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Yes thank you that’s all I was getting at..If you do not want to date someone something about that person or multiple things turned you off..
I don’t buy that you could be attracted to someone physically personality wise and mentally or whatever but there’s this magical spark missing you can’t explain and you wouldn’t date that person.
If attraction was there in those areas you’d at least date this person to want to find out more.
It’s like why a friend of the opposite sex wouldn’t want to date someone..the I just see you as a friend thing and it has nothing to do with you is an excuse something turned you off to them or you’d be dating.
Yes, and with a nod to Timberline, because I don't exactly disagree with him either, I just think that NOTHING is actually "supernatural" or "paranormal" it's like things are technically measurable and real, they are natural and normal, it's just that either we lack the scientific tools, or we aren't thinking about all of the underlying things.
I mean, is it really sexy to be analyzing whether you are pleased by the smell of someone's sweat, or if there is some asymmetry to their face that is bothering you, or running like mental analytics on exactly how many points of commonality you've discovered, and out of the points you do NOT have in common, how many are good (intriguing, for instance) and how many are bothersome or unfortunate? Who wants to build a spreadsheet after every first date (well, I kind of do, but I'm an accounting nerd who loves spreadsheets so...nevermind...)
No. We just take the overall "yes" or "no" that our minds give to us, and go with it. And call it "spark." There's a thing, Timberline will get it, in some instances where the only word I have for it is "energy." I'm sure that there are more technically accurate ways to describe this "energy" I get off of people in certain situations, but that would be kind of a pain and probably take a lot of the fun out of it, so I don't.
And no, attraction isn't easy to quantify at all. No one said that chemistry is ENOUGH for a relationship, especially a long term one. But one of my best relationships (I would have married her in an instant) I wouldn't have ever looked twice at her with her OLD profile. Her pics, meh, not cute to me... her interests, meh, not shared. But, we didn't meet on OLD, we met a restaurant, and the chemistry was palpable and boom, so it started.
Seriously, have you dated much? It really doesn't sound like it from what you are saying.
Um, what? Yeah, its usually single people that form couples!
You’ve seen my history on here no I haven’t dated much lol but being around women I can tell you what does or doesn’t attract me.
I’ve never met and gotten to know a women and thought I have no explanation why I’m attracted to her..Sure there have been women who haven’t usually been my exact type whether physically personality wise or in other areas that I was attracted to but I knew exactly what the other things were about them that attracted me..it wasn’t this magical thing
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Originally Posted by JBT1980
You’ve seen my history on here no I haven’t dated much lol but being around women I can tell you what does or doesn’t attract me.
I’ve never met and gotten to know a women and thought I have no explanation why I’m attracted to her..Sure there have been women who haven’t usually been my exact type whether physically personality wise or in other areas that I was attracted to but I knew exactly what the other things were about them that attracted me..it wasn’t this magical thing
I don't recall individual's experiences here much.
I got it, so, you haven't felt it, and not surprisingly, then you don't believe it. You'd also date people not having experienced it.
Believe me, once it is experienced, people don't accept it not being there.
Maybe you'll actually have it happen someday. It will probably be the first time you have a real relationship and just aren't going through the motions.
I think it's more a growing enthusiasm and excitement about a new person. And there are the mental compatibility parts, and also more physical stuff...not just looks, but like, scent. I have had the unfortunate experience of being completely on board with proceeding into intimacy with a guy, all the way until we got very close, and something about his scent and/or the first kiss, switched me off.
That, to me, is the closest it gets to actual "chemistry." Like the actual chemicals in sweat and saliva that could be detectable at some rather primitive level to inform someone that it isn't a good match, or that it is.
I just mentioned in another thread how I find my partner's natural scent utterly captivating, like even if HE thinks he needs to go take a shower, I love how he smells. I do think that there's literally a chemical element at that level, to the whole attraction thing.
I agree with pheromones..I remember a girl I liked met us after working out one time and her scent made me nauseous..not that people are supposed to smell like roses after working out but I’ve been attracted to women’s natural scent before..hers made me ill and I guess natures way of saying not too mate with her lol.
I hear you maybe there’s something to it or I’m more easier to please or desperate but if I’m attracted physically and mentally and can easily talk to that person I’m extremely attracted...I don’t think attraction is always that difficult or intangible.
It also sounds like something that could also backfire..isn’t easy to ignore red flags if you have this unexplainable attraction that draws you to a person like a drug?
^ Of course there has to be more than "just" nice. Do any of the guys here to out with nice women just because they're nice? Nothing else is necessary?
I’m not blaming you for it or saying you’re wrong I agree with doing it it’s it’s the nicer thing to do.. I’m just pointing out how the “magical” spark thing has always been overblown to me.
Most things whether physically or personality wise that draw us to or away from attraction and make us want to or not want to go out with someone are pretty quantifiable..not this magical unexplainable fairy tale spark.
