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Old 05-11-2013, 09:59 PM
 
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I often see people saying that they don't introduce their new sweetie to their kids until they have been together six months, because this is better than subjecting the kids to an endless parade of new beaux. Are there really no other ways of handling things?

Also, have you ever had a great relationship with the parent, but broken up because you and the kids didn't connect?

I can't imagine having sex with someone who is a parent if I haven't met their children. Well, maybe if the kids are adults . But otherwise, it would be like sleeping with someone when I had never seen where they live. I would feel that I didn't know hem well enough..
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Old 05-12-2013, 12:28 AM
 
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Nila,
Do you have children? I think I recall reading several of your posts and I do not think you do but I am not going to go back in time to find out lol…

Now I do not claim to speak for all single parents so I will state how I feel on the matter…

My son is my precious cargo..I would do anything to ensure he is safe, whole emotionally and succeeds in all he does in life, with this stated?

Being a divorced parent there is already emotional upset and adjustments for the children…therefore ensuring the next person you allow to come into their world? Is going to be long term, they are going to be a beneficial addition to the family…

So there is a reason for waiting for (6) months as you stated or even longer in some cases…

1. One is barely getting to know this person…Let us not forget that everyone is a stranger to us until we get to know them…
The way they are, their mannerisms, the way they live their lives and so forth.

I have personally dated some men for (4) months before finding out they have nasty habits.. Like one guy I dated who ended up to be a pot head and this is what he loved to do during his down time.. He did not state this initially but when I spent the weekend with him? This is what he did ( Get high) He was a professional business owner and never stated he smoked weed regularly to me…Matter of fact he left this out…
When I found this out? On my way home? I projected a few months from that point..Did I really want him to meet my son? I would never allow anyone who did drugs to meet my son or for my son to live in a home where drugs were being used..So I broke it off…

Not meaning he was a bad guy but his lifestyle choices did not coencide with mine as a parent..

2. When dating someone it is hard enough to get to know them and find the time to do so let alone bringing the kids into play..what happens if you two find out shortly after the relationship has started that you are not compatible?
Children are not stupid..The excuse “He is just a friend” is a novelty idea some single parents choose to use as if there children are complete morons

3. The children meet Mr right now and they adore him, okay what happens if you do not? You obviously Are not going to stay with this man simply because your kids love him…This will have them going through a semblance of the divorce again, the mentality that everyone leaves…


My main point, as parents there should be a responsibility to our children…
That them being exposed to multiple people in their lives does give them a sense of a “revolving door policy” That this is what relationships are about..that nothing is sacred or concrete…

You stated that you could not imagine being in a relationship with a man and not meeting his children unless they were older…
That you could not get a real sense of the way he lived?
Why is that?
His relationship with his children is really none of your business until you have both decided after time that the relationship is moving past casual and fun and you are seriously and responsibly thinking about making a life together…and really have taken the time to get to know one another..

I personally do not allow anyone to meet my son right away, my son is off limits and he will meet them should I feel I have had appropriate time to know this person..
Now my ex has done what you state you would like to do which is meeting the kids right away..
And what has happened?
He exposed my soon to his g/f ( the one he moved in with after I KICKED him at since he was having an affair with here.)
My ex was not even sure that they were compatible in any other area except bed..
He lived with her and she was horrible to my son…she criticized him for the way he was ( My son was 8). My ex fought with her constantly, my son was subjected to them fighting ALL the time, screaming matches whenever he stayed the weekend…I put a stop to it once my son told me and I took him back to mediation and won per judges decision that the home was not in his best interest every other weekemd.
What ended up happening? My ex left her while she on vacay with her son and moved out without a word…
Now my son? States that he has no faith in his father that his dad needs to grow up and pick women who are good to him and care for him ( His dad)
Sad that my son is aware of this…Thank goodness that I am not like this or my son would not have a sense of normalcy and security …
There is just an opinion from a single parent…
Take it or leave it..
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I often see people saying that they don't introduce their new sweetie to their kids until they have been together six months, because this is better than subjecting the kids to an endless parade of new beaux. Are there really no other ways of handling things?

Also, have you ever had a great relationship with the parent, but broken up because you and the kids didn't connect?

I can't imagine having sex with someone who is a parent if I haven't met their children. Well, maybe if the kids are adults . But otherwise, it would be like sleeping with someone when I had never seen where they live. I would feel that I didn't know hem well enough..
There are other ways of handling it, but it is really up to the parent.

Bottom line though... If you are dating a parent and that person is a responsible adult, your needs will in no way come first, especially not in the early days of dating. Decisions will always be made best on what is best for their kids. So you may not like their timelines, but it is what it is.

