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I came here for some logic and reason and did not really find much. Maybe it's a gender thing.
Anyway, this morning "Jane" and I had a long talk that really went nowhere. I told her that we are pretty much over as a couple. She refuses to see it that way and wants to talk and talk and talk more. I just do not see any value in that.
I flat out asked her why she lied about having only 6 sex partners. She actually answered candidly and said she didn't want me to see her as a ****. She asked what she could do and I said she could actually start with the truth. I don't want to get into sordid details but the "frat brother count" is actually closer to 50. She said she can't remember a specific total and I guess I believe her on that. I asked her how in hell she could rack up numbers like that and she said that sometimes they had small parties and they had what they called "hummer lines" where a bunch of girls would sequentially do a bunch of guys. She thought it was fun and sexy at the time. Enough.
I asked if she also "had intercourse" like that and she said no. Intercourse was in private. How many? About two thirds of them, again she didn't really know exact numbers.
So that's pretty well it. She put out and had intercourse with some 40 stinky frat brothers and blew even more. Call me whatever you ladies want, but that is just not acceptable to me in a long term life partner.
Jane certainly has every and any right to have done and to do whatever she wants. Equally, I have every right to feel disgusted and walk.
As I've said before I am an average guy, sexually speaking, and I believed Jane to be an average girl, sexually speaking, when she said her number is 6. Without blowjobs it's like 40+ and including blowjobs, it's 50+.
Many of you called me a misogynist and called me terrible names for treating her so poorly. You know what? The indelicate posters who actually called her factually correct "names" were on the money dead right. Anyway, why would I want to marry such a person? And if she was just doing normal things that normal girls do, then why hide it? The answer you ladies would provide would be "she hid it because she knows what an ******* you are and that you would judge her." I am not an ******* but I do judge her. In my frame of thought an average normal girl does NOT go down on over 50 guys at a particular frat house. That is beyond slutty. I'm no shrink but I have to believe that there are mental issues involved here.
Trying to shame ME by saying she's better off without me does you an injustice. The reality of the world (NOT what you ladies would like reality to be) is that most men do not want to marry a woman with a sexual track record like this, regardless of whatever other wonderful traits she may have.
I actually swallowed my pride and confided in my best friend on all this after she left but you probably don't want to hear that.
She's already called up so we can talk more but I think I'm kind of talked out.
Sorry, but it's one thing to have issues with it. It's another to shame someone over something that she did 10 years ago. You are doing what is called "zlut-shaming," and it is the providence of douchebags.
Oh, wait, was that a name? Oopsie!
Bottom line is that when you call other people names over things long over with, that had nothing to do with you, that means you can't handle your issues maturely. Again, it's one thing not to feel comfortable, or to be upset that she lied, but it's a dick move to call someone you claim to have loved names like that.
She IS better off without you. Like all human beings, she should not have to be subjected to verbal abuse like yours.
Now go stand outside the convent and wait for the rejects.
Oh, and P.S. You're not an average guy. Never mind wisdom. You're on the low end of experience. Believe it.
Since he's already 31 years old and yet still going through all this drama asking for a number, I hope he has fun being single for X amount of years looking for that ''woman with low numbers''.
What he is looking for (technically I would be that woman, since my number is only 1) is not only finding a needle in a haystack but that woman he wants probably won't like his personality that much either.
What he is looking for (technically I would be that woman, since my number is only 1) is not only finding a needle in a haystack but that woman he wants probably won't like his personality that much either.
The truly sad thing is this: think about how hard it is to meet someone and fall in love with them. The universe practically has to align. But people do it every day and how long does it take? I just met the nicest man 6 months ago and we have so much in common but it was several years after the divorce and before I married I was a couple of years w/o a relationship and before that a couple there too. I think I was 26 when I married. My point is that it's not easy. So then you add in the added prerequisite that she must be nearly pure and he's narrowed the playing field considerably in these crazy times and he may meet someone and fall in love and even meet someone who meets his idea of what a woman should be, but will he love her as much as he loved this one? Well he hopes so, but I have this vision of him in 20-30 years, looking his old love up on facebook and regretting his attitude towards this woman while his unloved wife is laying in the next room waiting vainly for him to come to bed. So sad for all concerned. Again, this is the world that we have all created thru our collective choices and those who came before us and we all need to learn to live in it the best we can, without blame. Most women who made these choices in the past have left it there--in the past. That no longer works for them and they want something more. If they don't deserve more, then neither do the men.
An interesting book that the men here may profit by reading is Sophie's Choice. It is a sad, sad book but thankfully the choice takes very little part in it. The main thing I remember reading is how the narrator was always trying to get sex but never could find a woman willing to go there with him b/c the times were different (immediately post WWII) and the poor man was dying all thru the book.
What does it matter if you were her number 7 vs 36? You aren't special either way. Does she feel special being your number 10? It seems to me you don't love her. You only loved the idea of her.
The true measure of real love is not how it feels when everything is all hearts and flowers, happy go lucky and easy peasy, but how much it will withstand when the raging winds of chaos and pain from some crisis rear it's monstrous head to try and tear it apart.
This thread isn't about you. She was responding to the OP, the person with the question. We get it, you are more sexually active and permissive, which is fine. But stop trying to make everyone be like you.
By all means, show me exactly where I'm trying to make everyone be like me. Many people are chiming in with their own sexual experiences and their own standards and value judgements. I get it....you don't like my stance so you had to single me out. Too bad.
Let's get back to the OP, shall we? Perhaps he should stand outside a chastity ball where girls pledge their virginity to their daddies and grab them on the way out. Love is hard enough to find, and he was lucky to have found it at all. Now, not only is he throwing it all away, but he's calling her names over something that happened a long time ago and saying she has mental issues.
She's much better off without him.
man. you all are harsh. the guy didn't say she slept with 6 people and he thinks she's a **** for that. he is not looking for a virgin or someone who is pure. did you read what he said she did? i seriously don't know very many people, anyone, in my life that would think that was cool for their girlfriend or boyfriend to have in their past. and if she is 30ish, then the college years are really not that far behind her. this woman will find someone who will accept her for her past decisions. maybe she won't tell the next guy and he will marry her and never know. but this guy here does know and he is not comfortable with it. how can you trash him for that? they are not right for each other. it doesn't mean that they are both doomed to a life of loneliness. and if he's a troll, well then that's all on him. i hope he had fun reading the responses. i have given my opinion in honesty. if i was tricked, then so be it.
Perhaps he should stand outside a chastity ball where girls pledge their virginity to their daddies and grab them on the way out. .
I know its not just you but stop with the "he needs a virgin" crap. He has not once said that he wants a virgin or that he expected her to be a virgin.
She lied to him and said that she only had sex with 6 people then later on when her past shows up he discovers that she had lied to him and instead of that number being 6 its really 35-50+. She lied to him from the start about a part of her past. Also its not just men who bring up sexual history, dont always assume its the man who brings it up, in every relationship I have had I have never been the one to bring up sexual history, its always been the girl who has brought it up.
Also even if they never had the sexual history talk he would of found out about this large number eventually so the whole "dont ever ask about someones sexual history" or "its none of your business" doesnt apply, it is always better to hear it from your partner then to hear it from someone else.
how can you trash him for that? they are not right for each other.
Correct. They're absolutely not right for each other. He'll never be able to look at her again without thinking "filthy ho" in the back of his mind, even with counselling.
Time to move on for both of them.
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