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We had a lengthy and contentious conversation about it last night and she really does not want to go. One reason that was bigger than I thought is that my parents--each aged 72--would be about a 2.5 hour drive away. She believes that is too close, which is insane. I knew she did not like my parents but I didn't realize it would be such a negative factor.
So it's boiled down to three things, in my view:
1. She doesn't like Chicago in general. She hasn't lived in the Midwest since she was 17 and left for college at Columbia, so it's been 21 years.
2. Too close to my parents. I'm not willing to destroy my marriage over forcing her to move, but I'm more than a little pissed that she is sentencing my parents to rarely seeing their grandkids.
3. Leaving her job. She has a love/hate relationship with her job, and her frequent pleas of "get me home" are apparently not as meaningful as I thought.
I'm not sure I can overcome these, even with the prospect of financial security and giving her the flexibility to stay home.
For me, it's more than that. We're renters, and our building is going "co-op", which means we need to find a new place to live by about May of next year. In our price range, we cannot buy in our neighborhood and will have a hard time finding a comparable place to rent.
From a job perspective (if I'm to be the sole breadwinner), it's an easy choice. The new job is a great opportunity and pretty well compensated.
I know there's no easy answer, but I just feel like we're going to hell in a handbasket. I also love NYC and this move would feel like trading in a Mercedes for a Buick, though the Buick makes infinitely more sense.
Well thanks for the additional info.
I agree w/ her on Chicago, it's not a good place to be.
But, with your particular situation, I'd have to agree w/ you considering all of these details.
She is sounding like a spoiled brat at this point.
Thanks again for all of your advice. Though the financial package was excellent in Chicago, we decided to stay in NYC for now. From a financial and career (mine only) standpoint, it made total sense for us to move. But many other factors (including her career abruptly ending) pointed to not moving.
My wife just could not be brought around to the idea of leaving her job while unwinding our excellent and carefully constructed school, speech therapy and nanny situations to move to a city she was never "into" in the first place. The trade-off for her is a big one: she badly wants to stay home with the kids and the reality is that will likely never happen for us in Manhattan. (I must note that her job is flexible enough so that she does many picks/drop offs and sees the kids multiple times per day, so it's not like she leaves at 7:00 a.m. and comes home after they're in bed.)
I get it. I'm not particularly "into" Chicago either, but I have more familiarity with it than she does and was open to giving it a shot. That said, I'm not willing to put our relationship and our kids through hell to move us to a place that neither of us are passionate about.
The most painful fallout for me that I'm a bit sad because I don't think we'll ever move anywhere near the kids' grandparents (my parents), my brother and his family or Lake Michigan now, so that's my biggest regret here.
Sorry things didn't work out how you hoped. I would have voted for going to Chicago. Your wife sounds like a spoiled brat. Refusing to move because you'd be closer to your family? Wow.
You have a tough road ahead. Convincing a wife to move when she doesn't want to will not be easy. I'm sure you have already set down and discussed the future and the possible trouble living in NYC that you see ahead. When you tell her you need to have the best possible situation for your family's survival, does she understand the importance to you? I can see why she wouldn't want to move, many of us hate change. Personally I wouldn't live in either city, Chicago or NYC, not even if someone else paid the house payment. I like a slow, laid back life style, and that is what I have. Fear of the unknown is probably what is bothering your wife, can you find any common ground? In any married relationship there has to be some give and take, it can never be one sided and survive.
I know everyone thinks your wife is a spoiled brat - but if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to move either. Just being honest. I love living in NY. I didn't like Chicago nearly as much. If my husband could work in both places and be successful, I'd take not as much money but really happy in NY than more money but living in Chicago. Now, if our livelihood depended on moving to Chicago, of course I'd go. But this seems more like a preference situation, and I prefer NY.
Thanks again for all of your advice. Though the financial package was excellent in Chicago, we decided to stay in NYC for now. From a financial and career (mine only) standpoint, it made total sense for us to move. But many other factors (including her career abruptly ending) pointed to not moving.
My wife just could not be brought around to the idea of leaving her job while unwinding our excellent and carefully constructed school, speech therapy and nanny situations to move to a city she was never "into" in the first place. The trade-off for her is a big one: she badly wants to stay home with the kids and the reality is that will likely never happen for us in Manhattan. (I must note that her job is flexible enough so that she does many picks/drop offs and sees the kids multiple times per day, so it's not like she leaves at 7:00 a.m. and comes home after they're in bed.)
I get it. I'm not particularly "into" Chicago either, but I have more familiarity with it than she does and was open to giving it a shot. That said, I'm not willing to put our relationship and our kids through hell to move us to a place that neither of us are passionate about.
The most painful fallout for me that I'm a bit sad because I don't think we'll ever move anywhere near the kids' grandparents (my parents), my brother and his family or Lake Michigan now, so that's my biggest regret here.
I'm very sorry for you both. Truly.
Print this thread out and keep it so you can remind yourself of your own words when you are sitting in a therapist office later down the line trying to save your marriage.
For your children's sake, I hope you are able to do that.
I'm still unclear on the whole "She doesn't want to move in part because it would be bad for her career/She wants to be a stay-at-home mom and we can't afford that where we live now but could if we moved" issue. But it does appear to be a moot point, in any case.
I'm still unclear on the whole "She doesn't want to move in part because it would be bad for her career/She wants to be a stay-at-home mom and we can't afford that where we live now but could if we moved" issue. But it does appear to be a moot point, in any case.
My impression is she's sacrificing being a SAHM for the sake of staying in NYC where they're happier. Being a SAHM doesn't override the desire not to live in Chicago.
I'm with Dewdrop in that if it was necessity, I'd move, but because it's only a preference based on his job only, I wouldn't.
It's entirely possible there is a whole other side to this story that we are not getting. Considering we actually are not getting his wife's version of this story. It's easy to call the wife a brat but who knows what her side is?
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