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Maybe some of you remember my posts about my MIL living with my GF and me last year. Well she's out on her own except that she doesn't have a car. When she moved in my GF and her had some different ideas on how long she would stay there than I did. Half way through the year, I told my GF that at the end of the 1 year lease, we need to find separate living arrangements. This is when I was informed that her mother had bills up to her eyeballs. We restructured some of her payments, put her on a very tight budget and she was able to afford her own place in 6 months. I also encouraged her to get a job which she has tried to do, but she won't apply to jobs that interfere with her church schedule or some other thing excuse after excuse. She retired without giving a thought as to how she would pay her bills and didn't look for a job in the entire 8 months she was living with us until it was suggested to her.
Now that we are living separately, she borrows my GF's car from time to time and I don't get involved in that. She has an interview this Thursday which interferes with my GF's work schedule. My GF wants to lend her her car, take mine to work and have me find a ride home (I work days, GF has a night shift). I said no. I don't want any part of it. Gas is approaching $4 a gallon and I don't know what kind of arrangement my GF has with her mom regarding gas money. My GF and I combine expenses, so I wouldn't ask her for gas money, so it would be like I'm paying for her mom to go to this interview and I'm done paying for her. I'm not petty enough to ask either of them for gas money. I dealt with all this stress last year and this is why we don't live together anymore. She had access to a car whenever she wanted it for 14 months. She didn't take advantage of it then and I don't want to be inconvenienced now.
Am I wrong here? Should I be sucking it up for the sake of my GF? My GF will have to find a ride to/from work tomorrow. I would normally feel bad, but I don't. She wants to give the mom the car, she has to find a ride from work. Obviously if she called me I would go get her, but I just don't want her to rely on me for these things. I don't want to do any favors for her mother. I feel like she made some bad choices, didn't take advantage of what was given to her and now it's up to her to figure it out. I feel that if I agree this time, it will happen more often. Since I've said no, I don't expect to get asked again.
You say "girlfriend," but you also say, "mother-in-law."
You say you moved out, but you "share expenses."
It sounds like you've set some boundaries but are not willing to set FIRM boundaries. You pay for some stuff but not "other" stuff. You let "this person" borrow your car but not "that person."
So if you were married, this would pretty much be a no-brainer. You would be a family and you would help each other in any reasonable way. It sounds like you took some very smart steps to get the MIL back on her feet, much like empty-nesters would a returning college grad.
But you apparently are not married and you are bitter about your "MIL's" choices. I get it. Your feelings are not totally out of line. You want to be in a relationship with your GF, which has its benefits, but not held responsible for this MIL stuff, which really has no benefits for you.
The real question is ... What do you WANT to happen??
The thing is that I am a female also and we cannot legally get married in our state. I would prefer the topic of marriage to be left out of this. We are in a committed relationship for the long haul so it's as if we're married.
My GF and I live together and share our expenses, we don't share expenses with her mother.
I feel that personally, I did everything I could and wanted to do for her mother. Her mother and I don't have much in common, so it's never going to be a very close relationship. I respect her as the mother of my significant other, I'm willing to help when help is needed, but I am done inconveniencing myself for someone who made and continues to make bad choices.
Yes, I agree with you, I want to be in a relationship with my GF, but I don't want to be responsible for her mother. That's exactly it. But am being unreasonable? I understand family is supposed to help each other and I feel somewhat guilty for not wanting to help her anymore after donig a lot of things for her that her own kids won't do. I just feel like I've reached my limit and would like her to figure her stuff out on her own and/or with the help of her daughter.
I want GF & MIL to understand that my charity with regards to MIL has it's limits and I've reached it. Now if we were to have a child like we are trying to do and we came to some sort of agreement where we would exchange child care services for money or a car, then our relationship would function at that level.
The thing is that I am a female also and we cannot legally get married in our state. I would prefer the topic of marriage to be left out of this. We are in a committed relationship for the long haul so it's as if we're married.
My GF and I live together and share our expenses, we don't share expenses with her mother.
I feel that personally, I did everything I could and wanted to do for her mother. Her mother and I don't have much in common, so it's never going to be a very close relationship. I respect her as the mother of my significant other, I'm willing to help when help is needed, but I am done inconveniencing myself for someone who made and continues to make bad choices.
