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Old 01-26-2013, 12:46 PM
FBJ
 
Location: Tall Building down by the river
39,605 posts, read 59,016,245 times
Reputation: 9451

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JetJockey View Post
Considering it started online, she probably found someone else that she feels is a better match and wanted to let you down easy.

Thus is online dating...there's always someone better out there.

Damm you just made online dating very depressing. Why should anyone be motivated to do online dating now? lol
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:55 PM
FBJ
 
Location: Tall Building down by the river
39,605 posts, read 59,016,245 times
Reputation: 9451
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
Could be genuine, could be that she met someone else she likes more, could be anything.

But I will say this: Maybe it's because I'm a bit older (mid 40s) and didn't grow up with cell phones, but I wouldn't like a whole bunch of texting with someone I only went out with once. We go on a date, great. We have a good time and want to do it again, great. Call to set up the next date, great. In between, one email or one text, okay. But I would not want to text back-and-forth over several days, nor do the "how was your day" thing. It would be just too much content-free speech and too many interruptions to my day for no real reason but to have contact, and it would stress me out, too. Like it or not, but a text, like a call, is a request for attention, and a barrage of requests for attention would make me feel both suffocated and irritated.

I wouldn't do that with a boyfriend, either, come to think of it, even if I had a cell phone--which I don't, and meaningless chit-chat from friends and family is one reason why. If you want to share something, send an email. If you want to make plans, call. But don't make my phone buzz all day long over inconsequential stuff.

You know I just wrote this down on a piece of paper and will keep your post in mind for February

"A text is a request for attention"
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:56 PM
FBJ
 
Location: Tall Building down by the river
39,605 posts, read 59,016,245 times
Reputation: 9451
Quote:
Originally Posted by GKelly View Post
Wow I just did the exact same thing. Went on a date, it was cool, guy texted me later to hang out, and I realize I'm just not feeling it. Don't feel ready to date and/or just not that into him.. Maybe someone else I might be more interested in, but I'd rather be alone than be with someone I'm not that into.

I hope he didn't pay for the date
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:09 PM
FBJ
 
Location: Tall Building down by the river
39,605 posts, read 59,016,245 times
Reputation: 9451
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post
15.00 date??

you take her for a walk? and the ice cream truck came by?


That's the total of a 1st date in July since it's warm out
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Seattle
620 posts, read 1,300,414 times
Reputation: 805
I'm going to take this from a different angle.


I'm single and in my early thirties. I also have anxiety disorder with agoraphobia and a history of sexual trauma. That gal could have been me when interacting with a guy that I do like a lot.

When I am around friends, especially guy friends that I am comfortable with, I can engage easily. But when I enter into an unknown social venue with an unknown or barely known individual, my anxiety can be triggered. I can spend ten to fifteen minutes telling myself - in my head - to relax and get into the date, and then I'll eventually relax and enjoy myself.

Over the last two to three years, I have learned to hug. People love to hug but I didn't do it because I did not like the intimacy of the act. I had a guy friend attempt to hug me and my immediate reaction was to shove him away. He felt bad about it and teased me long after the fact, but it was due to my own history and had nothing to do with him. Now, I can handle hugging but I may be put off by some guy coming in for a kiss unexpectedly.

The reason I am putting this out there because when she said that she feels anxious communicating with you and she shouldn't feel that way, it made me wonder if she has social anxiety of some kind. It doesn't make us crazy - as some people have said in this thread - but it does mean the pace of dating is slower and reaching levels of intimacy can be a struggle.

From my perspective, I would welcome a text from a guy who allowed me to set the pace. Perhaps a message that acknowledges that I need a bit of space but that they remain open to developing things at a pace comfortable for both of us. Maybe pitch one more text and say, 'hey, if you ever want to catch a movie or see a concert, give me a call' and leave it at that.
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:22 PM
 
607 posts, read 855,991 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Siobhan View Post
I'm going to take this from a different angle.


I'm single and in my early thirties. I also have anxiety disorder with agoraphobia and a history of sexual trauma. That gal could have been me when interacting with a guy that I do like a lot.

When I am around friends, especially guy friends that I am comfortable with, I can engage easily. But when I enter into an unknown social venue with an unknown or barely known individual, my anxiety can be triggered. I can spend ten to fifteen minutes telling myself - in my head - to relax and get into the date, and then I'll eventually relax and enjoy myself.

Over the last two to three years, I have learned to hug. People love to hug but I didn't do it because I did not like the intimacy of the act. I had a guy friend attempt to hug me and my immediate reaction was to shove him away. He felt bad about it and teased me long after the fact, but it was due to my own history and had nothing to do with him. Now, I can handle hugging but I may be put off by some guy coming in for a kiss unexpectedly.

The reason I am putting this out there because when she said that she feels anxious communicating with you and she shouldn't feel that way, it made me wonder if she has social anxiety of some kind. It doesn't make us crazy - as some people have said in this thread - but it does mean the pace of dating is slower and reaching levels of intimacy can be a struggle.

From my perspective, I would welcome a text from a guy who allowed me to set the pace. Perhaps a message that acknowledges that I need a bit of space but that they remain open to developing things at a pace comfortable for both of us. Maybe pitch one more text and say, 'hey, if you ever want to catch a movie or see a concert, give me a call' and leave it at that.
That's really interesting, because during the date, she told me she gets really nervous if she is around a lot of people, especially if she doesn't know them; she prefers smaller groups, as small as 1 or 2 other people.
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Seattle
620 posts, read 1,300,414 times
Reputation: 805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Badger55 View Post
That's really interesting, because during the date, she told me she gets really nervous if she is around a lot of people, especially if she doesn't know them; she prefers smaller groups, as small as 1 or 2 other people.
Aha.


Is she into arcade games or mini-golf by chance?
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:25 PM
 
607 posts, read 855,991 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Siobhan View Post
Aha.


Is she into arcade games or mini-golf by chance?

im not sure, why?
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Seattle
620 posts, read 1,300,414 times
Reputation: 805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Badger55 View Post
im not sure, why?
Next date, do something active, engaging, and fun because it will allow for the body to release some of the "fight or flight" tendencies. Maybe bowling or going to a pool hall, so that you around other people, but there is also some room for you to engage on a one/one basis.

As someone with anxiety disorder, sitting at a table with a near-stranger and trying to control my instinctual need to run while also trying to be engaging and witty is really stressful. I relax more quickly when I am required to do something.

Out of curiosity - did she have any quirks? When I am trying to control my anxiety, I have a tendency to stare at my nails or clench/un-clench my fists.
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:35 PM
 
607 posts, read 855,991 times
Reputation: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Siobhan View Post
Next date, do something active, engaging, and fun because it will allow for the body to release some of the "fight or flight" tendencies. Maybe bowling or going to a pool hall, so that you around other people, but there is also some room for you to engage on a one/one basis.

As someone with anxiety disorder, sitting at a table with a near-stranger and trying to control my instinctual need to run while also trying to be engaging and witty is really stressful. I relax more quickly when I am required to do something.

Out of curiosity - did she have any quirks? When I am trying to control my anxiety, I have a tendency to stare at my nails or clench/un-clench my fists.
Hmm, that makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, we aren't going on another date, but we might hang out again as friends. (my idea, she said, "id love to!"). ill suggest bowling.
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