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That said, isn't 43 a little long in the tooth to be making such stringent demands of a potential partner?
It's unlikely there are gonna be any kids from that match unless they're adopted. Why the need for a Catholic guy?
ETA: Had a kid out of wedlock. On purpose. I was 22 at the time. Father offered to marry me. I refused. He's a good guy and all, but he wasn't ready for marriage. He did marry about 6-7 years later. Nice wife. I like her.
Also had kids IN wedlock. That wound up in divorce.
Currently married. We've been together a long time. Had a long relationship prior to marrying. Spouse is 13 years younger than me and has never minded that I have kids. He gets along very well with them.
Religion was never an issue in our relationship, though we were both raised Christian. We don't attend church and I'm pretty much an agnostic. I think he is at this point, too, but we don't talk about religion unless it's a philosophical discussion.
So, to recap. Kid out of wedlock? Check. Kids while married? Check. Divorced? Check. Married a to a decent, intelligent, gainfully employed, successful man? Check.
It's funny busting stereotypes.
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Ok Iddy I'll be the one to stand up for you on this one.
I am the 2nd wife, my first marriage though. It may be different if both spouses were divorced or widowed but there is a big DIFF when it comes to being a woman's first marriage.
Come on ya'll, walk a mile in my shoes...sorry but you're gonna find some sand spurs along the journey. And don't you dare think I've got a chip on my shoulder because I don't, in fact I love my life but it ain't always easy being #2 in a man's heart. It takes a certain type of woman to subject herself to sufferings associated with it so I don't blame IDDY for foreseeing it's faults and not wanting a part of them. That said, I wouldn't trade anything for being able to be my husband's wife and stepmother to his children who I love like nobody's business.
1. If he has children from the first marriage - THEY COME BEFORE THE NEW SPOUSE- PERIOD, END OF STORY.
2. A man's first wife will always be the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN!!!!! You however, are NOT but are expected to love, clean after, cook for, nurse, etc, his children as your very own and die for them if need be. BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN - PERIOD, END OF STORY. (FYI to the people who don't understand why this is important. Mother of his children is one of the most beloved titles a man can give a woman.)
The following is just a sample of trivial things that have bugged me over the years being the 2nd wife:
I wanted the song for our first dance at our wedding to be "You're the First, My Last, My Everything," by Barry White. It was my dream song. My then fiance, now husband, said no. After giving it some thought I decided it was best not to ask him why or plead my case for the song - realizing then that I was not his first so he didn't want the song. We went over many songs to use and finally he threw out all mine on the list and came up with L O V E by Nat King Cole at the last minute. Which is a nice song but very generic and not very romantic or sentimentally personal. But I didn't have time to argue or pick another one before our wedding day. It still makes me cry a little when I hear Barry White's My First, My Last, My Everything on the radio. You can call me an egotist for wanting to be my husband's first love but you haven't walked in my shoes.
See, I was the one who fell crazy in love with him as I wiped his tears after the divorce. I was the one who built him up after she tore him down to nothing and took everything he had. Yet I will always just be #2. So go ahead and call me an egotist...and I'll punch you right in the nose for it too. <<<yeah, that sort of rhymed.
Last edited by GINGERSNAP1963; 05-07-2013 at 07:16 PM..
Ok Iddy I'll be the one to stand up for you on this one.
I am the 2nd wife, my first marriage though. It may be different if both spouses were divorced or widowed but there is a big DIFF when it comes to being a woman's first marriage.
Come on ya'll, walk a mile in my shoes...sorry but you're gonna find some sand spurs along the journey. And don't you dare think I've got a chip on my shoulder because I don't, in fact I love my life but it ain't always easy being #2 in a man's heart. It takes a certain type of woman to subject herself to sufferings associated with it so I don't blame IDDY for foreseeing it's faults and not wanting a part of them. That said, I wouldn't trade anything for being able to be my husband's wife and stepmother to his children who I love like nobody's business.
1. If he has children from the first marriage - THEY COME BEFORE THE NEW SPOUSE- PERIOD, END OF STORY.
2. A man's first wife will always be the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN!!!!! You however, are NOT but are expected to love, clean after, cook for, nurse, etc, his children as your very own and die for them if need be. BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN - PERIOD, END OF STORY. (FYI to the people who don't understand why this is important. Mother of his children is one of the most beloved titles a man can give a woman.)
The following is just a sample of trivial things that have bugged me over the years being the 2nd wife:
I wanted the song for our first dance at our wedding to be "You're the First, My Last, My Everything," by Barry White. It was my dream song. My then fiance, now husband, said no. After giving it some thought I decided it was best not to ask him why or plead my case for the song - realizing then that I was not his first so he didn't want the song. We went over many songs to use and finally he threw out all mine on the list and came up with L O V E by Nat King Cole at the last minute. Which is a nice song but very generic and not very romantic or sentimentally personal. But I didn't have time to argue or pick another one before our wedding day. It still makes me cry a little when I hear Barry White's My First, My Last, My Everything on the radio. You can call me an egotist for wanting to be my husband's first love but you haven't walked in my shoes.