Yes, I agree with you, I want to be in a relationship with my GF, but I don't want to be responsible for her mother. That's exactly it. But am being unreasonable? I understand family is supposed to help each other and I feel somewhat guilty for not wanting to help her anymore after donig a lot of things for her that her own kids won't do. I just feel like I've reached my limit and would like her to figure her stuff out on her own and/or with the help of her daughter.
I want GF & MIL to understand that my charity with regards to MIL has it's limits and I've reached it. Now if we were to have a child like we are trying to do and we came to some sort of agreement where we would exchange child care services for money or a car, then our relationship would function at that level.
Some very telling tidbits in this post ^^ .
I guess I read "Now that we live separately ..." as YOU moved out. I now understand that your "MIL" moved out.
To me it matters not if you are same-sex etc. I can appreciate your set-up. I am female, married 22 years to my husband, and I can tell you that this part you are experiencing now is just part of being in a committed relationship. It's not all romance!
To some extent, yes, you are being a little ... selfish. You want what YOU want on your terms. The last line about child care really highlights that. And your use of "charity" is troubling, since what you do for your GF (and by extension HER family) is supposed to be motivated by love, not pity.
In 5 years your "MIL" could post the exact same thread, though, about you. There are many posts on other forums here from grandmas b*tching about their greedy kids wanting free babysitting all the time without regard for their lifestyle etc. Not calling you "greedy," just pointing out that the day WILL come when you will need your MIL.
When you are with someone for the long haul, you get their family too, like it or not. It's not always a happy situation.
I have had my share of bad times with my in-laws, full of passive-aggressiveness and hurt feelings. My best, most honest advice to you is the be the bigger person. If you TRULY love your SO, just do what you can to help.
I always have to remind myself about that quote from Carrie Fisher, who had a turbulent relationship with her mother Debbie Reynolds: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Face it ... you are NOT going to teach your MIL any lessons by withholding your car. Think of your SO and what you would want HER to do if the roles were reversed.
I guess I read "Now that we live separately ..." as YOU moved out. I now understand that your "MIL" moved out.
To me it matters not if you are same-sex etc. I can appreciate your set-up. I am female, married 22 years to my husband, and I can tell you that this part you are experiencing now is just part of being in a committed relationship. It's not all romance!
To some extent, yes, you are being a little ... selfish. You want what YOU want on your terms. The last line about child care really highlights that. And your use of "charity" is troubling, since what you do for your GF (and by extension HER family) is supposed to be motivated by love, not pity.
In 5 years your "MIL" could post the exact same thread, though, about you. There are many posts on other forums here from grandmas b*tching about their greedy kids wanting free babysitting all the time without regard for their lifestyle etc.
When you are with someone for the long haul, you get their family too, like it or not. It's not always a happy situation.
I have had my share of bad times with my in-laws, full of passive-aggressiveness and hurt feelings. My best, most honest advice to you is the be the bigger person. If you TRULY love your SO, just do what you can to help.
I always have to remind myself about that quote from Carrie Fisher, who had a turbulent relationship with her mother Debbie Reynolds: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Face it ... you are NOT going to teach your MIL any lessons by withholding your car. Think of your SO and what you would want HER to do if the roles were reversed.
Yes, I know you are right. Last year, I did everything - I drove her around when she needed to go somewhere and didn't know how to get there, I let her purchase an entire bedset on my CC and she paid me back when she could, I provided her resources for jobs, did her taxes, let her borrow my car when she wanted, we took her out to movies and to eat from time to time, did all the research to find her an apartment that she could afford and I even researched a car purchase for her which we have put off until her bills are paid. I guess when she moved out, I just wanted things back to normal.
Aside from this we tried fertility treatments last year and they didn't work. I think party it was because I was really stressed out with her living with us, not only did I want my own space, but she was loud whether it was with the TV or on the phone, even after we told her she was being too loud, she would borrow my car and leave it on empty etc. This year we are doing treatments again and I am focused on that right now 110%. I told my GF this also. I told her that once the new year starts and we have our own place, I don't want to hear anyones problems because I'm going to be totally focused on getting us a baby. In this way I am being selfish and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I need to be this way right now. Maybe the word charity was improper, I did things that not everyone would do, that no one in her own family does for her, but I don't know the word for that.
