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In my past relationships, I discovered that men who made significantly more money than I do were not good matches. I make a comfortable living, but I don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any means. I can't stand to see people throw money away just because they have it. I had trouble coming to terms with someone needing an $80k dollar car when a $30k car is just as good (among other things).
I wouldn't say that people should stay within their social class, but I can see potential pitfalls to getting involved. I would never deny a relationship with a man who made more money, but I would look carefully at the way he lives his life before going too far.
I agree with you…
I have dated a few men that made ridiculous money..
One being the owner of a corporate business and was a mechanical engineer on the side…
*sigh* he had fancy cars in his lot was his baby, his black corvette fully loaded and custom..
Beautiful home in Woodland Hills, Ca…keyless entry into his home ( Keypad which he had to punch in)…
Down to earth? Initially when we first started dating…
When I went to visit him ( I live 3.5 hours away from him)
I found his lifestyle to be vastly different from mine..
No food in the fridge…only expensive booze everywhere..
His fridge was only stocked with water and vitamin water.!
Why? Because he lived in restaurants..
NIGHTLIFE….was big for him…
VIP to the viper room, the rooftop in DTLA.
I was not big on clubs..and private tables..
He had to have valet everywhere…really? Even the Cheescake factory?
He was so rude to staff and wait staff, felt that they were being paid to do a job and was so demoralizing to them, yet so sweet with me? ( Not allowing me to walk into a gas station to purchase water as he needed to pump gas?)
He tried to drop me off at the front? Lol…
Throwing money at me? I can pay for my own water I have a job..made me feel weird..
Looked down on others…this was a big issues for me..
Bought sold out tickets to the scorpion concert? Paid 500.00? Really?
Had booked a flight to Hawaii and made resort plans without asking me if I could make it? ( I had a job and a son)
Told me flat out “I am not going to wait a year to marry you” “I want to have kids right away” “You will quit work, you will move here, your son will go to the best private school, you will have a nanny to help you with the baby and you can work out”
I was dating him for a total of 4 months mind you..
I realize this may seem like some girls fantasy…but I have family that I am very close to and I was not going to uproot my son to go to another school!
Besides the many red flags and the fact that he was very controlling..I felt like I would be dependant for everything and I could not do it…uggg…
I would rather be with man that makes decent money and lives close by and is a good person..
I used to be of the mindset that these barriers weren't important in a relationship. I still think that in some cases, they aren't, but they CAN overlap with incompatibility. In previous relationships where there was a socioeconomic background gap, it made a difference. I tried to believe it didn't, but in the end, it did. In our case, it wasn't even that OUR finances were so incredibly far apart. It was that we were raised by families with very different socioeconomic backgrounds, and the result of that was that we had incredibly different values ingrained within us. It didn't come out until we were already together for a while. Obviously, I'm doing much better with somebody with shared, compatible values.
I definitely believe in "dating within your own league." The times where I gave a chance to someone that was not on my level, it blew up in my face. Surprisingly, the best looking, most intelligent, and successful men treated me the best. The ugliest and sketchiest guy of average intelligence that I dated, completely screwed with my head, cheated on me, and always lied about everything. Let's just say, if you don't like something about someone from the very beginning, don't proceed with the relationship.
I think there are a lot of delusional people saying that. There are the poverty-stricken, there are one-percenters, there are two-percenters, and then there's the rest of us. The folks who think there is a huge disparity between someone one who makes $85K and someone who makes $50K are missing the forest for the trees. Newsflash: You're all middle-class.
I agree. But having known people intimately who truly do believe that their $85K salary makes them better/smarter/higher caliber of person/a harder worker/deserving of more respect or admiration as a person, etc. than someone pulling $35K, there are those who feel differently.
I don't truly care how much someone makes. The important thing is that our values and attitudes about money and income are compatible. That's not as likely, say, when you're somebody who is of the "This job is important to me, and I'll work in this field, because it's what I love, despite the fact that the pay is modest" school of thought, when you're with somebody who truly believes that breaking the $100K salary mark makes you a better person than you were before.
I was raised to find a career path that makes you happy. He was raised to find a career path that your relatives can brag about.
I was raised that character is what earns you respect. He was raised that having the most money earns you respect.
I was raised that you value people based on how they treat others. He was raised that you value people based on what they earn or what their profession is.
I was raised to believe that people in "helping" professions contribute valuable things to society, whether or not they are paid well to do so. He was raised to believe that anybody who would work for a low amount of money is a sucker with no ambition.
I knew how to adjust my lifestyle/budget/expectations to reflect the type of income my choices yielded. When he wasn't making what he considered to be a "respectable" amount of money, he spent all his time frustrated and angry that he couldn't afford x,y,z things that would impress others. I grew up knowing how to be happy with little $$$. He had absolutely no experience with being told as a child, "I'm sorry, but we don't have the money for that right now." Everything he ever needed or wanted was given to him, monetarily, at least.
These discrepancies affect your character and worldview,and they matter. When I met him, he was, I suppose, "slumming it," in his mind, for a while...but the stuff he'd always been conditioned to believe was the most important never left him, as it turned out.
I can definitely see how the disparity in income could be indicative of a differences in values, and that in turn could lead to compatibility issues. This is encouraging to hear, actually because I had initially considered the argument to date close to your own income to be indefensible. I still don't think it's a hard fast rule, but I'm willing to soften my own perspective on the matter having heard some of the posts on this thread.
I agree with you…
I have dated a few men that made ridiculous money..
One being the owner of a corporate business and was a mechanical engineer on the side…
*sigh* he had fancy cars in his lot was his baby, his black corvette fully loaded and custom..
