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Is it the whole wanting what you can't have thing? It must be, I can't figure out a real reason why I would really like this guy besides the fact that I will probably never have him. I keep clinging to "good moments" we had in order to try to find the beauty in it all, but it all comes down to this: he doesn't give a rats ass about me and I know it yet can't seem to help myself. I think I'm going to just keep telling myself that until I finally wake up one day and really know it. I don't even want to date anymore because I don't have that kind of desire. And the more I tell myself not to think about him, or when I check to see if I'm not thinking about him, I am.
And why do we let people treat us this way? My grandmother is the sweetest lady albeit a bit too caring in other words can be annoying, and I've seen how terrible my grandfather treated her yet she put up with it and never talked back. In the end, he was the one who passed away first because of his terrible health habits but its not like he was about to miss her because she was always around, and in the end, she's the one grieving for his absence. My mother seems to be going through the same cycle. It's not as worse, but I can only say my dad got really really lucky. I hope it doesn't become a pattern for the women in my family, but I seem to always be taken for granted. When I was younger, my friends took me for granted, but since I was always so sweet to them and always around, they grew to see that and are always there for me now, but it wasn't before they took me for granted. And now I'm seeing guys taking me for granted. I just don't believe in the whole playing hard to get and playing games. Maybe I don't have enough tactic. It's not like I'm even always around, and they recognize my good qualities but don't seem to really appreciate it. I always feel like I just want to pull a disappearing act, but they wouldn't even notice or care.
And I'm not even a doormat at all. I may have been when I was younger, but I'm pretty sassy and I do talk back to a guy if I think he's being a jerk. In fact I usually try to leave first but I've ended up going ba k or taking them back. It's like I know what's good or bad for me and maybe it's really their problems but I just can't seem to help myself sometimes. Or I try so hard not to be mean to people or not to hurt them and I try and forgive them but it doesn't seem to do mich good.
Last edited by Gabriella Geramia; 03-17-2013 at 02:50 AM..
I don't know but I don't like people who don't care about me. I know there's a type of relationship when one (or both) don't admit they like each other but actually they do and both know another person has feelings. But when one is completely indifferent is an unknown situation for me. I've never had such a problem in a relationship and all the guys I liked also liked me. I don't like people who are too open about their feelings, but I think they should have those feelings for me to like them. I've never met a person I like that wouldn't care/like me. For instance I may find a guy physically attractive and may want to have him, but if he's into something it takes me a week to absolutely forget about him. But it's not what you mean, I know. You mean like having deep feelings for that person, but I don't get it how you can like that much someone who doesn't like you at all.
Is it the whole wanting what you can't have thing? It must be, I can't figure out a real reason why I would really like this guy besides the fact that I will probably never have him. I keep clinging to "good moments" we had in order to try to find the beauty in it all, but it all comes down to this: he doesn't give a rats ass about me and I know it yet can't seem to help myself. I think I'm going to just keep telling myself that until I finally wake up one day and really know it. I don't even want to date anymore because I don't have that kind of desire. And the more I tell myself not to think about him, or when I check to see if I'm not thinking about him, I am.
And why do we let people treat us this way? My grandmother is the sweetest lady albeit a bit too caring in other words can be annoying, and I've seen how terrible my grandfather treated her yet she put up with it and never talked back. In the end, he was the one who passed away first because of his terrible health habits but its not like he was about to miss her because she was always around, and in the end, she's the one grieving for his absence. My mother seems to be going through the same cycle. It's not as worse, but I can only say my dad got really really lucky. I hope it doesn't become a pattern for the women in my family, but I seem to always be taken for granted. When I was younger, my friends took me for granted, but since I was always so sweet to them and always around, they grew to see that and are always there for me now, but it wasn't before they took me for granted. And now I'm seeing guys taking me for granted. I just don't believe in the whole playing hard to get and playing games. Maybe I don't have enough tactic. It's not like I'm even always around, and they recognize my good qualities but don't seem to really appreciate it. I always feel like I just want to pull a disappearing act, but they wouldn't even notice or care.
