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It was not a good feeling. It certainly took me full circle. I had to sit here and talk it out with my boyfriend, what I saw, how it made me feel, and what it meant for my understanding of my past with him.
My ex was an emotional and verbal abuser. That is one. When I finally got away, no one understood why I would have left such a wonderful man. My church family, neighbors, co-workers, just everyone. For the kids and I, there was inside J and outside J. We saw inside J and everyone else, including his own family only saw outside J.
Outside J was a wonderful church going man who was just perfect. Inside J belittles us, called us names, yelled at us, the whole nine yards. All these years later, I am friendly enough with him, and he finally realizes he cannot control me and he cannot yell at me, etc. I have control of myself, and no one else does.
I saw him be a little bossy with her the Christmas before last, but besides that, they seem to be a great couple that gets along, etc. Today I met them with my daughter and he yelled at her, his girlfriend. He treated her as though she was a child, and she responded as such. She acted like she had just been scolded by her father after having done something wrong and held her head low. She answered to him.
I stood there in disbelief as I looked at them both. They looked at one another and then at me and we all just stood there kind of quiet for a minute. It felt like forever.
I came home and got a shower and thought it all through in my mind and came and talked to my SO about it. All this time, I thought maybe my ex had changed. Maybe he met the woman he was meant to be with and they were happy together as equals. Today is the first time I realized that I had finally met outside J a few years ago and he let inside J slip out infront of me today.
All this time I have been seeing the man that my friends and neighbors, my family and church family, everyone we knew as a couple saw. I have been seeing the reason they could not believe I left such a wonderful man.
I felt bad for her that he is that man to her, and that he treated her that way in front of me. I hope she doesn't wait 16 years to leave him like I did.... I can't believe what I saw today, but I really don't know why I was so surprised. I almost just wanted to yell at him right there because she was me from years ago. It took me a while after I left him to be able to stand up for myself and it took even longer for me to understand that he was not allowed to control me.
Today when I saw him do that to her I wanted to scream out and just smack him for all the times he had done it to me.
Pik,
I'm happy that you got out when you did, and sorry that you had to see that again. I hope for her sake that this guy's girlfriend wises up and moves on. If he is that brazen in public, I can't imagine what is going on behind the scenes.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I'm so sorry you had to watch that. It could serve as a reminder that you did the right thing. I hope the other girl decides at some point not to accept this kind of treatment.
Pik,
I'm happy that you got out when you did, and sorry that you had to see that again. I hope for her sake that this guy's girlfriend wises up and moves on. If he is that brazen in public, I can't imagine what is going on behind the scenes.
I know for sure he did not mean to do that in public, and he certainly did not mean for me to see it. He has been nothing but white picket fence with her in front of me. That slipped. I know what is going on behind the scenes. He will bring her down to a place where she feels she is nothing and no one and will wonder what she can do to make him just love her more. He is a controller and a manipulator. His mother does it along side him and it is awful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I'm so sorry you had to watch that. It could serve as a reminder that you did the right thing. I hope the other girl besides at some point not to accept this kind of treatment.
Thank you.... The big eye opener for me was seeing what the people we knew as a couple saw on the outside. All this time I thought maybe he had changed, but I realized what I have been seeing is the same facade that everyone we knew saw when we were married. Back then, all I knew was when my eyes opened. For the most part, it wasn't as bad as I realized, because it was my own normalcy. It was when realized that our life was not normal that I saw how he treated us.
At that point, I didn't understand why no one else saw it....until today. I haven't been seeing 'changed J' I've been seeing outside J. I had only known that person as an act that was upheld in front of people we knew.
I am truly so very sorry to hear about your ex's apparent ongoing abuse with his new partner, my dear friend Pikantari, and especially that you had to witness it and have it bring back those painful memories, for you ((sympathetic hugs)) You would think he would have learned his lesson the first time around, and at least tried to become a better person...
If anything, I am so happy and glad that your current SO is so loving, caring, and gentle to you...b/c that kind of loving TLC is exactly the kind of affectionate treatment that you definitely deserve to have, my friend!
I dated (and lived with)an emotionally abusive man and the scars are often just as bad as physical. He would say and do so many evil things to me, including belittling me in front of his friends. These men never change and because they don't often physically abuse people think they are nice guys. They aren't.
Btw, many know I am strongly anti divorce but I truly feel if my partner was verbally abusive I would dump him. These men often think they are superior to women and horrible men.
Sorry you had to see that, Pik. I hope the woman gets away from him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou
Btw, many know I am strongly anti divorce but I truly feel if my partner was verbally abusive I would dump him. These men often think they are superior to women and horrible men.
True. Unless someone, usually another man, beats the tar out of them.
It happens. Not that I'm promoting that. Just that these cowards tend to become so arrogant that they become more and more brazen, as this man did with doing it in front of Pik and her daughter, and they run the risk that one day, they'll do it to someone whose father or brother doesn't take kindly to it.
And sadly many if not most will become physically abusive as well. The ex I talked about was emotionally abusive but never hit me but then something happened. I don't remember what happened or why but he grabbed my nipple and twisted it through my shirt then LAUGHED. Didn't apologize, din't make excuses, thought it was funny. I knew he would become physically abusive if I didn't leave because he was exhibiting some weird other behavior like getting in fights with men because they stared at me (and of course they did I was hot and my ex was an sloppy alcoholic).
Yep. He and his mother went to the magistrates office and told them I wasn't safe to be around other people (OMG) and the police came and picked me up one night around midnight and I had to be there until 6 in the morning the next day.
What happened is they determined I was just fine, not mental, etc, etc, and I was able to tell them all of the things he and his mother did and it went on record. I went back up a few days later to see if I could get a report of all of that and the people in charge told me they normally don't release those but she gave it to me anyway. She told me to get away from him because with his behaviors, physical abuse was next.
I was able to leave a little over a month later and it was the best thing I could have ever done. I surely had to take a lot of time to heal and for a long time I still felt like I was under his control.
I could never tell you the date or the time, but there was one day when he tried to do something to be controlling over me and I just did not let him. I let him have it. I went off on the man. It was the most freeing day of my life.
It's been over five years now and I am happy in a relationship with my SO, and if the need arouse, I would gladly stick my Harley boot up my exes azz.
Only cowardly men exhibit these behaviors. It was good for me to see him and believe him to be 'outside J' because now I can understand how all of those years ago, everyone I knew thought I was crazy to even think he treated me that way. Like I wouldn't know how he treated me. But why would they believe anything any different? Now I saw what they saw, and I am more understanding of how they were. Back then it felt like I had to fight for someone to believe me until he started crumbling and people began to witness it for themselves...
I just hope she doesn't stay around for 16 years like I did...
She probably wouldn't even listen if you went to her to tell her you understood.
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((sympathetic hugs)) You would think he would have learned his lesson the first time around, and at least tried to become a better person... 
