"I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor!" (girlfriend, how to, marriage)
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I'm sure this quote has been around for years, but only today did I discover it. I like it. It really stuck with me considering some of the things I've lived with in the past.
These days I don't sit around and dwell on it, but we recently had a discussion on females who become abusers. In this thread I shared a few memories about an abusive girlfriend I once dated from ages 20-24. Things weren't all bad with her, but problems slowly simmered and eventually reached a boil. It's not even like I woke up one morning and had an epiphany. I wanted to believe that things were all just fine. As an outsider looking in on others' relationships at the time, I could spot an abusive relationship. I just wouldn't acknowledge that my own relationship was abusive. But deep down inside, I knew it was. I suppose it was a comfort based decision to stay in this relationship. Sure it was a bad situation, but taking a stand and moving on takes work, and I was too lazy to take that first step. So while I didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated me, I certainly didn't do myself any favors either.
I'm not going to recount all the details again, as I have recently shared some of them. But I will repeat that I never considered myself a victim. At that time I wanted to believe that I was still in control. I wanted to believe that men do not let themselves get trapped in relationships with abusive women. Suffice to say, I was too embarrassed to share my problem with anyone else. But I did know that I was not in a healthy relationship, and knew that perhaps I should hit the dusty trail. Still I didn't.
So I can't call myself a victim, because I stayed in a bad situation. Over the years I often wondered how to describe myself during that time. "Willing participant?" "Glutton for punishment?" "Door mat?" Probably all of those apply. But once we broke it off, it was a clean brake for me. I certainly have made mistakes since then, but I never again let myself get into a relationship that was abusive.
And today I found that quote and have finally found the word to describe myself from that time in my life. I'm a survivor. I hope that we have other survivors here too. I hope if there are any here who are in abusive relationships that they are survivors waiting to happen. To those who fit this description, I hope you'll find the members on this forum to be a source of support and encouragement.
Being a victim sucks. But as I learned, being a victim can sometimes be a choice. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.
I'm sure this quote has been around for years, but only today did I discover it. I like it. It really stuck with me considering some of the things I've lived with in the past.
These days I don't sit around and dwell on it, but we recently had a discussion on females who become abusers. In this thread I shared a few memories about an abusive girlfriend I once dated from ages 20-24. Things weren't all bad with her, but problems slowly simmered and eventually reached a boil. It's not even like I woke up one morning and had an epiphany. I wanted to believe that things were all just fine. As an outsider looking in on others' relationships at the time, I could spot an abusive relationship. I just wouldn't acknowledge that my own relationship was abusive. But deep down inside, I knew it was. I suppose it was a comfort based decision to stay in this relationship. Sure it was a bad situation, but taking a stand and moving on takes work, and I was too lazy to take that first step. So while I didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated me, I certainly didn't do myself any favors either.
I'm not going to recount all the details again, as I have recently shared some of them. But I will repeat that I never considered myself a victim. At that time I wanted to believe that I was still in control. I wanted to believe that men do not let themselves get trapped in relationships with abusive women. Suffice to say, I was too embarrassed to share my problem with anyone else. But I did know that I was not in a healthy relationship, and knew that perhaps I should hit the dusty trail. Still I didn't.
So I can't call myself a victim, because I stayed in a bad situation. Over the years I often wondered how to describe myself during that time. "Willing participant?" "Glutton for punishment?" "Door mat?" Probably all of those apply. But once we broke it off, it was a clean brake for me. I certainly have made mistakes since then, but I never again let myself get into a relationship that was abusive.
And today I found that quote and have finally found the word to describe myself from that time in my life. I'm a survivor. I hope that we have other survivors here too. I hope if there are any here who are in abusive relationships that they are survivors waiting to happen. To those who fit this description, I hope you'll find the members on this forum to be a source of support and encouragement.
Being a victim sucks. But as I learned, being a victim can sometimes be a choice. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.
