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good question deserved an answer.
when we go to the top of a hill and cry out i want blah blah blah more than anything and will do absolutely anything to get it, the wrong entity hears us and grants our wish.
go to coda 12 step and learn to break this horrible enslavement.
Are you truly interested in the dynamics of abusive relationships out of concern for these young women, or is this just sour grapes because you've been rejected? Women are just as wary of the self-proclaimed "nice guys" as they are of overtly abusive men. It's two sides of the same coin, really. Both groups feel entitled to what they want, regardless of what the woman feels.
Most women don't enter a relationship wanting to be treated badly. Abuse happens over time, and is so insidious that the woman may not even realize that she is in an abusive relationship. A common analogy is the frog in a pot of water. If you tried to put a frog in a pot of water that is already boiling, it will jump out. If that frog is placed in a pot of cool water and the heat is slowly turned up, the frog will cook to death.
Abusive guys are well aware of their behaviors and they are generally not dumb enough to punch a girl out on the first date. On the contrary, they often appear charming. The loving behaviors that first attracted the woman to him start to fall away once the abuser feels that he's got his hooks into her. It may start with a criticism or an argument, and really, what relationship doesn't have those? The controlling behaviors and the put downs increase. There may also be religious abuse occurring, as some people interpret certain Bible verses to mean that a woman is a man's property and that he holds dominion over her. That's why you may see some of these behaviors among your fellow church-goers. Gaslighting and crazymaking behaviors occur; the abuser may contradict something he said five minutes earlier, deny, spread rumors, whatever it take to keep her off-balance. Then there is financial abuse. By the time the abuser throws the first punch or starts blatantly cheating on her, she's already been put through the ringer mentally and emotionally.
This is not an individual problem, it's a societal problem. And guys who blame women for the man's abusive behavior because THEY'RE not the ones getting all the ladies are part of the problem. One step in the right direction would be to become educated with regard to this type of relationship and put the blame squarely on the abuser - where it belongs!
This is such an amazing, accurate post....so many people just don't realize how it doesn't just happen overnight.
It takes time, but once she realizes it - its too late. The damage is done.
She didnt have to cut them off. She is an adult who is capable of rational thinking. The signs are there and Im sure most of them know what an abusive relationship is orb notice creepy behavior such as, I dunno, telling you to stop talking to friends and family. If you choose to ignore them because you are "blinded by love" then thats up to you. Free will. Use it
Oh boy.
If abuse was such an overt and straightforward process as you seem to believe, abusers wouldn't be able to get away with it.
First of all, no one is 100% rational all of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. People make decisions based on emotion and then justify them with logic. This in no way absolves the abuser of his behavior.
Also, I don't think most people have an accurate perception of what abusive behavior is, or what an abuser "looks" like. Most people think of abuse in the extreme - the black eyes and busted ribs. They think that an abuser should be easy to spot because in their head they have pictured some knuckle-dragging *sshole lunatic with nothing going for him. Abuse takes many forms and cuts across socioeconomic strata. There are many abusers that perform well at their jobs, are pillars of their community, and have plenty of friends.
And, abusers don't typically start out by telling their partner to stop seeing their family and friends. They may monopolize their partner's time by telling her that they love her so much that they want to spend as much time as possible with her. This sounds romantic in the beginning, because remember, he is at this point still on his best behavior. As time goes on, he may "forget" to tell his partner that so-and-so called or stopped by, he may tell her that her female friends are coming on to him, spread rumors, etc.
I'll reiterate that people are sorely uneducated when it comes to abusive relationships. The abuser depends on this ignorance.
I was in an abusive relationship when I was 15. Oddly enough, my abusive parents seemed to be appalled that I was allowing someone I was dating to lay a hand on me.
If abuse was such an overt and straightforward process as you seem to believe, abusers wouldn't be able to get away with it.
First of all, no one is 100% rational all of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. People make decisions based on emotion and then justify them with logic. This in no way absolves the abuser of his behavior.
Also, I don't think most people have an accurate perception of what abusive behavior is, or what an abuser "looks" like. Most people think of abuse in the extreme - the black eyes and busted ribs. They think that an abuser should be easy to spot because in their head they have pictured some knuckle-dragging *sshole lunatic with nothing going for him. Abuse takes many forms and cuts across socioeconomic strata. There are many abusers that perform well at their jobs, are pillars of their community, and have plenty of friends.
And, abusers don't typically start out by telling their partner to stop seeing their family and friends. They may monopolize their partner's time by telling her that they love her so much that they want to spend as much time as possible with her. This sounds romantic in the beginning, because remember, he is at this point still on his best behavior. As time goes on, he may "forget" to tell his partner that so-and-so called or stopped by, he may tell her that her female friends are coming on to him, spread rumors, etc.
I'll reiterate that people are sorely uneducated when it comes to abusive relationships. The abuser depends on this ignorance.
Enjoying your responses in this thread! The bolded paragraph is 100% accurate. Even in the OP's thread title, he asks why it takes "forever" for a female to realize...because the abuse process is a long and drawn-out one, seems like "forever". It's not direct and doesn't happen overnight. If it was that quick and obvious, people wouldn't be in these relationships.
Trust me, it is not limited to women your age. But you probably don't keep the company of older folks, so it is understandable that you would think that way. What is sad is that they will probably go on for years this way and end up like one of the more mature folks I am referring to. I know it is infuriating, but there is nothing you can do about it. Only they can decide when they have had enough and when they are ready to make different choices.
Much more so than men think with their dicks.
A woman will stay with a man who hits her or cheats on her as long as he is physically attractive above a certain point and gives her regular sex. Play a mean prank on her? Slap her? Just apologize and give her sex later and she'll forgive you.
Being nice isn't being creepy. And any woman who thinks it is has a serious, however common, issue. The issue has to do with being comfortable in the world and trusting men.
When you don't value yourself you will allow someone to hurt/abuse you.
Abuse in the Christian culture is prevalent because they program women to believe they are worthless if they aren't marrying and producing babies. They forget about God's devine purpose for you to impact the world..................get yourself married and have babies. When you define women by such primative 1800 standards you make it clear to be respected/valued in the church you need to marry and have children. Think about it....
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The bolded paragraph is 100% accurate. Even in the OP's thread title, he asks why it takes "forever" for a female to realize...because the abuse process is a long and drawn-out one, seems like "forever". It's not direct and doesn't happen overnight. If it was that quick and obvious, people wouldn't be in these relationships.
