For those of you who won't date single parents (ugly, abusive, cousin)

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by DR2012

That's insane. I can't imagine being in that situation, I know love is important but to choose such a difficult life for love is unfathomable to me. I can't imagine working everyday to pay for someone elses kids, but esp not for someone elses alimony/wife? NO WAY.

And while some parents might say "it's just a date" and it's not like you are getting involved, I really don't see the point of just "dating around" because what happens if you do get attached or someone gets serious and it gets down that road? I see no point in even starting with a single parent if you KNOW without a doubt that's what you do not want.

My sibling was in this situation. She ended up not putting her spouses name on stuff just so his former wife couldn't take her income. They did live very tight for so long because most of his money had to go to child support. Therefore, their life together, he couldn't contribute much.

Isn't it scary that can even happen? When I heard that it made me even more anti single dad. There are stories on YouTube and online sites where the new wife discusses how she has to pay her husband's ex wife alimony. This one guy I dated had a situation where after he paid child support, alimony and mortgage for his former house he barely had money for himself. He lived in a basement apartment and dates consisted of budget movies and fast food. No presents, no special dates, nothing unless I paid which I did sometimes. He got remarried and because his new wife makes more money his child support increased (not sure about alimony). She's upset because she wants a child but he can't afford one so apparently they are divorcing. The idea of me having to fork over my money to an ex horrifies me as does having to pay for most of the household because his ex gets most of his money.

[EpochWraith]

Originally Posted by DR2012

Exactly. I had plans with a single parent once, but the kid "didn't feel like it" at the last minute. I stood awkwardly in the toy aisle for THIRTY MINUTES while this parent tried to "Bargain" with the kid about why he couldn't have the toy. Ended up giving in. The kid was a brat who knew how to get his way. Every outing was a huge disaster, an event that was so exhausting. We never got to do anything we planned, it was always a meltdown of yelling and fighting in public. Like the other poster said... you have 2 people to choose from... same age, both intelligent, fun, etc... one has a kid like this situation, the other doesn't. What are you going to choose?

Not even a question - I would choose the single one without children.

It sounds like you dated the same woman I did, lol. I kid you not, her son pulled the exact same thing while in a store, restaurant, out in public & more, on more than one occasion. I did get along with her son and generally cared for him. However, after months (before the break up) and weeks (after coming back) of very little time for her and I, being 2nd 3rd 4th 5th in her life, having to deal with the lack of discipline from the ex-husband on the rare occasion he saw his child once a month, being treated like an employee instead of her man. I got tired of it quick. Their is a lot more which caused me to be done, but that is best left for another time and place. It's strange, while with her I wasn't able to see how I was being used because I cared for her so much (if that makes sense) as soon as it ended I clearly see.

[Amelie90]

Originally Posted by lpfan921

Why are kids a deal-breaker for you? I notice this more with men who won't date single mothers, although it can happen with women not dating single dads as well. Is it because the kids themselves drive you nuts and you don't like having them around? Or is it for financial reasons, because you fear that your significant other would guilt you into helping financially support a kid who is not yours? Or is there some other reason i have not thought of?

I don't have kids, and I've never dated a guy with kids before. Earlier this week, I matched with a guy on Tinder and later found out he was a divorced dad, but he seemed to have a great relationship with his kid from what I gathered. We scheduled a meeting which he canceled the day of because an issue came up with his kid. I understand that these things happen, so I said "no problem" and we rescheduled for later today. Well about an hour ago, I receive a text saying that he needs to cancel again due to his schedule and he doesn't want to bother rescheduling because he knows that he's an unreliable flake and it would be a colossal waste of time (well, he didn't say that last part but I'm saying it for him).

So yeah, I know that all single parents won't behave this way, but let's just say he didn't leave a great impression at all.

[Metaphysique]

I've never canceled a date. I've pushed back the time of date due to my then sitter's availability, but never outright canceled.

[cotocatmom]

If they had them full time, I would probably reconsider dating them. I don't even think I want kids of my own, so someone else's full time doesn't sound like fun. I could handle it if it was a part time custody situation, where the kids lived with them occasionally, but not 24/7.

[JaeVixen]

Well. I don't like to share. I want my first kids to be my lovers first kids so we can experience the first things together. It would be new to me not new to him. I don't want a kid that isn't my own because I want to start a family not add on one. Now if I was a single mom I'd be more likely be looking for a single dad because he knows what he is doing and he seems more like a family orientated man. But I'm not a mom. I don't want to be step-mom.

[t1nkerbell24]

I think there may be a difference on opinion, if a parent is sharing custody with their ex or if a parent has sole custody of a child.

Some people want to raise children. For some, if their partner has sole custody, then maybe raising their partner's child would be good enough to satisfy their parental leanings. For others whose partner's ex is also raising the kid, they would only be raising their partner's child 50% of the time, if even that, and that might not satisfy their parental leanings.