And I'm not even a doormat at all. I may have been when I was younger, but I'm pretty sassy and I do talk back to a guy if I think he's being a jerk. In fact I usually try to leave first but I've ended up going ba k or taking them back. It's like I know what's good or bad for me and maybe it's really their problems but I just can't seem to help myself sometimes. Or I try so hard not to be mean to people or not to hurt them and I try and forgive them but it doesn't seem to do mich good.
I think you realize what is going on and you even suggested it in your post. Honey, you are in a horrible cycle that cannot be broken until you either read enough self-help books on the subject or you seek professional help for it. You really cannot help the way you are. As a child this was what you observed love to be between adults of the opposite sex. You really are searching for love, so don't beat yourself up about it, but your deepest ideas of love were rooted into you as a child, yet these were wrong and not love at all. This is something you have to keep telling yourself-maybe by telling yourself in the mirror, "My idea of love, deeply rooted in me as a child is wrong, I must visualize and seek a healthier loving relationship instead." Strange how strong the sub-conscious is over our waking thoughts. So that's why I'm going to suggest you seek professional help sweetie. I wish you the very best of luck.
the givers have to recognize the red flags before they get walked on, and its not so difficult,
when you first start dating someone, they usually show you there BEST behavior, so if they have poor manners or are arrogant, it only gets worse
recognize, how they treat kids,mothers, dogs, friends, recognize if its always someone elses fault for their problems
dont dismiss the little red flags so eargerly to "get along"
if you've had a string of bad luck going with losers, then be a bit more perceptive,
the givers in life, should fing another giver-just keep in mind, maybe the men givers arent as exciting as the losers, but that excitement comes at a price.
My wife tells me not to worry if people don't like me. She said other people aren't like me, and don't do as I do. I told her I understand, and that is a shame.
OP, have you dated anyone who appreciates your good qualities? Oftentimes someone who's more distant or just has more going on in his life seems more attractive than the guy who's always available. The key is to find that balance. Most people don't want to be smothered but they also don't want to be ignored. I think it's important to ask yourself why you find someone attractive in that moment. If it's largely because that person is physically or emotionally unavailable and you feel like you need to "do more" to keep him, tread lightly.
I used to fall for guys who rejected me...it is several things, IMO. One, I had a childhood in which I felt abandoned when my Dad died and then spent my childhood clinging to my older brother, who alternately rejected me and embraced me, so that felt like normal love to me. Two, many times with guys like this, they start off over the moon, so when they "turn" we keep thinking there are reasons, and if we are patient that guy from the beginning will come back (he never does).
There is also IMO some form of operant conditioning at work (if you remember high school psychology), which shows intermittent rewards breed addiction in people (like slot machines, when you lose, lose, lose, win, lose, lose lose, win).
The only way through is work on yourself, and having strong boundaries about what you want in a relationship. I wasted years on the wrong guys, but now have a guy who made it all worth it. If people are taking you for granted, somewhere you may have faulty thinking that being nice and agreable will earn you love, and when you change that faulty thought pattern you will get different results.
I was / am just like you. I like the affirmation the other poster (gingersnap) wrote and will use it myself. Read the book Women who love too much. Take seriously the suggestions in one of the last chapters- the 10 steps. There is also a website community for Women who love too much. Meanwhile, focus on yourself, give to others only when they are reciprocating (you can give first but it can't always be one sided.) , be available for men, especially the ones you want to date when it is convenient for you. This is not a game. I will also suggest having things you like to do and friends, maybe classes of some sort on a regular basis. You will build self esteem this way and legitimately be busy sometimes because you are focused on you. Be who you are. If you're super sweet, so be it. But that does not mean bending over backwards for people who do not act the same way for you. And don't make the mistake of assuming the rest of the world is as good hearted as you. I still think , though I could be wrong, most of the world is, but the quickest way to being hurt is not being able to see "bad" people because you are so good. There are some a**holes out there. Good luck
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