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Old 02-27-2013, 11:17 AM
 
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I think this is mostly a philosophical question, and I apologize if anything here comes off as pompous. I've said frequently in these threads that I'm finally at a very happy place in life. I wonder though if you guys think this makes dating more difficult in some ways. When I say "I don't need a man" it's not some sort of neo-feminist, manhating statement - just an actual fact that I've got a good life without a partner.

The fact that I don't see myself as NEEDING a partner doesn't mean I treat my dates poorly or anything like that. I'm attentive, fairly emotionally open, passionate and definitely willing to make time for someone else. And I definitely develop strong feelings for my partners. But if I die single, I won't feel unfulfilled.

I love being part of a couple, and right now I'm seeing a guy who's pretty awesome. But, like me, he's not really all that eager to shack up or get married or anything like that. But I think the downside (for me) of this lack of need and expectations is that our relationship is very vaguely defined, though we are exclusive.

I also feel more cautious about letting romantic interests into my life to a certain degree. I've been a fairly open person for most of my life, and now my main worry when I meet a guy is if he is going to disrupt the happiness I've already achieved. It was a totally different story when my life was a mess and I had all these voids in my life. That said, I also wonder if a guy I'm seeing might wonder where I have room for him in my life (though I will cheerfully make room for the right person).

This is probably a crude way to put it, but it's like the burrito shack at the end of my street. LOVE IT. I go to eat there about once a week, and I totally enjoy it. But if the burrito shack closed tomorrow and I couldn't stroll down to the end of my street to grab a snack, I'd just do without burritos and not really miss them THAT much. I guess what I'm saying is that while I might fall in love with a guy and really enjoy that particular relationship, my approach to the concept of romance in general these past couple years has become very "take it or leave it."

I try not to be smug or complacent, and to remain open-hearted. But I keep thinking about the saying "everyone likes to be needed," and I wonder if I should change things up. But how would I even do that? And how would I do that without acting like someone I'm not?
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:21 AM
 
17,869 posts, read 20,990,050 times
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Life, whether good or bad, has no bearing on whether or not dating is rough for me.

And considering that I haven't been able to land any kind of date in the past several years, and my life has been pretty alright for the most part, I think I'm right.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:22 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,299,494 times
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I find the more self esteem I generate from personal accomplishments, the less male attention, compliments, doting and love seem to generate happiness for me. I actually despise when a man compliments me on the way I look. I find it beneath me and petty-it physically makes me uncomfortable.

This reality I've constructed is like my backup plan...if any relationship I am ever in fails, I always have myself and I'm really the best thing I have anyways.

I know it sounds arrogant but I was raised with the mindset that the only thing that is certain in my life and that I can control is myself and my own happiness.

In short: I totally understand where you are coming from.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:37 AM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,957,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I think this is mostly a philosophical question, and I apologize if anything here comes off as pompous. I've said frequently in these threads that I'm finally at a very happy place in life. I wonder though if you guys think this makes dating more difficult in some ways. When I say "I don't need a man" it's not some sort of neo-feminist, manhating statement - just an actual fact that I've got a good life without a partner.

The fact that I don't see myself as NEEDING a partner doesn't mean I treat my dates poorly or anything like that. I'm attentive, fairly emotionally open, passionate and definitely willing to make time for someone else. And I definitely develop strong feelings for my partners. But if I die single, I won't feel unfulfilled.

I love being part of a couple, and right now I'm seeing a guy who's pretty awesome. But, like me, he's not really all that eager to shack up or get married or anything like that. But I think the downside (for me) of this lack of need and expectations is that our relationship is very vaguely defined, though we are exclusive.

I also feel more cautious about letting romantic interests into my life to a certain degree. I've been a fairly open person for most of my life, and now my main worry when I meet a guy is if he is going to disrupt the happiness I've already achieved. It was a totally different story when my life was a mess and I had all these voids in my life. That said, I also wonder if a guy I'm seeing might wonder where I have room for him in my life (though I will cheerfully make room for the right person).

