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Was there a trigger? I know there were certain things that would trigger my baggage hang ups the first few years I was with my husband. I recognized them and we talked through them. My husband can be really understanding and patient (sometimes ) and I was gradually able to get rid of that particular baggage. For me, talking helps.
Best of luck to you! From what I know of your posts, you seem like a great guy in a great relationship. I'm sure you'll come out of this stronger than you were before.
Thanks, dewdrop. If I tilt my head and close one eye, I can see what may have been the trigger. She started working towards her second master's degree (needed for the next step in her career) and naturally met a new group of people. One of them is a single guy with whom, as a result of working in the same field and with the same groups of people as her, she has become friends. I have met this guy a few times, and he's a really intelligent and nice person. Whenever she has met up with him to work on school stuff, she brings me along (likely to help dispell any suspicions on my part).
I know jealousy is a real monster, and perhaps that's what started the ball rolling. She actually called me out on it last night, saying that she notices my demeanor change whenever his name is brought up. At first, I tried to deny it, but I eventually owned up to my feelings and told her how I felt. I've been thinking about it since last night and I realize now that I'm being unfair and insensitive by projecting my past onto her (and this guy). He is one of the only people that understands what she's going through at her job and in school, and it's uncool of me to pressure her or make her feel bad for having a friend like that.
So, I'm going to apologize to her tonight (right before we head out to our favorite local bar to meet up with him and a bunch of other people from her class). I regret the way I've been behaving in this area and need to seek her forgiveness.
I went through this. And for me the best things that worked were counseling and focusing on things I needed to improve on with myself. Now that you are in a marriage, you really need to focus on that. If you lose your spouse over this, you will be in way worse shape than you are now. You seem to have a great situation, so your confidence shouldn't be an issue, and she wants to be with you, so you do deserve her and deserve to be happy. I know it's easier said than done, but you really need to stop focusing on the negative and be thankful for the blessings right there in front of you. You have a second chance at happiness, which many people still don't have and may never get.
The bolded is exactly what I need to do...thanks for stating it, Raptor.
Thanks, dewdrop. If I tilt my head and close one eye, I can see what may have been the trigger. She started working towards her second master's degree (needed for the next step in her career) and naturally met a new group of people. One of them is a single guy with whom, as a result of working in the same field and with the same groups of people as her, she has become friends. I have met this guy a few times, and he's a really intelligent and nice person. Whenever she has met up with him to work on school stuff, she brings me along (likely to help dispell any suspicions on my part).
I know jealousy is a real monster, and perhaps that's what started the ball rolling. She actually called me out on it last night, saying that she notices my demeanor change whenever his name is brought up. At first, I tried to deny it, but I eventually owned up to my feelings and told her how I felt. I've been thinking about it since last night and I realize now that I'm being unfair and insensitive by projecting my past onto her (and this guy). He is one of the only people that understands what she's going through at her job and in school, and it's uncool of me to pressure her or make her feel bad for having a friend like that.
So, I'm going to apologize to her tonight (right before we head out to our favorite local bar to meet up with him and a bunch of other people from her class). I regret the way I've been behaving in this area and need to seek her forgiveness.
--Dim
That's pretty amazing. Take a good look at what you wrote. You know what set you off, you recognize it, you are owning up to it, and you are working toward making it better. I have no worries for you, my friend!
That's pretty amazing. Take a good look at what you wrote. You know what set you off, you recognize it, you are owning up to it, and you are working toward making it better. I have no worries for you, my friend!
Thanks! This thread has been very helpful to me...it is good to know that this subforum doesn't always have to be so vitriolic and bitter.
That's pretty amazing. Take a good look at what you wrote. You know what set you off, you recognize it, you are owning up to it, and you are working toward making it better. I have no worries for you, my friend!
Absolutely this! Being able to recognize your baggage and work on solutions is half the battle. I think you'll be just fine, you seem really logical about the process and in tune with your feelings. If I were to remarry (and hopefully one day I will, fingers crossed!) I know that my spouse making a new opposite sex friend at work would trigger some bad feelings because my ex husband cheated on me with a coworker he claimed was just a friend. It would be difficult to separate those two situations because even though my logical brain would tell me this is a totally different person and there's no reason to think the past will repeat itself, I'm not sure my basic emotions and heart would listen to my logic. All you can do is be aware and work on it, and hopefully your wife is supportive and understanding of why you feel the way you do. Sounds like she is since she's including you in her time with him.
IMO, the fact that you remarried says a lot.
Your s/o cares about you enough to commit to spend her life with you.
We all have baggage. You and your wife have found each other, and you can so far handle each others baggage. When you find the right person, the baggage doesn't seem to be such a negative.
I think even the best happiest couples still have to work at the relationship.
When you find the right person, it is easier, but most likely not 'easy' ? I donno, as I cant say for sure. All I know is, one relationship I was in was much easier than the others, and yet we lasted only 7 years. Since then, dating has been more difficult, not easier.
If your baggage is affecting you negatively, then change. Only you can change yourself.
Been there. I'm single now, but I'm happy. My recommendations?
1) Definitely pursue the therapy - a neutral sounding board for stuff like this is invaluable. It might only take a few sessions.
2) Take up meditation. It really does help to quiet your mind and clean the negative thoughts out of your head.
3) Learn to distinguish what you can control and what you can't control. What you CAN control is mostly your own actions - in particular, how you treat your spouse.
Thanks everyone. I talked to her about all of this last night, and things are definitely much improved! I can honestly say that seeing the feedback on this thread helped me process my feelings and get to the root of what's been bothering me. So, once again, thank you.
--Dim
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) and I was gradually able to get rid of that particular baggage. For me, talking helps. 
