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So, this is has been an issue for me for a long time now, and by long time I mean since the Neolithic.
Basically my problem is when I see someone I'm attracted to, which happens fairly often, my mind automatically assumes that they're out of my league, or that they're attached, or that there's no way this'll work. These negative thoughts are irrational but persistent, and it's difficult to break out of this loop.
Recently what I've been doing is to approach and talk to a few strangers every day, including non-romantic interests, and when it comes to guys the anxiety is usually not a problem, but when it comes to women I'm attracted to, it becomes incredibly paralyzing. The worst part is when I manage to overcome it and damn the torpedoes, it does turn out that they were not single or that they found me unattractive, and it reinforces the negative pattern.
Do you guys have any ways or thoughts on how to break this mentality? The idea that there is a certain level of attractiveness that is out of my reach and that any approach is futile?
So, this is has been an issue for me for a long time now, and by long time I mean since the Neolithic.
Basically my problem is when I see someone I'm attracted to, which happens fairly often, my mind automatically assumes that they're out of my league, or that they're attached, or that there's no way this'll work. These negative thoughts are irrational but persistent, and it's difficult to break out of this loop.
Recently what I've been doing is to approach and talk to a few strangers every day, including non-romantic interests, and when it comes to guys the anxiety is usually not a problem, but when it comes to women I'm attracted to, it becomes incredibly paralyzing. The worst part is when I manage to overcome it and damn the torpedoes, it does turn out that they were not single or that they found me unattractive, and it reinforces the negative pattern.
Do you guys have any ways or thoughts on how to break this mentality? The idea that there is a certain level of attractiveness that is out of my reach and that any approach is futile?
I think you are already on the right track. Don't box yourself in, which is exactly what people who believe in "leagues" do. Seems like you have a certain comfort zone and are trying to break out of it. Good for you. I encourage you to keep at it. You will have set backs, and not everything is just going to work out nicely every time, but I doubt you'll ever regret pushing yourself outside of your own little comfort zone.
Continue what you're doing! Talk to everyone, all ages and both genders, not just the women you're attracted to. It makes you more comfortable, gets you outside of yourself instead of trapped in your own head/thoughts.
You don't know if someone is in a relationship by looking at them. And just because they weren't interested doesn't mean you're unattractive.
I don't think it has anything to do with leagues or levels of attractiveness, but that your pessimistic outlook is currently very self-defeating. Work on that, become more positive and upbeat, and feeling good about yourself will shine through to others. There are a ton of self-help books out there, although IMO, sometimes audio books are better to listen to - someone telling you to believe in yourself rather than just reading the words that you should.
It's interesting because I was thinking about this the other day. I was terribly shy growing up. I never had a girlfriend until I met and married my first wife. I'd had sex with one other girl and got married when I was 20, but had never had a long-term relationship and had only asked one girl out in my life. But I'm very self-confident and some people even think I'm arrogant. I have no problem speaking in public either. I've completely gotten over the shyness. What I realized is that I didn't fear asking women out because of low self-esteem or feeling rejected. It was simply because of my fear of awkward social situations and embarrassment. Like if a woman turned me down I would not feel less about myself. I would feel it's her loss because I feel like I have a lot to offer. I would just fear that awkward moment when she turned me down. In the same way I fear someone telling me their mom or dad died because I would be afraid of not saying the right thing.
So first I would decide if your issue is shyness, low self-esteem, or just fear of awkward social situations. It sound like low self-esteem as you theorize that they are out of your league. My answer to that is that anyone that thinks they are out of my league, the exact opposite is probably true. I'm out of theirs. Think about your positive qualities. Accentuate the positive and then work on the negative.
Are you talking about cold approaches, or about talking to women who are involved in some of the activities you're in? In other words, are you already somewhat acquainted with the women you choose to talk to, or are they strangers? If you're only doing cold approaches, try talking to the women involved in your leisure and volunteer activities. Some degree of chat probably already happens in the groups situations, anyway, right?
Try not to think of approaching a stranger as a life-and-death proposition. Keep it light and casual. And work on stopping the negative chatter. There's a 50-50 chance they'll be UNattached, a 50% chance in your favor, think of it that way. And remember, it's normal to get a lot of "no, thank you's" for whatever reason (attached, not looking for someone right now, no mutual interest, she may be older than you, too busy to stop and chat, whatever), so you have to take it in stride, and keep moving, keep trying. It may help to remember that some of the women you're cold-approaching would probably have turned out to be not a good match for you, anyway, if you got to know them. This is why getting to know someone through a shared activity is so helpful. You have plenty of opportunity to observe their personality, level of conversation, etc.
Good luck, Duck! Did you say you'd be taking university classes sometime? When does that begin? That might help, to be in that type of environment.
I approach who I want regardless of what league they may be in, but I usually assume (correctly in nearly 100% of my cases) that they are uninterested. I don't approach men as if we'll start dating, but I genuinly enjoy good conversation and really have never had issues approaching strangers. It's amazing how quickly guys will blurt out 'I have a girlfriend' when I start chatting. Look dude, I wasn't going to jump your bones I was just commenting about how nice the weather is. I have no doubts men go through this with strange women as well.
I guess what I'm getting at is that you just have to do it and stop caring about the awkwardness and rejections... after a while they don't affect you as much.
I think it's okay to be arrogant sometimes. Not like cocky and overbearing, but think of all the things that you really like about yourself and all the qualities you have to offer that would make a woman really lucky to be with you. Then if she rejects you tell yourself it's her loss, not a reflection of your unworthiness. Sometimes you just have to think to yourself "I'm freaking awesome and anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth my time."
The other day I saw a really beautiful woman in the elevator with an average at best guy. He wasn't ugly, but she was definitely a lot more beautiful than he was handsome. And she was fawing all over him! So, it's not all about looks. While I think it's true most people end up with someone who is probably on the same attractiveness level as they themselves are that's not always true. And a lot of people with confidence issues sell themselves short and are a lot better looking than they give themselves credit for.
I posted about this in the league thread yesterday started by that weirdo, but it looks like the mods banned him and deleted the thread.
I have a buddy back in Tennessee in his 40s who is average looking, moderately overweight with a pot belly, not rich, and according to him, not particularly well-endowed. His wife is a bona fide knock out. Great body, great face, great personality.
If he had subscribed to the "league" theory, where you only attempt to date those you feel are in your "league," he would not be married to this amazing woman. Instead, when he was single, he subscribed to the "approach the hottest chicks you can find, and in large numbers, because eventually one will say yes" theory. Obviously it worked out for him.
I am single and my friends find me hot. I used to model in my early 20's.
My male friends tell me they would never approach me because they would think I am taken or out of their league. So how am I going to find a partner? Wear ugly clothes and gain weight so guys are not scared of me?
Most men I have dated were below my league optically according to other people. I found them super attractive because they had an edge or charisma or a nice nose or nice eyes. Just something that was attractive and stood out.
So don't give up guys!!!
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