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It's been 4 months today since I walked out of our apartment and moved back home - 600 miles away.
The last couple of days were tough. When I think of the 8 years of good times that I had, of us walking into stores holding hands, of going to antique shops, of wrestling around on the bed on a Sunday morning, that's when I get so depressed. I never knew I could miss someone so much. I never realized that I would miss saying, "I love you." I so want to say those words again.
But when I think of him going out on me, of me crying my eyes out while he just stood there, of him talking to her on the phone while I was in the same room, of him leaving me with his son while he "went to the store" for 2 hours, that's when I get hurtful. When I hurt like that I get angry.
I do have some good news, though. I got pre-approved for a home loan! I will be able to shop for a little house. It will be bitter-sweet, because it's something I've wanted for a long time, but it's something I wanted to do with him.
Directed towards the OP…
It is perfectly normal to feel this way even though someone you loved hurt you…
To be completely honest? It is normal to reflect on “Old times” when you felt most loved and cherished, these were the good times…
These are your memories and they were a part of you good and bad…
It is okay to miss the good times, that’s the proof that you were in love once, and how good it felt..
In my opinion and experience? The good times were the hardest to stomach after my divorce…
I seemed to have a false sense of strength during the divorce, hating him for his infidelity and this kept me going, it was the weak moments I had of recalling his smell, his smile, how funny he was, all the good times we had, the birth of our son…
It was not until one day ( 2 years later) that I had picked up my son from my moms after work and a song came on the radio and I smiled without being conscience of it and my son asked me why I was so happy, I stated, “Your father and I use to listen to this song all the time when we were dating.”
He stated to me, ‘I thought you hated dad?” It was then that I realized that it was true I had been so busy ignoring any painful memories and truly hated him…and I said, “Oh no, I loved your father like no other, I would have followed him to the end of the earth.”
From that day forth I realized that my good memories of him should remain alive, that in order to accept the painful parts I had to remember the good times or else our relationship would have been in vain..
To this day, even though I hate to admit it, his dad can make me laugh even though I do not want to, he always had the dorky nature about him.
He knows me, everything about me..
I love him and I will not deny this but the love has changed..I love him as an important part of my life and giving me our son..
I no longer get angry at all he has done because I have forgiven him and myself..
You enjoy your home…You continue succeeding and remember it is okay to feel “happy” when you think of all the good times…forgive him and you…
Congrats on your accomplishments and hopefully you will find someone to share them with…Here is to new memories…
TabulaRasa: I am glad that writing to help me is helping you. By that, you are multi-tasking! LOL I, too, am processing a lot of things. People here have asked about the red flags and why I didn't see them. They weren't so much red flags at the time, but like you, as I look back and add things up, it all makes sense. Maybe everything had an accumulative effect. At the time he would say or do something, I would just roll my eyes and tell myself that he said/did that because "he's an only child and doesn't know how to compromise" or "he doesn't have the experience in ______" or "that's just the way he is, nobody's is perfect, I certainly am not". I gave him allowances with his attitude and behavior because I loved him. I wasn't looking for perfection. He is simply human. And once again, I was crazy in love with him. In fact, the in-love part continued (for me) through the whole first 8 years - right up until I knew something was up and he wasn't being straight with me.
The whole time I was with him, he came first with me. The whole time, he came first with himself. If it didn't benefit him, he wasn't going to do it/buy it/consider it. His office has a Christmas party every year and I think he never took me because he didn't want the people at work to know that I even existed. He wanted to keep his options open. Last Christmas, he went to the office party, bought a new suit, hid it from me and never brought it home. When I asked him were it was, he told me that it was at work, took a picture of it to show me, but never brought it for me to see. Makes me think of the Monica Lewinsky dress.
After I left, he continued to call me on average about once a week. He wanted to work it out. Well, calling me for 20 minutes once a week, is not putting forth any effort. He wanted me to move back. Of course, he wouldn't move here. Finally, in mid April (last month) I asked him to please stop calling me. I had a meltdown and I feared that I just wasn't going to be able to handle the on again, off again roller coaster of emotions. I don't need the drama. If his life is a mess, that's his problem. I have to put me first, since I've been dead last for so long.
