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Old 03-03-2013, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,873 posts, read 11,191,509 times
Reputation: 10757

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Your twenties are a time for finding what you want and who you are. No matter what, relationships are important.

Treat those you meet (that you want a further relationship) like you would like to be treated. Become friends. Learn to like the person or people. In doing this, you will find out more about yourself.

I was friends with the person I eventually married but I did not look at him as a romantic interest when I first met him. He was dating someone and I thought he seemed nice. Never gave it much thought but through the years, we began to know each other a bit more.

Our life has had a lot of ups and downs but regardless, we still are friends and have that core. He gets me; I get him. It works.

You are 22; enjoy each day; you don't know what can happen; stay positive and be thankful for what you have.
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Old 03-03-2013, 09:02 PM
 
9,001 posts, read 10,139,595 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inebriated Duck View Post
Harro city data denizens.

I've been thinking recently (dangerous I know) about being old - fashioned and how that may be hurting my chances in relationships in general. To clarify, I don't mean old fashioned in that I'm like some Bronze Age bloke straight out of the old Testament, keen on stoning unbelievers and adulterers. I mean old-fashioned in the sense of dress, tastes, hobbies and interests, and in the sense I am looking for a boring ol' long term relationship. (Though after five years without sexual activity, it's becoming obvious that I'm going slightly stir-fry gai lan and may just have to forgo that entirely. After all, if one can't even be sucessful at casual sexual liasons, how on earth can one expect sucess elsewhere?)

This might not seemt to be particularly problematic or even worthy of any comment but it has occured to me over the past few months of my move to the US from Asia that I have serious trouble relating to people in my demographic. I feel neither in touch with the white hipsters and sillicon valley yuppies, but nor do I relate well to the blue collar and hip-hop scenes. There are times when I see a dinosaur in the bathrom mirror instead of a 22 year old kid. And there are times when I am tempted to just completely overhaul myself, get rid of all my old clothes, purge my hopeless sense of chivalry and romanticism and make myself anew.

In interactions with women well over my age, in their 30s and 40s, I generally do pretty well. Many have told me they find me interesting or unusually mature, and are usually happy to swap numbers and become casual friends. There is a animal shelter in the outer Haight where I volunteer at every so often and most of the women there (an odd mix of white collar bourgeoise and aging hippies) look at me kindly in a sort of maternal, oh lookie at the nice Chinese boy, I'm sure he'll find someone soon sort of way. On the one hand it does make me feel better, but on the other hand it's somewhat pathetic, innit?

I suppose the real problem is that I work from home for the most part, with some part time work in the city. I'm not financially badly off but I don't have a college edicmaction and thus it's hard to meet people in my age range. Even the social acitvities I do (Muay Thai, hip-hop dance and the animal shelter are my current activities.) seem to be skewed towards the late 20s, mid 30s range. Since I've dated older women in the past, I'm not at all opposed to dating people in that demographic, but I bring practically nothing to the table and hence am usually politely if firmly stymied. This is more than I can say for the rejections from younger women, which are usually mean spirited, couched in contemptous language and accompanied with ample eye rolling.

To sound off, I don't want to give the impression (though I probably already have) that I think I'm better, or too good than my contemporaries. I've met plenty of women my age who are far smarter and/or more industrious than myself. Most of them have a meteoric career in the cards. It just seems like I don't have much common ground with them.
Excellent post; I appreciate the fact that you know you're very different from most people your age.
And that's a good thing.
In the first bolded you say you wanted to re invent yourself, or change-- don't.
The world doesn't need more narcissistic, ice cold, clueless, shallow followers, & I meet lots of 20-somethings that are just that.
It makes me cringe.



The world needs more originals, more leaders, more free thinkers & more romantics.
As for your love life- it'll happen, when ya' least expect it
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Old 03-03-2013, 09:06 PM
 
27,957 posts, read 39,624,152 times
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Keep your senses about you. Keep the class going, in time it will repay you greatly.
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Old 03-03-2013, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Chicago IL
1,360 posts, read 1,688,642 times
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I say don't beat yourself up over it Duck. I can see where your coming from and I don't think it has to do with you being old fashioned. I not exactly old-fashioned and I'm for civility than chivalry and for what it sounds like you are doing much better me in the dating world.

