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I know I'm an idiot. A big-hearted idiot. The whole reason I made this post is because I'm tired of working on two people... myself and him. Its a one-sided relationship. I forget what an actual partnership is, and sometimes I forget who I am, because I'm too busy trying to fix him.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself! You're 21, there's a learning curve to this kind of stuff
Just do your best to learn the lessons life is teaching you so you won't waste your time making the same mistakes over and over again
OP, you're no idiot. Contrary to the political correctness here....I'm not going to go there and call him "loser", "worthless", "lazy", etc. when this economy pretty much sucks, but he still needs to have some sense of motivation.
I'm not defending his actions, though, but I think this relationship is pretty hard on you since it's one-sided and you both are in different stages in your lives. If that is bothering you and wasting up too much of your energy, you may have to let him go. At least you tried and gave him a chance. Hopefully he can change, or you can find someone else who is right for you. Good luck.
Just an aside, you might want to look up the definition of "political correctness"
Because if anyone here were being politically correct NO ONE would have called the guy a loser. Just sayin'
He probably gets a condescending vibe from you that is making him call you 'high and mighty'. His parents aren't giving him the support, motivation, or ambition for him to grow up. Yes, it may come as a shocker but sometimes children don't grow up magically at age 18. I know 33 yr old guys who are still living at home, unemployed, working on their 'music' and basically having it easy because they really have no motivation. However, him not maturing is making you suffer and that pregnancy scare is no joke. You should really think twice about having a baby with someone who can't really take care of himself yet.
I am really wary of dating a guy who dates girls who are 5 or more years younger than them it just shows they are too immature to date girls their age. You do seem mature for your age but the things you listed like never left his parents house, never had a license (these don't make a person really mature it just makes them more independent) plays video games often, watches sports like they're going out of style, watches tv shows over and over, LOVES beer (these are normal guy things) drinks almost daily and still thinks smoking weed is awesome (this is an alcoholism problem and he could have a drug problem as well. Do you really want a baby with someone who is an alcoholic and may have a drug problem? Looking for a job that has less hard work and less hours ( lazyness and unmotivated at his job. He'll have trouble keeping a job with this mentality). He doesn't understand the situation with your car because he doesn't drive and never spent money keeping a car.
You're not judgemental. You obviously love him for putting up with him and his immature ways and possible problems he may have, also putting up this post about you and him. You can however be the emotional and motivational support he is lacking. Teach him to drive then try to get him to join AA. If he doesn't want your help then you should try to move on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alerion
Hi!
Alright, so I've got a bit of an issue I would like some input on... Brace yourselves for this one.
I'm 21 going on 22 and am very mature for my age, I work a full time job, have two credit cards and an outstanding credit score, a very nice vehicle I bought myself, live by myself... you get the idea. My boyfriend, who's 25 going on 26, is the exact opposite. He's never left his parents house, never had a drivers license (by choice), plays video games often, watches sports like they're going out of style, watches TV shows over and over, LOVES beer and drinks almost daily, and still thinks smoking weed is awesome. He does have a job at a factory, but is currently looking for a job that is less "hard work" and less hours. We've had our ups and downs. We've broken up twice, but wind up getting back together on the promises that he's changed. Don't get me wrong, he has done excellent qualities - he's wonderful emotional support, very caring... sweet. But he just seems to lack common sense. We had a pregnancy scare recently and his biggest concern was that having a child would force him to "grow up". I've had some car problems lately (lots of repairs) and he doesn't understand why I am so concerned about getting it taken care of asap. I sometimes ask him to put gas in my car (since he doesn't have one and I do ALL of the driving), and he'll say he's broke... then turn around and buy some booze or a new Xbox game. I feel bad for him because his parents don't push him, encourage him, or inspire him, and I feel like that's why he lacks any and all ambition. At the same time... he's an adult and should utilize his potential without the push from his family. Am I right? Am I too judgemental? He's told me before I act too "high and mighty" because I have my life together pretty well for someone my age... what do you think?
