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It's all tied together though. Compatibility is part of what makes two people keep sex up. Over a 20 year marriage, no one is going to want to have sex all the time, especially as we get older...it's something you have to do anyway, want to or not, but if you were never that happy with your partner as a lover, if you never felt truly satisfied with them, it stands to reason the frequency and desire is going to decline.
You still need that natural chemistry to exist. It seems people feel it's not as important as mental chemistry, that it can be worked around if you like each other and it doesn't really matter, but that's not true for me.
Do you think the media or Hollywood has changed the way we all view what chemistry is? What is considered attractive. The indirect results of watching magazine covers at grocery stores.
Do you think the media or Hollywood has changed the way we all view what chemistry is? What is considered attractive. The indirect results of watching magazine covers at grocery stores.
Nah.
Chemistry isn't about finding someone who looks like they could be some sort of model. It's a combination of all the sensory input. Smell is really important, and not just that he doesn't smell bad, but that he smells good. His own natural smell, is pleasing. I think this is that histocompability or hormonal thing, they've done some science about that. And then there are other particulars that each woman finds attractive or not. Some like beards. Some like clean cut men. Some like abs. My own particulars...I prefer older, slightly (but not hugely) overweight, short (within about 6" of my height), middle aged, geeky interests, intellectual, still has his hair...because the last two AMAZING lovers who did things that felt really, really good to me, fit that description. And bald guys often remind me of my Dad, so I usually don't find them appealing. Though one of my lovers now is bald, and he doesn't, but he gets to be an exception, not a rule. More important than all of that appearance stuff though? How he talks, how he looks at me, his energy (smooth and relaxed, or jumpy and twitchy?) his voice, his scent, etc etc. Oh, and if he touches me, even in small ways during initial meetings, that can convey things too.
But see, you ask 10 women to describe a man who sparked "chemistry" with them and you're going to get 10 different answers, and that's why the term "chemistry" is a thing...it's meant to convey that wonderful thing where two people connect and suit one another well, and please one another in many subtle ways.
You can see your favorite actor or actress on a magazine cover and admire how hot they are, but that does not remotely mean you've got any chemistry with them in any fashion!
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Nah.
Chemistry isn't about finding someone who looks like they could be some sort of model. It's a combination of all the sensory input.
Exactly. Chemistry is there or it isn't. It isn't influenced by media, it's known by butterflies and giddiness that occurs, or it doesn't. It can't be forced.
I've tried (to force it) a few times (with one person I sent Hivemind an OKC profile of) because they were smart, fun, ridiculously good looking, etc... but it just wasn't there.
Chemistry isn't about finding someone who looks like they could be some sort of model. It's a combination of all the sensory input. Smell is really important, and not just that he doesn't smell bad, but that he smells good. His own natural smell, is pleasing. I think this is that histocompability or hormonal thing, they've done some science about that. And then there are other particulars that each woman finds attractive or not. Some like beards. Some like clean cut men. Some like abs. My own particulars...I prefer older, slightly (but not hugely) overweight, short (within about 6" of my height), middle aged, geeky interests, intellectual, still has his hair...because the last two AMAZING lovers who did things that felt really, really good to me, fit that description. And bald guys often remind me of my Dad, so I usually don't find them appealing. Though one of my lovers now is bald, and he doesn't, but he gets to be an exception, not a rule. More important than all of that appearance stuff though? How he talks, how he looks at me, his energy (smooth and relaxed, or jumpy and twitchy?) his voice, his scent, etc etc. Oh, and if he touches me, even in small ways during initial meetings, that can convey things too.
But see, you ask 10 women to describe a man who sparked "chemistry" with them and you're going to get 10 different answers, and that's why the term "chemistry" is a thing...it's meant to convey that wonderful thing where two people connect and suit one another well, and please one another in many subtle ways.
You can see your favorite actor or actress on a magazine cover and admire how hot they are, but that does not remotely mean you've got any chemistry with them in any fashion!
