darkness, the devastation? These are NORMAL reactions to a breakup.
Have some compassion. I know this forum is full of Know-it-alls and Perfect people but have some pity on someone who took the time to share his story about a break up. He's already feeling down. Being kicked around would not help.
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