Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
...not so much that I missed him as I missed the life I had. We had so many plans and different things going on. The husband I knew is now dead and gone, and the shallow shell of a man that has taken his place is a person I don't know.
This is something I identify with so much. I don't even know the person who came home one night and told me that I had to find somewhere else to live. He's not the person I'd been building a future with for the five + years leading up to that point, that's for sure. I don't know the person who said and did harsh, cruel things in the next few weeks after that, while I struggled to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, gather my things and my pride, find a place to live in a city I'd moved to for him, go about my career without missing a beat, grieve the loss of my dog who he tossed in a shelter, etc.
I don't know who that person is, but it wasn't the person I uprooted my life to be with, not the person I shared holidays with, not the person my family welcomed as one of their own loved ones and cared for as their own son and brother, not the person I sat and hand-held during his therapy sessions, not the person I supported through his own personal trials and tribulations. The person I loved is gone. I try not to think that the reality may be that he never really WAS the person he pretended to be at all, but I know that's a definite likelihood.
Quote:
Count your blessings that you were able to walk away without the mess and devastation of divorce. Count your blessings that you don't have mutual kids involved. Take one day at a time, and don't give him any time of that day.
^^ This. I thank my stars every day that all we ever shared, really, was the poor little dog that he threw out as well. If we had had children (not that we would have), I have no doubt that he'd have wanted nothing to do with them, either (although the best thing he will ever be able to do if he ever does have children, which I doubt, would be to stay far, far away from them and not perpetuate the cycle of abuse and screwed-up-ness). I'm glad we never married, and didn't own our home together, even though my lack of being on the deed made me the homeless one. I can't imagine having that type of entanglement with someone who behaved so erratically and horribly.
Quote:
As each day goes by, you will be smiling for yourself rather than feeling sadness for him. You made some great choices to re-establish yourself, and you now have the benefit of being closer to your family.
Indeed. I considered going back to be closer to my family, but in the end, staying in my adopted city was the answer for me. There are very limited jobs for me in my hometown area, which was the main factor, but it's also true that I did NOT want to feel as if he and his actions chased me away from a place that had become MY home. I thought, "No. You don't "get to keep" this city. It's as much mine as it is yours." I doubt he'll stay here long, anyway. He really doesn't fit in.
At any rate, rebuilding your own life is something you will ultimately find so satisfying, it will outweigh any sadness or regret about him or your relationship, believe me. For me, it took a while to get over the gut punch of being made a fool. But after that, the realization that I get the chance to be happy, something he will never, ever have, started to really sink in. I win. It's a beautiful thing.
My parents split when I was a baby, and my dad remarried. He was married to her for 18 yrs, I believe it was, he cheated on her like he thought he was some kind of Italian mob boss.... he even brought me around his "girlfriends" when I was younger.
I personally have never cheated on any woman I was in a committed relationship with....not tooting my own horn, just sayin.....
It doesn't always follow suit that if you're parent cheats, that you will.
Sorry that happened to you... I know that it leaves scars on people and makes them reluctant to give their hearts away to others.....
It's great that you haven't allowed things that went on in your family to affect how you approach relationships. Sadly, my ex is not the same way. He both hates and idolizes his dad, one minute decrying his behavior, his multiple marriages and girlfriends, his ongoing adultery, his coldness, his throwaway view of people, both lovers and family/friends...the next striving to emulate it, because he spends most of his time desperately clawing for acceptance. He's a screwed up puppy; you sound more stable by a landslide.
It's great that you haven't allowed things that went on in your family to affect how you approach relationships. Sadly, my ex is not the same way. He both hates and idolizes his dad, one minute decrying his behavior, his multiple marriages and girlfriends, his ongoing adultery, his coldness, his throwaway view of people, both lovers and family/friends...the next striving to emulate it, because he spends most of his time desperately clawing for acceptance. He's a screwed up puppy; you sound more stable by a landslide.
