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Anyone have experience with this? Is it possible to have one of your coworkers of the opposite sex be your close friend (that you can tell anything to) if they are in a relationship with other people if there is no sexual attraction---as in no way, I would never ever go there.
Backstory:
I have been good friends with a coworker for a few years. He hangs out with me and my other work friends and we all talk about our lives. We all tell silly crude jokes as a group because that is our humor. He is in a relationship and so am I. Recently, we have been spending more time together on projects and have gotten to know each other better (the two of us). We're very similar. He texts me a lot and we sometimes have lunch together (alone or with others). We talk about family & vent and I consider it a good friendship. The more we get to know each other the more we get comfortable. He is like my big brother and I really enjoy talking to him. He seems to have gotten a bit more flirty in recent weeks and I sometimes think in my head "that is probably going too far" at some of his comments but at the same time we've always been similar in our big group of friends at work.
Odd experience this week:
He came to me out of the blue and said he'd been thinking about us and he wondered if I thought it was better when we were more professional or now that we've gotten closer. I told him I didn't know what to say because it was out of the blue. He looked at me, was quiet, and told me he didn't think we should spend as much time talking. It's weird now and I don't know what is allowed in terms of talking.
What is he trying to say to me?
Is it that he has realized he has gotten too close? That is the only thing I can think of and, while I don't disagree, I have NO idea what to say because it's just awkward now.
Anyone have experience with this? Is it possible to have one of your coworkers of the opposite sex be your close friend (that you can tell anything to) if they are in a relationship with other people if there is no sexual attraction---as in no way, I would never ever go there.
Backstory:
I have been good friends with a coworker for a few years. He hangs out with me and my other work friends and we all talk about our lives. We all tell silly crude jokes as a group because that is our humor. He is in a relationship and so am I. Recently, we have been spending more time together on projects and have gotten to know each other better (the two of us). We're very similar. He texts me a lot and we sometimes have lunch together (alone or with others). We talk about family & vent and I consider it a good friendship. The more we get to know each other the more we get comfortable. He is like my big brother and I really enjoy talking to him. He seems to have gotten a bit more flirty in recent weeks and I sometimes think in my head "that is probably going too far" at some of his comments but at the same time we've always been similar in our big group of friends at work.
Odd experience this week:
He came to me out of the blue and said he'd been thinking about us and he wondered if I thought it was better when we were more professional or now that we've gotten closer. I told him I didn't know what to say because it was out of the blue. He looked at me, was quiet, and told me he didn't think we should spend as much time talking. It's weird now and I don't know what is allowed in terms of talking.
What is he trying to say to me?
Is it that he has realized he has gotten too close? That is the only thing I can think of and, while I don't disagree, I have NO idea what to say because it's just awkward now.
Ok….you have established that you do not believe in S-H-I-T-T-I-N-G where you eat..you two are both in relationships..you guys joke and eat together in a group or alone…you two vent to one another and nothing is in the way of attraction?
And he states this out of the blue?
IMHO..2 things could be happening..
1. He feels guilty for the relationship he has with you be it platonic with you or not…
Perhaps he has mentioned you more than once in his current relationship even though he feels nothing for you maybe his SO feels the need for him to stop this?
2. Maybe you stated something to him that has him misreading your intentions and he wants to reiterate the relationship to you…
What should you tell him? Is that you do not know where he is coming from but if he is worried about things getting weird with you (2)? You think of him as a g/f and nothing more…
Easy fix..why stress over this especially if you are commited..There should be no words minced…
he's got a bone with your name on it, and doesnt know where to bury it.
it got too hot in the kitchen, and he has to back off- he probly wants to make a move on you
oh yeah, you can say all day long,,,we are friends,,nothing more,,,but when you laugh and share intimate details, with each other that arent even shared with your spouses, its easy to get close.
he's got a bone with your name on it, and doesnt know where to bury it.
it got too hot in the kitchen, and he has to back off- he probly wants to make a move on you
oh yeah, you can say all day long,,,we are friends,,nothing more,,,but when you laugh and share intimate details, with each other that arent even shared with your spouses, its easy to get close.
Agreed .. this is pretty cut and dried. He's attracted to you and is ambivalent about what to do next. Should he back off (for the sake of both of your spouses) or should he make a move? It's uncertain what he's going to do without knowing the man, but what seems fairly certain is that he's having more than friendly feelings for you.
I think he's uncomfortable for some reason. Ask him if that's the way he feels? And if says yes, ask him why? And if he sounds sincere, tell him how you feel about him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Anyone have experience with this? Is it possible to have one of your coworkers of the opposite sex be your close friend (that you can tell anything to) if they are in a relationship with other people if there is no sexual attraction---as in no way, I would never ever go there.
Backstory:
I have been good friends with a coworker for a few years. He hangs out with me and my other work friends and we all talk about our lives. We all tell silly crude jokes as a group because that is our humor. He is in a relationship and so am I. Recently, we have been spending more time together on projects and have gotten to know each other better (the two of us). We're very similar. He texts me a lot and we sometimes have lunch together (alone or with others). We talk about family & vent and I consider it a good friendship. The more we get to know each other the more we get comfortable. He is like my big brother and I really enjoy talking to him. He seems to have gotten a bit more flirty in recent weeks and I sometimes think in my head "that is probably going too far" at some of his comments but at the same time we've always been similar in our big group of friends at work.
Odd experience this week:
He came to me out of the blue and said he'd been thinking about us and he wondered if I thought it was better when we were more professional or now that we've gotten closer. I told him I didn't know what to say because it was out of the blue. He looked at me, was quiet, and told me he didn't think we should spend as much time talking. It's weird now and I don't know what is allowed in terms of talking.
What is he trying to say to me?
Is it that he has realized he has gotten too close? That is the only thing I can think of and, while I don't disagree, I have NO idea what to say because it's just awkward now.
You describe the same thing in your OP. He just had the gumption to say it to you. Tell him you agree. Spend less time together. Get back to your group interactions. He is trying to do the right thing. You should also. Simple as that.
Tel him you appreciate his honesty, and that you have had similar thoughts about the situation. And that you agree.
A good working friendship is at stake.
Last edited by JanND; 02-24-2013 at 06:42 AM..
Reason: edit text
oh yeah, you can say all day long,,,we are friends,,nothing more,,,but when you laugh and share intimate details, with each other that arent even shared with your spouses, its easy to get close.
In the words of my divorce attorney as he represents me against my husband that walked out the door with his "friend" ... The courts see hundreds of cases each year over "just friends."
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