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I've done everything exactly right when it comes to making friends and everything exactly wrong when it comes to dating. For a little background on me - I'm a guy who has always had plenty of friends and been good at talking to people but because of self esteem issues early on in my days, I struggled very badly to get women. I've overcome the self esteem issues but I'm still in the same situation as I've always been in that I have no dating prospects whatsoever
Making friends: I've talked to lots and lots and lots and lots of people over the years. Usually I'm very confident, easy going, don't care about the outcome, not desperate at all, feel like I can make anybody like me. I am the one who is selective - I usually screen out people and only hang out those who I feel are the highest quality individuals. The result is that I've had dozens and dozens of friends over the years. Because of the amount of friends I've had over the years, making new friends is incredibly easy - I can go out anywhere and meet new guys that I can hang out without really having to do anything. I don't think making friends is difficult at all and I feel like I can make almost anybody like me. Because of my positive attitude, I've been able to make friends in situations where I interacted with people over and over and over again and then we just naturally became friends
Dating: I've talked to a small number of potential romantic partners over the years, much much smaller than when it comes to making friends. I hate approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to a girl to try to see if she may be interested in going out on a date with me. Generally my confidence has not been great (although it's been better recently), I've been somewhat awkward and very awkward at times (that's more in the past but still), not nearly as smooth or charismatic as it comes to making friends. I care about the outcome too much. I'm so incredibly lonely and desperately want somebody that, even though it's pretty well supressed on the surface, I know it still pops up every now and then. Because of the nonexistent amount of success I've had over the years, my only option for dating is the cold approach...something that I find to be immensely difficult bordering on impossible. I can't meet women in the natural and easy progression that I make friends. I've also made dating to be this impossibly difficult obstacle in front of me and I've often times felt like I am destined to be alone my whole life. Because of my negative attitude, I've never had any situations where I interacted with a woman over and over and over again before we naturally started dating...I've had to rely on talking to them once and asking them out, which has resulted in terrible results
I know the knee jerk reaction to this thread is "you know what you have to do, so just go out there and fix it !11!!11". It's not nearly that easy - I have an extremely intense fear of approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to women in regards to dating (I don't mind talking to my female friends or my friend's girlfriends but if it's somebody I find somewhat cute near my age group, it's like pulling teeth)
Why is that your girl friends don't become your girlfriends?
I haven't had a lot of female friends in my life - I have 2 sisters, 1 of whom I'm very close with. I am close with all my friend's girlfriends and wives and I have maybe 2 or 3 other female friends I really like. None of these girls are potential mates for me (one has a child/lot of baggage that scares me and another has a boyfriend/put me in the friend zone anyways)
I've done everything exactly right when it comes to making friends and everything exactly wrong when it comes to dating. For a little background on me - I'm a guy who has always had plenty of friends and been good at talking to people but because of self esteem issues early on in my days, I struggled very badly to get women. I've overcome the self esteem issues but I'm still in the same situation as I've always been in that I have no dating prospects whatsoever
Making friends: I've talked to lots and lots and lots and lots of people over the years. Usually I'm very confident, easy going, don't care about the outcome, not desperate at all, feel like I can make anybody like me. I am the one who is selective - I usually screen out people and only hang out those who I feel are the highest quality individuals. The result is that I've had dozens and dozens of friends over the years. Because of the amount of friends I've had over the years, making new friends is incredibly easy - I can go out anywhere and meet new guys that I can hang out without really having to do anything. I don't think making friends is difficult at all and I feel like I can make almost anybody like me. Because of my positive attitude, I've been able to make friends in situations where I interacted with people over and over and over again and then we just naturally became friends
Dating: I've talked to a small number of potential romantic partners over the years, much much smaller than when it comes to making friends. I hate approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to a girl to try to see if she may be interested in going out on a date with me. Generally my confidence has not been great (although it's been better recently), I've been somewhat awkward and very awkward at times (that's more in the past but still), not nearly as smooth or charismatic as it comes to making friends. I care about the outcome too much. I'm so incredibly lonely and desperately want somebody that, even though it's pretty well supressed on the surface, I know it still pops up every now and then. Because of the nonexistent amount of success I've had over the years, my only option for dating is the cold approach...something that I find to be immensely difficult bordering on impossible. I can't meet women in the natural and easy progression that I make friends. I've also made dating to be this impossibly difficult obstacle in front of me and I've often times felt like I am destined to be alone my whole life. Because of my negative attitude, I've never had any situations where I interacted with a woman over and over and over again before we naturally started dating...I've had to rely on talking to them once and asking them out, which has resulted in terrible results
I know the knee jerk reaction to this thread is "you know what you have to do, so just go out there and fix it !11!!11". It's not nearly that easy - I have an extremely intense fear of approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to women in regards to dating (I don't mind talking to my female friends or my friend's girlfriends but if it's somebody I find somewhat cute near my age group, it's like pulling teeth)
Any thoughts on this?
Romantic relationships is kind of its own beast; it's much different than the networking/business game and making friends (especially same sex friends).
If you're lonely and desperate, it will show regardless of how well you think you're hiding it. Dating is largely emotional, so it's different from other aspects of your life. The cold approach is based almost exclusively on looks and puts the person you randomly approach in a potentially awkward spot. I don't do it much nor would I recommend it for you. You need to separate yourself from the outcome. The best way to do this is to get rejected a few times and realize that it's not that big a deal. Also, realize that being in a relationship (while it can be nice) is not a necessity in life, the way that sustenance is. You should try to put yourself in situations where you're more likely to come into contact with women in a non-awkward way; you can join groups, you can go out (in groups or solo), you can go socialize with co-workers, etc.