In some ways, I can relate. My ex was mainly an emotional abuser, but she did try to get physical a couple of times. I simply restrained her and made her calm down and nothing really happened. But the emotional abuse was never ending. And it's easy to see why I married someone like that. I had a mother that was both physically and emotionally abusive.
But to a large extent I think it's more a matter of being a frog in a pot of water. If you turn the heat up slowly enough, the frog doesn't sense the temperature change and he just sits there until he's cooked. That's pretty much what happened to me. I was busy building a career, buying property, making a home for us, all while the rules kept changing. And the more time that goes by, the deeper you get in. It becomes more and more difficult to unwind your life. So you wait. You try to find solutions. You talk. You do what you can to save your marriage. And slowly but surely, you get cooked.
Victim? Nah. Surivor. Yes. In fact I not only survived, I changed the rules of the game.
And it's easy to see why I married someone like that.
I'm very thankful that it never reached a point of marriage with me. That ups the ante a lot. I know it would never have been a fulfilling marriage, which is exactly what I have now.
Emotional abuse is tricky because it can range from abrupt and obvious to very subtle. I wonder if there are any studies out there on the topic. If I had to guess I would probably guess that while both men and women can be physical or emotional abusers, that it is more common for men to be physical abusers and for women to be emotional abusers. If I get a chance today I'm going to see if I can find some research on this. In my case my girlfriend was both, and had a downright volatile temper. Every little sentence or phrase had to be mentally word-smithed prior to being said because there was simply no predicting how she would receive it and react. There were punches thrown, there were harmful words said, subtle messages sent, and a whole litany of other abuses. I think that part of the emotional abuse included the patronage in between abuses. She always did "just enough" to keep me from taking the first steps away from her. Should have seen those gestures for what they were, but I'm not going to fret about it now. I'm just glad that providence spared me from ever taking that relationship to the next level.
Men and women can be physical and emotional abusers. Emotional abuse may be more widespread among both genders because so many people don't even think of it as a big deal like they would physical abuse. Also, if people are raised in emotionally abusive environments, they might never realize that this way of being is actually wrong, versus someone who was physically abused and grew up hearing stories about physical abuse and how wrong it is, and being able to say "hey, this was wrong".
Also, emotional abuse sometimes escalates to physical abuse, which people also don't realize. It's better to just get out of any relationship that is abusive to one or both parties instead of playing the guessing game.
Emotional abuse is more insidious and sneaky because it doesn't leave visible proof like physical abuse does. People aren't as likely to intervene or offer support of help when it's emotional v. physical abuse. Emotional abuse is more easily concealed, both by abuser and abused.
It's definitely the case that often, people who are victims of long-time, historical emotional abuse and are raised that way, see it as normal, not wrong, and not abuse, and cannot be dissuaded from this viewpoint. It's just as easy for an abuser to successfully convince the abused person that's what's happening is okay, legitimate, and isn't abusive, in emotional abuse as in physical abuse. Everyone knows that slapping a kid around regularly is wrong. People are a little more grey area on a kid being constantly berated and bullied for years, because there's so much room for interpretation on what constitutes emotional abuse...physical abuse is so much more black and white. But the impact is just as destructive.
I don't know, I've got no problem with self-affirmation for people who are working to rising above ****ty situations. It's a lot better than sinking into defeat or letting crappy treatment define you/become a crutch. Of course, I'm also one who firmly believes that positive mental outlook makes a difference in quality of life. To some, that's corny and self-indulgent, but whatever works, and I feel like there are worse ways to react to things in your life than to refuse to be victimized by negative people and situations.
Idk, I have come out of a lot of ****ty situations in my life. But I am neither in a hole or self-affirming. I just accept it as a part of life I've been dealt. I dont seek sympathy or to impress someone with overcoming my "struggle". I am aware that there are people out there who have made it through worse then I have.
I think this slogan works for cancer survivors and the like.
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