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In a nutshell, I got married before I was ready. Before I had really worked on myself and consistently maintained my own happiness as a single person.
It DOES NOT get easier with one more person in the equation
(and this is for all you people who think that getting into a relationship/marriage/meeting the One will automatically fix a lot of your problems ... well yeah It didn't for me. Not that I was expecting it to. The marriage got preponed for unavoidable reasons.)
Any advice?
I want him to be supportive/motivating but I really think that telling him all my $--t is getting his feelings hurt-ed. And I also don't feel comfortable being so vulnerable to him and letting him shape my progress/taking his directions as opposed to feeling okay with doing what feels right to me.
When you get someone's advice, it has an effect on you. Plus if it's your well meaning new husband's, it affects his ego when you really want to go a 360 to what he's lovingly suggesting.
Not to mention, lately the marriage is turning out to be a lot different to what I was expecting. He is also behaving differently than I was expecting to see of a "man in love".
No flowers. No weekend trips. No planning. Not much effort on his end.
Guess you really gotta love yourself before they can really love you. *le sigh.
I guess my question is - what's a good way to set boundaries in such a close relationship (husband/wife), when you are also simultaneously trying to work on yourself a lot and trying to change yourself ? Two many cooks spoil the broth ?
I don't want to get a divorce... but I definitely would encourage any single person reading this - When you meet "the One", really take your time with each other and talk about your expectations of the relationship and marriage before you commit to be engaged and get married. Especially between the engagement and marriage.
Also ask your heart what feels true. And don't worry about what others will think.
Sounds like you have two seperate needs, which need to be handled both seperately and together.
I would recommend, for your own personal dissatisfaction, to seek out some individual one on one counseling. The baggage you brought into the marriage needs to be worked on and resolved, which you seem to know. You can talk to your husband about this too, and ask for his help and support in your search to resolve it. However, it does not sound like he has a role in this dissatisfaction since it was there before the marriage.
Now, as for relationship expectations, you and your husband need to communicate and talk it out. Couples counseling may be in order and prove beneficial. It is not uncommon for married men to not "chase" their wife in the same way as before the marriage. Being together can become common and routine. It is definately good for the husband to occasionally get flowers or do spontaneous, romantic things to keep that love and spark kindled. That said, do not assume he is doing nothing. You see him as doing nothing, and he may feel he is working hard on pleasing you and meeting your expectations, but may not have the same image of what those expectations are. You need to be clear on what you expect, and know what he expects. Do not assume anything. If discussing this stuff is difficult, it is where couples counseling can really help!
In a nutshell, I got married before I was ready. Before I had really worked on myself and consistently maintained my own happiness as a single person.
It DOES NOT get easier with one more person in the equation
(and this is for all you people who think that getting into a relationship/marriage/meeting the One will automatically fix a lot of your problems ... well yeah It didn't for me. Not that I was expecting it to. The marriage got preponed for unavoidable reasons.)
Any advice?
I want him to be supportive/motivating but I really think that telling him all my $--t is getting his feelings hurt-ed. And I also don't feel comfortable being so vulnerable to him and letting him shape my progress/taking his directions as opposed to feeling okay with doing what feels right to me.
When you get someone's advice, it has an effect on you. Plus if it's your well meaning new husband's, it affects his ego when you really want to go a 360 to what he's lovingly suggesting.
Not to mention, lately the marriage is turning out to be a lot different to what I was expecting. He is also behaving differently than I was expecting to see of a "man in love".
No flowers. No weekend trips. No planning. Not much effort on his end.
Guess you really gotta love yourself before they can really love you. *le sigh.
I guess my question is - what's a good way to set boundaries in such a close relationship (husband/wife), when you are also simultaneously trying to work on yourself a lot and trying to change yourself ? Two many cooks spoil the broth ?
I don't want to get a divorce... but I definitely would encourage any single person reading this - When you meet "the One", really take your time with each other and talk about your expectations of the relationship and marriage before you commit to be engaged and get married. Especially between the engagement and marriage.
Also ask your heart what feels true. And don't worry about what others will think.
In a nutshell, I got married before I was ready. Before I had really worked on myself and consistently maintained my own happiness as a single person.
It DOES NOT get easier with one more person in the equation
(and this is for all you people who think that getting into a relationship/marriage/meeting the One will automatically fix a lot of your problems ... well yeah It didn't for me. Not that I was expecting it to. The marriage got preponed for unavoidable reasons.)
Any advice?
I want him to be supportive/motivating but I really think that telling him all my $--t is getting his feelings hurt-ed. And I also don't feel comfortable being so vulnerable to him and letting him shape my progress/taking his directions as opposed to feeling okay with doing what feels right to me.
When you get someone's advice, it has an effect on you. Plus if it's your well meaning new husband's, it affects his ego when you really want to go a 360 to what he's lovingly suggesting.
Not to mention, lately the marriage is turning out to be a lot different to what I was expecting. He is also behaving differently than I was expecting to see of a "man in love".
No flowers. No weekend trips. No planning. Not much effort on his end.
Guess you really gotta love yourself before they can really love you. *le sigh.