Good definition of what chemistry should be but in this day and age it is based on more materialistic approach of looks and possessions.
That doesn't apply to all but many where the idea of chemistry would be what you described like describing yourself on a profile but really its not really it
I've never been in a relationship. However, if I was in one, sex would not be the primary base for it. If I'm not married, I am not having sex, period. I would never break up with someone over bad sex. Why? Because I will never have sex outside of marriage. My basis for breaking up with a woman : cheating and abusive behavior.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by green_mariner
I've never been in a relationship. However, if I was in one, sex would not be the primary base for it. If I'm not married, I am not having sex, period. I would never break up with someone over bad sex. Why? Because I will never have sex outside of marriage. My basis for breaking up with a woman : cheating and abusive behavior.
So you actually don't know what you would do and you're just speculating, because you've never been in the situation at all and have no idea what it is like?
So you actually don't know what you would do and you're just speculating, because you've never been in the situation at all and have no idea what it is like?
Got it. Awesome.
I know myself better than anyone else. I know what is a priority for me, and what I will and won't put up with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by green_mariner
I know myself better than anyone else. I know what is a priority for me, and what I will and won't put up with.
And relationships aren't about us and ourselves, or just our priorities. And it is nearly impossible to know how oneself will act in a situation that they haven't experienced. Until then, it is idle speculation and musing, nothing more.
I've never been in a relationship. However, if I was in one, sex would not be the primary base for it. If I'm not married, I am not having sex, period. I would never break up with someone over bad sex. Why? Because I will never have sex outside of marriage. My basis for breaking up with a woman : cheating and abusive behavior.
But your a virgin right? You've never had sex before. Maybe that gives you an advantage. Either you get married and have a good sex life or you get married and the sex isn't good but you don't know better so you adjust. Or in time you start to want something better and feel disatisifed. But without having sex I guess it's a time will tell matter. One thing that makes a difference is that your faith and beliefs will most likely cause you to stick around even if it was bad so I guess it's moot to even talk about it since you aren't leaving over Sex even if it was bad.
Good definition of what chemistry should be but in this day and age it is based on more materialistic approach of looks and possessions.
That doesn't apply to all but many where the idea of chemistry would be what you described like describing yourself on a profile but really its not really it
I'm sorry but I can not agree with you at all. Not from a woman's perspective. I don't know any woman, ANY WOMAN for whom actual chemistry is about looks or possessions.
They might well fake it because they are materialistic and want the possessions. They might give it a go for a man who is good looking. But that does not mean that she feels the chemistry. The spark. The fire, the hunger. Example: My Mom, and her second marriage. Her parents pressured her to marry this man because he had a lot of money. He was very willing to spend it on her. She enjoyed the fun things they did together, because he had the money to afford them. But there was no chemistry. She faked it even though his kinks squicked her out and bothered her. She faked it long enough to get married, and even though she found out he was kind of controlling. But when I went to visit, and she spent time with me, and he forbade me to visit any more because he didn't like her giving attention to anyone other than him (not even her kids!) she had that marriage annulled and went her way.
Never, never, did she feel "chemistry" with him simply because he was rich. And even if he'd been her perfect idea of good looking, between the kinks she didn't dig and the controlling stuff he would have put her off sooner or later.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are no such things really as leagues, unless one is on the very most extreme end of some spectrum...but look how many people disagree about even whether Angelina Jolie is hot or gross? The men my Mom finds sexy, I find repulsive. And vice versa. And most of the women who marry for money, wind up unhappy because they faked it either out of materialism or a sense of duty (what they think they are "supposed" to do) and end up divorced...and taking half sometimes.
That is not chemistry. Chemistry is when you're completely turned on by some rogue even though you can't understand why and you know he'd be bad for you. Chemistry is when there's a woman you've got no business liking, maybe she's crazy, or you work together, or she's married...but not only do you find her beautiful, you obsess over every little thing about her and you just can't stop yourself. People don't always act on chemistry. But it's so much more than "Is he hot? Is he rich?"
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