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You're right about that but neither does a marriage it's just a legal process. Your still tied to him and your child is proof he existed. the relationship between you was loving at one point. So why would anyone think that a legal process is more than a child? your bond with the father will be your family history.
Agreed. Marriage wont solve anything. Honestly, it would just make things a whole lot more complicated.
You cannot rebuild your sense of security with a man who does not acknowledge that your concerns are rational and based on his past actions. He is disrespecting you, and is denying the natural consequences of what he did. He is not taking responsibility -- he is trying to pretend it never happened. And your unconscious mind is smart enough to conclude that this means the relationship is not secure.
It's pretty clear to me that you are clueless about a lot of things, perhaps you grew up in a single parent household? Having a child does indeed create a bond, whether the other parent acknowledges the bond or not. Because you don't understand that there is a bond, you moved in with a man far too young to step into the role of being a father to your existing child (that he would steal your truck and leave you and your kid without transportation in a wrecked house tells you he was not being a dad. Being a father is supposed to create a bond, without one, so-called father has no problem with stealing your truck and leaving you and your child defenseless.)
Having a second child with this younger man after all of this was a big mistake but there is nothing to be done about it now.
You are in different phases of like and really are the one who should be leading things. 6 years is a huge difference at your ages. Your bf is not ready for all you have put on him, and likely was blinded by the sex, common for a 22 year old male. I don't see this realtionship lasting very long, but at the very least it seems you can use some therapy to get your self esteem up. You need to do this for yourself as well as for your children, who are watching everything that goes on in your houehold.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
This is your real problem.
You cannot rebuild your sense of security with a man who does not acknowledge that your concerns are rational and based on his past actions. He is disrespecting you, and is denying the natural consequences of what he did. He is not taking responsibility -- he is trying to pretend it never happened. And your unconscious mind is smart enough to conclude that this means the relationship is not secure.
Please take these posts seriously. Lots of great insight there.
In your shoes, I'd probably end the relationship. You're too young to spend the rest of your life feeling this way, and marriage isn't going to do anything but involve lawyers the next time it happens. You were burned, badly, by his actions. He has shown you what he is capable of, and you are right not to trust him fully with your heart or your future. However, if you do stay, don't expect much to change. In which case, consider this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I think you're just going to have to live with being in a relationship where you are constantly insecure. I don't see any other way. I would never be able to forget someone doing something like that to me. I don't think there's any amount of counseling that would make me get over it or stop wondering when it was going to happen again. Lots of people "forgive" someone who cheated, but they never forget it and I don't think they really ever forgive either. In your case this guy actually stole from you, destroyed your place, and moved in with another woman. Not like he got drunk and hooked up with someone in a bar (which would still be awful and I probably couldn't get over). If you can't get over it and you won't leave him, then you're just going to have to deal with these feelings. Maybe forever.
You cannot rebuild your sense of security with a man who does not acknowledge that your concerns are rational and based on his past actions. He is disrespecting you, and is denying the natural consequences of what he did. He is not taking responsibility -- he is trying to pretend it never happened. And your unconscious mind is smart enough to conclude that this means the relationship is not secure.
I don't want to push him away. I really do want to get over it.
A year into our relationship, I came home to the house ransacked, him and my truck gone. He shacked up with some chick across the country.
Did you have any idea that he was going to leave you?
Four years later and I still have fears of him leaving me again. I also get pissed off whenever he has some random new woman friend on Facebook. Now he tells me he has no idea who they are and he just accepts anyone that requests to be his friend. He does not physically do anything to make me feel suspicious he is doing anything with them.
You need to tell him that right now for you those "female friends" are not okay with you and that it is bothering you enough to feel insecure, communication is very important and settings boundaries is also.
I don't believe a relationship can be healthy, at least not for me, if we don't each have close friends of assorted genders. Friends are not the problem; he is. His treatment of the OP.
I really need to get over being insecure but I do not know how to go about it.
Background: I have lived with bf for 5 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old together but we are not married.
A year into our relationship, I came home to the house ransacked, him and my truck gone. He shacked up with some chick across the country.
A few months later he wanted to come home we did marriage counseling and worked through all that and eventually I let him come home.
Four years later and I still have fears of him leaving me again. I also get pissed off whenever he has some random new woman friend on Facebook. Now he tells me he has no idea who they are and he just accepts anyone that requests to be his friend. He does not physically do anything to make me feel suspicious he is doing anything with them.
How do you get over feeling insecure? Would having his commitment of marriage make me feel less insecure?
I think your insecurity is normal. He did betray you at one time.
Well, I felt very insecure when I was 19 simply because I was dating a college football player. He was extremely popular. Well, I did everything I could to make him jealous, only to find out I pushed him away.
He never gave me any reasons not to trust him, but my insecurity was killing me inside.
I realized that insecurity is my problem, not his. No matter how much reassurance he gave me, I could never be able to trust him because I perhaps had some self esteem problem back then.
Well, I picked up several healthy hobbies. I learned how to play drum and guitar. I always played water polo in college. I started focusing on my own great qualities. I stopped comparing my shortcomings to other people's strength. Well, the football player dumped me because I played too much games with him. I think I definitely deserves it.
Moral of my story, finding true happiness within is not easy, finding happiness from others is impossible. Focus on yourself for a change. When you feel beautiful, confident inside, your relationship will improve as well.
Maybe you should consider doing things to create some other areas of security or acceptance in your own life. You can't just sit around and wait on your partner, you need to have interests and friends too. It may make you feel better about yourself.
The fact that you took him back after what he pulled in the first year of your relationship says you're a doormat and he knows it. Expect another surprise in the future.
I really need to get over being insecure but I do not know how to go about it.
Background: I have lived with bf for 5 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old together but we are not married.
A year into our relationship, I came home to the house ransacked, him and my truck gone. He shacked up with some chick across the country.
A few months later he wanted to come home we did marriage counseling and worked through all that and eventually I let him come home.
Four years later and I still have fears of him leaving me again. I also get pissed off whenever he has some random new woman friend on Facebook. Now he tells me he has no idea who they are and he just accepts anyone that requests to be his friend. He does not physically do anything to make me feel suspicious he is doing anything with them.
How do you get over feeling insecure? Would having his commitment of marriage make me feel less insecure?
You are feeling insecure because his actions are making you that way, and deep down you have codependency issues. You are worried that these random women on facebook are potential cheating partners for him and he may leave you again. Although you went to counseling, apart of you still doesn't trust him. If you did, you wouldn't even care about him "friending" random girls on Facebook. The only way you will stop being insecure is by leaving him and working on yourself. The fact that you took him back despite him basically leaving you and probably returning because he was dumped by another chick speaks volumes. He doesn't respect you and lack boundaries as evident to him friending random chicks on facebook.
ETA: Many women from multiple walks of life have been in your shoes. Don't think it makes you a less of a woman, but you are with a man who lacks empathy and doesn't acknowledge that his previous behavior is still relevant. Sometimes narcissist/emotional unavailable and other loser types try to press the reset button as if the past never happened and is irrelevant. The past is always indicative of future behavior with most people. You obviously invested in multiple years with this man and have a child together. However, if you encompass negative thoughts and behaviors with this man, you are setting a detrimental example for your child and his/her future interactions in social relationships. I hate saying this, but I would move on. The ship has sailed in this relationship.
Last edited by FNP24; 05-03-2013 at 12:45 PM..
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