I don't want to hijack this thread with my "issues" but, I appreciate what you're saying here... I, like a lot of people, have issues or problems, but I sometimes read things here that makes me drop my jaw.... I realize I'm not a screwed up as I think I am.... I at least recognize my issues and am trying to steer the ship towards the right direction...so many people just float through their lives oblivious to the havoc they wreak upon themselves and more importantly others.....
I was sitting wondering what makes people change. Could it be that they listen to their other friends/co-workers/people on message boards rather than sitting down and listening to their spouse?
I wracked my brain for the first few months trying to figure this out...what made him change? How did he go from the person so in love with me that he flew me across the country at a moment's notice to the person telling a bewildered me, who had sat at home with a homemade meal and bottle of wine to surprise him with a romantic dinner, "I'm tired of you, get out?" How did he go from wanting to build a future with me, buy a home, adopt a dog, become part of my family's life, becoming a son and brother, etc. In his Jeckyll-Hyde moments following the initial "this is over," conversation, while I was looking for somewhere else to go live, he did tell me many times that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, just that "He owed it to himself to be happy," a mantra he repeated over and over. Which begged the question in my mind, "Where did your happiness with me/us/our life go? Were all the times we walked the streets of our community hand in hand, laughing, sharing stories, taking our dog to the park, taking weekend roadtrips, staying up late talking about hopes and dreams, supporting one another's endeavors, fixing up our little house, making plans for the future, etc. just lies? Was he a master of the charade? And if so, why would someone do that for five years? How did this happen?
I still don't know.
Sometimes I think that he really was happy for most of those years, but that his happiness didn't meet with the approval of his family, who had other plans for him than the life he was building, and he finally got sucked back into that game, that he'd moved half a continent away from to escape. I think that ultimately, their approval (and their money) was too strong a pull. Other times, I think that he really never was happy; tried to be, but just didn't know how. So he let me think he was, because he figured he'd never really be happy anyway, so might as well make a go of it. For as long as he could.
I suspect he has by now realized that his unhappiness is from within himself, not from me, not from our relationship; that it predates me in his life, and is still there now that I've exited. I wonder what he'll chase next. But I don't wonder too much, or in anything but a head-shaking way.
I don't think he changed. I think he was trying on a different life, took me along for the ride, found the new life an ill fit, and when it didn't work out, tossed me out along with everything else. He's a user, and it's not my fault
I'm not sure what your ex's story is, but sometimes, people are just unhappy, and will spend their whole lives trying to catch an elusive something they will never understand enough to actually obtain. But you and I are lucky...we don't have to live that way.
I don't want to hijack this thread with my "issues" but, I appreciate what you're saying here... I, like a lot of people, have issues or problems, but I sometimes read things here that makes me drop my jaw.... I realize I'm not a screwed up as I think I am.... I at least recognize my issues and am trying to steer the ship towards the right direction...so many people just float through their lives oblivious to the havoc they wreak upon themselves and more importantly others.....
I try..... that's all we can do... right???
Totally. Most people don't go through life unscathed. But most of us are stable, healthy people who can pick ourselves up and interact with others without being compelled to cause them the kind of pain that others caused for us.
I don't wish to hijack, either...but I hope it helps the OP to realize that she's not alone. Many of us have trusted and loved and cared for someone who did not value what we had to offer, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel once you end a chapter in your life with some one like that.
There is a quote...it's attributed to E.M. Forster, although as with all quotes sourced on the internet, who's to say who actually said it...but it's good. It's brought me a lot of peace of mind in the past nine months. It goes,
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
I like that. Letting go of where I thought my life was going was the hard part. Not getting over the guy. That happened the instant he told me it was over and that he "owed it to himself to pursue something with someone else," a pursuit he had unsurprisingly already begun, albeit unbeknownst to me. Yeah, not pining over somebody who does that. But pining over my lost life? My lost dog? Five lost years? Yeah, that's where the grieving came in. Putting the above quote somewhere where I'd see it every day helped immeasureably, though. It helps you be strong.
This is something I identify with so much. I don't even know the person who came home one night and told me that I had to find somewhere else to live. He's not the person I'd been building a future with for the five + years leading up to that point, that's for sure. I don't know the person who said and did harsh, cruel things in the next few weeks after that, while I struggled to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, gather my things and my pride, find a place to live in a city I'd moved to for him, go about my career without missing a beat, grieve the loss of my dog who he tossed in a shelter, etc.
