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Old 05-08-2013, 12:14 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386

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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
What difference does it make what experience people bring from their own relationships? You seem perfectly happy to say all kinds of things about these relationships in which you have no experience.
Because that is what this thread is about. I understand if you don't want to post here, and will not be offended should you decide to stop.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:17 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
It is extremely difficult to explain to vanilla folks, but what you are saying makes perfect sense to me. The primacy of sexual exclusivity as a measurement of commitment goes so far in the popular mindset as to make jealousy a desirable thing! As with he loves me so much that he is jealous of other men's attention to me. It is difficult for that mindset to shift to love and life commitment not being hooked to that kind of exclusivity.

It gets even hairier to some when the exclusivity does not even include romantic or partner exclusivity. We use language like "I love him with all my heart" as if the amount of love that fits in one heart is finite. To give it to one makes it necessarily unavailable to another. In my experience, that exists as reality only in the minds of people who see it so.
Love the judgmental name calling at people who live a different life than you... someone upthread (lilac??) just posted multiple quotes showing that people who feel differently aren't being judmental yet here you are doing it yourself... Believe it or not some people just feel differently about open relationships than you, it doesn't mean they are too stupid to get it.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:33 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,211,792 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Love the judgmental name calling at people who live a different life than you...
"Vanilla" is a judgmental name??!!?? You would bust a gut if you knew how we referred to ourselves. But this is a PG-13 rated board.

Quote:
someone upthread (lilac??) just posted multiple quotes showing that people who feel differently aren't being judmental yet here you are doing it yourself... Believe it or not some people just feel differently about open relationships than you, it doesn't mean they are too stupid to get it.
Oh lordy. You don't really bother to acquaint yourself with what folks are actually trying to say. You just target the sounds bits you can snark on. Wonder that you have difficulty with relationships.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
2,186 posts, read 2,925,897 times
Reputation: 1807
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I don't care if you sleep with someone else. I just don't want to hear about it. What works for me: Don't ask don't tell. If my partner is out somewhere and a desirable one night stand were to present itself, I don't have a problem with it. But I don't want to hear about it either. Bored on a business trip and met someone at the hotel bar? Go for it. But I don't want to hear about it.
Will you marry me?
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:50 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
"Vanilla" is a judgmental name??!!?? You would bust a gut if you knew how we referred to ourselves. But this is a PG-13 rated board.
Of course it is. Don't play dumb.



Quote:
Oh lordy. You don't really bother to acquaint yourself with what folks are actually trying to say. You just target the sounds bits you can snark on. Wonder that you have difficulty with relationships.
I hate the word snark, it is used by people who think they are uber clever. Your post is Exhibit A.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:56 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,211,792 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Of course it is. Don't play dumb.





I hate the word snark, it is used by people who think they are uber clever. Your post is Exhibit A.

You are pretty funny! You accuse people of doing what you are doing. Do you think it actually fools anyone?
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
39,313 posts, read 27,692,603 times
Reputation: 16116
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
It is extremely difficult to explain to vanilla folks, but what you are saying makes perfect sense to me. The primacy of sexual exclusivity as a measurement of commitment goes so far in the popular mindset as to make jealousy a desirable thing! As with he loves me so much that he is jealous of other men's attention to me. It is difficult for that mindset to shift to love and life commitment not being hooked to that kind of exclusivity.

It gets even hairier to some when the exclusivity does not even include romantic or partner exclusivity. We use language like "I love him with all my heart" as if the amount of love that fits in one heart is finite. To give it to one makes it necessarily unavailable to another. In my experience, that exists as reality only in the minds of people who see it so.
Yes, it must be extremely difficult to explain your theory, especially after calling people vanilla folks.
Be careful with those generalizations. Your comment is right up there with "Women can't drive", "all men are pigs", Generalizations will get you into trouble every time.

Several people who are into open relationships have told me in the past that they don’t believe in having sex with one person and that same person forever. But I don’t believe it. I think they don’t really believe in love, and I think they force themselves to deal with the thought of the person they love having sex with other people because they think that’s the only way to really hold onto their love.

Of course they can deny that. Nobody is required to pass a lie detector test in order to make a statement. If non-monogamy is practical and “saves” relationships, then why do they break up just as often as monogamous couples do?

SOME Poly people getting the idea that they are someone more "enlightened" than mono folks just because the way they do things falls outside the mainstream. The way I see it, if something is considered mainstream, that doesn't automatically mean that no one in that mainstream actually made a conscious choice to have that lifestyle.
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:48 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 10,009,350 times
Reputation: 6849
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
SOME Poly people getting the idea that they are someone more "enlightened" than mono folks just because the way they do things falls outside the mainstream. The way I see it, if something is considered mainstream, that doesn't automatically mean that no one in that mainstream actually made a conscious choice to have that lifestyle.
It may surprise you, but I strongly agree with this. I have had mono relationships, some rather long ones, and they were consciously chosen on both our parts. We discussed poly and decided not to go that route.

And plenty of mono people who have never seriously considered poly have healthy, 'enlightened', relationships. And plenty of poly relationships are, IMO, f*cked up.

There's just no correlation, iME.
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:49 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 10,009,350 times
Reputation: 6849
I don't agree with vanilla being an insult. I do think it's misapplied to monogamy, though.
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Old 05-09-2013, 10:21 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Yes, it must be extremely difficult to explain your theory, especially after calling people vanilla folks.
Be careful with those generalizations. Your comment is right up there with "Women can't drive", "all men are pigs", Generalizations will get you into trouble every time.

Several people who are into open relationships have told me in the past that they don’t believe in having sex with one person and that same person forever. But I don’t believe it. I think they don’t really believe in love, and I think they force themselves to deal with the thought of the person they love having sex with other people because they think that’s the only way to really hold onto their love.

Of course they can deny that. Nobody is required to pass a lie detector test in order to make a statement. If non-monogamy is practical and “saves” relationships, then why do they break up just as often as monogamous couples do?

SOME Poly people getting the idea that they are someone more "enlightened" than mono folks just because the way they do things falls outside the mainstream. The way I see it, if something is considered mainstream, that doesn't automatically mean that no one in that mainstream actually made a conscious choice to have that lifestyle.
Tried to rep you but couldn't!
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