Your method is going to be tough; it's the shotgun approach. When you approach someone cold, it's kind of odd b/c there's not a lot to say (there's less 'natural' conversation, for ex you could ask the perso next to you about the game that's on and go from there), so it's just like going up to someone and saying 'Hey, I'm so-and-so. What's your name?'
If you can get less nervous about the outcome and put yourself in situations that are more favorable, you're likely to get better results. You won't see an improvement doing the cold approach.
The cold approach is based almost exclusively on looks and puts the person you randomly approach in a potentially awkward spot. I don't do it much nor would I recommend it for you.
I'm a good looking guy and I can sense body language pretty well. I won't ask out a girl who is not giving me very positive body language
and I know that cold approach isn't ideal, but it's the only option for me at this point. OLD is worthless, I can't meet women through friends or work. I have no other choice but to cold approach (IE gym, going out to bars and clubs, talking to a girl who works at a store, etc..)
I'm going to be single for another 50 years if I don't go out there and at least try to cold approach
Hey, I'm the same way as you. I have moved a lot, and have never been in situations where I can rely on friends or my group of friends to meet women.
Approaching women isn't difficult at all.. I'm kind of repeating what you said but the thing that makes it so hard on the nerves is caring. Why care though? Keep it in your head that you don't give two ****s about that girl or the next one. If you're outgoing and great at making friends, talk to new women that way. There's no secret key to talking to women, you just have to be an outgoing and confident guy.
I'm a good looking guy and I can sense body language pretty well. I won't ask out a girl who is not giving me very positive body language
and I know that cold approach isn't ideal, but it's the only option for me at this point. OLD is worthless, I can't meet women through friends or work. I have no other choice but to cold approach (IE gym, going out to bars and clubs, talking to a girl who works at a store, etc..)
I'm going to be single for another 50 years if I don't go out there and at least try to cold approach
You don't need to eliminate the cold approach completely, but it hasn't worked so far and I'd be surprised if it works much better in the future than it has in the past.
I wasn't suggesting meeting women through friends or work so much as using work or other friends as a source of a social network that can increase your chances of meeting women. Do you approach women in groups? They're rarely out by themselves, so being in a group will help.
You don't need to eliminate the cold approach completely, but it hasn't worked so far and I'd be surprised if it works much better in the future than it has in the past.
Well it hasn't worked great in the past but I can't say i've been at my best either. I imagine if I was more confident and personable in my cold approaches, I may have had a few dates at least
Quote:
I wasn't suggesting meeting women through friends or work so much as using work or other friends as a source of a social network that can increase your chances of meeting women. Do you approach women in groups? They're rarely out by themselves, so being in a group will help.
Can you elaborate what you're talking about here?
I always hang out with a group whenever I do anything social
I've done everything exactly right when it comes to making friends and everything exactly wrong when it comes to dating. For a little background on me - I'm a guy who has always had plenty of friends and been good at talking to people but because of self esteem issues early on in my days, I struggled very badly to get women. I've overcome the self esteem issues but I'm still in the same situation as I've always been in that I have no dating prospects whatsoever
Making friends: I've talked to lots and lots and lots and lots of people over the years. Usually I'm very confident, easy going, don't care about the outcome, not desperate at all, feel like I can make anybody like me. I am the one who is selective - I usually screen out people and only hang out those who I feel are the highest quality individuals. The result is that I've had dozens and dozens of friends over the years. Because of the amount of friends I've had over the years, making new friends is incredibly easy - I can go out anywhere and meet new guys that I can hang out without really having to do anything. I don't think making friends is difficult at all and I feel like I can make almost anybody like me. Because of my positive attitude, I've been able to make friends in situations where I interacted with people over and over and over again and then we just naturally became friends
Dating: I've talked to a small number of potential romantic partners over the years, much much smaller than when it comes to making friends. I hate approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to a girl to try to see if she may be interested in going out on a date with me. Generally my confidence has not been great (although it's been better recently), I've been somewhat awkward and very awkward at times (that's more in the past but still), not nearly as smooth or charismatic as it comes to making friends. I care about the outcome too much. I'm so incredibly lonely and desperately want somebody that, even though it's pretty well supressed on the surface, I know it still pops up every now and then. Because of the nonexistent amount of success I've had over the years, my only option for dating is the cold approach...something that I find to be immensely difficult bordering on impossible. I can't meet women in the natural and easy progression that I make friends. I've also made dating to be this impossibly difficult obstacle in front of me and I've often times felt like I am destined to be alone my whole life. Because of my negative attitude, I've never had any situations where I interacted with a woman over and over and over again before we naturally started dating...I've had to rely on talking to them once and asking them out, which has resulted in terrible results
I know the knee jerk reaction to this thread is "you know what you have to do, so just go out there and fix it !11!!11". It's not nearly that easy - I have an extremely intense fear of approaching and I hate the whole process of talking to women in regards to dating (I don't mind talking to my female friends or my friend's girlfriends but if it's somebody I find somewhat cute near my age group, it's like pulling teeth)
Any thoughts on this?
Dang bro...I feel you. Your story is almost identical to mine. Your not alone. I wish I had the answers for ya...but I am still struggling trying to get through this whole dating process. I feel like an alien who's trying to understand what it's like to be a "human" when it comes to this process. You will overcome this fear...and so will I! GOD bless you....
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