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I finally decided to step outside of the box and give the 'nice guy' a chance only to find myself miserable and low on his priorities.
I'm single, attractive, in my 30's and I am an internist. I don't have kids, my work schedule is better than most physician and I have plenty of free time to dedicate to a relationship but apparently all this isn't enough for some guys. I have the worse luck with men. I have even lower my standards to dating a guy who I found out a few weeks into the relationship still lived at home with mom, dad, siblings and one of his sibling live in boyfriend. He is short at 5'7'' and plays in a band on the weekends. His daytime job is banking. I was willing to see pass the height issues and was glad he had a full time job and even though it bothered me at first that he lived at home, I got over this. What I refused to accept was continuing 'dating him' which to him meant spending a few hours a week with me and refusing to spend the night because he had family things to do, or had to be at band practice or "insert another excuse" After two month of that I told him he wasn't boyfriend material and wasn't making any effort to proof he wanted a real relationship.
My male friends told me that I should never had even bothered offering to split the restaurant bills with him. I personally felt that it was the fair thing to do since I work and can pay for my own meals. This didn't bother me at first but when things started to go down hill it started to bother me as none of my previous dates accepted my offer to pay my share. I guess I was just pissed off at the guy by then.
Anyways, so my attempt to give the so called Mr. Average Nice guy didn't pay off. He was no better than the previous bad dates I had but on some level just left me jaded more so than others.
I am what some consider a "nice guy" I really hate that term as I don't think that such things exist. If a woman asks, I just tell them im 50/50. I just stand up for what I believe in and I don't let anyone walk all over me. With that being said, I am sorry that it didn't work out and I do commend you on the fact that you tried to give an average joe a chance. I have been having to do the same thing in my area recently as well. No matter what though, make sure that going forward, you don't let this experience ruin any other chances for the "average joe". There is someone out there that is worth your time, effort, and energy and will reciprocate these feeling in return. Keep your head up and don't let the negative experiences of this one loser totally weigh you down. Good luck!
So you tried to have a relationship with someone you think is a schlub - you want a medal for it?
I've dated "beneath me" or lowered my standards - if you go by other people's opinions. Never by my OWN opinion. That's just dooming a relationship from the start. Your post implies more than anything that you were just "making do" with this guy rather than that you had any overwhelming desire to be with him.
You were dating someone who didn't value you and didn't seem to have a very good grasp on his adulthood (unless there were some good reasons for the way he was living). That's not acceptable. It's not about lowering your standards - it's about determining which of your standards are arbitrary or shallow or displacing self-/life-improvements you should be making on yourself onto the object of your "affection" (as in if you're looking for a guy who makes more money than you because you don't feel like doing it yourself). And just because you're stripping down your requirements to what really matters doesn't mean you're not going to kiss a frog or two (sorry Prince Frog )
So you tried to have a relationship with someone you think is a schlub - you want a medal for it?
I've dated "beneath me" or lowered my standards - if you go by other people's opinions. Never by my OWN opinion. That's just dooming a relationship from the start. Your post implies more than anything that you were just "making do" with this guy rather than that you had any overwhelming desire to be with him.
You were dating someone who didn't value you and didn't seem to have a very good grasp on his adulthood (unless there were some good reasons for the way he was living). That's not acceptable. It's not about lowering your standards - it's about determining which of your standards are arbitrary or shallow or displacing self-/life-improvements you should be making on yourself onto the object of your "affection" (as in if you're looking for a guy who makes more money than you because you don't feel like doing it yourself). And just because you're stripping down your requirements to what really matters doesn't mean you're not going to kiss a frog or two (sorry Prince Frog )
In regards to his living situation he said he was so close to his family that he spends a lot of time there so he didn't see the point of wasting money on an apartment.
I was going to call it quits after date number two but I felt he may have potential and that In should give him a chance.
It isn't so easy to hookup with other doctors/white collar etc. Many male doctors tend to want trophy wifes or marry their college sweetheart etc. A guy's profession is not as important as his character and chemistry imho. My issue with this guy was he wasn't relationship minded despite telling me that he wanted a relationship when I iniatially brought it up.
By the way other factors in the equation I left out is that he's 27 year old white guy and I'm a 32 year old black female. He didn't seem to mind presenting me to his coworkers at his Christmas party but I never met his folks. All he said was that he had a racist great-grandfather who apparently is deceased.
Anyways take that how you will but I don't think race was an issue as his immaturity and lack of commitment for a real relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lmw36
A few reasons why you are still single:
*You complain this entire time about "lowering" your standards, yet you were the one who willingly lowered them. You knew up front this man lived at home (yet you give us no reason, is he in a financial pinch, is his mother terminally ill, do his parents need help with expenses, or is he just not willing to grow up)?