This is probably a crude way to put it, but it's like the burrito shack at the end of my street. LOVE IT. I go to eat there about once a week, and I totally enjoy it. But if the burrito shack closed tomorrow and I couldn't stroll down to the end of my street to grab a snack, I'd just do without burritos and not really miss them THAT much. I guess what I'm saying is that while I might fall in love with a guy and really enjoy that particular relationship, my approach to the concept of romance in general these past couple years has become very "take it or leave it."

I try not to be smug or complacent, and to remain open-hearted. But I keep thinking about the saying "everyone likes to be needed," and I wonder if I should change things up. But how would I even do that? And how would I do that without acting like someone I'm not?
To answer your question in your subject line, my answer is no. But it depends on the person, and what they are looking for. You, OP, come across to me as a free spirit.
But I wonder; If you had trouble attracting partners, and you were unable to find yourself the occasional... date, would your attitude change ?
You seem to come across as someone that doesn't have difficulty getting men. I wonder, if you DIDN't get attention from men nearly as often, if you struggled to date, would your "take it or leave it" attitude persist ?

I am not attacking you, honestly, I assume you have a good, fun life. It must be amazing to have new people in your life that are constantly trying to impress you, and to have a family and networking/ social group to ALWAYS fall back on.
I think you may be wise to recognize that your lifestyle, the people around you, and in your life is not something to be taken granted. There are many people out there that don't have the family ties, social network, and dating options that you do.
Of course your life is good. I give you credit for that recognition.
But your life is so good, I believe you fail to recognize the value of a LTR with the right person. And I wouldn't be surprised if you have let 'the right person' come and go in and out of your life many many times. Why? Simply because you didn't really need them. They have been replaceable, and quite easily most likely.

I know IRL a few guys and some women with the similar mindset. They are content, or portray to be, and dating partners/gf's/bf's come and go over and over and over. I have scratched my head many times. But I don't know the whole story. But I know if I was able to successfully date the way I know IRL some women and men are capable of, I would not be on this forum nearly as much, if at all.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,785 posts, read 12,024,345 times
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I was raised never to need a man, but rather want one. So coming from that mindset, I think it's wonderful that you're happy with yourself and your life, that you don't place your value, worth, esteem and happiness into the hands of another, or onto a relationship to fulfill you.

I also believe that when you're in a good place, that's what you attract, so I really don't see a downside to where you're at.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:50 AM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,957,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
I find the more self esteem I generate from personal accomplishments, the less male attention, compliments, doting and love seem to generate happiness for me. I actually despise when a man compliments me on the way I look. I find it beneath me and petty-it physically makes me uncomfortable.

This reality I've constructed is like my backup plan...if any relationship I am ever in fails, I always have myself and I'm really the best thing I have anyways.

I know it sounds arrogant but I was raised with the mindset that the only thing that is certain in my life and that I can control is myself and my own happiness.

In short: I totally understand where you are coming from.
See, this post confuses me. They say that those who are successful dating are ones that are happy with them-self, and that dating and s/o's aren't supposed to make you happy. They are supposed to enrich one's life. But to me, it seems that s/o's almost get in your way, and you look down on the idea.
But reading this post, I don't know if you are happy. Someone who says a compliment from a man is beneath them ?
But I wonder, if the guy is 'good enough', is the compliment not beneath you then ?


But, I can understand how a compliment can make one uncomfortable. One time I went to a party with a date. The dates friend (woman) and I were chatting, and kind of out of no where the friend complimented my eyes. It was something I wasn't used to, and REALLY caught me off guard. I said thanks, but really didnt know where to go from there. I think it got a lil weird after that, and I ended up walking away 'to grab a drink' haha. Awkward.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:52 AM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,299,494 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
See, this post confuses me. They say that those who are successful dating are ones that are happy with them-self, and that dating and s/o's aren't supposed to make you happy. They are supposed to enrich one's life. But to me, it seems that s/o's almost get in your way, and you look down on the idea.
But reading this post, I don't know if you are happy. Someone who says a compliment from a man is beneath them ?
But I wonder, if the guy is 'good enough', is the compliment not beneath you then ?