As far as your comment about us abusing her with child care, I would never do that. I already told my GF that eventhough she is her mother and my MIL, when it comes to child care it will be a business arrangement. We will sit down, talk about our expectations and come up with a plan that everyone agrees with. I would never feel comfortable asking her to interrupt whatever she is doing to watch out kid, at least not without compensation.
Sounds like your GF mom is really taking advantage of her. You need to talk to your GF and tell her enough is enough, and be firm. Why would her mom want to work when she's being supported? Be FIRM, or for your own sanity, leave the relationship.
Sounds like your GF mom is really taking advantage of her. You need to talk to your GF and tell her enough is enough, and be firm. Why would her mom want to work when she's being supported? Be FIRM, or for your own sanity, leave the relationship.
Yes, it took me a while to see it, but this is totally what she was doing until I told my GF that this living arrangement is not going to go on past our lease. I spent a whole day going though all her bills and setting her up on a payment plan to get enough paid off by the end of the year so that she would be able to afford a place of her own. Then we told her that she should look for a job. I could feel the atmosphere was a little different for the few following weeks. Then she did end up getting a job, complained about it every day and then quit after 2 weeks. I could tell she didn't want to work. I think she moved in with us thinking she could live there until she was ready to leave. My fault for not confirming our expectations at the start, lesson learned, but never in a million years could I have imagined a woman, who as long as I have known her, complains about not having her own space, bills up to her eyeballs, etc just sit around and do nothing for months expecting to be "taken care of" indefinitely.
Big question for your GF and her mom: What happens if your GF's mom gets the job? Does she have enough money saved up to buy a beater car to get her to and from?
If so, and she's just waiting until she's employed and has a stable income before buying a car, she should just suck it up and use public transportation for the interview day. If that is not possible, then she should rent a car for the day. If that's not possible, your girlfriend should rent a car for her for the day.
But if not, what does she think is going to happen if she gets the job? Is she just expecting one of you to chauffeur her to and from work?
You have indeed done enough. She's your girlfriend's mother, not yours. Your girlfriend should be dealing with this, not you.
Lilac beat me to it. The problem isn't about borrowing the car for the interview (she could have taken a cab round trip). The question is: how will she get to work if she gets the job? She can't take a cab every day. If gf works the night shift, she'll be available during the day to take mom to work. She should also make sure mom puts some of her paycheck away in a separate savings acc't to save for car purchase. You can get VERY reliable Toyotas with YEARS of problem-free use left on them for around $2000.
Oh jeez, transportation to work, I haven't even brought that up. There was talk that her mom could use the church van, but I don't know the details of that. The job she is interviewing for today, she could get to by bus. I don't actually know if she has thought any of this through. She's applied to a few jobs and never hears back, so until she actually gets something, I feel everyone just feels it's useless to talk about any details.
When we were living together, I have heard her say, "well how am I going to get to work then" (when she had her two week job) when we had scheduling conflicts and both me and my GF needed our cars. My GF then works something out with her, usually with me getting a ride home or driving my GF to work. This was fine when we were living together, but I'm not doing that again.
If my GF want's to chauffeur her around, that's her business. The thing is that my GF doesn't always work nights, so there would be a conflict created. The thing is that I don't want any part of this. I feel two things (1) she shouldn't have quit her job at 62 having tons of bills, but should have worked until 65, paid off the bills, gotten a loan on a car or something and collected max SS. She would then be perfectly fine right now with more than enough income to cover her here in Florida and that's with a car payment. Or (2) once she got here, she should have brought up that she has bills to pay and asked us assistance to help her find a job - not sit around for 8 months doing who knows what expecting that the bills were just going to what, go away? This is what makes me bitter. Obviously I can't make choices for people, but I don't have to pay for their bad choices either. She didn't do the math when she retired and that's her fault. I just have a hard time being sympathetic to her for making choices without thinking through the consequences. I know she's family, but this is a pattern with her, are we to bail her out of her next poor choices too because she's family? I just want an end to this.
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