Stuck in the middle (movies, boyfriends, girlfriend, how to)
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I got a phone call earlier today from a friend of mine.
She was clearly upset and looking to vent. She had a big fight with her boyfriend, who is also another friend of mine. The story goes like this:
She was in her boyfriends car and decided to look through his things while he went inside a store to grab something. Obviously, she was snooping. She found texts from a girl named Shannon. She went to high school with all of us. I was always a little bit miffed by Shannon because she used to have a crush on my friend, Alex, and despite getting a girlfriend -- who was my other friend -- it did not deter Shannon's advances. I guess at some point, Alex had a talk with Shannon. Now, my friend, Amanda, is not the jealous type at all. She's very sweet and confident in her relationship with Alex. She was not threatened by Shannon, despite her lack of respect for her relationship. She knew Alex was friends with Shannon before he dated Amanda, so she did not ask him to stop speaking to her. I let it go, because it was none of my business and I didn't think anything was going on there. It was very one-sided from my perspective.
Fastforward to three years later, they're still happily in a relationship. From an outsider looking in, they're probably one of the happiest and most loving couples I've seen. You wouldn't think anything was wrong there. They've been together since tenth grade and have made it all the way to college. It's rare to see a couple so committed to each other at such a young age. I truly think they love one another.
But it turns out, when my friend went snooping through his texts, she found messages from the day of her birthday. Her birthday was a few months back. He was unable to spend the day with her because he had work and she understood. We all hung out and I think they did their own little thing. However, turns out he spent the day sexting a girl named Shannon. Shannon from high school. Amanda is clearly upset and very heartbroken. She is an extremely trusting person -- to the point where you have to question whether it's genuine naivety. Anyways, she's unsure about how to handle it.
A) It happened a while ago. She recalls getting into an argument with him, although she can't really remember what is was about. Either way, she doesn't feel it was justified.
B) He stopped contacting her shortly afterwards. To her knowledge, there are no texts or phone calls beyond that date. We both figured he felt guilty afterwards and cut contact.
C) She sent Shannon a pretty nasty text message. Which is surprising but slightly amusing. However, to me, she is simply dumping the blame on Shannon when it's 50/50.
As much as I care about Amanda, I don't want to get caught up in the drama. At the end of the day, despite knowing he is wrong for what he did, Alex is my friend, too. Amanda asked me not to say anything to him, so I'm not going to. I'm not prepared to give her advice. If it was anyone else, I simply would've told her to dump the bastard. I have no tolerance for betrayals, but I obviously can't do that in good conscience. I'm not going to tell her to pretend like nothing happened either.
I can tell she's pretty frazzled by all of it. She has no idea how to move forward. Probably because they've had a relatively healthy relationship. Void of betrayals and infidelity. Up until now.
So I'm kind of at odds on whether I should help her or remove myself entirely from the situation.
She needs to have a candid conversation with him about what he wants and what her expectations are moving forward. So, if the day comes and you decide to offer some advice, I would start with that. Ultimately it's her choice and all you can do is offer that bit of neutral advice given you are friends with both of them.
Do the girl thing. You offer none of your own opinions unless asked directly by your friend and, in that case, you make no derogatory remarks towards him in case they get back together and consistently remind her that only she can really make this decision. For all the mean, horrible things she calls him and says about him, you make non-committal "hmmhmm" noises and nod your head.
And you get her a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, Steel Magnolias, Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, and whatever "girl power" movie you can think of and just chillax with her.
Do the girl thing. You offer none of your own opinions unless asked directly by your friend and, in that case, you make no derogatory remarks towards him in case they get back together and consistently remind her that only she can really make this decision. For all the mean, horrible things she calls him and says about him, you make non-committal "hmmhmm" noises and nod your head.
And you get her a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, Steel Magnolias, Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, and whatever "girl power" movie you can think of and just chillax with her.
No more, no less.
LOL @ girl power movies......
I agree especially the part about not saying disparaging things, cause when she gets over being mad at him and when things are all lovey dovey between them, she'll remember the negative comments that were made.
Do the girl thing. You offer none of your own opinions unless asked directly by your friend and, in that case, you make no derogatory remarks towards him in case they get back together and consistently remind her that only she can really make this decision. For all the mean, horrible things she calls him and says about him, you make non-committal "hmmhmm" noises and nod your head.
And you get her a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, Steel Magnolias, Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, and whatever "girl power" movie you can think of and just chillax with her.
No more, no less.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
LOL @ girl power movies......
I agree especially the part about not saying disparaging things, cause when she gets over being mad at him and when things are all lovey dovey between them, she'll remember the negative comments that were made.
Lol we taking one of those chocolate shots earlier. Tequila is brutal.
I think she's looking for someone to tell her what to do. She doesn't know how to deal with it. I don't want to say something like, "you're both my friends" because I think she will take it the wrong way and believe I'm choosing his side. More so, because she is so angry and emotional, anything will set her off. She's looking to blame someone, I don't want to get stuck in the cross-hairs.
I haven't said anything about him. I haven't offered advice. She's venting, but I think she'll ask me whether she should approach him about it or not. I'm worried that she'll bottle this up and explode. At which point he'll find out I knew the whole time and be upset with me.
problem #1: She felt the need to snoop.
problem #2: he ditched her on her birthday to sext another chick
problem #3: I doubt this is the first time something has gone on with someone else. she's probaby wondering too
She should definitely confront him and see what he says. If its anything less than taking 100% responsibility, honesty, and concrete reasons he will not do it again (understands why he did it, how he will avoid temptations in the future, etc) THAT will determine if there's anything to salvage here. You as an outsider think they seem perfect and loving but obviously they are not or this wouldn't have happened.
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