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I think you find a happy living arrangement with your significant other and hold onto it just as it is. I just watched the movie He's Just Not Into You, and apparently my thinking is not the same thinking as the movie's scriptwriter. In the movie, one of the women was in a happy 7 year relationship with a guy, but then after talking to some of her girlfriends, she became upset that he was apparently never going to marry her. She ended up breaking it off. I found the attitude sort of annoying. Why end something that is working just because it doesn't conform to society? If kids are [potentially] involved, then it might be different. But aside from that factor, why feel it necessary to follow customs just to be like everyone else?
I was never interested in cohabitation and never will be. I'm really old-fashioned in that area. If he's just going to be my bf then we can date without living together but I'll still dump him eitherway if after 2 years, I see it going no where.
Only way I'll live with a man if we're on the same page, it's proceed by a proposal, there is a date set on as well as where it's happening and invitations are send out.... in other words: GET TO THE POINT; FULL COMMITMENT OR NOTHING.
It is the norm rather than the exception in my observation for divorced partners to lose a necessary focus on the needs and welfare of the children and to focus on petty differences. I'll give you a practical example of one woman I know. Yes, her ex cheated on her. Yes, he was bipolar. Yes, he drank. Yes, he was afraid of responsibility. But, he loves his two boys, and they adore him. Recently his GF left him and his first impulse was to move closer to his boys so that he could spend more time with them. Rather than focus on this and encourage it, she chooses to focus on his lack of punctuality, the quality of food he feeds the boys, how late he lets them stay up, his housekeeping, etc., and makes snide remarks about what a loser he is on FB where she knows he and his family will see the snipes. You tell me how that's going to help matters or how it is in the best interests of the boys or even in her best interests. Yet this kind of thing is the normal endpoint in divorces. I'll bet you good money that in the end this guy pays for his sins ten times over and in the end his sons are forced to choose sides -- and guess what, no matter what side they choose, they lose, the Dad loses, and the Mom loses.
You might (or might not, for all I know) regard the motherly concerns I describe above as "taking charge of situations involving the children" but most men would regard it as judgmental carping. One person's taking charge is another person's feeling controlled. The cold reality is that if you want that level of control over how your children are raised you should have left after the sperm donation and raised it by yourself in the first place. Or, stayed married in the conventional 1950's sense where the Dad has highly compartmentalized child rearing responsibilities involving earning money and paying bills and doing stuff you're not interested in like teaching Johnny how to stick hooks through worms when fishing.
Yes I'm not denying parents carry on during a divorce and use the children as 'pawns,' but 9 times out of 10 a dissatisfied man will use that when the real issue is something else, usually the woman asserting her authority & and doesn't think she has a 'right' to.
The example of the woman you know; she chose to deal with a man who had those problems prior to marriage (right?) so if he's not feeding the kids the right foods or keeping house that well, she should already know this. (On a side note: I'd love to see the number of guys who would line up for a 'bipolar alcoholic woman )....They would be telling her to 'get help for her mental problem' and she 'shouldn't be raising her kids' -- no mention of "but, but she loves them." If she had a live in bf, guarantee he would be sticking his nose into that situation but for a woman, saying anything to the contrary as to how the child is being treated when with the father is unacceptable.
I'm sorry but just because he loves those kids, he doesn't get a pass for feeding them unhealthy food and keeping a dirty house. Her calling him a loser or any other names like that is pointless and does nothing but inflame the situation. Both of them sound like a hot mess.
From what you said about her voicing her opinion on his housekeeping skills and bad foods, staying up late, etc. -- that is what I meant by "the mother taking charge of the situation with her children." Women who do similar, even if she made suggestions in a better way then she did -- it wouldn't matter, her saying anything at all results in her being a controlling bit*h' and subsequently vilified as such by the father. They suggest she should've used a 'sperm bank' as opposed to trying to have a say so in what's best for the kids. That's how the men see it.
I was never interested in cohabitation and never will be. I'm really old-fashioned in that area. If he's just going to be my bf then we can date without living together but I'll still dump him eitherway if after 2 years, I see it going no where.
Only way I'll live with a man if we're on the same page, it's proceed by a proposal, there is a date set on as well as where it's happening and invitations are send out.... in other words: GET TO THE POINT; FULL COMMITMENT OR NOTHING.
I am just curious to know what your dating life is like with this mentality? Do you often get told to 'find men in the church if that's how you see things?' (Because apparently you won't find a man walking around outside the church who appreciates a woman with some kind of morals where these things are concerned, LOL). That's what it sounded like when it's been said to me. Some man told me, "if you wouldn't live with a man before marriage or in a LTR you should go live a convent." I can easily throw out more things they claim about a woman who won't play house with him until he gets bored of her.
Guys DO benefit from divorce! Guys can walk away with a tidy bundle, if she's paid for the house. Guys can and do get the kids, at least 1/2 custody, if not full custody, if they want it. This cliche stuff is very outdated. So last millenium!
