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Old 05-12-2013, 01:05 PM
 
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Quote:
I think the question to ask would be what would the impact if you saw your mom or dad with a different person every few months, some of whom turned out to be not so great people. You had a stable situation to branch out from to form all those other meaningful relationships.
I do think I am influenced by my mom's not-great taste in men. She stayed with them a long time, and they were not criminals or druggies or anything, just not real respectful to people.

But this includes my dad, so it's not a dating issue per se.
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Old 05-12-2013, 01:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
@Tina:

Well, with my mom it was the guy she left my dad for. About 10 years after breaking up with that guy, she dated another one for a couple months. We met him, but the relationship fizzled. I never asked details. My dad and he stayed friends for many years, though. They hit it off better than he and my mom .

My dad dated several women and married the third. Or at least, the third that got past the third date or so .

It is possible that my parents had some first dates that didn't go well, and that us kids did not hear about. But it seemed like if they were seeing someone for a few weeks or months, we met them. Not in any formal way, just being at the house at the same time.

Really, as a kid and a teen I was not highly interested in my parents' dating life and did not pay much attention to it. Is that not normal? I didn't care about their platonic friends, either. All that mattered was, does the friend or sweetie have any kids my age?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I do think I am influenced by my mom's not-great taste in men. She stayed with them a long time, and they were not criminals or druggies or anything, just not real respectful to people.

But this includes my dad, so it's not a dating issue per se.
Think about what you are saying though. Generally, you did not meet people your parents had not at least seen more than a few times. And really, that was only parent...your mom was with the same guy for 10 (12?) years from directly after the divorce onwards. And you only met 3 of the women your dad dated, with him marrying the third.

So while you may not have liked the guys your mother chose, they certainly weren't coming in and out of your life in a revolving door. You woke up every day, year to year, knowing who the primary parental figures in your life were. There was no sense it could change on a dime and you would have to figure out a whole new person next month. You even felt comfortable enough to ignore 2 of your father's girlfriends it sounds like! Not all kids feel they have that privilege. Some kids are always on guard, because they never know what to expect. You also had a chance to observe long term stable relationships and make choices on how you would or wouldn't conduct your own one day.

This is all some people are trying to do for their own kids. Some kids need it while others don't. They know their own children, you don't. If they feel they need to wait 6 months, that's what they will do. You can either hang with it or not because in the end, it is not about you anyway.

Last edited by Tinawina; 05-12-2013 at 01:57 PM..
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Old 05-12-2013, 01:53 PM
 
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I'm married, so I have not had to date with children. I have pondered this, however.

I tend to think that with smaller kids, I would introduce boyfriends with good potential after a handful of dates - as friends. Not as a romantic partner (which they don't understand well anyway.) The man would not spend a great deal of time around them, any alone time, nor would they view him as any more significant as any other friend. That could change around 6 months, or at whatever point I developed deeper trust in that man.

With older kids, that "get" sex and dating? Yes, I'd wait a long time. Doesn't mean he would only get an hour every other Thursday, or some kid glorifying boyfriend marginalizing scenario that you read about on here. But of course I have to protect my daughters from predators. On some level, a mom had better be running that subroutine forever, since her daughter's innocence is orders of magnitude more important than her own romantic needs.

If I dated a single dad (and I imagine I would,) I would respect any and all boundaries short of NEVER meeting the kids, and lifetime girlfriend status.
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:09 PM
 
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To me, there is a HUGE difference between waiting a few weeks or months to meet the kids, versus waiting 6 months.

It's important to me not to develop any romantic feelings for someone before I meet their kids. I can delay that for a few weeks, but not for 6 months. Also, this most likely means I have to delay having sex -- there is a limit to how long I am willing to wait for that, too.

I also think there is a difference between meeting the kids casually once or twice and becoming a parental figure to them. I am surprised that this all gets jumbled together in people's minds -- but I think it often does.
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:11 PM
 
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My parents' partners were never in a parental role with me and my sister, even when my mom's bf lived with us. Is that unusual? I thought it was pretty typical. Among other kids I know, the parental stuff was only after living in the same house for, I dunno, a couple of years?
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
To me, there is a HUGE difference between waiting a few weeks or months to meet the kids, versus waiting 6 months.

It's important to me not to develop any romantic feelings for someone before I meet their kids. I can delay that for a few weeks, but not for 6 months. Also, this most likely means I have to delay having sex -- there is a limit to how long I am willing to wait for that, too.

I also think there is a difference between meeting the kids casually once or twice and becoming a parental figure to them. I am surprised that this all gets jumbled together in people's minds -- but I think it often does.
It's not jumbled together. Some people just don't want their kids meeting a bunch of random adults even if its once or twice and casually. Some people don't care, others do. Probably the age and maturity level of the child involved plays a role.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
My parents' partners were never in a parental role with me and my sister, even when my mom's bf lived with us. Is that unusual? I thought it was pretty typical. Among other kids I know, the parental stuff was only after living in the same house for, I dunno, a couple of years?
I didn't mean that kind of parental role. I met more like an adult who becomes part of your family, someone you will know in a more intimate way.

Honestly you just seem unable to see this topic more than one way, the way in which YOU were raised. It all worked out for you so you can't get why anyone else would not do it that way and you have no tolerance for anyone who wants to move slower. People have their own comfort levels and different criteria for what it takes to get there. That's fine actually. There is no right or wrong. Just don't date those people you don't understand. **shrugs**
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:41 PM
 
Location: So Cal
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I've said this before, but I don't think you should bring them around for a good long time, or if you know that they are keepers.....


Kind of sucks, but that's my opinion on the matter.....
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:59 PM
 
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@Tina:

When I ask questions, it means I want to understand something that I do not understand yet. It does not mean that I want people to be like me. Is that different from you?

I thought I was learning all kinds of cool stuff from this thread. I thought I had learned that, sometimes, the reason for the 6 month rule is that people assume meeting = spending lots of time together = being in a parental role. And I can sure see why they would want to avoid getting into the last two, too early!

But now you are telling me that I got all that wrong? In that case, can you articulate what the problem is?
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:25 PM
 
6,139 posts, read 6,160,381 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
@Tina:

When I ask questions, it means I want to understand something that I do not understand yet. It does not mean that I want people to be like me. Is that different from you?

I thought I was learning all kinds of cool stuff from this thread. I thought I had learned that, sometimes, the reason for the 6 month rule is that people assume meeting = spending lots of time together = being in a parental role. And I can sure see why they would want to avoid getting into the last two, too early!

But now you are telling me that I got all that wrong? In that case, can you articulate what the problem is?
You very well may have learned that from some responses in this thread. That wouldn't have been from me however, since I didn't say that. There's more than one answer anyway.

I keep saying the same things:


1. Parents are going to be more interested in their kids well being than your preferences especially at first.
2. People will decide based on their own comfort levels, which will vary depending on each situation.
3. If they move slower than you like, there really isn't much you can do about it. Either deal with it or move on.

A parent's romantic life has the ability to affect the children. Some people are deliberate about the example they are setting, some dont worry about it. Some feel okay introducing kids in a week and some take longer to vet new people than others. There really is no explanation beyond that IMO. You keep looking for one. You keep bringing it back to your expeiences, implying that other things don't seem very logical I guess? What I keep trying to say that standards simply vary, there is no inherent superior logic either way beyond people will introduce new beaus when they are comfortable. Stick to people who's timetables a similar to yours. That's it.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:14 PM
 
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Of course standards vary. i take that as given.

It is interesting, though, that I have never seen a profile where the person's standard was 7 months. Or 5 months. It is always 6. This gives me the impression that there is a little more going on .
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