He used to blame everything that happened to him on the traffice, the government, shallow women (the ones that now give him all the attention), tall good looking men (the ones he was jealous of because they got all the attention until he started getting attention), his mom, his ex wife, blah, blah, blah. When I left, I pointed my finger at him and said, "You have made a huge mistake. This is YOUR mess. You can't blame the government, your parents, your ex, or anyone but YOU for this F-up. This is all YOUR fault." BTW, I almost never use the F-word, but I was livid.
I, too, did a lot of giving of the benefit of the doubt regarding behavior, traits, and realities that, when added up together over the course of five years and all looked at at once, look like no-brainer red-flags. But as they made themselves known, bit by bit, individually over the years, they just seemed like, "Oh, he's not perfect. So? Neither is anyone else, me included." I don't regret being the type of person who gives the benefit of the doubt. I did at first, and that was the hardest thing to get over...the feeling that I'd been stupid and let someone play me for a fool. But as that gutpunch wore off, I thought, "No...not stupid. Not a fool. Just entered into things sincerely and with my whole hear, and trusted that the other person was sincere, too. Nothing to be ashamed of."
Like you, I adored him up until the night he dropped the bomb. We were in the process of planning a vacation that was to occur the next week...hotel paid for and everything. His birthday had been days before, and I had specially ordered books I knew he'd find meaningful, inscribed them with love. I made his favorite dessert from scratch for his birthday, took him to a baseball game, out to dinner at his favorite Thai restaurant, all things I knew he would love. He gave no inkling of what was in store. Then, when he came clean, that was it. A switch turned off, like that, the instant it hit me what a betrayal there had been. I was in more pain than I'd ever been in my life, outside of losing a loved one to death, but the love? Gone.
My ex also avoided my interacting with his work people (reasons for this became very clear, once he told me that his office mates were "rooting" for him and the work girl). He, too, had me pick out clothing that it turned out he was wearing to impress somebody else.
The blame thing was also big with my ex, like yours. His unhappiness was always because people weren't giving him what he felt was his due. He was always resentful of people who he felt had something more than he had, because he felt they couldn't possibly deserve it as much as he did. He was always jealous and bitter toward perceived "rivals," the more handsome guys, the taller guys, the richer guys, the "more popular" guys (yes, in his thirties, he was still worried about popularity in the junior high sense, if that tells you anything). I told him many times in the last years of our relationship that he alone was responsible for his own happiness, and to quit looking to other people/their approval for it.
The one difference is that we don't talk. We haven't, outside of a couple of short e-mails and maybe one brief phone conversation regarding basic administrative concerns, since I moved out. I almost never go back to the suburb where I lived with him (went once for an event with friends, and occasionally when accompanying my current S.O. when his work takes him there). I wouldn't even actually know whether or not he's still in the area, except that for some reason, a member of his family likes to randomly contact me and toss out little nuggets of info, presumably to see how/if I'll react.
It's a big thing to process, a relationship that long, especially when you are trying to go back and piece together what were truths, what were not, etc. One thing I do make a point to do...make sure my S.O. knows how much I appreciate him, and that any baggage to be worked through as the result of my time with my ex is nothing to do with him. I thought long and hard before I entered into a relationship with my wonderful S.O., because I wanted to make sure I was ready to trust someone fully.
OP, I really do think that when you have worked through the headspinning part of being blindsided, you'll come out feeling super strong and confident that you proceeded sincerely and with love. It's not your fault that someone wasn't honest with you (and, most likely, with himself). If you were sincere in your devotion and love, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And good things 'will come to you. I found somebody who values all the things I have to offer, and whose personality and values are really compatible with mine. He's completely renewed my faith that there really are some good, noble, people left in the world who aren't going to be all me-me-me-what-about-me-and-my-angst. I'm so looking forward to the life we are starting to build together. It just goes to show that whole bit about embracing the life that is waiting for you.
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