-Alerion
Last edited by sweet_kiss1; 03-20-2013 at 11:25 PM..
OP, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are polar opposite, and I don't mean that in a positive way. I am sure his parents did him no favor raising him to be so unmotivated, but he is an adult now and can make his own decisions and have his own goals, or in his case lack there of. I don't really see that changing much. Being a nice guy and being sweet is fine, but there is a lot more to a relationship than that. It has got to be hard for you to not be dragged down to his level I would think. There is no reason that he should not help you with gas being as you do all the driving except that his priorities are not with you or helping you out, but for his own desires, such as an Xbox game. You sound like you are a very responsible young woman and that you have a lot to offer. Move forward with your life.
Seems to me, that you need to find someone more compatible with you. Let him go and move forward. Women have a tendency to love through others, one day you will even know what that means. Assume that he will never change in the ambition department, its usualy the most accurate assumption someone in your position could ever make. People do change, but they change because they want to, not because someone wishes they would. Unless you are ready to accept all of him as he is today, you should move on.
Alright, so I've got a bit of an issue I would like some input on... Brace yourselves for this one.
I'm 21 going on 22 and am very mature for my age, I work a full time job, have two credit cards and an outstanding credit score, a very nice vehicle I bought myself, live by myself... you get the idea. My boyfriend, who's 25 going on 26, is the exact opposite. He's never left his parents house, never had a drivers license (by choice), plays video games often, watches sports like they're going out of style, watches TV shows over and over, LOVES beer and drinks almost daily, and still thinks smoking weed is awesome. He does have a job at a factory, but is currently looking for a job that is less "hard work" and less hours. We've had our ups and downs. We've broken up twice, but wind up getting back together on the promises that he's changed. Don't get me wrong, he has done excellent qualities - he's wonderful emotional support, very caring... sweet. But he just seems to lack common sense. We had a pregnancy scare recently and his biggest concern was that having a child would force him to "grow up". I've had some car problems lately (lots of repairs) and he doesn't understand why I am so concerned about getting it taken care of asap. I sometimes ask him to put gas in my car (since he doesn't have one and I do ALL of the driving), and he'll say he's broke... then turn around and buy some booze or a new Xbox game. I feel bad for him because his parents don't push him, encourage him, or inspire him, and I feel like that's why he lacks any and all ambition. At the same time... he's an adult and should utilize his potential without the push from his family. Am I right? Am I too judgemental? He's told me before I act too "high and mighty" because I have my life together pretty well for someone my age... what do you think?
-Alerion
Expecting mature behavior from an immature person? Believing his promises, to be something he can't at the moment seem to be, such as mature? Why not let him show you with actions rather than promises that he will be more of what you're looking for? The other issue is selfishness, don't let him use you for rides unless he puts gas in the car before hand. Selfishness you can control by not allowing him to be selfish with you. Immaturity, not so much. It is up to you weather or not you wish to be with someone immature.
Here's a question that no one has asked. What if you miss your oppertunity to meet that special someone because you are waisting time on this person who obvoiusly doesn't love you enough to put you first in his life? Don't just be with him because he's comfortable and fimiliar.... You deserve more!!
What if you were to get pregant? Now you have a beautiful baby that you are supporting on your own. Fighting in court for some kind of child support, because he won't willingly help. And you are tied to this person for the rest of your life!!!!
Someone else suggested you leave him and go out and make friends.. Be alone for awhile. Allow yourself to be available when the right person comes along. If he's 26 and still living in his parents basement..... run!!!
You teach people how to treat you. By what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. In otherwords, what you put up with is what you will end up with!
Have you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood? Or Codependent No More by Melody Beattie?
I would suggest that you do both. You are enabling him, what you are seeing is the "real" him, he is not the man you "wish/know" he could be.
This guy has nothing to offer you and most likely...never will...you are too young to be bothered with his nonsense. Let is mommy deal with him.
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