Last edited by Tinawina; 05-12-2013 at 10:09 AM..
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:02 AM
 
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OMG, no, I don't want to meet anyone's children before we're committed. That part of the relationship isn't about me. I get along well with children. They like me. If I'm with their dad, they're going to want me to stick around. And the odds are, I won't be sticking around - most relationships end. I'd rather be sure there's a reasonable chance of something long-term before I start involving little hearts in whatever it is we're building.
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:22 AM
 
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Of course not. You want to be careful who you are bringing into your kids' home, certainly. But believe it or not your kids can learn a lot about people from seeing their parents' significant others and friends.
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Old 05-12-2013, 10:55 AM
 
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I understand the concern about who kids form attachments to, whether those people will turn out to be good influences and whether they will stick around. I think it's good to be careful about that.

Do parents have the 6-month rule when it comes to other people in their kids' lives? For example, if there is a new child in your kid's class at school, is your kid not allowed to play with them for 6 months? What about new adult neighbors in the house or apartment next to yours? Can you have them over for coffee if your kids are home? If you get a new dentist, do you keep taking your kids to the old dentist for 6 months?

I've never heard of any of these practices, but maybe I am ignorant. If they really are uncommon, what makes romantic relationships different from other potentially long-term and influential relationships?
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
I understand the concern about who kids form attachments to, whether those people will turn out to be good influences and whether they will stick around. I think it's good to be careful about that.

Do parents have the 6-month rule when it comes to other people in their kids' lives? For example, if there is a new child in your kid's class at school, is your kid not allowed to play with them for 6 months? What about new adult neighbors in the house or apartment next to yours? Can you have them over for coffee if your kids are home? If you get a new dentist, do you keep taking your kids to the old dentist for 6 months?

I've never heard of any of these practices, but maybe I am ignorant. If they really are uncommon, what makes romantic relationships different from other potentially long-term and influential relationships?
Those examples you mentioned are not at all the same, to the point I can't tell whether you are being sincere. Are you serious with this? Next door neighbors are have the same emotional impact as the person porking your mom or dad? LOL. I mean if you want to say something just say it, don't do this kind of passive aggressive stuff.
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Those examples you mentioned are not at all the same, to the point I can't tell whether you are being sincere. Are you serious with this? Next door neighbors are have the same emotional impact as the person porking your mom or dad? LOL. I mean if you want to say something just say it, don't do this kind of passive aggressive stuff.
When I was a kid, I was much more strongly influenced by the neighbors, and by my friends in school, than by my parents bf/gf after they divorced. Not so much the dentist.

Was this not true for you? The friends I had as a kid and a teen shaped who I am today. And the neighbors were an amazing window into how a family could work differently from ours. As soon as I got the freedom to do so, I modeled my emerging sense of self on a couple of the neighbor women. And I have grown up to be a lot like them.

But my mom was with the same bf for 12 years, he is still a friend of the family 30 years later, and I don't feel I was influenced by him at all. I sometimes hang out with him, just us two, but that's only because we are the only two in the family who care about fireworks on the 4th of July. We have gone to them together a few times. But, otherwise, I find him boring and a little overbearing. I have never hung out alone with my dad's wife.

They are both fine people, just not my cup of tea. And it's people who I admire who influence me, not just whoever is in proximity.
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Old 05-12-2013, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones View Post
When I was a kid, I was much more strongly influenced by the neighbors, and by my friends in school, than by my parents bf/gf after they divorced. Not so much the dentist.

Was this not true for you? The friends I had as a kid and a teen shaped who I am today. And the neighbors were an amazing window into how a family could work differently from ours. As soon as I got the freedom to do so, I modeled my emerging sense of self on a couple of the neighbor women. And I have grown up to be a lot like them.

But my mom was with the same bf for 12 years, he is still a friend of the family 30 years later, and I don't feel I was influenced by him at all. I sometimes hang out with him, just us two, but that's only because we are the only two in the family who care about fireworks on the 4th of July. We have gone to them together a few times. But, otherwise, I find him boring and a little overbearing. I have never hung out alone with my dad's wife.

They are both fine people, just not my cup of tea. And it's people who I admire who influence me, not just whoever is in proximity.
So your example is your mom's long time boyfriend, as opposed to her 12 short term ones? You do realize what you describe is the ideal situation most parents your are talking about aspire to?

I think the question to ask would be what would the impact if you saw your mom or dad with a different person every few months, some of whom turned out to be not so great people. You had a stable situation to branch out from to form all those other meaningful relationships.
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Old 05-12-2013, 12:59 PM
 
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@Tina:

Well, with my mom it was the guy she left my dad for. About 10 years after breaking up with that guy, she dated another one for a couple months. We met him, but the relationship fizzled. I never asked details. My dad and he stayed friends for many years, though. They hit it off better than he and my mom .

My dad dated several women and married the third. Or at least, the third that got past the third date or so .

It is possible that my parents had some first dates that didn't go well, and that us kids did not hear about. But it seemed like if they were seeing someone for a few weeks or months, we met them. Not in any formal way, just being at the house at the same time.

Really, as a kid and a teen I was not highly interested in my parents' dating life and did not pay much attention to it. Is that not normal? I didn't care about their platonic friends, either. All that mattered was, does the friend or sweetie have any kids my age?
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