Wife revealed recent cocaine touching to mouth...difficult time with it (dating, boyfriend)
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We've been together for fifteen years and have two young elementary school children. My wife was concerned about her sister's cocaine use (about two times per week) over the past twenty years. Because of this concern, she confronted her sister because her sister has a young child and mentioned that she'd get the parents involved for a family intervention. When my wife said this to her sister, the sister replied that if this occurs, then all the family secrets would come out. I asked my wife what skeletons she was talking about and the details are below.
When we first started dating, my wife mentioned that she had experimented with drugs including cocaine. We discussed and she said that she did not use anymore. I said I' m glad because I would have a tough time dating anyone who used. I thought we had an understanding. Well...it turns out that my wife has admitted to "touching" the stuff to her mouth on two occasions since we have been together and as recently as several months ago when she was alone with her sister and up all night dealing with her mom's crisis during the mom's 75th birthday. My wife claims that she was vulnerable because she was dealing with her mom's issues and this was only about two times out of 200 over the past 15 years that she "gave in" to her sister and touch the cocaine to her mouth. I believe that it has only been infrequently because she rarely goes out and rarely drinks. (We're both very busy with work and splitting child care responsibilities, and we don't have any family in the area).
My wife is an otherwise honest, hard-working and successful person and mother. However, I was shocked when I learned that she not only "touched" the drug since we were married but also as recently as five months ago. She apologized, but tends to minimize my feelings saying that "most people she knows" have experimented and if I had ever used drugs, then I wouldn't be so freaked out about merely touching the stuff to her mouth on two occasions (the other she claims was when she just turned 30 nearly 13 years ago). She mentioned that her recent use a few months ago was a major mistake and confirmed that she doesn't like the stuff. She said that I have nothing to worry about and she has never done it around me or the kids, nor would she ever do it again. I believe her, for the most part, but still feel hurt, shocked, angry and betrayed. She apologized, but I don't think she understands why I feel hurt, shocked, angry and betrayed and tends to minimize my feelings by saying that she merely touched the stuff to her mouth. She also claims not to remember the times when she used, saying it was so infrequently, and states that she never snorted.
I guess I'm confused and would like your productive thoughts on a way forward. It's been about six days and my feelings are all over the place and it is strange.
Location: A Very Naughtytown In Northwestern Montanifornia U.S.A.
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Lying to loved ones comes easy to folks with drug problems. I'm betting that she does it a lot more than she is admitting. Pull out one of her hairs and have it tested or confront her and take her to a doctor for a blood draw for testing she may be doing it regularly behind your back. If she refuses you will know what's up.
I've been on both sides of that fence. My X wife smoked cigs behind my back for years lying to me all the while. Why didn't I notice the stink on her you ask ?? Well nobody asked but I'll tell you anyway.
I was in the middle of a really bad cocaine snorting habit that took me fifteen years to kick and I was "out of it" all the time.
A drug habit will induce a good person to lie and steal from loved ones, I know.
By the way I quit my two pack a day Camel non filter habit, a fifteen year "bugger sugar" habit and three years ago I quit cold turkey a lifelong alcohol habit. (that one was easy)
Addicts tend to downplay thier drug use, I would plant a bug on her or do a drug test. I know it sounds draconian but it may save your family and perhaps her life. Many people seem to think they can get away with leading double lives and some do get away with it.
Best to be safe than sorry and if she is adamant about not going for a test, well I think that would tell you a lot.
I like the idea of planting a recording bug on her, you may even find out she may have another guy on the side. You do want to know the truth don't you ?
She claims to have used twice in the the last 10 years. I'm not sure I'd characterize occasional use (e.g., twice in a decade) as a coke addict. But, I'm absolutely naive because I've never done a drug in my life. I do think it was a mistake and she has opened up to me. She also also opened up that in college she would do it at most one time per month. She also said that she dumped an ex-boyfriend because he was using. She rarely drinks, is a devoted mom, and we otherwise get along very, very well. We communicate about everything else. She said that the reason she did not tell me was because she know I would be judgmental and harsh--she indicated that this is about the only thing she knew I'd be judgmental about so she said she wanted to avoid upsetting me and dealing with the judgment. My biggest point is that I'm shocked and feel a sense of betrayal.
I like the idea about going to counseling, but I'm not sure why folks are saying she's an addict from what I've indicated above?
Do you feel like she's a danger to your kids?
Why do you feel "hurt" and "betrayed"?
Have you ever had a lapse in judgement in your life?
No. No dander to kids at all. Devoted mother.
Not sure why I still feel hurt or betrayed. Probably because I thought we talked about everything and we had an implicit agreement that I would not be involved with someone who used drugs.
Of course I've had a lapse in judgment and this is what she indicated ("it was stupid and I will never do it again.")
Perhaps I'm being irrational. She says she's never seen me become so "wigged out" over this whole thing, but it is betrayal and it scared the heck out of me that she could even do it one time and I did not notice. But, she assures me that she will not do it again so I have nothing to worry about.
From the OP's post, I would not jump to conclusions that she is a drug addict. I know plenty of respectable people who have experimented a few times, without it turning into full blown addiction. However, it's hard to know how honest she is being with you. It is good that she has admitted the use, is concerned about her sister's abuse, and is otherwise a successful person/mother.
If you have a communicative, honest relationship where she volunteered the information (e.g. is not hiding things), then I would accept that she made a mistake and wants to resolve it and support her in this. I would reiterate to her the importance of your family's health/safety and your zero tolerance stand on this. If it happens again (or she lied or has some negative behavior changes), then you may want to treat the situation as the beginnings of a drug addiction. I know how highly addictive this drug can be.
You both could also brainstorm ideas on how she can avoid being in this kind of risky situation in the future. The sister is obviously a bad influence. When your wife is at her sister's house she is risking drug use, possible arrest, dangerous behavior of others (e.g. users, dealers), etc. Maybe you can both come up with a plan on how she can avoid going to her sister's house in the future and meet elsewhere. I would also never, ever allow children into a house where drug use occurs.
I find it concerning that she did not freely admit this to you but only because her sister threatened to expose her. I think there is a chance she is downplaying her involvement and just telling you enough to satisfy your curiosity of what her sister was threatening to expose. Also she is using odd phrases of "touching" rather than using, but she used the drugs.
I don't know enough about drug tests to know if one would tell you the frequency or intensity of her use, but it is something that you might want to consider. Also maybe look through your house and make sure there are no drugs in the house. And go to a counselor to discuss the trust and communication issues.
From the OP's post, I would not jump to conclusions that she is a drug addict. I know plenty of respectable people who have experimented a few times, without it turning into full blown addiction. However, it's hard to know how honest she is being with you. It is good that she has admitted the use, is concerned about her sister's abuse, and is otherwise a successful person/mother.
If you have a communicative, honest relationship where she volunteered the information (e.g. is not hiding things), then I would accept that she made a mistake and wants to resolve it and support her in this. I would reiterate to her the importance of your family's health/safety and your zero tolerance stand on this. If it happens again (or she lied or has some negative behavior changes), then you may want to treat the situation as the beginnings of a drug addiction. I know how highly addictive this drug can be.
You both could also brainstorm ideas on how she can avoid being in this kind of risky situation in the future. The sister is obviously a bad influence. When your wife is at her sister's house she is risking drug use, possible arrest, dangerous behavior of others (e.g. users, dealers), etc. Maybe you can both come up with a plan on she can avoid going to her sister's house in the future and meet elsewhere. I would also never, ever allow children into a house where drug use occurs.
Wow! This is a brilliant post
Thanks so much
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