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Okay, I read it and reread it and I don't see that my comments were condescending.
I do know that telling the truth these days is sometimes seen as "mean" by some, but I can assure you I was only stating what seemed obvious to me
The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine - that's all.
The reality is, life is messy and relationships can be too.
If you are not ready to do the work required to make one function or be successful when it's hit a rough patch, you're not really ready to be involved in one.
And while of course you have to have boundaries in a relationship for appropriate behavior, throwing away what was reported to be an otherwise "perfect couple with a lot going for them" out of anger and hurt over something that was in fact forgivable was a lot of unnecessary drama.
The guy was "sloppy drunk" and kissed someone else more than 4 months ago.
Doesn't sound like he makes this a regular occurrence or that there was any evidence of him doing any real cheating before or after (though of course NOW the OP and her friend are going to start second guessing/suspecting the guy left and right because doing so helps them justify their position on him and his "character").
What he did was rude, crude and socially unacceptable.
It was not, however, "cheating".
This was fixable - if both parties had cared enough about each other and the relationship to fix it.
Many many very wise and mature people have gotten past a lot worse to go on and have better, stronger relationships when they've stuck it out to work through a painful event.
I do realize though that this couple was likely very young and a breakup was probably due at this stage of their lives and development anyway.
I'm just hoping she'll take some of what others such as myself have said here into consideration as she goes forward toward her next relationship
can I just say, lovesmountains, I use to be a member of this forum and I often love what you share in the relationships section, including this post (even though I consider kissing cheating if it's considered betrayal by a person's SO).
This person might not be the one for her at this time. Some things are more willingly forgiven when we find that person we want to create a future with but we all have to know our limitations. She probably reached hers, though she tried. Not all men do this to their loved ones though. It's possible that her next relationship won't include any form of cheating.
The reason I ask this is because one of my friends found out in October of last year through their mutual friend that her SO kissed a woman at a Halloween party they both attended. Her SO was "sloppy drunk" as she called it and it was confirmed that they didn't go further than just kissing at the party. It's been several months since this happened to her and she still can't move past it. I told her she didn't have to accept what he did and that if this is torturing her this much, that she should just end it with him. I told her what he did was completely unacceptable, disrespectful and totally out of line. She labeled what he did as cheating on her and I agree with her.
However, when her and I discussed what happened with some of our other friends, they say that - although what he did was totally wrong and unacceptable - that it was "forgivable" and that if he did nothing else wrong, then she should try to forgive him because "people make mistakes" and that most men cannot resist temptation when it's presented to them. I countered what they said with, what if this isn't the first time he did this to her? What if this is the only time she has ever found out? If her boyfriend has the character and propensity to kiss another woman while his "defenses were down", what if the opportunity presented itself at other times that she isn't aware of?
I'd like to get honest yet respectful opinions from some of the sage advisors of this site for her to read and absorb. She really needs help with this and, although I'm helping her through this, I think she also wants other peoples' opinions so she can weigh things out in her mind and think things through. She's leaning towards breaking up with him but she's torn and wants to make sure she's making the right decision and not just breaking up with him out of hurt and anger. They've been together since June 2011 and, to date, she has told me that she doesn't think he has cheated on her before the kissing incident but now after having found this out, she thinks he may have cheated on her before and she just never found out about it. My heart breaks for her because she's a wonderful person and has a lot going for her. I also liked her SO and thought she finally found her soulmate because she was always so happy and they make (or made) a perfect couple. My anger at him for what he did to my friend is palpable and at a high level. I think she should break up with him and go on with her life until she finds another guy who wouldn't dare do this to her.
Thanks for any input any of you have about this. She's like a sister to me and I want to help her out in any way that I can to get her through this painful time in her life.
HER life HER choice and everyone else should stay out of it because it is really none of their business how she lives HER LIFE.
It's possible that her next relationship won't include any form of cheating.
True. And it's possible her next (and her next and her next) will bang her best friends in her own bed and she will reminisce about the man whose biggest transgression was a drunken kiss at a party.
True. And it's possible her next (and her next and her next) will bang her best friends in her own bed and she will reminisce about the man whose biggest transgression was a drunken kiss at a party.
So she should remain out of fear or uncertainty that the next wont be better than the last? Or maybe she'll leave and decide shed rather be a nun, or stay single(what's wrong with being single? Is marriage for everyone? I might've stayed single forever happily is my sweetie didnt show up). no one knows what the future holds and so for her to stay just cause she doesn't know what's in her future is just silly. She might miss out on the love of her life or she may come back to this one i. The end because she learned to get over it. but its her life and that's okay if he's not what she wants at this time. But one way isn't the only and one persons idea of cheating isn't the same for everyone. At the end of the day, she's not happy.
So she should remain out of fear or uncertainty that the next wont be better than the last?
I'm not sure how you jump to this absurd conclusion based on the prior post. The next person she dates may be better or worse of course, but a rigid value system may make it harder to work through any issues that arise in a typical relationship. It's her choice, but sometimes the choices we make don't help make us happier.