I don't know who that person is, but it wasn't the person I uprooted my life to be with, not the person I shared holidays with, not the person my family welcomed as one of their own loved ones and cared for as their own son and brother, not the person I sat and hand-held during his therapy sessions, not the person I supported through his own personal trials and tribulations. The person I loved is gone. I try not to think that the reality may be that he never really WAS the person he pretended to be at all, but I know that's a definite likelihood.
So much of this is exactly how it was/is for me. I, too, wonder if the life we had was fake or if the one he is living is fake. There have been so many lies, that one can't tell where the truth (if there is any) begins and ends.
Quote:
Indeed. I considered going back to be closer to my family, but in the end, staying in my adopted city was the answer for me. There are very limited jobs for me in my hometown area, which was the main factor, but it's also true that I did NOT want to feel as if he and his actions chased me away from a place that had become MY home. I thought, "No. You don't "get to keep" this city. It's as much mine as it is yours." I doubt he'll stay here long, anyway. He really doesn't fit in.
There were very limited number of jobs back home for me as well, but I felt as though I didn't have a big choice. That is where family is. I don't feel that he chased me away, because I always told him that if we ever split up, I'd move back home, that there was nothing there for me but him. That's when he'd tell me that he would always love me and that it would never happen. I was able to get a job, so I'm good. I am surrounded by family who love him and accepted him and are still in shock and full of disappointment, as I am.
Quote:
It's great that you haven't allowed things that went on in your family to affect how you approach relationships. Sadly, my ex is not the same way. He both hates and idolizes his dad, one minute decrying his behavior, his multiple marriages and girlfriends, his ongoing adultery, his coldness, his throwaway view of people, both lovers and family/friends...the next striving to emulate it, because he spends most of his time desperately clawing for acceptance. He's a screwed up puppy; you sound more stable by a landslide.
Unfortunately, I think this is how my ex feels or at least how he's behaved.
I wracked my brain for the first few months trying to figure this out...what made him change? How did he go from the person so in love with me that he flew me across the country at a moment's notice to the person telling a bewildered me, who had sat at home with a homemade meal and bottle of wine to surprise him with a romantic dinner, "I'm tired of you, get out?" How did he go from wanting to build a future with me, buy a home, adopt a dog, become part of my family's life, becoming a son and brother, etc. In his Jeckyll-Hyde moments following the initial "this is over," conversation, while I was looking for somewhere else to go live, he did tell me many times that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, just that "He owed it to himself to be happy," a mantra he repeated over and over. Which begged the question in my mind, "Where did your happiness with me/us/our life go? Were all the times we walked the streets of our community hand in hand, laughing, sharing stories, taking our dog to the park, taking weekend roadtrips, staying up late talking about hopes and dreams, supporting one another's endeavors, fixing up our little house, making plans for the future, etc. just lies? Was he a master of the charade? And if so, why would someone do that for five years? How did this happen?
Again, this is exactly what happened to me. Are you sure we didn't have the same man? LOL The only thing is that I was told, "I want my independence,". Oh, and let's not forget, "She's just a friend."
Quote:
I still don't know.
Sometimes I think that he really was happy for most of those years, but that his happiness didn't meet with the approval of his family, who had other plans for him than the life he was building, and he finally got sucked back into that game, that he'd moved half a continent away from to escape. I think that ultimately, their approval (and their money) was too strong a pull. Other times, I think that he really never was happy; tried to be, but just didn't know how. So he let me think he was, because he figured he'd never really be happy anyway, so might as well make a go of it. For as long as he could.
I, too, wonder if all the laughter, the smiles, the private moments were fake. If they were, then he is a master - and that's nothing to be proud of.
I don't consider either of you as hijacking the thread. If what you says helps someone, I'm all for it. Thank each of you for your support, your time and your kindness.
So much of this is exactly how it was/is for me. I, too, wonder if the life we had was fake or if the one he is living is fake. There have been so many lies, that one can't tell where the truth (if there is any) begins and ends.