I guess my question is - what's a good way to set boundaries in such a close relationship (husband/wife), when you are also simultaneously trying to work on yourself a lot and trying to change yourself ? Two many cooks spoil the broth ?
I don't want to get a divorce... but I definitely would encourage any single person reading this - When you meet "the One", really take your time with each other and talk about your expectations of the relationship and marriage before you commit to be engaged and get married. Especially between the engagement and marriage.
Also ask your heart what feels true. And don't worry about what others will think.
Thanks, y'all.
For starters, I gently remind you that marriage is not about flowers, weekend trips, or planning. It's about partnership and building a life and home together.
Honestly? I so rarely suggest this, but a life coach or counselor would probably do you a world of good. That's the person with the training and background who can help you shape yourself. (Neither your husband nor anyone else should be shaping you. That's your gig.)
But look at it this way: You've already learned a lot. You understand the importance of loving yourself and being happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
As far as your husband goes, in your shoes, I would not ask him for advice, and if he gives it unsolicited, I would say that while I appreciate his concern, I need to figure it out for myself, and that it would be better for both of us if I did so. You do have to do what feels right for you, and he, as your partner in life, needs to understand that it's okay for you to think differently and take different approaches to things than he does. He should not be getting his knickers in a wad if he's trying to offer you unsolicited advice and you don't follow it.
Just beware of complaining too much around him. Most men I know will offer solutions and advice if someone (male or female) mentions a problem. They tend to be fixers, and if you complain a lot, you might hear, "Well, are you just complaining? Or do you want to change it? Because I've already offered you ideas and you haven't done anything with them."
I live with friends who have been married 30 years and I would say they almost hate each other.
It's tough to stay married, even with the best of intentions. Familiarity breeds contempt, and tiny slights build up over the years to enormous grudges.
It seems like the only "long term" marriages are the dysfunctional ones, these days.
I live with friends who have been married 30 years and I would say they almost hate each other.
It's tough to stay married, even with the best of intentions. Familiarity breeds contempt, and tiny slights build up over the years to enormous grudges.
It seems like the only "long term" marriages are the dysfunctional ones, these days.
I'm happily married and I've been with my SO 20+ years we've been through a lot and it is hard at times but the key is communication and expressing your feelings letting yourself be open and honest with your spouse. My SO and I share common interests and we treat each other as important as if we just started dating. It's important not to assume you know what/how your spouse feels/thinks. You also need to make yourself a priority and get to know what you think and like, you are in charge of your own happiness it's hard to control your feelings but the better you get to know yourself the easier it becomes. Good luck
When you get someone's advice, it has an effect on you. Plus if it's your well meaning new husband's, it affects his ego when you really want to go a 360 to what he's lovingly suggesting.
Thanks, y'all.
I think you meant a '180,' since a 360 would bring you back to the same spot.
And what is "preponed??"
The fact that you don't trust your husband and his influence on you is very troubling.
I'm happily married and I've been with my SO 20+ years we've been through a lot and it is hard at times but the key is communication and expressing your feelings letting yourself be open and honest with your spouse. My SO and I share common interests and we treat each other as important as if we just started dating. It's important not to assume you know what/how your spouse feels/thinks. You also need to make yourself a priority and get to know what you think and like, you are in charge of your own happiness it's hard to control your feelings but the better you get to know yourself the easier it becomes. Good luck
Lol I know you aren't directing this advice to me.
Marriage sounds like torture to me. As I said to my friend, "you could've murdered him on your wedding night and been free 20 years ago"
30 years is a long, longgggg time for both parties to remain that committed.
Lol I know you aren't directing this advice to me.
Marriage sounds like torture to me. As I said to my friend, "you could've murdered him on your wedding night and been free 20 years ago"
30 years is a long, longgggg time for both parties to remain that committed.
I was commenting on the fact that you've said long term relationships are usually dysfunctional anyway people often forget to put effort into relationships that's why they are dysfunctional or don't last. People often go into relationships thinking its always going to be easy and candy and flowers and love notes well if that's what you like then make sure your mate really enjoys things like that too. People often put out false personas and After their mate has fallen for that character they are pretending to be is when people then began to show their true colors. Communication and common interests and priorities are the key to a happy relationship or marriage IMHO
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Tackle me...
I'm happily married and I've been with my SO 20+ years we've been through a lot and it is hard at times but the key is communication and expressing your feelings letting yourself be open and honest with your spouse. My SO and I share common interests and we treat each other as important as if we just started dating. It's important not to assume you know what/how your spouse feels/thinks. You also need to make yourself a priority and get to know what you think and like, you are in charge of your own happiness it's hard to control your feelings but the better you get to know yourself the easier it becomes. Good luck
anyway people often forget to put effort into relationships that's why they are dysfunctional or don't last. People often go into relationships thinking its always going to be easy and candy and flowers and love notes well if that's what you like then make sure your mate really enjoys things like that too. People often put out false personas and After their mate has fallen for that character they are pretending to be is when people then began to show their true colors. 
Communication and common interests and priorities are the key to a happy relationship or marriage IMHO 
