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So I am in need of a little bit of help. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, I love him and everything has been perfect, except he has not had a job for over a year and is back living with his parents. Before you all tell me to kick him to the curb I want to provide the whole story.
I met my boyfriend shortly after I had been raped. He had been there for me and was one of the first guys who truly treated me right. He was willing to take things slow and has always been there for me when I would break down. He really opened up my life back to his former glory. I had my sense of adventure and fun back again. He is someone I can be myself with, I can talk to him and we always enjoy our time together. We have never had any big fights and when we have our arguments we talk everything out.
We had plans and dreams, a big part of my life goals were to set up business's and invest in real estate to create a passive income, which would enable me to travel and see the world. That had been one of his dreams too, to travel, to experience different cultures, it sounded great.
In December of 2008 he quit his job, I thought he'd find another one or at least pursue a business or become self employed, he had a one month part time job a while later but nothing after that.
In April I quit my job, thinking I could start up my own business, but that failed. In May I confirmed I was 2 months pregnant, but with no job, a boyfriend with no job and me being 17 I wasn’t able to go through with it. In June I went through an abortion, he was by my side, he told me he would make it work if I wanted to keep it, but I didn’t believe him.
Shortly after this had happened he told me that he had cheated on me. He had been out partying with his ex-girlfriend and some friends and had way to much to drink. He said he had woke up to them having sex in the back of her car. After he realised what happened he stopped and left. He told me right away, and it crushed me. I was unable to look at him or talk to him for weeks. But we worked through it and even though things aren't back to normal I'm back to being able to trust him again. He hasn't done it again, and refrains from drinking when I'm not around. But back to the story.
July I found a part time job, and in August I got a full-time job working for Moderator cut: snip. He still had nothing. I have now received 2 raises, and have been promoted and am climbing my career ladder. I am ready to get my own place and start my life. I really want him to come with me, but I know him not working will cause a lot of stress and I'm not sure how to go about it.
I don't know what I should do, how to help him. I want to build my life with him, but I don't know how to push him forward. He has the ability to work, he's been working from the time he was 16 to last December(he was 21). Nothing very permanent, but nonetheless working. I don't care what he does to make money, as long as its legal and ethical. I have been supporting him for over a year, providing him money, rides, paying for his cell phone, etc. but he just doesn't have any drive to move forward.
Does anybody have any good advice on what I should do. I'm determined to make this work, and would be willing to do anything, but I need some help.
Thank you in advance.
Last edited by cricket_factor; 01-18-2010 at 11:31 AM..
There are so many problems in your relationship, and his not working is only a tiny part of that equation. Why would you want to be with someone who:
1. cheats on you
2. gets so drunk that he says he didn't "realize he was having sex with someone" (riiiiiigggghhtttt)
3. is unemployed
4. has no motivation or drive to do anything
There isn't anything YOU can do to MAKE him a better person. He either is, or he isn't. And clearly, he isn't. Maybe in 5 yrs, when you both are older, and more mature, he'll have come around. But right now....you are asking for extra problems and heartache in your life by keeping him around.
You can't push a man forward. Either he makes the move on his own or he doesn't. What you have with him now is most likely the full extent of what you can expect in this relationship. You have to accept it, or move on.
Frankly the best you can do for you both is to dump him. He's got a free roof over his head and you are paying for his bills and providing him with spending money. If he were the type of guy who valued standing on his own two feet, this lifestyle would be intolerable to him - that type of guy could only stand it for the month or so it might take to start earning an honest living. He's fine with it, obviously.
Remember, people don't truly change for other people. People only truly change for themselves.
I love him and everything has been perfect, except ...
So many stories start this way. I love him and everything is perfect, except ... it's not. He cheated on you and you don't feel like the two of you are growing together as people. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself.
I dated a guy for almost six years, and we broke up because we were just becoming different people. I was going to college and had a good job, while he worked somewhere he hated and kept dropping out of school. We grew apart. That happens.
There is not one thing you can do to change him, and you shouldn't try.
I understand where you come from and how you may feel guilty about kicking him to the curb. I actually come from a similar background as you---
Before meeting my ex, I was a cutter and had major body image issues. On any given day, I would walk around with at least 10 cuts on my body and I was in the pits of depression.
He came around and was extremely gentle and supportive of my mental health. He rebuilt my self esteem and made me appreciate myself again. He was everything I personally needed and wanted. But he had no job. He also had no education. And he didn't want to get an education. I thought we could survive it.
The lesson I learned from that relationship was that you can't stay with someone out of guilt or pity. You only get to live life once and whomever you end up with should be someone who can match with your personality and life goals as possible---otherwise all efforts are a total waste. You can possibly make it work...for a while---but if he doesn't have a job 5 years from now, 10 years from now, would you be okay with that? Would you want to tell your future children with him (assuming you go that far) that mommy has to work because daddy doesn't like to--and that is why mommy can't be around to tuck them in at night?
You can't push him forward. Only he can. And it is pretty clear he doesn't want to.
My last relationship lasted 5 years. Do you know why? Because as beautiful as it started out, it ended up becoming the deadbeat ex only staying with me because I made money to support him.
There are so many problems in your relationship, and his not working is only a tiny part of that equation. Why would you want to be with someone who:
1. cheats on you
2. gets so drunk that he says he didn't "realize he was having sex with someone" (riiiiiigggghhtttt)
3. is unemployed
4. has no motivation or drive to do anything
There isn't anything YOU can do to MAKE him a better person. He either is, or he isn't. And clearly, he isn't. Maybe in 5 yrs, when you both are older, and more mature, he'll have come around. But right now....you are asking for extra problems and heartache in your life by keeping him around.
Well, only you know if his good traits out weigh the bad ones. If you really want to make it work with him then you should have a serious face to face talk.
Tell him what you said here, you appreciate everything he has done for you, and he has been there when others were not.
Now you are ready to move on with your life, your new job is going great, you see a future for yourself and are ready to embark on that journey. Does he want to go with you or does he want to stay living with the parents?
If he says he wants to go with you and build a future then you explain to him what you expect, you expect him to get a job, to do this or that, whatever your expectations are. Tell him that he will have to have a job in place before he can join you on this journey, sure it is difficult these days to get a job but he has to at least make an effort before he can find one.
You have to stick to your guns though and follow through. If he doesnt get a job then he must not have the desire to build a future with you.
So you're all of what... 19, 20? And you think this guy is the end all/be all for you?
pffffttttt!!!!!
Leave, and finish growing up. He's no good to you. And don't be stupid and think you can save him or can "inspire" him to do better. Don't flatter yourself to think you're that special. He doesn't want to work, and there's no one that special to change his mind about it.
Quit paying his bills and leave him behind.
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time he was 16 to last December(he was 21). Nothing very permanent, but nonetheless working. I don't care what he does to make money, as long as its legal and ethical. I have been supporting him for over a year, providing him money, rides, paying for his cell phone, etc. but he just doesn't have any drive to move forward.
