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There are some people for whom this IS a big deal, and others for whom it's not. Ideally, they should probably date within their compatible group to avoid needless drama, but of course it may take an "event" to determine where they fall on this.
For me, a one-time minor indiscretion (and that's all I'd call it) that didn't involve sex is entirely forgivable. I'd probably want to discuss it and establish future boundaries that work for us both. Making a big deal of something this minor would be a red flag, though.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Apotamkin_Renesmee
I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to help out my friend Meagan with this situation. Lastnight was a rough night for her. Although I didn't agree with some of the responses, that was for her to decide as well as deciding whether she should break up with Scott or remain forever suspicious and distrustful of him if she chooses to remain together with him.
She said when their mutual friend told her what he did, she confronted him about it. She said that he did admit it when she told him someone saw him kiss this other woman. She was bothered with how cavalier he acted about it; he didn't seem as remorseful as she thought he should've been. He did apologize to her, just not quite in the way she had imagined. She said that he told her, "I'm sorry it happened, but I'm human and I was shytfaced...it could've happened to anyone - even to you..." She told me that what he said was utterly ridiculous, that she would have never kissed another man or even gotten physically close to one while she's in a relationship with him - no matter how drunk or 'human' she was and that him using being drunk and a weak human being as an excuse for getting that physically intimate with another woman raised a huge red flag for her. After a lot of crying, talking to me about this, reading the responses here and evaluating their almost 2 year relationship - she's come to the conclusion that she deserves better from a man who wouldn't allow himself to become weak around other women and one who could handle his liquor. She told me that she had invested enough of her time and heart into this relationship and that she'd rather break up with him now than always wonder about if she can ever trust him again.
I think she made an honest and correct choice for her. I think to be "all in" for a relationship trust is non-negotiable. If she cannot do that, there is no foundation for the relationship which I think is a bigger problem than one kiss.
Get out of my head Djuna, lol, I was thinking the same thing
Let's hope these types just keep dating - they aren't even close to being ready for the real work of a marriage if a situation like this throws them into such a huge crisis.
Why the need to make condescending remarks like this?
It doesn't matter if 100% of the rest of the world says a kiss is not a big deal; if it's a big deal to her, it's an issue in her relationship. Some people may think a mistress on the side is ok; how would you feel if your husband had one and someone told you that you just weren't ready for a real relationship if that upsets you? Pretty ridiculous and judgmental, right? Think about it.
Why the need to make condescending remarks like this?
It doesn't matter if 100% of the rest of the world says a kiss is not a big deal; if it's a big deal to her, it's an issue in her relationship. Some people may think a mistress on the side is ok; how would you feel if your husband had one and someone told you that you just weren't ready for a real relationship if that upsets you? Pretty ridiculous and judgmental, right? Think about it.
Okay, I read it and reread it and I don't see that my comments were condescending.
I do know that telling the truth these days is sometimes seen as "mean" by some, but I can assure you I was only stating what seemed obvious to me
The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine - that's all.
The reality is, life is messy and relationships can be too.
If you are not ready to do the work required to make one function or be successful when it's hit a rough patch, you're not really ready to be involved in one.
And while of course you have to have boundaries in a relationship for appropriate behavior, throwing away what was reported to be an otherwise "perfect couple with a lot going for them" out of anger and hurt over something that was in fact forgivable was a lot of unnecessary drama.
The guy was "sloppy drunk" and kissed someone else more than 4 months ago.
Doesn't sound like he makes this a regular occurrence or that there was any evidence of him doing any real cheating before or after (though of course NOW the OP and her friend are going to start second guessing/suspecting the guy left and right because doing so helps them justify their position on him and his "character").
What he did was rude, crude and socially unacceptable.
It was not, however, "cheating".
This was fixable - if both parties had cared enough about each other and the relationship to fix it.
Many many very wise and mature people have gotten past a lot worse to go on and have better, stronger relationships when they've stuck it out to work through a painful event.
I do realize though that this couple was likely very young and a breakup was probably due at this stage of their lives and development anyway.