Also I can relate to the "you'll find someone someday" lines from people. They mean well but it does feels like a curb stomp on the ego from time to time. LOL

Its does sound like you have found your stride I take that and expand on it. I say make the positives outweigh the negatives.
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Old 03-04-2013, 02:57 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
18,749 posts, read 11,725,695 times
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You're too young to be thinking about the long term. It should be all about the fun at this stage in your life. Life will start to fall into place for you in a couple of more years. The lack of sex part is a bummer and I feel sorry for you in that area. I don't know what to say about that. I hit a long dry spell when I was in my 20's and it just about drove me insane, but it didn't last forever. Just hang in there and go with the flow.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:37 PM
 
Location: SF CA, USA
4,187 posts, read 5,145,931 times
Reputation: 4999
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Bide your time, sweet stuff. I have every confidence you will come into your own with the ladies.

However, you may want to examine your attachment to romanticism and chivalry. As a lifelong pragmatist, those things were never selling points to me. With men who are overly into those things, I've often felt like there was some sort of script written out that I wasn't privy to and which I had no real interest in taking part. Unless you are genuinely looking for a woman who wants to be taken care of and coddled, hold back on that stuff early on. I'm not saying don't show your regard, but don't do it with a flourish and make sure you're not showering a woman with too much too soon.

With my current guy, I'd have to say he is NOT a romantic or very into the concept of chivalry. He holds doors for me when he's ahead of me and whatnot, and he almost always opens his vehicle's door for me before he gets in himself. But I'm not made to feel I'm on a pedestal. Rather the aggregate of his behaviors towards me demonstrates to me that he is reliable and holds me in regard. Chivalrous gestures, depending on how they are made, often feel to me like the man is trying to rush what should be a slow process of building trust, respect and affection, almost like a smoke and mirrors game.
I understand your reservations regarding chivalry. It could be seen as benelovent sexism by some modern women. Just the other day a lady scowled at me when I held the restaraunt door open for her; apparently I didn't realize she had arms. And courting nowadays is effectively dead anyhow, so I don't do things like buy flowers or gifts until the relationship is going strong. (As opposed to previous eras where those were socially accepted ways for a man to show affection and happened before the relationship.)

It's difficult to undo years of upbringing in a very mother dominated household. As an only child without any real masculine role models (no uncles or brothers, dad was very passive, and friends weren't much help), in retrospect it's not surprising that my later interactions with women were tinged with anxiety and doubt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
If I were your age, I'd think you were the bee's knees. You're good-looking and you dress well, so you'd catch my eye, and you're intelligent and articulate with a voice of your own, so you'd catch my brain. Honestly? You remind me of the good points of my ex-husband, which is a very high compliment that I don't give just anyone.

I think really it's more logistics than anything. Right place, right time, and it will come together for you. Promise.
Thank you for that compliment. It's been ages since I heard "bees knees." I think the youngins these days use "hawt" as a blanket term for anything :P.

Logisitics is certainly a problem right now, but there are plenty of guys out there who have it worse off than me and seem to have no trouble finding companionship, romantic, sexual, both or otherwise, so I don't think I can use that as an excuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This, and maturity and superior intelligence, are what you bring to the table. That's a lot more than a lot of other guys.

Are you happy in your line of work, and with your professional prospects for the future? If not, is there any chance you could go to college part-time? If you work from home, it sounds like you might have a flexible work schedule that would accommodate that. Once you qualify for US citizenship, you will qualify for a Pell Grant for college. I realize that's a longer-term goal than what you're looking at here, but...there's nothing wrong with medium-to-long range planning, either.

Sorry you get the contempt & eyeroll treatment, OP. You deserve better.
I'm actually a US citizen because my father is one. I didn't even have to pledge allegiance to the flag and all that jazz, lol. Not much of a patriot of either of my nationalities...

My short term plan is to find better accomdation, start classes at City college and/or UCSF for credits, and then apply in the next academic intake.

As for the contempt, I guess I'm used to it by this point. At least it's better than the uncomprehending stare of doom, because the answer is made clear .

Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
You're too young to be thinking about the long term. It should be all about the fun at this stage in your life. Life will start to fall into place for you in a couple of more years. The lack of sex part is a bummer and I feel sorry for you in that area. I don't know what to say about that. I hit a long dry spell when I was in my 20's and it just about drove me insane, but it didn't last forever. Just hang in there and go with the flow.
Unfortunately in this economy, not thinking about the long term just isn't an option. I would like to do something fun and spontaneous like a book a trip to Europe but it isn't going to happen. In addition, my parents are getting older (I was a very late child) and soon I'll have to think about supporting them and making sure their retirement is happy.

Honestly, the sex issue is driving me insane as well. Hormones don't seem to care very much about context . Apparently it's prime reproduction time and my genes want me to get going before I get eaten by a sabretooth tiger :P.

I don't have the money or social status necessary for escorts and those kind of arrangements, but neither do I have the kind of game needed for regular "pickups." Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any kind of off switch I can press until I have my **** together. So, until then I just have to deal with it I guess.
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