See, I was the one who fell crazy in love with him as I wiped his tears after the divorce. I was the one who built him up after she tore him down to nothing and took everything he had. Yet I will always just be #2. So go ahead and call me an egotist...and I'll punch you right in the nose for it too. <<<yeah, that sort of rhymed.
While I appreciate your post, personally, I do not agree with it. There is something wrong if you are being made to feel second. I don't care if you are his second wife or not.
I have been married and divorced and not a day goes by that my SO is ever made to feel second. I love him with all of my heart and I never sit here and think of loving my ex husband.
My SO came with me to my divorce. My ex husband not come. We left the courthouse and we celebrated together. I was finally divorced after over 5 years of separation.
You are young in your marriage and you need to set something straight right now. You cannot be in a marriage where you are made to feel like you are in second place. That is not right and it is unfair.
As someone with a bit of experience, if I felt that way, I would not have gotten married. Have you never been in a relationship or loved another man? Is his ex wife the only woman he ever loved?
People do find love outside of marriage and it becomes a part of who they are and their history. Because marriage vows were taken does not mean that is the only person they ever loved. For goodness sakes! You may be 7th in line, who knows! What you need to do is make sure you are treated right now, in the present and future, like you are his one and only.
As much as I love my SO, I could not be in a marriage with him if he was fawning after another woman. Of course I know he has had other relationships and other loves. Right now we are free and clear of that. We are in love with one another and no one else.
How long can you hurt because you are in second place? It has nothing to do with being a second spouse.
I am sorry I was so candid in my response, but it is def how I feel on the matter.
While I appreciate your post, personally, I do not agree with it. There is something wrong if you are being made to feel second. I don't care if you are his second wife or not.
I have been married and divorced and not a day goes by that my SO is ever made to feel second. I love him with all of my heart and I never sit here and think of loving my ex husband.
My SO came with me to my divorce. My ex husband not come. We left the courthouse and we celebrated together. I was finally divorced after over 5 years of separation.
You are young in your marriage and you need to set something straight right now. You cannot be in a marriage where you are made to feel like you are in second place. That is not right and it is unfair.
As someone with a bit of experience, if I felt that way, I would not have gotten married. Have you never been in a relationship or loved another man? Is his ex wife the only woman he ever loved?
People do find love outside of marriage and it becomes a part of who they are and their history. Because marriage vows were taken does not mean that is the only person they ever loved. For goodness sakes! You may be 7th in line, who knows! What you need to do is make sure you are treated right now, in the present and future, like you are his one and only.
As much as I love my SO, I could not be in a marriage with him if he was fawning after another woman. Of course I know he has had other relationships and other loves. Right now we are free and clear of that. We are in love with one another and no one else.
How long can you hurt because you are in second place? It has nothing to do with being a second spouse.
I am sorry I was so candid in my response, but it is def how I feel on the matter.
You misunderstood my post entirely dear. He does not make me feel as if I am second. And no he is not the first man I ever loved and even if he wasn't married before I wouldn't want to be his first love since we were both in our late 30's when we met many years ago and that would have just made him a weirdo.
What I was trying to say was that being a second wife, after a man had truly loved his first wife, there is a bit of unfairness. You were married before, so this is your second too, so there is a BIG difference. See dear you've never walked in my shoes so you cannot begin to relate to what I was trying to say. I was 40 when I got married. My husband was too and no he never, ever cried on my shoulders about how much he loved his ex-wife when we dated. In fact, he rarely brought up his feeling for her. Seeking to help him I had to bring her up so I could try to heal him from the pain.
I never intended or meant to say that he makes me feel this, it's the circumstances that will put a wife #2 - if she herself has never been married before - in this position. I think you jumped straddle legged too quickly honey.
I'm with Pikantari, my husband has never made me feel less, or that he has "been there, done that."
While I agree that none of us have walked in your shoes, I wouldn't have married if I didn't feel like number one, above all others (kids being the exception, rightfully), brand spanking new.
So, everyone's situation is unique.
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To marry in the Catholic Church requires only two things:
That one has not been married in the Catholic Church before, or, if so, has an annulment.
That one who is not Catholic will not stand in the way of the Catholic spouse raising any children born to them Catholic.
That's it. IDDY can marry an atheist, agnostic, Jew, Protestant, Buddhist, Rastafarian, Pastafarian, you name it, as long as he was not previously married in the Catholic Church before and he promises to let her raise their kids Catholic.
Of course, if IDDY is serious about her Catholicism, she would not be open to the idea of premarital sex, either, but we see how that has played out.
Actually it's a lot to be a catholic. I was a Catholic and there were years of 6 yrs of education. Lots of test and ceremonies.
Why can't you date an atheist? Because they don't share the same values as you do? What are those values exactly?
I believe in Christ an atheist does not.
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