Thanks for the continuing responses to Meagan's situation. I talked to her yesterday on the phone and she told me that, although she loves him, she just doesn't trust him anymore. I can understand that.
It's like Rance posted, Scott didn't tell her what happened, she found out through a mutual friend of ours, whose heart was heavy with the decision to tell her or not; but since she thought Meagan deserved to know the truth of what happened, she ended up telling her. She told me that our mutual friend told her she saw him and the other girl "going to town" together in the hallway that night and that it looked to her as if they were french kissing and groping each other. In my opinion, that IS cheating. But, I asked Meagan to ask herself if she considers it cheating - after all, this is what truly counts, as it is her relationship, her feelings and her life.
I'm sad for the both of them and I'm very disappointed in him for hurting her like this and for throwing a loving and caring relationship out the window because he couldn't control his sexual urges nor his liquor. As someone else here stated, I also feel it's best that she breaks up with him so she can go on with her life to find a guy who would NEVER do this to her. A french kiss and heavy groping may not be considered to be a serious transgression by many, but to Meagan, it was. It destroyed all of the trust she had in him. And, although I didn't share this with her, I do feel that Scott has probably done this to her before, but has never been caught - until now.
I feel so bad for her. One of my best friends is suffering greatly, and there's nothing I can do to ease it except just be there for her. I feel so helpless.
I'm not sure how you jump to this absurd conclusion based on the prior post. The next person she dates may be better or worse of course, but a rigid value system may make it harder to work through any issues that arise in a typical relationship. It's her choice, but sometimes the choices we make don't help make us happier.
I think you misunderstood Royalite You guys are actually saying the same thing.
He was expressing the same sentiment you are to the prior poster Oceangaia - just sayin'
Thanks for the continuing responses to Meagan's situation. I talked to her yesterday on the phone and she told me that, although she loves him, she just doesn't trust him anymore. I can understand that.
It's like Rance posted, Scott didn't tell her what happened, she found out through a mutual friend of ours, whose heart was heavy with the decision to tell her or not; but since she thought Meagan deserved to know the truth of what happened, she ended up telling her. She told me that our mutual friend told her she saw him and the other girl "going to town" together in the hallway that night and that it looked to her as if they were french kissing and groping each other. In my opinion, that IS cheating. But, I asked Meagan to ask herself if she considers it cheating - after all, this is what truly counts, as it is her relationship, her feelings and her life.
I'm sad for the both of them and I'm very disappointed in him for hurting her like this and for throwing a loving and caring relationship out the window because he couldn't control his sexual urges nor his liquor. As someone else here stated, I also feel it's best that she breaks up with him so she can go on with her life to find a guy who would NEVER do this to her. A french kiss and heavy groping may not be considered to be a serious transgression by many, but to Meagan, it was. It destroyed all of the trust she had in him. And, although I didn't share this with her, I do feel that Scott has probably done this to her before, but has never been caught - until now.
I feel so bad for her. One of my best friends is suffering greatly, and there's nothing I can do to ease it except just be there for her. I feel so helpless.
I am sorry your friend is hurting .
It is true, once trust is gone it is impossible to continue a relationship successfully. Since she believes it is not possible to trust him again they have nothing else to discuss.
Years ago a guy I was dating, who was crazy about me, did something to breach my trust (not cheating, just something I considered disloyal), so I completely broke things off with him. I mean I cut him out of my life even as a friend.
But 25 or so years later that same man got in touch with me and thanked me for a very valuable life lesson which helped him to eventually be a better husband and happily married for many years ever since.
He said when I cut him off like that for his disloyalty he learned to never ever again risk losing someone he truly loved by crossing certain boundaries. Basically, what he did to me turned out to be a big life lesson for him. In a best case scenario, this will happen for your friends now ex too.
I'm not sure how you jump to this absurd conclusion based on the prior post. The next person she dates may be better or worse of course, but a rigid value system may make it harder to work through any issues that arise in a typical relationship. It's her choice, but sometimes the choices we make don't help make us happier.
Thanks lovesMountains for sticking up for me firstly.
Yes, you do have to learn how to compromise in a relationship but maybe this is just one of her newly found non-negotiables. I don't know the girl but from what I read in the post she's not happy. I don't feel I would be happy either if my sweetie kissed someone else, even if he was sloppy drunk. and I say this because I know how my sweetie is sloppy drunk and even then he's very connected to me (maybe even more so because he lacks a filter and is a million times more affectionate with me). So if I noticed him kissing another girl while sloppy drunk, knowing his usual tendencies, I wouldn't feel okay with that. We'd have to talk about it and I'd have to see how I feel going forward (I would be very very hurt) but if she really can't move past it, how can I guilt her? Maybe one day she will or maybe she won't and I can't get upset with her or chastise her for that. It's her choice and just because people on the outside are shaking their heads at someone's choice doesn't make the outside world any righter. :/ We're all learning about ourselves on some level. From what I read in the post, she really did try to move past it, she just realized that she couldn't.
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