Beautiful home in Woodland Hills, Ca…keyless entry into his home ( Keypad which he had to punch in)…
Down to earth? Initially when we first started dating…
When I went to visit him ( I live 3.5 hours away from him)
I found his lifestyle to be vastly different from mine..
No food in the fridge…only expensive booze everywhere..
His fridge was only stocked with water and vitamin water.!
Why? Because he lived in restaurants..
NIGHTLIFE….was big for him…
VIP to the viper room, the rooftop in DTLA.
I was not big on clubs..and private tables..
He had to have valet everywhere…really? Even the Cheescake factory?
He was so rude to staff and wait staff, felt that they were being paid to do a job and was so demoralizing to them, yet so sweet with me? ( Not allowing me to walk into a gas station to purchase water as he needed to pump gas?)
He tried to drop me off at the front? Lol…
Throwing money at me? I can pay for my own water I have a job..made me feel weird..
Looked down on others…this was a big issues for me..
Bought sold out tickets to the scorpion concert? Paid 500.00? Really?
Had booked a flight to Hawaii and made resort plans without asking me if I could make it? ( I had a job and a son)
Told me flat out “I am not going to wait a year to marry you” “I want to have kids right away” “You will quit work, you will move here, your son will go to the best private school, you will have a nanny to help you with the baby and you can work out”
I was dating him for a total of 4 months mind you..
I realize this may seem like some girls fantasy…but I have family that I am very close to and I was not going to uproot my son to go to another school!
Besides the many red flags and the fact that he was very controlling..I felt like I would be dependant for everything and I could not do it…uggg…
I would rather be with man that makes decent money and lives close by and is a good person..
I was raised to find a career path that makes you happy. He was raised to find a career path that your relatives can brag about.
I was raised that character is what earns you respect. He was raised that having the most money earns you respect.
I was raised that you value people based on how they treat others. He was raised that you value people based on what they earn or what their profession is.
I was raised to believe that people in "helping" professions contribute valuable things to society, whether or not they are paid well to do so. He was raised to believe that anybody who would work for a low amount of money is a sucker with no ambition.
I knew how to adjust my lifestyle/budget/expectations to reflect the type of income my choices yielded. When he wasn't making what he considered to be a "respectable" amount of money, he spent all his time frustrated and angry that he couldn't afford x,y,z things that would impress others. I grew up knowing how to be happy with little $$$. He had absolutely no experience with being told as a child, "I'm sorry, but we don't have the money for that right now." Everything he ever needed or wanted was given to him, monetarily, at least.
These discrepancies affect your character and worldview,and they matter. When I met him, he was, I suppose, "slumming it," in his mind, for a while...but the stuff he'd always been conditioned to believe was the most important never left him, as it turned out.
You sound very 'evolved' for a contemporary American. Today people do things mostly just for money. In many other parts of the world people still do things for 'experience' or spiritual satisfaction. Living in Voluntary poverty to follow your art or passion is very rare now. People that think as you do are more intelligent because your path leads to contentment.
You sound very 'evolved' for a contemporary American. Today people do things mostly just for money. In many other parts of the world people still do things for 'experience' or spiritual satisfaction. Living in Voluntary poverty to follow your art or passion is very rare now. People that think as you do are more intelligent because your path leads to contentment.
Don't sell contemporary Americans short. We have largely become an entitlement-minded culture of materialism and consumerism, yes. But there are 313 million of us, and not everyone is driven by the quest for material gain. There are still a lot of people out there who are not vain, are completely satisfied by the simple things in life and are perfectly happy to make due with what they have. The sad thing is this segment is often written off as "lacking ambition" and the proclivity to make such judgments against some is exhibited right here on this forum. Often. So while I cannot completely condemn your statement because I do believe you are right, I do not think that it is an accurate statement when applied on too broad a scope.
I think that my argument proves itself by the answers given in this very thread. Several posters have stated that they date within their own income (which I've stated we're using as a proxy for social class) even though they know it means less material well-being in favor of a partner who is more compatible with themselves do to values, lifestyle, etc... I think that's a significant part of the discussion and is something I had not even considered prior to initiating this thread.
You sound very 'evolved' for a contemporary American. Today people do things mostly just for money. In many other parts of the world people still do things for 'experience' or spiritual satisfaction. Living in Voluntary poverty to follow your art or passion is very rare now. People that think as you do are more intelligent because your path leads to contentment.
Accepting that some careers that might be appealing to you may not earn top dollar, and being okay with that isn't exactly synonymous with voluntary poverty, though. I wouldn't consider myself to be poverty-stricken in the least, just a middle-class, modest income-level earner in a standard human services-type profession. To some, this is clearly "poverty," but that's really all in perspective.
I don't know about "evolved." I just know how I was raised. I do know that my mentality isn't the most common among certain circles, but I have learned to choose my circles pretty carefully to include people with compatible values. I do know that I'm never again going to tolerate condescension and rudeness being flung at me because I choose to spend my time helping disadvantaged and disabled kids, or have the implication be that I "couldn't do any better," or lack ambition simply because the work that makes me feel most useful and happy doesn't lead to a corner office, an condo off Central Park, season tickets to the Yankees, or other trappings that I couldn't care less about.
I really do think that there are plenty of people who do see the value in finding a balance in monetary achievements and their own personal spiritual wellbeing (I don't mean spiritual in a religious context, I mean within the context of focus on one's own personal fulfillment and happiness). Not everyone gets trapped on the ladder-climbing game if they don't wanna be there.
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