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Stick with me. This will be long, but I need help. Thank you. :-) I've been married for 19 years. Let's call him "Tim." Right away, I cut off some friends, mostly guy friends that had been ONLY friends for a looong time because Tim was displeased with the friendship. I let this happen. I didn't balk. I didn't hold my ground and say, "No! These are MY FRIENDS. I will keep in contact with them!"
Fast forward to my current situation... I am living at my mom's house. I left "because I needed time away" from him. We have three beautiful children (8,11, and 14.) They are at the house with him, but I've been taking them for hours daily and telling them that I love them regardless of what's going on. They are struggling, and it kills me, but we're making do.
Six months ago I cheated on Tim. When I told this other man about my current situation, he tried to teach me to stand up for myself. "He won't 'let' you go out with your girlfriend? Just tell him you're going to go see her for awhile. There's nothing wrong with visiting her." But I wouldn't stand up to Tim. If he didn't want me to go (and he would say so with his behavior, not words,) I wouldn't want to rock the boat. "Love this day!" My lover would say. He was so positive and encouraging. I was drawn to his teaching. Undoubtably, my affair (getting caught) did not help my situation with Tim.
Tim is a GREAT guy!!! People like him. He's 40 and handsome and funny and sexy and a wonderful father and a loving, doting husband. Emphasis on doting. After the affair, his non-verbal controlling escalated to new highs. I was NEVER left alone! We took the kids to school together and picked them up together. If we needed to go to the next town, we BOTH went. BTW, we own a business and work together all day long. I would only be left alone if the children were home, too. I went to zumba twice a week (one hour each time.) It was in a church with Christian music and all women... He didn't like me doing that, but I DID stand my ground and go. Again, he didn't say "don't go to zumba," but I could tell. And since then, he HAS told my sister he didn't like me going, so I wasn't just projecting this on him. He hated my phone. He hated facebook. He didn't like me texting my girlfriends. Again, he didn't have to say that. I just knew. He told my sister later that he hated facebook. She said (and she's a minister's wife,) "I don't see anything wrong with facebook. I check mine a couple of times a day. I enjoy it. It's not bad. My husband never checks up on me with it." Of course, she wasn't a cheater.
See, Tim had subtle controlling ways from the get-go. My affair just made it worse. He wanted to show me, to PROVE his love for me. He drew my bath water, which was sweet, but then he knelt beside the bath to splash my back. I didn't have the guts to say, "Can you go? I haven't been alone all week. I need me-time." I didn't want to hurt his feelings or displease him. We had a towel hook two inches from the shower door, yet every time I turned off the water, he was there with my towel and a kiss. Sounds romantic, huh? If he was in the kitchen and heard the water turn off, he'd run like hell to get there to give me my towel. He wrote me two post-it notes a day. He told me I was beautiful or pretty five times a day (or so.) He made my coffee. He poured my coffee. He kept my water glass full. He started doing the laundry, dishes, packing kids' lunches, buying the groceries...etc. I started to feel inept because those were my jobs for so long and sometimes I would start them only to have him finish them, and of course he did a better job than me. :-)
I'd like to mention, too that during the time of the affair I left for a week. I came back not because I wanted to, but because of the children and to give our marriage one last try. I'm not of the belief that you just walk away. For the last six months I have tried diligently to be a good wife; to make it work. We are Christians, but he had a big Come to Jesus Meeting (which is fine) and, in my opinion, went kind of overboard on lifestyle changes. I had been drinking too much, so I quit. So no one drank anything ever. Not even one glass of wine at Christmas with family. It was an unmentioned fact that we prayed together in the mornings, then did our devotions. We prayed before all meals. We only listened to the Christian music station. We did devotions with the kids every night, no exceptions. We then did a devotion together before we prayed and went to bed. We had been out of church for awhile and we started going to a new church, never missing a Sunday. We went to a whole-weekend Christian marriage seminar. At the end, they asked everyone to re-new their vows. There was no way to say "I need to consider this first." Everyone just did it. Those are all good things, but maybe I like 80's music sometimes (he was afraid it would remind me of a past boyfriend.) Maybe some mornings I just wanna drink coffee and watch Good Morning America and not pray and do devotions. But again, I didn't say that to him. I feel like, during this hard time, my view of God has become skewed because it is "HIS" view. His God. I no longer had my own choices and relationship with God. I did what was silently expected so as not to rock the boat. I have been walking on egg shells for many, many, many years. BTW, with anyone else in the whole world, I am VERY outspoken. I speak my mind, but graciously, not in a hurtful way.
With him I have no fortitude. I feel roped-in by him. Manipulated. But at the same time I know my part in not speaking my mind. So now, he feels like I dropped a bomb on him. He says he will do ANYTHING to get me back. He will go to personal Christian counseling. He will go to Christian marriage counseling. He is asking me to go to Christian counseling, and says that if after that I still don't want to be with him he will "release me." I haven't given him many answers, an explanation, on why I left. I feel like saying, "If I have to explain it to you, you won't ever understand." He knows. Again, he says he's willing to change, but right now going back seems dangerous. I'm afraid to even talk to him for fear of getting manipulated into returning.