I hear this. In my case, there were tiny deceptions from the get-go...nothing big or red-flag worthy, but in retrospect, they all added up. He introduced himself to me with a name that isn't even his name, for instance. Not an alias, or anything, but a variant of his name that, turned out, he didn't really go by. He played it off as "trying out a nickname, it just didn't stick." No biggie. But looking back, it was probably my first indication that he was trying to build a new life, and building it on something other than honesty, and it was doomed to fail.
I found out several years into our relationship about past problems he'd had that, had I known going in, certainly would have given me pause about entering into a relationship with him. He acted like it was no big deal, the failure to disclose was no big deal. I actually only found out because he got wasted in Vegas, and we were having cocktails with his father and his girlfriend du jour, and the GF was trying to one-up him with "shocking" stories from her past, and he blurted them out...surely wouldn't have sober, because he never would have wanted me to know. I more or less stopped trusting him at some level at that point. To this day, I wonder, of all the things he told me, what was true and what wasn't.
I honestly think there are entire supposed life's experiences pre-me that he completely and utterly made up. The official line for years has been that he took off and went to work for the National Park Service, lived in the wilderness for six months, before moving on to an office job in a city in that same state, and that's the point at which I met him. For various reasons, I have come to the sick realization that I would be well within my rights and the confines of basic common sense to seriously doubt that this ever even occurred, at least the way he tells it. Who makes up entire swaths of their life to sound more interesting, but someone with pathological problems? He's something of a fabulist, but he comes by it out of years of living by example. His dad is the biggest fraud in the world. Really, though, more than out and out lie, I think he lied by omission about a lot of things, in retrospect. So much that he kept guarded and probably will never put words to, because he can't deal with it. I have my ideas, always did, but none of that matters, now, and more's the better.
Quote:
There were very limited number of jobs back home for me as well, but I felt as though I didn't have a big choice. That is where family is. I don't feel that he chased me away, because I always told him that if we ever split up, I'd move back home, that there was nothing there for me but him. That's when he'd tell me that he would always love me and that it would never happen. I was able to get a job, so I'm good. I am surrounded by family who love him and accepted him and are still in shock and full of disappointment, as I am.
I understand this feeling. I would have felt the same way, except that the city I adopted really and truly did become my home. I would venture to say it's become more my home than my ex's (he was new to the city when we first got together, too, which is probably part of why he wanted me to come and be with him). I put down roots, made a circle of friends, found a job that was important to me, not just a stepping stone on the way to various nebulous "better things," all things my ex never did. My family is amazing, but I've found that their support has buoyed me up just as it would if they weren't 500 miles away.
Honestly, though, the thing I felt most awful about in the aftermath of the breakup was that, in playing me for a fool, he also played my beloved family for fools. They adored him, really and truly felt that he was genuine and the real deal, as did I. My parents were absolutely brokenhearted, shocked, crushed and bitterly disappointed, too. It makes me weep to think of how it wounded my dad, in particular, to the core, as he had always thought the absolute world of my ex...far more than my ex's own father ever did, or ever will think of him. And he threw that away, too. I'm almost more angry at him for betraying my family's trust and failing to value their love and good will than ever was for him doing the same to me. They treated him so well, and he just sh*t on everybody.
OP, as you can see, I'm very much still processing, this many months out. This will likely happen for you, too.
I did realize, when I met someone amazing back in December, that I had to come to terms with a lot of this stuff in order to healthily move forward with somebody who is NOT THAT SAME KIND OF GUY. AT ALL. Writing it out is very therapeutic, and with every memory that I share, it just enforces to me more and more that I am in a better place without all that weighing down on me, and I am able to become the person who is ready to build something real and true and two sided and honest with a very stand-up person.
Of course heartbreaking and believe me i know cause im also going through a breakup. Not as devastating as yours in one sense (i dont think he lied to me or was a different person than i thought, i still love and respect him) but very painful.
And that quote of E.M Forster: im tempted to paint it on my wall, it is SO good (and true).
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
