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My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 awesome kids together (12 year old girl and 9 year old son). We work really well together as parents. We are also in our early to mid 40's and have an active social life and sex life. Most people that know us look at our marriage as being very strong.
All that being said though we have one major issue. My wife is a very sneaky, private, dishonest person. She claims that it stems from her childhood and early adulthood. She was molested by both an older brother and her father. From what I understand it was inappropriate touching not full-fledged intercourse. She also was involved in an abusive marriage in her early 20's. She says she just learned to lie as sort of a defense mechanism. So to avoid conflict in our relationship she says she just says what she expects to be the response least likely to cause any conflict. This has lead to me catching her in numerous lies, which has eroded away my trust in her. In addition some of the lies have stemmed from inappropriate relationships with men. While the only things I've caught her doing were conversational, I am not 100% convinced that she's been faithful throughout our marriage. I've got no evidence of this, but it just goes back to the trust thing. This is probably exasperated by the fact that I'm adamantly honest. None of the inappropriate conversations I've uncovered had ever including planning of a get-together or implying any previous encounters.
The problem in all this is that my lack of trust causes me to worry or question everything she does and everywhere she goes. Most of the time it doesn't pose a huge problem in our relationship because we are together a lot. But whenever she spends time away (she may say she's going shopping, staying late at work, dropping something off to someone), I start to wonder. It sucks living this way. In the past I have talked to her about this and given her past transgression she had been very understanding and took responsibility for contributing to me feeling this way. But lately she's been getting more annoyed when I bring it up and seems to be getting frustrated with my lack of trust. The problem is that it seems like every time i start to gain trust in her something happens that damages it again. The last time was about 6 months ago when an old friend of hers that she had been in contact with professed his love for her in a text message. She didn't show it to me I looked in her phone and found it (something I rarely do). When I confronted her she stated that he had been saying these things to her but she did not reciprocate anything. I actually confronted the guy without her knowledge and he apologized and also said that is was all him. Whether that's true or not I don't know.
In addition to this trust issue I have started to have serious doubts regarding how much my wife is really "into me". She doesn't show the same passion for our relationship as she used to. Her presents at Christmas and birthdays show very little thought or effort. She gets easily annoyed by me, and doesn't seem overly concerned with whether this bothers me or not.
I'm not interested in anyone assessing "why" she is doing these things. I don't care if anyone thinks she is having an affair. I'll either find that our or I won't. I only want to deal with what I do know.
So here is what I'm struggling with. I am happy with my family as it's currently structured. We parent our kids well. We get along the vast majority of the time. But I'm not satisfied with our relationship. I'm worried that we can't grow, because she is not interested in making the changes necessary or put forth the work. I think she has lower expectations in the relationship given her past. Part of me wants a relationship with someone that values honesty and closeness the way I do. But I want that with my wife, and I don't think she can give it to me. I also fear that being 45 I would have difficulty finding what I'm looking for anyway. It's also hard for me to imagine not being with my wife.
Sorry for the lengthy post. Not sure what I'm looking for as far as advice goes.
Wow, that's a very complex and nuanced problem. I don't have much common experience.
What would happen if you asked her what she wanted to do, in terms of your future together? Would she just tell you whatever she thought you'd want to hear? Do you think you'd be better living without her, if you both could manage the kids?
if you remain married, would you be comfortable allowing her to do as she pleased, even if it includes seeing other people to whatever degree she chooses? Perhaps taking away the prohibition would make straying less attractive? It sounds like she already has a secret life.
Or do you think you could somehow compel her into correct married behavior through couples counseling?
I would guess that your wounds dovetail in some way.
I would also guess that you, yourself have trust issues stemming from your childhood.
I think counseling is the only way to unravel this dysfunctional way you both have of coping.
You are blaming her -but I bet if you look in the mirror you have some unresolved issues.
Now would be a good time to fix them so you don't pass this dysfunctional pattern on to your children (if you haven't already).
P.S. The more you try to control her, the worse things will get. You do not "own" her and cannot "allow" or "disallow" another human being to do anything.
Wow, that's a very complex and nuanced problem. I don't have much common experience.