BTW, off-subject, we continued to have sexual relations this whole time. I am attracted to him and he to me. That was the one time I didn't feel like I wanted to be somewhere else. He has anxiety. He told me that he couldn't relax until I was right beside him or right on his lap. Then, he would be calm and/or fall asleep. I was his security blanket. He constantly told me I was soothing to him often. It made me uncomfortable.
Most of my family and friends would never understand why I would leave him, as he is so devoted and loving and funny and easy-going with them. But they don't see behind the closed doors and the pressure that is on me, whether it be self-induced pressure or real. My family and friends have been increasingly cut-off. I used to do things with my mom and sister and a little with my girlfriends. We had the privacy for long, personal phone conversations. I didn't worry as much that he would judge my friends. Now, he doesn't like anyone that's not blatantly Christian. He says, "Jennifer is messed up... Kim needs to get her **** together... Debbie gives worldly advice, not Godly advice." Maybe that's true, but they're MY friends. Maybe they need MY help. His control over getting together with others was always with the reason that "we just need to be with our little family." He was good at playing games with the kids and taking us out to supper or to the movies, etc. He wasn't boring. But it was always just us. I'm a social bird. He has always been anti-social. He admitted that he mis-trusted people and didn't want to "let anyone in." It was a relationship he felt he had to maintain in our busy lives. He bashed my family, and now that he and I are separated, he is calling on my family!
He has told me a three or four times that I need a mental check-up: That I am mentally impaired. Hello?! I started to question my sanity. I have asked numerous friends and family if they think I'm okay mentally and they all say, "Yes! You're fine!"
I Googled "subtle controlling husband" and what I saw surprised me. I thought I was the only one going through this. Some of the terms I saw that felt familiar to me were: "Isolates me, subtle manipulation, tells me I'm crazy, "convinces" me to come back, hates my friends, afraid of him, analyzation, walking on eggshells..." Now that we're apart, he's Mister Sociable. Huh!
I feel like I can never explain this to him. I don't even want to try. Our family and friends (especially HIS family) would never believe this has been going on. I have stupidly been silent. I don't think he had bad intentions. He loves me, this I know. I just feel that it's too late. I don't WANT to go back. I want out. But see, I'm not strong enough to take the heat from everyone. They want me to "do the right thing" and be there for my family, my children. We don't believe in divorce. This is how dire it became to me: I would wake up in the morning and not want to go on. I would rather be dead than in prison, and that's not like me. A couple of friends have asked if I'm depressed. No. I'm not. I have had depression in the past. I took an anti-depressant for eight months once and it helped. But truly, I don't feel depressed now. Maybe at the situation, or the inability to "get out." Living here at my mom's, I don't miss him. I miss my children, but I know they are well-cared for when I'm not there. Everyone tells me that he is in agony without me. He has lost tons of weight. But you know what? I feel guilty for my freedom. I feel ecstatic to not be accountable. I'm responsible for my own reactions, not his, right?? At what point do I choose my own happiness over "doing what I SHOULD"?
Two days before I left, I tried to tell him I was moving to my mom's for awhile. He said, "No. You're NOT moving to your mom's. We are married. You don't run, you work it out." I could not "work it out" in his presence. I have no control over my own thoughts and feelings when I'm with him. That's probably my own fault. I've been too weak for too long. He wrote me a poem about being a butterfly that he's kept in a jar and he wants to let me out now. He wrote me a long letter stating his wrongs, apologizing and saying he'll go to counseling to fix it. Am I wrong for not wanting to try? For just wanting to stay out while I'm out? I'm afraid that six months from now I'll just do this all over again. Even if he changes, will I always perceive him to be controlling and manipulative?
I'm afraid of him emotionally. Our relationship feels sickening to me. Maybe it's me projecting? Being at my mom's, I feel like an abuse victim that finally got out of the situation. Is that fair? Maybe I am making too much of it. He really is a GOOD GUY. I know he has my best interest at heart. His ways of showing that are just misguided. Here's the fact: I don't want this marriage. I don't want to go back.
Your thoughts, please? I could say more, believe it or not. :-) Thank you for your time. - "Loved to death." (Out of time to proof-read.)
The heck I wouldn't. But your points are well taken. I guess what I'm keying on, however, is the use of the word 'subtle' to describe his controlling. Where do we draw the line between controlling husband and doting one? She can't really put her finger on anything, but claims to be emotionally afraid of him. Then she says he's a good person. Come again? Has he done something or not? I just can't figure it out, and I'm pretty good at reading between the lines.
As I said before, we know a couple like the OP. While smothering with affection is not bad in itself, it is bad when ulterior motives are involved. The key point was limiting contacts with friends and family. For instance, in our friend's situation, he would show up on a girls night out (found out from my wife as I didn't show up). Any time she wanted to do something away from him, he'd so something such as offering a trip for the two of them. There were always little bribes or showing up unannounced with gifts so he could get her to do what he wanted or so he could participate in hers, even at her work. Those who only noticed it occasionally just thought he was loving and caring. Those who saw it happening every time saw the manipulation. It was very subtle isolation from contact with others while he wasn't around.
