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I am going to do my best to explain the situation and it not turn in to a book.
I am a female and I have been with my wife for 15 years and legally married for 4. I have children from a previous relationship and I am now honored to be a grandmother. My wife and myself were raised and two completely different households. And according to her she likes to say that she was raised with morals. Are past together has seen much turmoil, and a portion of it was living on the streets together. When I meet her she was not responsible and was considered someone who would probably die on the streets.
We have been fortunate enough to change our lives for the best and we have lived in our own home for the past 8 years. She is four years younger then me. the problem:
as I said I have children, and in her eyes since I married her she should come first.
if I do anything for my children it creates a big huge fight between us
even though my children are adults she wants me all to herself, and would prefer them to not be around at all.
she made a comment in front of friends that she got screwed out of Christmas presents because of the baby
she tells me that I should agree with her on everything even though I dont agree with it.
that no one else is going to put up with me
she tells me that I am not a good mother, that I am not teaching my children to be responsible adults. Forgetting that she did not get a life till she was almost 30. \
she trys to dictate what I do with my money and is free to do what she wants with hers.
she gets angry if I dont stop doing my school work, or if she feels like I am not giving her enough attention.
The reason why I am asking is because I wonder if it is me, the way I think is not correct and she has been right all along. My children are 19 and 23 my daughter just moved back home (an arrangement that was made between her and my wife) with daughter. I can say that I am the most responsbile one. Due to a lot of medical issues she is unable to work.
I dont feel like I should have to be the type of mother that she thinks I should. That I should be allowed to do things for my children without it causing world war three. I love my children and why I was running the streets with her they did not have me. And someone things I do out of guilt but somethings are just because I want to. I asked her why is any different that I do things for her than me doing things for them, and she said because I married her. So I dont know if marrying her ment I am no longer allowed to be a mother or what. She talks about me and my kids, and she always makes comments referring her to being better than us and I dont understand it.
I know the question is why have I stayed, the answer is I know I love her but I dont know if that is enough anymore. I dont know if we need counseling or if it would help. I think I need it just for myself but unfortunately it is to expensive. I feel like I have made many mistakes in life but I have tried my hardest to put them behind me and be a better person. I love being a mother and I love being a grandmother (another grandchild on the way). I feel like who would I be if I turned my back on my kids when many people did not turn their backs on me. I refuse to turn my back on my children. Sure they need to get their heads out of their butt sometimes.
I am just lost right now, and feel like I should be ashamed of who I am because I keep being told everything I say or do is wrong
I think you are mostly correct in your views, and she is needy. I think she still has some unresolved issues that may benefit from therapy, perhaps on her own and for you both to deal with these things in a controlled environment. Your children should still matter even though they are adults, and she should not expect you to have almost nothing to do with them - it seems like a major insecurity and perhaps a control issue, especially as you say she wants you to agree with her on everything. That's delusional and unrealistic at best, controlling at worst.
as I said I have children, and in her eyes since I married her she should come first.
if I do anything for my children it creates a big huge fight between us
even though my children are adults she wants me all to herself, and would prefer them to not be around at all.
she made a comment in front of friends that she got screwed out of Christmas presents because of the baby
she tells me that I should agree with her on everything even though I dont agree with it.
that no one else is going to put up with me
she tells me that I am not a good mother, that I am not teaching my children to be responsible adults. Forgetting that she did not get a life till she was almost 30. \
she trys to dictate what I do with my money and is free to do what she wants with hers.
she gets angry if I dont stop doing my school work, or if she feels like I am not giving her enough attention.
{snip for length}
I am just lost right now, and feel like I should be ashamed of who I am because I keep being told everything I say or do is wrong
KS
It sounds like she is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive, especially the parts I put in boldface type. Counseling might help, but honestly? I think you could probably benefit from it more than she can. It could help you recognize the signs of emotional abuse and help you find your voice so that you can stand up for yourself and, if it doesn't stop, leave. Although a lot of these presuppose a heterosexual relationship with the man as the abuser, please understand that women can be abusers, too.
Sounds like you are dealing with someone who is selfish, and trying to isolate you from everyone and everything so she gets ALL of your attention.
Also sounds like she is trying to control you. A LOT.
Honestly, this sounds unhealthy for you.
You and your wife have a lot to work out.
as I said I have children, and in her eyes since I married her she should come first
To hell with her. For you, there isn't a single thing on this planet more important then your children. She sounds really really really insecure and co-dependent. I'd try and encourage her to see a therapist.
KS...don't be ashamed for loving your children and your grandchildren, her telling you that "no-one else will put up with you" is clearly a sign of manipulation and control. Your partner obviously has problems with her self worth, and is competing with your children for your attention....ask her why she doesn't trust you? Ask her why she sees your children as a threat to her security?.Ask her why she doesn't think you can love your children and grandchildren, and still have lots for her..I think she is jealous and envious of you having family...do your kids accept her and you being together? Is she included in your life with them?..good luck KS, hope everything works out OK for you.
KS...don't be ashamed for loving your children and your grandchildren, her telling you that "no-one else will put up with you" is clearly a sign of manipulation and control. Your partner obviously has problems with her self worth, and is competing with your children for your attention....ask her why she doesn't trust you? Ask her why she sees your children as a threat to her security?.Ask her why she doesn't think you can love your children and grandchildren, and still have lots for her..I think she is jealous and envious of you having family...do your kids accept her and you being together? Is she included in your life with them?..good luck KS, hope everything works out OK for you.
Agreed!
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