*You list his height as an issue. This is not an issue. This is you seeing something petty and physical as an issue. This guy was doomed from the beginning. You should have said in your head "thanks but no thanks, i'm not into shorter guys" and moved on.
*Paying for half of your meals has nothing to do with this. I'm sick of seeing this paying half and half crud on this forum.
*He seemed to not want a relationship. I'm surprised it took you more than a few weeks to see this.
*You seem to enjoy the struggle that these relationships used to give you.
*You aren't dating men who live outside of their home.
*You mention his job and your job. Are you only into men with certain jobs? Just asking since you mentioned it, so it must be relevant.
How you can find a man you are interested in:
*Only date men you have a physical attraction to.
*Only date men who see you more than a few hours.
*Only date men who pay for you/don't pay for you, do whatever you think a man should.
*Change your definition of "Mr. Nice Guy" because I really don't understand what you mean by this definition. . Nothing you posted here is remotely definitive to this.
The signs were there and I guess I thought I was being open-minded by trying to give him time to prove me wrong but like you said it is another lesson learned or reminder to follow my gut instinct and not waste time on guys who are immature and have no intention of having long term relationships.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC
We see this situation a lot here in NYC where there is a surplus of single women in their 30s and older. I think you have to be careful with the way you think about men now. It is easy to look at a man as being a bit "beneath" you due to superficial qualities (like height) and that you are being very magnanimous for dating him as such it will be easier to get a commitment from him. As you now see, that isn't the case. This guy had no interest in commitment (maybe with you in particular or maybe he doesn't want to commit to anyone) and men like this come in all types of packages. There probably was a sign about how far your relationship would go in the beginning, but you didn't pay enough attention to it. I have been the exact same situation, not paying attention to the obvious message! You live you learn, all you can do is move on and know what to look for next time.
I'm not a troll. Sometimes the cliche most people complain about in this part of the forum is based on real experiences. I'm sorry if my post came across as arrogant or rude. That was not my intention.
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09
Obvious troll, this OP covers everything that people on this site cry about or use as an excuse.
That is what I did. Sadly I had become fond of him despite my reservations about the guy so it wasn't easy to break it off but I wasn't willing to drag it on longer and get myself more attached to a guy who had no intention of having a real relationship with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Viking
I would not settle. It is better being alone than with somebody you don't (can't) fully respect. I would listen cloesly to my gut and pay attention to how somebody makes me feel.
In regards to his living situation he said he was so close to his family that he spends a lot of time there so he didn't see the point of wasting money on an apartment.
I was going to call it quits after date number two but I felt he may have potential and that In should give him a chance.
It isn't so easy to hookup with other doctors/white collar etc. Many male doctors tend to want trophy wifes or marry their college sweetheart etc. A guy's profession is not as important as his character and chemistry imho. My issue with this guy was he wasn't relationship minded despite telling me that he wanted a relationship when I iniatially brought it up.
By the way other factors in the equation I left out is that he's 27 year old white guy and I'm a 32 year old black female. He didn't seem to mind presenting me to his coworkers at his Christmas party but I never met his folks. All he said was that he had a racist great-grandfather who apparently is deceased.
Anyways take that how you will but I don't think race was an issue as his immaturity and lack of commitment for a real relationship.
I hate to say it, but a lot of 27 year olds are living with their parents these days. Especially if they are buried under debt. I'm not sure of his case, but if he has the means, I can see why you'd expect a man to have his own place.
I've done the whole interracial thing, so I can see how it's difficult if you have a traditional family. But let's leave that out considering you were only dating for two months, and that's hardly that long to expect to be meeting family.
I'm not going to assume I know you, because I don't, but you came off in your initial post as a bit judgmental and immature when it comes to relationships. Talk about men not meeting your standards, but you talk about dating this guy who never really met any of yours to begin with. I guess I'm not seeing what your question or issue is other than you not dating men who you really want to date. I really don't see him doing anything "wrong" or not being "nice" to you other than you letting yourself date someone who obviously wasn't cut out for you?
EDIT: I really think you may need to look to dating older, more established men. Men who are like you and wanting more of a commitment. It's really not the 27 year-olds fault that he wasn't ready yet. I can see dating a few times and seeing where he is in life and moving on, but you chalk him up as not a "Mr. Nice Guy" which has nothing to do with anything. You just need to be dating older (maybe not necessarily age, but maturity and where they are in life) men who are on the same page, not to mention men you are actually physically attracted to. I still think it's kind of odd you called a man shorter than your tastes a "height issue", if it's really that relevant, date taller men. There's plenty of them.
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