The OP's story sounded very similar, so I can understand what she's going through. It's very subtle, making it hard to notice. In fact, I didn't originally see it until my wife pointed it out (didn't have as much contact as my wife). After that, the manipulation became obvious.
As I said before, we know a couple like the OP. While smothering with affection is not bad in itself, it is bad when ulterior motives are involved. The key point was limiting contacts with friends and family. For instance, in our friend's situation, he would show up on a girls night out (found out from my wife as I didn't show up). Any time she wanted to do something away from him, he'd so something such as offering a trip for the two of them. There were always little bribes or showing up unannounced with gifts so he could get her to do what he wanted or so he could participate in hers, even at her work. Those who only noticed it occasionally just thought he was loving and caring. Those who saw it happening every time saw the manipulation. It was very subtle isolation from contact with others while he wasn't around.
The OP's story sounded very similar, so I can understand what she's going through. It's very subtle, making it hard to notice. In fact, I didn't originally see it until my wife pointed it out (didn't have as much contact as my wife). After that, the manipulation became obvious.
Then fine. Do something about it. A large part of the problem is that the OP allowed this to develop.
Op reminds me of my aunt whom I love with all my heart by the way.
She cheated on her husband of 30 years and the only reason she can come up with is "He controls me and I can't take it anymore."
Her husband is the classic nice guy. He certainly is no George Clooney in the look department, but he is a hardworking, all American good father and husband. My aunt went through major midlife crisis and identity crisis and very soon hooked up with her old college fling.
When her husband found out the affair, she went ahead telling everybody he has been controlling. (check out if she has full tank of gas in her car, make sure she brought lunch box to work, according to her, he did not trust her..)
well, end result, my aunt's new love interests found another lonely middle aged woman who went through midlife crisis and dumped her, her husband found a lovely middle aged lady (they are still happily married)
My aunt still runs around telling everybody "It was ME who does not want my old marriage. My husband is controlling in every single way. I decided not to be in an abusive relationship no more."
She got a lot of supporters who are willing to listen to her side of the story.
I would be careful of judging a relationship without knowing the whole story. You obviously really liked her uncle and felt that he was wronged.
I had a boyfriend that I dumped and when my family asked why, I just said, "It wasn't working out. We were incompatible."
One of my sisters was apparently offended by this and felt that I was wrong to leave him. I never told her that I found him pleasuring himself while he was looking at a pic of her in a bikini . I didn't tell her any of the other issues we had.
Sometimes you don't know because you don't need to know.
Then fine. Do something about it. A large part of the problem is that the OP allowed this to develop.
Yes, I agree she let it happen just as our friend did. I think the benefits sucked her in and it became hard to dig herself out once the cost became too great. The sooner she gets out will limit damage to her kids. In most cases, it's just as damaging to stay in a marriage just for the kids sake.
And you are now desperately seeking encouraging words and condonement for your infidelity.
You even went so far as to Google some possible psyhco-analytical excuses for your promiscuity and abandonment of your family.
Women like you sicken me. I'd have more respect for you if you at least had the fortitude to admit that you are a weak-willed person and gave into lust.
But now you try to blame the whole thing on Tim. In a passive-aggressive sort of way.
Oh, don't fret, you'll get your virtual pats on the back and "It's OK, honey" from plenty of women who frequent this forum and are just like you.
The knee-jerk libbers and closet man-haters and bored housewives will eat your pop-psychology self-centered excuses up like a bowl of ice cream.
But you'll get none of that from me. Merely contempt.
Not that you'll care. See? I paint you as an expert at self-justification, and am sure that even before you finish reading this post you'll have labled me to be a male chauvinist jerk and therefore insensitive to your needs.
If the OP's husband is willing to go into counseling to cure his smothering behavior, why wouldn't the OP give him the chance?
Because it likely won't work. In most situations, he'll go for her to fix her problems. He has to realize he has a problem and want to go to counseling to work on it before counseling will do any good.
She got a lot of supporters who are willing to listen to her side of the story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
There always are. I'm sure by the time your aunt has finished describing your uncle right down to his cloven hooves, he's evil insensate. That's the way it works.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
exactly.
There's just one problem with this castigation of the aunt: Neither of you were in the marriage.
Lily, you may think your uncle is a great guy, but you don't know what went on behind closed doors. As I said to the OP, cheating is a symptom of problems in the marriage, and problems in the marriage are pretty much always both partners' faults. The actual cheating is your aunt's decision and the responsibility for doing that falls on her shoulders. But unless she's some kind of sex addict, something was amiss in that marriage long before she went outside of it. It takes two to wreck a marriage to the point where one starts thinking of going elsewhere.
Yes, I agree she let it happen just as our friend did. I think the benefits sucked her in and it became hard to dig herself out once the cost became too great. The sooner she gets out will limit damage to her kids. In most cases, it's just as damaging to stay in a marriage just for the kids sake.
Yea those deceptive benefits and doting attention and showering of gifts are hiding a bear trap. I've fallen for it, and now I'm about to step away from this current "trap" before it closes in on me.
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. I didn't tell her any of the other issues we had. 