No its not a cliche. If it is, its because its true 97% of the time, like saying "dont stare into the sun with a telescope" is a cliche because its good advice. You're describing unusual circumstances where a poor guy marries into money. Liz Taylor's ex Larry Fortensky made out like a bandit but the reason people even remember that guy is because of how unusual his case was. Courts ALWAYS give the mom full custody unless she volunteers not to have it or is demonstrated to have abuse problems.
I am just curious to know what your dating life is like with this mentality? Do you often get told to 'find men in the church if that's how you see things?' (Because apparently you won't find a man walking around outside the church who appreciates a woman with some kind of morals where these things are concerned, LOL). That's what it sounded like when it's been said to me. Some man told me, "if you wouldn't live with a man before marriage or in a LTR you should go live a convent." I can easily throw out more things they claim about a woman who won't play house with them until they get bored of her.
No, I'm currently single and have been for a long time; still looking for the right man.
Yeah, usually they want to play house and when it gets boring, not only is the woman dumped but they can find someone else who probably doesn't even put much effort as his ex gf did and she might even get proposed earlier. I read about stories like these on other forums.
Another poster mentioning about me being needy and insecure. No, I love myself and if I was truly needy then I wouldn't even be working nor studying.
Marriage is great if with the right one, but can be horrible with the wrong one. People tend to get married and divorced too quickly. First time something goes wrong people use the D word.
A life long live in girl friend is basically a common law marriage anyway.
I wouldn't just want to live with someone, its marriage or nothing.
No its not a cliche. If it is, its because its true 97% of the time, like saying "dont stare into the sun with a telescope" is a cliche because its good advice. You're describing unusual circumstances where a poor guy marries into money. Liz Taylor's ex Larry Fortensky made out like a bandit but the reason people even remember that guy is because of how unusual his case was. Courts ALWAYS give the mom full custody unless she volunteers not to have it or is demonstrated to have abuse problems.
The majority of these fathers never had an interest in full custody in the first place. So I guess that works out well.
And you should probably look to the history of fathers in this country and their repeated irresponsible behaviors where baby making is concerned. These are the same men that spout: "she should've used birth control, that's on her." or "Well I wanted an abortion she didn't," etc. etc. They tend to see the whole thing as "not my fault or my responsibility" once the sex is over and take flight accordingly. (Now they're crying over full custody? LOL). They've done this so many times that now the children by default, are assumed to just go to the mother because that's how it usually ends up anyways *shrugs*. Most judges are males btw and always have been.....
No, I'm currently single and have been for a long time; still looking for the right man. Yeah, usually they want to play house and when it gets boring, not only is the woman dumped but they can find someone else who probably doesn't even put much effort as his ex gf did and she might even get proposed earlier. I read about stories like these on other forums.
Another poster mentioning about me being needy and insecure. No, I love myself and if I was truly needy then I wouldn't even be working nor studying.
I'm not surprised you're single (not by you personally) but that mentality is very unpopular with men, which is typical. Some women do not mind living with this one for 2 years and then that one for 5 years, endless circle and hey that's fine for them, would never be me though. That is another one they throw out there "you're needy and insecure" if you feel you need to have a ring on your finger. It's all designed to get you to do what they want b/c it benefits them mostly. I stopped falling for that mess long ago. If that's not what you want to do, then don't do it. Period.
Here's irony: They swear by getting these women to play house with them and that's the only way to go. Okay, say they do -- and continue on for 5 - 6 years that way with her and there's a baby or two somewhere in there. They break up......
Now she's a single mother with two kids who's never been married and the next guy won't date her because she's 'damaged goods' now.
Location: where people are either too stupid to leave or too stuck to move
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes
you're right. somewhere it got into talking about single fathers/single mothers which belongs in that other thread instead of this one....this is supposed to be about single men and marriage. LOL. So....
IMO, most single men have a myriad of reasons why they shouldn't get married and commit to one woman. Many women buy into it and then don't expect anything from him in those departments.
this is why i have romance books and film.. the unreal is more powerful than the real because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it
Marriage is great if with the right one, but can be horrible with the wrong one. People tend to get married and divorced too quickly. First time something goes wrong people use the D word.
A life long live in girl friend is basically a common law marriage anyway.
I wouldn't just want to live with someone, its marriage or nothing.
Your right marriage is great with the right one, but some times it takes a while to figure out that said person isn't the right one. It took me 10 years of being married to the wrong one to see it. That's why I think people should live together first to some extent anyhow. Like any realtionship you have to keep moving forward.
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)....They would be telling her to 'get help for her mental problem' and she 'shouldn't be raising her kids' -- no mention of "but, but she loves them." If she had a live in bf, guarantee he would be sticking his nose into that situation but for a woman, saying anything to the contrary as to how the child is being treated when with the father is unacceptable. 