But, I can understand how a compliment can make one uncomfortable. One time I went to a party with a date. The dates friend (woman) and I were chatting, and kind of out of no where the friend complimented my eyes. It was something I wasn't used to, and REALLY caught me off guard. I said thanks, but really didnt know where to go from there. I think it got a lil weird after that, and I ended up walking away 'to grab a drink' haha. Awkward.
Please re-read my post. I said a compliment from a man on my physical appearance is beneath me. If he wants to tell me how smart, witty and articulate I am-by all means have at it.

Comments about physical appearance do nothing but make me uncomfortable and feel stale.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:53 AM
 
4,829 posts, read 4,282,241 times
Reputation: 4766
I think it's made things harder for me, only because I'm expecting more than I was before. I expected less when I lived at home, because I couldn't bring what I ultimtaely wanted to bring to the table. Now that I'm doing it all on my own, I'm less willing to settle for things that I would have before. It keeps me from relationship happiness, but it keeps me from relationship hell too. I wouldn't say it's a good or bad thing. I'm happier on my own than I ever was living at home.

Ultimately, it's made things harder, but in a good way!

Last edited by weezerfan84; 02-27-2013 at 12:49 PM..
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:07 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,364,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
To answer your question in your subject line, my answer is no. But it depends on the person, and what they are looking for. You, OP, come across to me as a free spirit.
But I wonder; If you had trouble attracting partners, and you were unable to find yourself the occasional... date, would your attitude change ?
You seem to come across as someone that doesn't have difficulty getting men. I wonder, if you DIDN't get attention from men nearly as often, if you struggled to date, would your "take it or leave it" attitude persist ?

I am not attacking you, honestly, I assume you have a good, fun life. It must be amazing to have new people in your life that are constantly trying to impress you, and to have a family and networking/ social group to ALWAYS fall back on.
I think you may be wise to recognize that your lifestyle, the people around you, and in your life is not something to be taken granted. There are many people out there that don't have the family ties, social network, and dating options that you do.
Of course your life is good. I give you credit for that recognition.
But your life is so good, I believe you fail to recognize the value of a LTR with the right person. And I wouldn't be surprised if you have let 'the right person' come and go in and out of your life many many times. Why? Simply because you didn't really need them. They have been replaceable, and quite easily most likely.

I know IRL a few guys and some women with the similar mindset. They are content, or portray to be, and dating partners/gf's/bf's come and go over and over and over. I have scratched my head many times. But I don't know the whole story. But I know if I was able to successfully date the way I know IRL some women and men are capable of, I would not be on this forum nearly as much, if at all.
Actually, I have a great deal of trouble attracting men. I've been a wallflower all my life, and until my mid-20s was very very socially awkward. Total late bloomer. The relationships I've had that have lasted more than 2 months can be counted on one hand, with very little in the way of flings between them. And I don't sleep around.

But I grew up an only child in a fairly remote (for Jersey) area, with no peers in my neighborhood. I've always been used to being left to my own devices.

That said, after "blooming" in my mid-20s, I've worked very hard at building a large network of friends and family. I'm actually pretty social. Just not much of a dater. I had one awesome (but ultimately unsustainable) romance in my early 20s that really set me on my current path in life, and honestly that's more than a lot of people get, so I'm not desperate for it to happen again.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:16 PM
 
2,650 posts, read 3,011,598 times
Reputation: 3466
You have developed your life alone in a way that provides meaning for you and gives you a sense of fulfillment and thats good, you are a better person for it. But (its always what comes after the but) anyone who has ever been truly in love knows you will drop everything for it and nothing will be more important. There is no take it or leave it and no matter how it ends there is no forgetting.

I can tell you at work I have reached the pinnacle of my profession and having got there, excelled. At home I am remarkably accomplished and skillful in a variety of pursuits. I seldom have the time to do everything I want in a day and I never lack for attentions of the female variety. But (its always what comes after the but lol) I am not in love. Having once known what its like to share a love with a woman who took the very air from the room I know this is not a good thing. So my days are full and filled with things that I have a passion for and I am not unhappy. I however live knowing that I could be doing all these things next to my beloved.
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