For some, a parent will live near their children (for example, if their ex moves, your partner will likely move, too); if the new partner ever wants to move, they might not be able to since their partner will live near their children (or vise versa- if you don't want to move, and your partner follows his ex around because of the kids, then tough luck, break up or move).

Originally Posted by TheBeagleLady

Where there is a single parent, there is often an ex who will be involved for the REST OF THE KID'S LIFE. It is difficult enough at times just being the second spouse with no kids involved.

In many cases, the partner won't want the ex back, but if you don't know your partner's ex, how do you know that she won't try to get their ex back (especially if she lied/used manipulation to get pregnant in the first place)?

Originally Posted by LexWest

One point that hasn't been brought up is how it affects your own life goals: i.e. if you want to marry and have kids of your own. While this may not be an issue for some parents, there are quite a few with a "been there, done that" approach to this, and won't want to remarry and have any more children. People that otherwise want this but stay with such people, usually become unhappy, and envious of their exes for getting the chance to have what they want. It's almost a punishment in a way, that because you've already experienced this that you don't think your partner deserves to experience what could be a better marriage, or raising another otherwise wonderful child. Not to mention, it can indicate trust issues (i.e. a fear if the new partner will also leave you and drain you for more child support). Again, this doesn't apply to all single parents, but I wouldn't want to date someone who is jaded about these and other related aspects of life.

I posted a month or so ago in another thread about my issues with this; I want to be a mom, my boyfriend already has 3 children and probably doesn't want more (although he flip-flops on that). I love him, and his kids are great, but I want to raise kids. (This is a huge issue that I've been dealing with lately...it tears me up inside.)

Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou

The rate of divorce is higher between childless/parent than any other group and it's because its is difficult to be childless and walk into a ready made family...A childless person is risking a lot to marry a parent, from seeing their own money go to help support the other family to their dreams taking a backseat to the other family to dealing with drama they had no role in but get caught up in it. I see no good reason for a childless person to marry a parent except they are desperate and feel they can get no better.

Or you just happen to fall in love with someone who happens to have kids...Would I rather date an abusive guy who has no kids, or a sweet man with kids? (And although I was in an abusive relationship before and wouldn't wish that on anyone, the latter part is hard, knowing that I could find a sweet childless man who could start a family with me.)

Originally Posted by VinceShamWow

I always find it odd that in online dating profiles, a lot of the single mothers will say something like, "My child(ren) are my number one priority, if you can't handle that, then keep moving!"

It's such a turnoff.

This so much. The single dads on the dating sites say things about how their kids will always come first, BUT it's the talk about how women have done them wrong, etc., the bitterness that makes me not ever want to even talk with them.



Other reasons posters wrote that I agree with:

Originally Posted by ferretkona

In EVERY single case of a single parent their children is their single priority. There is nothing wrong in this, in fact it is biologically correct. However it is a barrier only the desperate will lose in.

Originally Posted by augiedogie

Let me add that if there is a marriage, then the step parent ends up becoming part of the support system for the child, BUT, when there is a discipline problem, all of a sudden you aren't the parent. If junior gets in trouble, now the step parent is expected to be supportive and part of the solution, a solution that they have no part in making decisions about.

Originally Posted by stan4

you have the responsibility and none of the power

Originally Posted by mochamajesty

Kids are not something that you compromise on. If you don't want kids of your own (or whatever reason) and you meet that person with 101 qualities but she has a child, you absolutely should move on if that is not what you want.

Originally Posted by BioMechanical

in my age group they typically don't want more kids besides the ones they had with somebody else. I wouldn't mind having someone else's kids in my life because I love kids, but I also want to have my own.

[McBain II]

Originally Posted by lpfan921

Why are kids a deal-breaker for you? I notice this more with men who won't date single mothers, although it can happen with women not dating single dads as well. Is it because the kids themselves drive you nuts and you don't like having them around? Or is it for financial reasons, because you fear that your significant other would guilt you into helping financially support a kid who is not yours? Or is there some other reason i have not thought of?

A few reasons:

- I'm not really crazy about children and would prefer not to have them.

- I'm not the type to accept a 2nd place role, and with a single mother you will always be second fiddle.

- Single mom's usually equal baby daddy drama. Not always, but far more often than not.

Unfortunately I had reached a stage in my life (28 years old) where finding someone who didn't have kids was getting tough. Thankfully I managed to luck into my current girl, who is essentially baggage free.

[Idon'tdateyou]

Originally Posted by t1nkerbell24

Or you just happen to fall in love with someone who happens to have kids...Would I rather date an abusive guy who has no kids, or a sweet man with kids? (And although I was in an abusive relationship before and wouldn't wish that on anyone, the latter part is hard, knowing that I could find a sweet childless man who could start a family with me.)

The thing is nothing is absolute, meaning there are abusive dads and sweet men without kids. If these are the only men women are meeting they aren't trying hard enough. I'll take neither and yes would rather be alone than date either.

[Veneficus]

The idea of spending my own energy, time, and resources to raise someone else's DNA is bizarre.