Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,987 posts, read 10,469,507 times
Reputation: 10809

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pi64 View Post
I don't think just because you're seeing someone, you have a right to say whether they can see other people at the same time they're involved with you. And I don't think people have an obligation to tell someone they're involved with that they want to see others. If you're involved with someone, your business is the relationship between you and them, not whether they're seeing other people. If you start seeing someone else, however, you should always take measures to protect yourself and whomever you have a relationship with against STDs.
This makes a lot of sense, and I agree. However, most people - once they are in what they consider to be an exclusive relationship - will disagree at that point. Otherwise, I think it's best to be clear that you don't intend or want to be exclusive at all, so everyone can decide if this is acceptable. Not doing so forces your views on others without their knowledge or consent, and IMO that's unethical. (We've been down this path before, so I don't expect we'll ever completely agree, Pi.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:02 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,673,142 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
In that case, I'd say it's not cheating. You're explicitly giving each other freedom to do as they wish without boundaries. As long as the don't ask, don't tell is clearly about seeing others, and not some unrelated topic, of course!
My next attempt at a relationship will include an explicit talk about this. I discussed this with my husband before we were married, and as I later learned (when I slept with someone else) he thought I was speaking abstractly. I wish I could remember what I said at the beginning but I can't; that said I accept the blame for not being clear enough.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:11 AM
 
393 posts, read 466,472 times
Reputation: 304
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
This makes a lot of sense, and I agree. However, most people - once they are in what they consider to be an exclusive relationship - will disagree at that point. Otherwise, I think it's best to be clear that you don't intend or want to be exclusive at all, so everyone can decide if this is acceptable. Not doing so forces your views on others without their knowledge or consent, and IMO that's unethical. (We've been down this path before, so I don't expect we'll ever completely agree, Pi.)
I don't see how deciding not to disclose someone you'll be doing with someone else is "forcing" anything on the person. If anything, I think saying you have to disclose this is letting the other person force their beliefs on you, not the other way around. There isn't a right to consent/not consent to an activity you're not yourself participating in. Additionally, saying people have to be upfront about something like this raises ethical issues concerning privacy.

What if someone you were dating said: "I would never be in a relationship with anyone who had stayed a virgin until 21--I would find it disgusting," and you yourself had been a virgin until 23. Are you obligated to disclose that to the other person, and if you don't do so, are you "forcing" your views on them? I don't think so.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,391 posts, read 30,926,132 times
Reputation: 16643
If i was going to be in an open relationship, I'd rather just be single... that way I wouldn't have to put any more investment than it is.. a FWB.

Sounds like way too much work for that situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 11:09 AM
 
1,450 posts, read 1,898,095 times
Reputation: 1350
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pi64 View Post
I don't see how deciding not to disclose someone you'll be doing with someone else is "forcing" anything on the person. If anything, I think saying you have to disclose this is letting the other person force their beliefs on you, not the other way around. There isn't a right to consent/not consent to an activity you're not yourself participating in. Additionally, saying people have to be upfront about something like this raises ethical issues concerning privacy.

What if someone you were dating said: "I would never be in a relationship with anyone who had stayed a virgin until 21--I would find it disgusting," and you yourself had been a virgin until 23. Are you obligated to disclose that to the other person, and if you don't do so, are you "forcing" your views on them? I don't think so.

Many people don't desire to be in a relationship with someone who isn't exclusive. Do you think that at the very least, informing the other person you don't plan on staying exclusive, gives them the opportunity to decide whether they wish to stay in the relationship/arrangement etc. That seems fair to me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 11:44 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,186,136 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
I would like to hear from you open relationship proponents, do any of you structure your relationships in this way? Or do you always talk about it?
I am not a "proponent" exactly. What works for some does not work for all. Nor am I in what is generally considered an "open" relationship, but the difference is often completely lost on the vanilla.

Yes we ALWAYS talk about everything especially that which may occur when one is not actually present. It is the very basis of trust that our lifestyle choice requires. It is how we ensure that boundaries are respected. But FAR more often is talking about how we feel about things, how we continue to let our partner know their importance and the continued and deepening love so that they continue to feel cherished.

If you are not ashamed or grossed out by what you are doing, there is no need to refrain from talking about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 11:58 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,186,136 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Jealousy is an emotion. It can be "controlled" but it cannot be eliminated. It has nothing to do with insecurity, self esteem, etc.
I disagree with this with enthusiasm. Both that emotions cannot be unlearned and that jealousy has nothing to do with insecurity and self esteem. That these are things with which you have no experience is clear. But there are so many people for whom this is exactly the case, it seems funny for people to continue to assert the impossibility.

Quote:
You cannot deny that many women and some men get very emotionally attached to the person they have slept with.
I would say MOST people prefer to have sex with people with whom they are connected. Among those of us who can be attracted to or even love more than one person, that connection is not threatening to the OTHER person or our connection with them.

Quote:
As a matter of fact, I have extremely good looking guy friends have all told me that they couldn't sleep with just anybody, they have to feel "something" in order to invite the person to their beds. Men can jump to anything that moves is a big myth.

Sure, there will be women who can jump from men to men and claim it is just sex. I suspect these women go through identity crisis and perhaps there are deep rooted psychological problems and tremendous unmet emotional needs they don't care to share with the world.
I think you are making a mistake that it NEEDS be "just sex" to work. Quite the opposite is true for every single person I know who participates in these lifestyles.

Quote:
Women (some / many/most) need that emotional connection to have sex with the man. There might be a few women can have sex without emotional attachment, but exception is not the norm. Sorry.
In my experience, it is the men who develop the strongest emotional attachment THROUGH sex.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 12:11 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,673,142 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I am not a "proponent" exactly. What works for some does not work for all. Nor am I in what is generally considered an "open" relationship, but the difference is often completely lost on the vanilla.

Yes we ALWAYS talk about everything especially that which may occur when one is not actually present. It is the very basis of trust that our lifestyle choice requires. It is how we ensure that boundaries are respected. But FAR more often is talking about how we feel about things, how we continue to let our partner know their importance and the continued and deepening love so that they continue to feel cherished.

If you are not ashamed or grossed out by what you are doing, there is no need to refrain from talking about it.
It has nothing to do with being ashamed or grossed out, I just find lengthy conversations on one's sex life to be boring and narcissistic. I feel the same way when people discuss their dreams. (By dreams I am referring to what runs through ones mind as s/he sleeps.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,360 posts, read 8,388,646 times
Reputation: 8595
Quote:
It seems that people in open relationships are very open about discussing their side sexual escapades.
And what makes you believe them? People lie about sex more than any other topic on earth, inflating their numbers, experience or the quality of their partners. In my experience, the bore anyone brags about their sex life, the more non-existent it usually is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 12:16 PM
 
393 posts, read 466,472 times
Reputation: 304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larkspur123 View Post
Many people don't desire to be in a relationship with someone who isn't exclusive. Do you think that at the very least, informing the other person you don't plan on staying exclusive, gives them the opportunity to decide whether they wish to stay in the relationship/arrangement etc. That seems fair to me.

I don't think just because someone might not "want" something in a partner, it means the partner is obligated to tell them about it. That's what my virgin at 21/23 analogy was meant to illustrate.

And if we're going to be "fair" to all parties, we should address the elephant in the room--someone who says that up front, at least in our society, will find their dating/romantic life largely ruined. It seems more unfair to ask someone to do that to themselves than it is to a prospective partner to not be told about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:05 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top