It's not overblown, though, it's critical, and it's not necessarily magical or woo either. We describe it that way at times, but it's likely subconscious. We pick up on hundreds of thousands of individual pieces of information (without consciously acknowledging them) in just one conversation; even in just one look. Whether these are "accurate" in a literal way or not can sometimes be debatable, but a bunch of things do need to fall into place in order for us to feel "it."
But it's not as long a shot as it sounds, when you consider people connect every single day. A number of these "invisible elements" are probably common desires for a huge percentage of people; for example, trustworthiness, sexiness, overall health, the person seems approximately our age or seems to have some things in common with us based on what they wear, say or do, or whatever.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
I hear you maybe there’s something to it or I’m more easier to please or desperate but if I’m attracted physically and mentally and can easily talk to that person I’m extremely attracted...I don’t think attraction is always that difficult or intangible.
It also sounds like something that could also backfire..isn’t easy to ignore red flags if you have this unexplainable attraction that draws you to a person like a drug?
See, to me, being physically good looking and enjoying talking to them and having things in common is not at all enough. It's enough to have one date to determine if there is any potential, but that's it.
And yes, if a person JUST goes on chemistry it can backfire. Hello 20s! But, as you have a few dozen experiences and grow and mature, one (hopefully) learns to balance. That's why it most ways dating both gets easier, since we know what works and doesn't work for us, and harder, because we expect much much more in a romantic partner, as we get older.
You see...I used to be a genuine nice guy way back in high school. I was essentially the guy who would be courteous, friendly, do people favors, bend over backwards for people, and treat females with respect with no ulterior motives whatsoever. I dated 2 girls in my freshman and sophomore. Things went well at first until both of them cheated on me with multiple guys, who were mostly either disrespectful D-bags or wannabe gangsters. It turns out they were attracted to me but were drawn to the other guys for the "excitement" they gave them or whatever.
As much as people like to say otherwise, genuine nice guys who don't stand out in any other way than simply being a kind and courteous person do not draw females naturally, especially not girls in the 14-30 years old range on a general level. Guys like my younger self are seen as great friends for sure(in fact, the second girl who cheated on me is someone I'm good friends with today after reconnecting with her on social media) but, as far as relationship material goes, the attractive pretty boys, muscular athletes, edgy "badasses", or super rich guys usually get their pick of the litter when it comes to attractive females. If you don't fall in either category, you MUST work 5 times harder.
HOWEVER, here's what I did, starting in my junior year of high school towards the 4.5 years I've been in college, that ultimately prevented me from falling into the "Nice Guy tm" trap of blaming everyone but myself for these trends in the dating realm: I realized that being nice/courteous wasn't enough and worked hard on my own self-improvement and skills.
I didn't point fingers, hold grudges, or complain about unfair things were. Instead, I literally changed myself for the better so that I had a whole bunch of things about me that stood out besides my natural kindness towards others.
I started getting back into doing artwork. I started getting into breakdancing and salsa dancing. I got back into playing the piano, singing, and writing my own songs(currently trying to get one copyrighted right now). I started jogging and grooming myself more. In college, I went out in as many social events and parties as I could to socialize with people/girls. I also got two internships doing television production and being a radio host on campus. I did standup comedy and was successful at it. I gave speeches to recovering drug addicts in my hometown. I did acting and voice acting on campus and semi-professionally(not on TV but for local schools/businesses). I'm currently working in accounting right now and making decent money.
And guess what? I've been on more than 10 dates in college during this process, something that was totally unthinkable in my high school years. It got to the point where certain girls would even stalk me on campus and I had to "friendzone" those who did.
Dating, like life, is never fair but there's so much you can do to improve your chances of dating. I obviously had to work twice as hard as the super attractive or super rich guy to date attractive females but it ended up working out great in the long-run. In fact, some of the football players in my college who were total studs considered me a "lady's man."
Of course, self-improvement doesn't mean you're automatically going to get an instant boost in success like me but nice guys have to realize that there needs to be more qualities about them to attract females rather than being a nice-acting pushover like I once was. Try to utilize your skills, hobbies, views, and interests, groom yourselves more, socialize more, etc. and you're chances of girls falling for you romantically will increase tremendously. Instead of being known as the "nice guy", you'll be known as something else besides that and that's always a good thing.
OMG, this post should be a sticky on this forum! After reading the beginning, I was about to post that you're wrong; plenty of women go for genuinely nice guys. But reading the rest, I realize you're spot on! There does (for some women, not all) need to be something else there, to capture interest: some kind of flair (this is why so many say a sense of humor is important), a bit of creativity in some arena, plus the confidence you gained from pushing yourself into acting and public speaking. WAY TO GO! Congratulations!
And actually, the shy women on campus could learn something from this, too. This is good advice for anyone, male or female. THANKS FOR POSTING, and for reviving an old thread!
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