What would happen if you asked her what she wanted to do, in terms of your future together? Would she just tell you whatever she thought you'd want to hear? Do you think you'd be better living without her, if you both could manage the kids?
if you remain married, would you be comfortable allowing her to do as she pleased, even if it includes seeing other people to whatever degree she chooses? Perhaps taking away the prohibition would make straying less attractive? It sounds like she already has a secret life.
Or do you think you could somehow compel her into correct married behavior through couples counseling?
I have communicated to her my concerns. She has told me many things. One time she told me that she felt that we should split up because I would be happier with someone else. But later that day she said that she just reacted that way out of frustration.
When I've brought up the way I don't feel "loved" by her she mostly attributes it to her stress at work or being tired and claims she still is very much in love with me.
Do I think I would be better off living without her? That is the million dollar question. If I found someone that possessed many of her same qualities, but that was a more honest person then part of me says yes. But after 12 years together it's hard for me to imagine my life without her in it. I can't fathom making decisions in my life without her being a part of them.
As far as remaining married and her doing as she pleased I don't think I will ever stop worrying about her motives or what she is doing.
It happens. I've caught my g/f lying before and even read e-mails she's not happy and that sort of stuff. I'm not worried about it as from my perspective the lying was more about how I would react to certain situations as opposed to her actually being naughty. I wouldn't be concerned if I were you unless you have concrete 100% evidence she's been cheating. I think most women do lie, a lot of them started this as teens as a result of over protective or helicoptering parents. Us men probably grew up under different circumstances being able to come and go as we please but with women it's like they were expected to be in by 10pm or "you must be having sex" or up to no good. Give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her.
As far as her not being "into you as much"....this happens also. Women go through phases where the grass is greener. If anything I'd probably giver her more freedom but also try to spend more quality fun time with her as well. I'm kind of in the same boat being in a long term for 15 years and being 46 myself so it is a frightening prospect to be newly single so I just roll with it with mine and once she get's a taste of some freedom, I'm pretty trusting and confident she'll again be happy and return. They need a little space once in awhile.
Last edited by Sgt. Buzzcut; 12-30-2012 at 12:48 PM..
Reason: sp
Essentially, it sounds like you need more, from an emotional standpoint, than she does. You could seek professional advice on your own, or do some research online or at your public library and try to discover what your own issues and needs are and how to be happy if you never receive the same fom your wife.
She may be perfectly content for things to remain the same, so you need to find out how to get what you need to be happier.
I would guess that your wounds dovetail in some way.
I would also guess that you, yourself have trust issues stemming from your childhood.
I think counseling is the only way to unravel this dysfunctional way you both have of coping.
You are blaming her -but I bet if you look in the mirror you have some unresolved issues.
Now would be a good time to fix them so you don't pass this dysfunctional pattern on to your children (if you haven't already).
P.S. The more you try to control her, the worse things will get. You do not "own" her and cannot "allow" or "disallow" another human being to do anything.
I knew this would be the response from someone. This has nothing to do with my unresolved issues of trust. Until the first time she gave me reason to question her I never did. I've never been jealous or controlling person.
I do agree that counseling would possibly help us. But I question whether my wife would be honest and open enough for it to help us.
Essentially, it sounds like you need more, from an emotional standpoint, than she does. You could seek professional advice on your own, or do some research online or at your public library and try to discover what your own issues and needs are and how to be happy if you never receive the same fom our wife.
She may be perfectly content for thongs to remain the same, so you need to find out how to get what you need to be happier.
Ironically I am not needy from an emotional standpoint. Generally I just roll with it. During the first 8 years of our marriage she was much more likely to question how I felt. This questioning of how much she is "into me" is something that just started occurring a few years ago when I started catching her in these situations with male "friends". You'll just have to trust me that these situations were legitimately inappropriate and not me being controlling. I assure you I'm not a controlling, needy guy. If we didn't have kids and had not built this entire family unit together I would probably not be stressing this so much.
Ironically I am not needy from an emotional standpoint. Generally I just roll with it. During the first 8 years of our marriage she was much more likely to question how I felt. This questioning of how much she is "into me" is something that just started occurring a few years ago when I started catching her in these situations with male "friends". You'll just have to trust me that these situations were legitimately inappropriate and not me being controlling. I assure you I'm not a controlling, needy guy. If we didn't have kids and had not built this entire family unit together I would probably not be stressing this so much.
I believe you. You sound quite rational... I really don't know what you should do. Do you have family or friends you can discuss this with?
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