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Old 05-08-2013, 11:04 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RogersParkGuy View Post
I just told you I don't share details about my sex life, either. Did you bother reading what I wrote before answering?

Relationships are not usually carried on in secret. People know when you're with someone. People who know you well, people who you trust, people who you are close with, end up knowing certain things about you. That kind of sharing is important, especially when you are having troubles. You need friends to confide in. Why is this hard to understand?

If it is true no one in your life knows anything about your relationships, up to and including the fact you're in one, then that is what is strange.
Then how do your friends and family know you are sleeping with multiple people? Why wouldn't they assume you have a best female friend when you are seen with her outside of your primary relationship, how do they know you are having sex with her? I asked again because that doesn't make sense to me. Why is my query so hard to understand?

Are you always this nasty and defensive? Are you sure you are happy with your lifestyle? It doesn't seem to be doing much for your personality nor communication skills.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,391 posts, read 4,488,864 times
Reputation: 7857
[quote=OngletNYC;29475958]Then how do your friends and family know you are sleeping with multiple people? Why wouldn't they assume you have a best female friend when you are seen with her outside of your primary relationship, how do they know you are having sex with her? I asked again because that doesn't make sense to me. Why is my query so hard to understand?

Most of my family doesn't know. Only close friends know.

I have answered your question, clearly and politely, multiple times. You're still not getting it (or pretending not to). For some reason I can't know, you have a giant chip on your shoulder about this.

This conversation is now over. Grow up.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:18 AM
 
6,732 posts, read 10,009,350 times
Reputation: 6849
@OngletNYC:

People who are married or dating someone seriously generally let that fact be public knowledge. It's not a secret that they have a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. This is not considered 'talking about their sex life'. Instead, it is 'talking about the existence of their partner'. There is a difference.

It's the same with poly people. If someone has two husbands, or a husband and a ten-year-long boyfriend relationship, that is not a secret. And it does not involve talking about sex.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:31 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,211,792 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
@OngletNYC:

People who are married or dating someone seriously generally let that fact be public knowledge. It's not a secret that they have a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. This is not considered 'talking about their sex life'. Instead, it is 'talking about the existence of their partner'. There is a difference.

It's the same with poly people. If someone has two husbands, or a husband and a ten-year-long boyfriend relationship, that is not a secret. And it does not involve talking about sex.
This.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:38 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
[quote=RogersParkGuy;29476164]
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Then how do your friends and family know you are sleeping with multiple people? Why wouldn't they assume you have a best female friend when you are seen with her outside of your primary relationship, how do they know you are having sex with her? I asked again because that doesn't make sense to me. Why is my query so hard to understand?
Quote:
Most of my family doesn't know. Only close friends know.

I have answered your question, clearly and politely, multiple times. You're still not getting it (or pretending not to). For some reason I can't know, you have a giant chip on your shoulder about this.

This conversation is now over. Grow up.
So your close friends are the ones who are judgmental? Why are you friends with them? shouldn't you pick a better group of friends?

Oh I see you are taking your marbles and going home... apologies for the tough line of questioning... heh
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:40 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
@OngletNYC:

People who are married or dating someone seriously generally let that fact be public knowledge. It's not a secret that they have a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. This is not considered 'talking about their sex life'. Instead, it is 'talking about the existence of their partner'. There is a difference.

It's the same with poly people. If someone has two husbands, or a husband and a ten-year-long boyfriend relationship, that is not a secret. And it does not involve talking about sex.

Are you in an open relationship? Or do you think Rogers lacks the mental capacity to speak for himself?
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:45 AM
 
6,732 posts, read 10,009,350 times
Reputation: 6849
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Are you in an open relationship? Or do you think Rogers lacks the mental capacity to speak for himself?
I just thought it might be helpful to hear it phrased differently, by another person. It seemed like you and he had some crossed signals.

I have been in open/poly relationships for many years, but am currently choosing to date no-one and focus on other aspects of life.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:51 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,689,923 times
Reputation: 10386
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I just thought it might be helpful to hear it phrased differently, by another person. It seemed like you and he had some crossed signals.

I have been in open/poly relationships for many years, but am currently choosing to date no-one and focus on other aspects of life.
Well he just said himself that he does not let the public know, only close friends, and he does not tell family. I think I have to go with his words when it comes to his relationships. If you want to contribute to the conversation based on your own relationships, by all means do so. I don't think it is fair for you to put words into the mouth of another poster.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:06 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,211,792 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by RogersParkGuy View Post
If you need a don't-ask-don't-tell policy to be at peace with an "open" relationship, then open relationships are not for you.

I can tell you, from experience, that one of the joys of being in an open relationship is that you and your primary partner can openly talk about what you do sexually and not feel threatened or jealous. It is hard to describe just how liberating that is. The whole point of being in an open relationship with someone is that you are so close, so solid with each other, that you don't need to appease each other's insecurities by being sexually exclusive. If you need a don't-ask-don't-tell policy, then you and your partner have not reached the point yet where you're secure enough in your devotion to each other to have an open relationship.
It is extremely difficult to explain to vanilla folks, but what you are saying makes perfect sense to me. The primacy of sexual exclusivity as a measurement of commitment goes so far in the popular mindset as to make jealousy a desirable thing! As with he loves me so much that he is jealous of other men's attention to me. It is difficult for that mindset to shift to love and life commitment not being hooked to that kind of exclusivity.

It gets even hairier to some when the exclusivity does not even include romantic or partner exclusivity. We use language like "I love him with all my heart" as if the amount of love that fits in one heart is finite. To give it to one makes it necessarily unavailable to another. In my experience, that exists as reality only in the minds of people who see it so.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:07 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,211,792 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Well he just said himself that he does not let the public know, only close friends, and he does not tell family. I think I have to go with his words when it comes to his relationships. If you want to contribute to the conversation based on your own relationships, by all means do so. I don't think it is fair for you to put words into the mouth of another poster.

What difference does it make what experience people bring from their own relationships? You seem perfectly happy to say all kinds of things about these relationships in which you have no experience.
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