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Sometimes I think my head isn't in the right place to be dating...if I meet someone and go out with them, usually I know by the 2nd or 3rd date if I'm feeling them. 90% of the time I'm not...but in the 10% of the time I do, I feel like I fall hard/fast...either I fall quickly and it fades out quick because I'm simply only infatuated and lusting after the person, or I fall over a period of time and it gets stronger and stronger as time progresses and I actually fall in love (have only been there twice in my life so far).
Either way, it never ends with the man wanting to be with me or be in a serious relationship. I think in my 34 years of living, this is starting to play tricks with my head...because in the 10% of the time I find someone I like, I only want to spend time with and be with them. Yet I find men want to spend time with me and other women, and that quickly does a number on my feelings and ego...I'll withdraw the moment I'm sure a guy hasn't set up a date with me on a weekend because I will assume he's with another woman (and most of the time have been proven correct)....
I feel like I'm babbling a little, but I guess I'm just venting that dating is hard. There never seems to be a mutual connection. I think I'm just starting to yearn to be loved and have a companion like many others do. What's weird is that I'm kinda a loner, very independent, and never felt this way until the past few years. I was the last in my group of high school friends to get a boyfriend. I was always the woman who came to my married friends' events alone without a date...but never had a problem with it because I was always confident that 'with time'....I'd be with a quality person in a mutually beneficial relationship, and I actually had no problem with being single. I guess what I'm trying to say is.....I don't know where that confidence went. I don't believe that will happen anymore. I don't understand why I don't have a companion and I figure it's got to be something(s) wrong with me but wish I had someone to tell me what it is or what those things are because no matter how much self reflection I do I can't quite figure it out....in the meantime I'm wondering if I'm simply not emotionally mature enough to even be dating....
well, the best thing you can do is erase all your former
experiences with these men, especially the ones whom behaved as you
describe. eventually, you'll find a new person among that "10%" who wants
to be exclusively with you also.
if you are open to the concept of expanding that "10%" to, say, "20%",
your chances can only improve. chemistry and attraction are frequently
not immediate or even fast to arrive. feelings can advance in time.
many successfully married couples did not experience "love at first sight",
or even love in the first month.
I too had a hard time finding a good man, but a lot of it had to do with me being attracted to the wrong men....the men you meet who you do feel attracted to, who end up not wanting relationships...in looking back, were there any red flags that maybe they weren't a good investment for your heart from the beginning (were they players, recently out of a LTR. or even come out and say they didn't want a relationship)? Do you fail to put on the brakes and let the relationship get too intense too quickly? Do you have a history or pattern of only really being attached to men who you have to chase or pine for?
If it's not your pattern, then look at your dating patterns in interacting with the men you feel a connection toward...when you really like a guy, do you reverse the roles and become the pursuer, have sex very fast, fail to set boundaries? All these things can keep a man from feeling really bonded to you and wanting a relationship with you.
2 good books that can help with dating are "Mars/Venus on a Date" and "Why Men Love B*tches" (which, before anyone gets upset, should really be called "why men love self-confident women" and does NOT espouse game playing or acting difficult in any way, shape or form)
I did meet a great man 2 1/2 years ago, and when I met him (online) I was already determined to change my patterns and had been practicing dating with my head rather than my heart, and I think it played a big role in giving us a good foundation.
If you're dating the same kind of man, then stop and recalibrate.
I decided to go the solo route when I realized the guys I was falling for (not dating) were the type who felt themselves too good for most all relationships. They were so arrogant but I kept interpreting it as confidence and self-love. *smh* So there I was falling for these men who in no time would make it clear to me that they didn't want things like marriage because it's, "just a piece of paper" or to "define" things, etc because all of it was just a man-made concept. They didn't want that kind of closeness.
In essence, i was falling for commitment-phobes and I had to take a step back, stop looking, and realize that the whole reason I was attracted to these men was because of what I had learned along the way, seen, etc, from my ancestors in relationships and I associated their commitment-phobia with strength.
Sometimes I think my head isn't in the right place to be dating...if I meet someone and go out with them, usually I know by the 2nd or 3rd date if I'm feeling them. 90% of the time I'm not...but in the 10% of the time I do, I feel like I fall hard/fast...either I fall quickly and it fades out quick because I'm simply only infatuated and lusting after the person, or I fall over a period of time and it gets stronger and stronger as time progresses and I actually fall in love (have only been there twice in my life so far).
That all sounds perfectly normal.
I agree with others -- the problem is in your selection process. You need to figure out how to screen out the guys who want a different kind of relationship from what you want, and how to screen FOR men who are completely open and honest, who would never (to use your example) date someone behind your back.
I agree with others -- the problem is in your selection process. You need to figure out how to screen out the guys who want a different kind of relationship from what you want, and how to screen FOR men who are completely open and honest, who would never (to use your example) date someone behind your back.
Dating is dating, it's not behind her back if they're not in relationship yet. OP, I am somewhat like you. I think you either expand your criteria of who you're attracted to from 10% of people to 20% OR be more patient with the ones you are attracted to if they date someone else too. As long as there is no sex and no commitment involved, try not to let your feelings be hurt. It means you are free to find another man who falls in that top 10 range you like and date a couple guys at the same time. Good luck
I never thought dating would be this hard at my age (50's). I was married for 28 years so much of this is new to me, but from my perspective if I fall for a woman then I don't want her dating anyone else. I discussed this with my current girlfriend on our 2nd date and we both agreed. Maybe it's a boomer generational thing but I didn't even want her kissing another guy.
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I don't believe that will happen anymore. I don't understand why I don't have a companion and I figure it's got to be something(s) wrong with me but wish I had someone to tell me what it is or what those things are because no matter how much self reflection I do I can't quite figure it out....in the meantime I'm wondering if I'm simply not emotionally mature enough to even be dating....