I'm just hoping she'll take some of what others such as myself have said here into consideration as she goes forward toward her next relationship
Okay, I read it and reread it and I don't see that my comments were condescending.
I do know that telling the truth these days is sometimes seen as "mean" by some, but I can assure you I was only stating what seemed obvious to me
The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine - that's all.
You did not just give an opinion, you judged. If you had simply said you didn't think it was a breakup worthy action, that would have been an opinion. However, you went on to say "these types" of people aren't etc., etc.
Cheating can be defined as many things for many people. No one else defines that for her relationship or anyone else's.
You often give good advice loves, but your advice is overshadowed by the remarks that accompany it. According to the multiple reps I got for my post, many others agree. I hope you'll think about that. I know you mean well.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by the minx
You did not just give an opinion, you judged. If you had simply said you didn't think it was a breakup worthy action, that would have been an opinion. However, you went on to say "these types" of people aren't etc., etc.
Cheating can be defined as many things for many people. No one else defines that for her relationship or anyone else's.
You often give good advice loves, but your advice is overshadowed by the remarks that accompany it. According to the multiple reps I got for my post, many others agree. I hope you'll think about that. I know you mean well.
I'd have to agree here. Good advice is often overshadowed by unnecessary commentary. Wouldn't be the first time on C-D though.
considering he's my boyfriend and this would not be the first time, I'd always love him, but I'd leave. I'd love to be with him in marriage and spend the rest of my life with this man (He's my sweetie above all others), but I feel I'd deserve better than to be repeatedly taken for granted.
There are some people for whom this IS a big deal, and others for whom it's not. Ideally, they should probably date within their compatible group to avoid needless drama, but of course it may take an "event" to determine where they fall on this.
For me, a one-time minor indiscretion (and that's all I'd call it) that didn't involve sex is entirely forgivable. I'd probably want to discuss it and establish future boundaries that work for us both. Making a big deal of something this minor would be a red flag, though.
I agree that making a big deal of something this minor IS a red flag.
To the OP - I hope you aren't fueling the fire. Yes, she is like a sister to you and she is sharing her woes, but try your best to be a sounding board and not making this worse, as in: "if this were me..." or "I still can't BELIEVE he would cheat!"
Having said that, the situation really does matter here. Was it a peck, a long kiss or an all-out makeout session? Years ago, when I had a long-distance boyfriend, I met up some old college friends for margarita night. One guy, who was one of my best friends in college, had a few too many. At the end of the night, he leaned in and plopped one on me. I was surprised and pulled away, but I can't say I was repulsed, nor did I slap him. He'd had too many and clearly was very comfortable with me. I mentioned the incident (on the phone) with my long-distance boyfriend, when he asked the next day how the night went. He got pretty upset. He clearly didn't see the situation as I did (he obviously wasn't there and didn't see this kiss in the context of the night). It happened. Never repeated itself. My boyfriend wasn't thrilled, but he never brought it up again.
I'm not a cheater, there is no history of cheating. This was a silly incident.
Not sure if this is the case with her boyfriend. But it's been four months. It is ridiculous for her to keep turning this over in her mind.
If she wants to end it, she should end it based on their outlook on arguments, not for that "kiss."
You did not just give an opinion, you judged. If you had simply said you didn't think it was a breakup worthy action, that would have been an opinion. However, you went on to say "these types" of people aren't etc., etc.
Cheating can be defined as many things for many people. No one else defines that for her relationship or anyone else's.
You often give good advice loves, but your advice is overshadowed by the remarks that accompany it. According to the multiple reps I got for my post, many others agree. I hope you'll think about that. I know you mean well.
We could compare amount of rep points to see whose view is getting more support, lol, but I don't think that's so important really.
Thank you for getting that I do in fact "mean well", as I can assure you I do.
It is not always easy to discern or even effectively communicate tone of voice in the written word, which is why I try to remind myself when I'm reading here to give someone the benefit of the doubt until I'm really sure they intended to offend (many really don't!).
Big red flag to me is...he didn't confess the incident to her. She had to hear it 3rd party. Makes me wonder how many other incidents like this have taken place that he didn't get caught or forgot to mention. Might be in her best intrest to lose this guy.
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